Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Okay,so like this is my last time using blogspot.Sad,but I'll be changing to Xanga.So here's the add,just for those of you who wanna add.Oh,and it might seem incredibly cheesy or something,but don't judge me.Take care everyone.Goodbye blogspot.You've served me well.
http://www.xanga.com/MattNSharmie
-Matt-
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Hello peeps.Decided to start a blog,and do some blogging in Xanga,so I'll be gone for a while.But since I'm here,I'll just do a lil recap on my day.But there really is nothing to talk about.Went to college and all,and I've got good news.The stupid book review due date,which was supposed to be tomorrow,has been postponed to next week.Oh my gosh!What a relief!
So that means,I get to be lazy and do last minute work,and I don't have to rush it today,so at least I get 1 more week to prepare.Otherwise,I'll die rushing it tonight,and studying for PIO tomorrow.Sigh,like what the heck man.Guess I'll be able to concentrate on my PIO revision today,do a bit of the book review,and then I'll leave the rest for another day.Tomorrow gotta rush the Business Communications report.Sigh...Sad.So hectic.
Well,see ya peeps.Will be testing out Xanga for a while.See which is better,though I'll miss Blogspot when I won't be using it.Have a good week.Peace out!
-Matt-
Monday, November 06, 2006
Been a somewhat long day.I'm bored out of my wits.There's nothing to do,other than station my ass right here,in front of the comp.Been staring at the screen since almost 8 in the morning,and I'm still here.I hate Monday's.Suppose to be studying for my accounts exam tomorrow,but what the heck.Maybe later.
Been around lately,and sadly,there are so many peeps suffering from the negative side of love.Its so sad,that its getting more and more complicated.Its sad,but guys are the worst jerks sometimes.I admit,I'm quite a jerk.Its sad,but I never perceived myself in such an image,until this year.
Yeah,I know.Its crazy sometimes,I lose myself.I mean,whoever said there won't be rough times,but only good times?Comes in part and parcel I guess.Well,learning from my mistakes are the only way I'll progress.After getting fired by certain parties,it kinda sucks.Too much has been happening in a week.Just glad its a new week.Hopefully,there's something I can look forward to.
Hmm,probably gonna switch from postpaid to prepaid today.Gone are the long calls,or even the short ones,depending on situation.But more smses!Hehe...Already deducted 50 bucks from my monthly allowance to pay for my bill this month.Haha...Less 50 bucks to spend.Oh crap...Guess gotta plan more.
Just bored.Guess I gotta really go study my accounts now.Sigh,I'm missing her so much.Gosh,it hurts so bad.Spent the whole morning smsing,but yet,it ain't enough.Ugh,gotta go keep myself busy.Study.Damn...I'll be waiting for you.
I Can't Hate You Anymore by Nick Lachey
An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.
And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.
We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore
....I can't hate you anymore.
You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?
We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore [x2]
-Matt-
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Am so not in the mood for anything now.Dad keeps nagging me about listening to secular songs,like what the heck?What the heck's wrong with that?I mean like,sheesh,such a stupid thing to talk about.Totally ruined my mood.Like,shit,what's wrong with that?I still don't understand.Even threatened to disable certain multimedia functionsin my computer.Like,whatever la.
I don't give a damn anymore la.Confiscate my MP3?Go ahead la.Sheesh,I'm tired of hearing the same old thing without a proper reason.Its just not friggin acceptable.Why other people are doing it and I can't?Damn lame.Well,I still have respect,no doubt about that,but like what the hell man?I'll think about it.
Another week's come and gone.Glad the week's gone.Been having 1 hell of a week.Just glad that its all over.Another moment,and I would have died.A lesson learned the hard way.No better way to learn the lesson than to get hurt in the process,feel the pain,and then promise yourself never to do the stupidest thing in the world.
Feeling weird all of a sudden.Like something's missing.Its so weird,I can't actually describe it.Aftereffects?No friggin idea.Its not good,its not bad either.Just feels weird.Oh crap!This feeling's really bugging me now.I've lost all ideas for blogging.Like oh my gosh.This doesn't look good.I hope it doesn't develop into something worse.
