Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Just at the breaking of dawn,when it seemed like the shadows will be obliterated by the rays of light,rising up in the east,you realize that deep down inside,you don't feel the same,cause you've somehow been covered up with darkness itself,and there ain't no simple solution as awaiting and hoping for a dawn.
Somehow,life's been getting a bit tougher.I ain't gonna say why.Its just the way things are.I wished I could just let out the dark side inside me,and just let it all out,but,I know my limits.Its temptation might I add,and added to the fact that I have obligations,and an image to reflect,it comes to no surprise that I keep it all in.
I wished I could say there really is something to celebrate,but lately,its like there's nothing happening anymore.If my life were to be put on a line graph,all you'll see is 1 horizontal line right now.Life's just going at a really slow pace now.Just realized that nothing nice happens anymore,except occasionally.
If I recall,everything is just a mere paradox.Taking to flight are my hopes and dreams,only to stumble back to earth,as it loses altitude.Pushing for what I really want,I strive to make my own dreams come true.It seems that a sudden realization has hit me,that if I were to become independant,its time I actually put some seriousness into my studies.
Lets just say I've always dreamt of having so many things,that I could only imagine having in my wildest dreams.Not to say He isn't good.He is,but I've really sometimes to be honest despised the life I'm living.There are just times when I wished I could have this,or wished I could do this.
And pondering my ass out,I realized,that I wanna achieve all this as soon as possible.In fact,going into a relationship,I wonder if I'll ever be able to do justice to my other half.Its then,that I realized,that if I don't work my ass out,I'll be stuck in some dump.Its not as easy as it looks.Nobody's gonna walk up to me and hand me a million dollars.
Just wanna push and persevere,pressing on towards the goals I've set for myself.I wanna have all those things I never got to have.I wanna do all those things I never got to do.I wanna go places I never got to go.I wanna just reach the pinnacle,to be able to achieve and to be the best I can.I'm surprised,that I actually thought of all this because I realized that I gotta work towards it,even for her.
Of course it seems early,and it'll be crazy making assumptions,but taking it seriously,I strive to push forward,improve myself,and change my fate.Working my way up the ladder is what I'll do.Hard work,effort,I'm gonna change and give a 110% and push for my goals.I've set my targets,my dreams,and until I achieve them,I'll just keep faith in myself,hopefully,it'll spur me on to work hard.
I guess added to the fact that I have really wierd timings for wanting to talk to someone close,like early in the morning.And just to feel wanted.Just feel so unwanted.Perhaps I was always uncertain with whether I was alrite.I'm so used to answering "I'm alrite," even when I'm not.There's only 1 person who truly understands me,who dares to question me a few times,to find out if I'm really okay.
Its so easy to answer you're alrite,when deep down inside,you ain't.There really isn't anyone who's ever interested whatever happens to me.I'm just existing.Whether I'm sad or not,its not like anyone really cares.Whether I'm hurt or not,it doesn't matter,does it?There are only 2 peeps who will actually ask me whether I'm alrite.I guess everybody's too busy with their own life to care.Or is it because I'm just invisible?
Its no wonder I feel like I'm disappearing off the face of the earth.Unwanted.Just another face to look at.Just another memory.Just another someone average.Just another annoying sound to listen to.Just another guy without bringing any significance into anyone's life.Just another guy out there.Existing for the sake of existing...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway,all that aside,just gonna recap a lil what's been happening.I know I've been neglecting my blog for 3 days,but I was testing myself to see how long before I'll actually blog.Besides,nothing has really been of happening.
Monday,spent the whole day at home,rotting and slugging my way through the day.Didn't have much to do.Not to mention was on the brink of restructuring Matt.Therefore,was a bit in the lows.Hmm...I guess that won't be happening now.
Tuesday,went to college,sat for my econs exam,and then,went to TTDI for lunch.Was raining cats and dogs.Came back with literally nothing to do.Somehow managed to escape punishment for not doing my accounts homework. *Leaps gleefully*
Finally,today was basically 1 of those stress free days.Nothing much to study.Went to the computer lab for econs to do some stupid quizzes,and ended up getting some really really dumb results.Whatever! Its just quizzes we do to check on our progress,so no marks there anyway.
Got my results for the People In Organisation quizzes I took earlier on,and was 1 of the 2 peeps in class to actually get full marks.Unexpected,but thank God.Saw some rather dramatic stuff over in McD today.Interesting,as I haven't seen those kind of dramas since high school.Good stuff.Not to say I'm a sadist or anything,its just that I haven't experienced those for a long time.
Book review and report assignments are due somewhere next week.I'm gonna die.Haven't started anything at all.Gotta do the whole damn synopsis for the book,and not to mention type out a 1500 words report.Crap! All at once.I wanna go out desperately.Maybe somewhere on the 2nd week of this month.Hopefully...
Gotta have dinner,and then do my friggin accounts work.Sigh...blackmailed by accounts lecturer,that if we fail to hand it up tomorrow,5 marks will be deducted.What do you take us for?Kids?She's the only lecturer that gives that amount of homework,and EXPECTS,thats right,expects us to hand it in.Crazy...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TAGGED
Seven things that scare me:
1. Losing those closest to me.
2. Ending up a failure in life.
3. The future.
4. Losng all my bestie,and ultimately living a life of loneliness(So close to happening)
5. Losing myself completely.
6. Failing to live up to peoples expectations.
7. Feeling depressed,lonely,insecure,unloved,unwanted.
Seven things that I love:
1. God.
2. Family.
3. Her.
4. Handphone.
5. Internet.
6. Blog.
7. Football.
Seven important things in my room:
1. Matress.
2. Pillows.
3. Bolster.
4. Air-cond.
5. Air-cooler.
6. Handphone
7. Fan.
Seven random facts about me:
1. I'm emo.
2. I'm crazily addicted to my handphone and MSN.
3. I wished I had more understanding besties who'll always be there for me.
4. I'm a loyal person,and I don't backstab.
5. I actually hate college cause my friends are all pretenders.Most of them anyway.
6. I'm a diehard Liverpool fan.
7. I think,plan and worry a lot about the future.
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Be successful in my life,career,marriage and etc.
2. Travel around the world.
3. Finish executing His plans for my life.
4. Experience a Liverpool game at Anfield.
5. See all my loved ones getting saved.
6. Retire in the countryside,with a lakeside view,away from stress,havoc,city noise.etc.
7. Experience 'stuff'
Seven things I can do:
1. Breathe
2. Sleep
3. Eat huge amounts of food.
4. Online for almost the whole day.
5. Skip lunch.
6. Go crazy when I have to.
7. Being emo.
Seven things I can't do:
1. Live alone without friends.
2. Be as outstanding as everyone else.
3. Live 1 day without my handphone/
4. Live 1 day without the internet.
5. Curse.
6. Drive to places I wanna go(For now)
7. Sing.
Seven things I say most:
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Omigosh.
4. What the heck?
5. Damn...
6. Crap.
7. Bored ler...
Seven people who will have to do this:
1. You.
2. Him.
3. Her.
4. They.
5. We.
6. It.
7. Whoever's reading my blog(If you want to,no obligations)
-Matt-