Friday, November 03, 2006
Dazeless,woke up without knowing my directions.Suffering from the lack of sleep,swollen eyes,and a broken heart.How am I gonna get through the day?Only God knows.Preparing to die in college.Gotta somehow scrap through today,and then,I'll have 2 days to recover.Incomprehensible pain. Traumatized,cringing back into my shell,where from the very 1st day,I've never dared to stay in.Suddenly,it feels more comfortable.Hidden by its pleasantly comfortable darkness,hiding behind an altered figure,afraid to come out.The sun looks more glaring than ever.Even the wind seems stronger than it ever was. Stepping back,I'll just protect those around myself by retreating.Who knows whether I'll ever regain back the confidence of exploring once again.I'm a hazard,a danger to those around me.Its no wonder I can't socialize at all.I just hope I'll be able to adjust as soon as possible.Wanna take the least amount of time possible to get accustomed to my surroundings.
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Been alone for most of the afternoon,and been reflecting on what's been going on,and yes,hooray,I'm turning into a jerk.I've become a monster.I screwed up big time,and now,its time to fix this mess,once and for all.There's really no time to lose.Things have deteriorated so badly,I blame myself for everything that has happened.
Once again,I own up to my own mistakes,and self-caused mess,and I know when I'm wrong,but just can't help but wonder,how did I turn into such a monster?I guess its up to me to correct this mess,or I'll die trying.Trying to become a better person.I never meant to hurt anyone.I guess it really is the most painful thing in the world.
I've learned a painful lesson,a lesson I'll remember for the rest of my life.Its so pain,I wished I'd never said anything in the 1st place.If I was able to turn back time,I turn it back and make things right.But I guess,words are sharper than any sticks and bones.If guilt didn't kill me,regret would.I hope I can make things better.I wish...
Is it really necessary?I don't know.By the looks of things,I'd be crazy to continue acting like a jerk,and treating her the way I'm going on now.I'll be a total idiot,not to mention failure,if I didn't stop how I'm going about.Drastic?Not really...Something minor,I hope.Hope for the best.
From the very start,I've promised never ever to become who I am today,and yet,the end product has transformed me into the very person I despised and was fighting against.The irony of life.I've turned into something that I've never wanna be known as,ever,and the price,is too heavy to pay.