-Matt-
Saturday, November 04, 2006
4 hours of sleep,a football match and a long day ahead,and what do you get?Sigh...Woke up to the sounds of the beating of my heart,telling me how broken it was,beating its slow rhythmically beat.The beats sounded out of proportions,as it no longer beat with that joy and happiness of a new day.
Pushed away like I never existed.Squeezed to the max.All my feelings are being drained,leaving me with 1 big mess,too much to clean up,that its hurting me.Left all alone,and I realized,that here's the part of life,thats evaded me for a long while,and now,its back to haunt me.I haven't felt this low for a long time.
However,came to a realization,that maybe its time to stop letting my emotions get the better of me.Enough is enough! Tired of constantly giving in to its seduction,and being endlessly emotionally drained.Fight to keep it out of me.A long day ahead it seems,but then again,the journey always seemed perilious.
Will fight to survive,and get this obsession off my back.This pain,well,live with it.I ain't gonna be a sucker for emoness anymore.Get outta my life! Emoness no more.Pushing everything aside,I'll travel on,not knowing what's in store for me.I'll just live life the way it was meant to be,hopefully,never in solitude.
A new start.Press on.
-Matt-
Friday, November 03, 2006
Dazeless,woke up without knowing my directions.Suffering from the lack of sleep,swollen eyes,and a broken heart.How am I gonna get through the day?Only God knows.Preparing to die in college.Gotta somehow scrap through today,and then,I'll have 2 days to recover.Incomprehensible pain. Traumatized,cringing back into my shell,where from the very 1st day,I've never dared to stay in.Suddenly,it feels more comfortable.Hidden by its pleasantly comfortable darkness,hiding behind an altered figure,afraid to come out.The sun looks more glaring than ever.Even the wind seems stronger than it ever was. Stepping back,I'll just protect those around myself by retreating.Who knows whether I'll ever regain back the confidence of exploring once again.I'm a hazard,a danger to those around me.Its no wonder I can't socialize at all.I just hope I'll be able to adjust as soon as possible.Wanna take the least amount of time possible to get accustomed to my surroundings.
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Been alone for most of the afternoon,and been reflecting on what's been going on,and yes,hooray,I'm turning into a jerk.I've become a monster.I screwed up big time,and now,its time to fix this mess,once and for all.There's really no time to lose.Things have deteriorated so badly,I blame myself for everything that has happened.
Once again,I own up to my own mistakes,and self-caused mess,and I know when I'm wrong,but just can't help but wonder,how did I turn into such a monster?I guess its up to me to correct this mess,or I'll die trying.Trying to become a better person.I never meant to hurt anyone.I guess it really is the most painful thing in the world.
I've learned a painful lesson,a lesson I'll remember for the rest of my life.Its so pain,I wished I'd never said anything in the 1st place.If I was able to turn back time,I turn it back and make things right.But I guess,words are sharper than any sticks and bones.If guilt didn't kill me,regret would.I hope I can make things better.I wish...
Is it really necessary?I don't know.By the looks of things,I'd be crazy to continue acting like a jerk,and treating her the way I'm going on now.I'll be a total idiot,not to mention failure,if I didn't stop how I'm going about.Drastic?Not really...Something minor,I hope.Hope for the best.
From the very start,I've promised never ever to become who I am today,and yet,the end product has transformed me into the very person I despised and was fighting against.The irony of life.I've turned into something that I've never wanna be known as,ever,and the price,is too heavy to pay.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Mind's messed up.Starting to get a bit fickle minded.Watching for any signs of progress,pondering what to do.Just thinking so much.Hmm,wonder if I still should go back on my decision.Its still somewhat torturing me.Wonder just how bad a major 'overhaul' can take effect on everything?
Don't know.Will just give it a few more days of observation,take down mental notes,and see what I can do to solve this.Complicated matters of the mind.Wished I could actually shut down my mind for a while and just chill.But well,this kind of stuff goes into consideration a lot.Will definitely consider it.
Until then,will just sit back,and see what happens.This situation is way out of my control.Can't do anything much.Argh,feel so helpless and useless.Cross my fingers,hope for the best,close my eyes,and wish upon a star.Hope I won't have to take any action regarding this.I really hate to bulldoze my way through this shit.
