Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I opened my handphone,and took a quick glance at the time stated at the top left. "Oh crap.5.20am." Tossing and turning,I struggled in vain for 10 minutes,which seemed like a long time.Finally,I took another peep,and found out,only 10 minutes had past.I got up from my bed,and went to the hall.
Glancing out from a window,I could see the twilight sky,as it seemed,that darkness still enveloped this part of the world during this time.The sound of morning prayers from a nearby mosque,echoed endlessly across the air.Constantly haunted by negative thoughts ever since I woke up,I was frustrated at how depression chose to attack me now.
The loss of sleep would not only make the rest of my day a bit tiring,but it'll totally kill me,as once again,the worries of the future once again flooded my mind.Gasping for air,I wished I could block out all these thoughts.Tormenting me endlessly,pushing me to the limits,I tried to fight all these thoughts,but realized,without His help,without a doubt,I'll fail.
I just realized how important you were to me.I realized,that the possibly of losing you,might seem even more imminent after hearing what I did about the education system.Really broken.I realized no one can ever love me the way you do,that I'm just gonna be all alone to face the world out there.I don't know whether the source of it all is my insecurities.
I thought I'd managed to put all these thoughts aside.It seemed not.I'm having 1 heck of a time trying to push aside this thoughts till the right moment for them to come out.Words unspoken.Thoughts irrelevant.Feelings that hurt so much.I will not let depression take over my system,and I'll fight it with all my might.It just seems easier to give in than to fight back.
Maybe its caused I'm too used to giving in,and therefore falling into it seems to be routine-ish.Must get all these negative thoughts out.I need you so bad right now.Oh crap.I can't believe I'm being emo again.Driving me insane.Don't wanna be brought down by mere frustration or concoctions of destructive thoughts of the mind.
-Matt-