Thursday, November 02, 2006
Mind's messed up.Starting to get a bit fickle minded.Watching for any signs of progress,pondering what to do.Just thinking so much.Hmm,wonder if I still should go back on my decision.Its still somewhat torturing me.Wonder just how bad a major 'overhaul' can take effect on everything?
Don't know.Will just give it a few more days of observation,take down mental notes,and see what I can do to solve this.Complicated matters of the mind.Wished I could actually shut down my mind for a while and just chill.But well,this kind of stuff goes into consideration a lot.Will definitely consider it.
Until then,will just sit back,and see what happens.This situation is way out of my control.Can't do anything much.Argh,feel so helpless and useless.Cross my fingers,hope for the best,close my eyes,and wish upon a star.Hope I won't have to take any action regarding this.I really hate to bulldoze my way through this shit.
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Did the stupidest thing I could ever do,and now I regret it so much.Its eating me up slowly,killing me.I never realized I could suddenly turn into an insensitive jerk,with no thoughtfulness at all.And now,I pay the ultimate price.A guilt trip.Carrying this guilt with me,it feels like I'm the worst jerk ever.
I wonder if I'll still be loved.I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself.Maybe only you can help me to forgive myself.Argh,feel so bad now.Really feel like shit.Emo breakdown.Self-conflict going on within me.It hurts so much,it feels like I'm bleeding on the inside.I've taken my own heart,and smashed it into a million pieces.
Hurting you is the worst pain possible.I rather hurt myself than hurt you.The pain,so unbearable.Just don't know what else to say,but sorry.I wished I could make it up to you somehow,and I want to,if you'll only tell me what I can do.Hurt.Depressed.Disappointed with myself.I could have kicked myself for being such an idiot.
Matt feels like an idiot.
-Matt-