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Did the stupidest thing I could ever do,and now I regret it so much.Its eating me up slowly,killing me.I never realized I could suddenly turn into an insensitive jerk,with no thoughtfulness at all.And now,I pay the ultimate price.A guilt trip.Carrying this guilt with me,it feels like I'm the worst jerk ever.
I wonder if I'll still be loved.I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself.Maybe only you can help me to forgive myself.Argh,feel so bad now.Really feel like shit.Emo breakdown.Self-conflict going on within me.It hurts so much,it feels like I'm bleeding on the inside.I've taken my own heart,and smashed it into a million pieces.
Hurting you is the worst pain possible.I rather hurt myself than hurt you.The pain,so unbearable.Just don't know what else to say,but sorry.I wished I could make it up to you somehow,and I want to,if you'll only tell me what I can do.Hurt.Depressed.Disappointed with myself.I could have kicked myself for being such an idiot.
Matt feels like an idiot.
-Matt-
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Just at the breaking of dawn,when it seemed like the shadows will be obliterated by the rays of light,rising up in the east,you realize that deep down inside,you don't feel the same,cause you've somehow been covered up with darkness itself,and there ain't no simple solution as awaiting and hoping for a dawn.
Somehow,life's been getting a bit tougher.I ain't gonna say why.Its just the way things are.I wished I could just let out the dark side inside me,and just let it all out,but,I know my limits.Its temptation might I add,and added to the fact that I have obligations,and an image to reflect,it comes to no surprise that I keep it all in.
I wished I could say there really is something to celebrate,but lately,its like there's nothing happening anymore.If my life were to be put on a line graph,all you'll see is 1 horizontal line right now.Life's just going at a really slow pace now.Just realized that nothing nice happens anymore,except occasionally.
If I recall,everything is just a mere paradox.Taking to flight are my hopes and dreams,only to stumble back to earth,as it loses altitude.Pushing for what I really want,I strive to make my own dreams come true.It seems that a sudden realization has hit me,that if I were to become independant,its time I actually put some seriousness into my studies.
Lets just say I've always dreamt of having so many things,that I could only imagine having in my wildest dreams.Not to say He isn't good.He is,but I've really sometimes to be honest despised the life I'm living.There are just times when I wished I could have this,or wished I could do this.
And pondering my ass out,I realized,that I wanna achieve all this as soon as possible.In fact,going into a relationship,I wonder if I'll ever be able to do justice to my other half.Its then,that I realized,that if I don't work my ass out,I'll be stuck in some dump.Its not as easy as it looks.Nobody's gonna walk up to me and hand me a million dollars.
Just wanna push and persevere,pressing on towards the goals I've set for myself.I wanna have all those things I never got to have.I wanna do all those things I never got to do.I wanna go places I never got to go.I wanna just reach the pinnacle,to be able to achieve and to be the best I can.I'm surprised,that I actually thought of all this because I realized that I gotta work towards it,even for her.
Of course it seems early,and it'll be crazy making assumptions,but taking it seriously,I strive to push forward,improve myself,and change my fate.Working my way up the ladder is what I'll do.Hard work,effort,I'm gonna change and give a 110% and push for my goals.I've set my targets,my dreams,and until I achieve them,I'll just keep faith in myself,hopefully,it'll spur me on to work hard.
I guess added to the fact that I have really wierd timings for wanting to talk to someone close,like early in the morning.And just to feel wanted.Just feel so unwanted.Perhaps I was always uncertain with whether I was alrite.I'm so used to answering "I'm alrite," even when I'm not.There's only 1 person who truly understands me,who dares to question me a few times,to find out if I'm really okay.
Its so easy to answer you're alrite,when deep down inside,you ain't.There really isn't anyone who's ever interested whatever happens to me.I'm just existing.Whether I'm sad or not,its not like anyone really cares.Whether I'm hurt or not,it doesn't matter,does it?There are only 2 peeps who will actually ask me whether I'm alrite.I guess everybody's too busy with their own life to care.Or is it because I'm just invisible?
Its no wonder I feel like I'm disappearing off the face of the earth.Unwanted.Just another face to look at.Just another memory.Just another someone average.Just another annoying sound to listen to.Just another guy without bringing any significance into anyone's life.Just another guy out there.Existing for the sake of existing...
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Anyway,all that aside,just gonna recap a lil what's been happening.I know I've been neglecting my blog for 3 days,but I was testing myself to see how long before I'll actually blog.Besides,nothing has really been of happening.
Monday,spent the whole day at home,rotting and slugging my way through the day.Didn't have much to do.Not to mention was on the brink of restructuring Matt.Therefore,was a bit in the lows.Hmm...I guess that won't be happening now.
Tuesday,went to college,sat for my econs exam,and then,went to TTDI for lunch.Was raining cats and dogs.Came back with literally nothing to do.Somehow managed to escape punishment for not doing my accounts homework. *Leaps gleefully*
Finally,today was basically 1 of those stress free days.Nothing much to study.Went to the computer lab for econs to do some stupid quizzes,and ended up getting some really really dumb results.Whatever! Its just quizzes we do to check on our progress,so no marks there anyway.
Got my results for the People In Organisation quizzes I took earlier on,and was 1 of the 2 peeps in class to actually get full marks.Unexpected,but thank God.Saw some rather dramatic stuff over in McD today.Interesting,as I haven't seen those kind of dramas since high school.Good stuff.Not to say I'm a sadist or anything,its just that I haven't experienced those for a long time.
Book review and report assignments are due somewhere next week.I'm gonna die.Haven't started anything at all.Gotta do the whole damn synopsis for the book,and not to mention type out a 1500 words report.Crap! All at once.I wanna go out desperately.Maybe somewhere on the 2nd week of this month.Hopefully...
Gotta have dinner,and then do my friggin accounts work.Sigh...blackmailed by accounts lecturer,that if we fail to hand it up tomorrow,5 marks will be deducted.What do you take us for?Kids?She's the only lecturer that gives that amount of homework,and EXPECTS,thats right,expects us to hand it in.Crazy...
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TAGGED
Seven things that scare me:
1. Losing those closest to me.
2. Ending up a failure in life.
3. The future.
4. Losng all my bestie,and ultimately living a life of loneliness(So close to happening)
5. Losing myself completely.
6. Failing to live up to peoples expectations.
7. Feeling depressed,lonely,insecure,unloved,unwanted.
Seven things that I love:
1. God.
2. Family.
3. Her.
4. Handphone.
5. Internet.
6. Blog.
7. Football.
Seven important things in my room:
1. Matress.
2. Pillows.
3. Bolster.
4. Air-cond.
5. Air-cooler.
6. Handphone
7. Fan.
Seven random facts about me:
1. I'm emo.
2. I'm crazily addicted to my handphone and MSN.
3. I wished I had more understanding besties who'll always be there for me.
4. I'm a loyal person,and I don't backstab.
5. I actually hate college cause my friends are all pretenders.Most of them anyway.
6. I'm a diehard Liverpool fan.
7. I think,plan and worry a lot about the future.
Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Be successful in my life,career,marriage and etc.
2. Travel around the world.
3. Finish executing His plans for my life.
4. Experience a Liverpool game at Anfield.
5. See all my loved ones getting saved.
6. Retire in the countryside,with a lakeside view,away from stress,havoc,city noise.etc.
7. Experience 'stuff'
Seven things I can do:
1. Breathe
2. Sleep
3. Eat huge amounts of food.
4. Online for almost the whole day.
5. Skip lunch.
6. Go crazy when I have to.
7. Being emo.
Seven things I can't do:
1. Live alone without friends.
2. Be as outstanding as everyone else.
3. Live 1 day without my handphone/
4. Live 1 day without the internet.
5. Curse.
6. Drive to places I wanna go(For now)
7. Sing.
Seven things I say most:
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Omigosh.
4. What the heck?
5. Damn...
6. Crap.
7. Bored ler...
Seven people who will have to do this:
1. You.
2. Him.
3. Her.
4. They.
5. We.
6. It.
7. Whoever's reading my blog(If you want to,no obligations)
-Matt-