Wednesday, October 11, 2006
It isn't without a reason that we're placed where we are today.Everything happens for a reason.Our lives were predestined,and it all goes along like some kind of classical play,where we're just the actors and actresses,moving along,living our lives the way it was preordained.Almost as if by clockwork,its like watching a movie.
Do feelings,emotions,and how we feel all fall into the category of predestined as well?If it is,I wished that this feelings were more stabil and not so shaky.For some stupid reason,I've got extra active raging hormons.Constantly in an unstabil state,still learning to control the flow of things.Almost as if I'm a walking timebomb.
Did a simple test and found out,I'm quite average,and not that emo at all.What the heck???Why am I being emotionally unstabil then?What's up with me then?Going through a major phase of life,and I'm changing into someone I don't even recognize.The only thing I can be thankful is having the most important person in my life next to me to pull me through.
Just realized a very very weird trend thats going on in college.Why are some of the guys who are having a steady relationship,becoming gay at the same time?Is it some kind of chemical reaction towards love?Spending too much time with your girlfriend can turn you gay because you're lacking guy attention?Or maybe their progresteron and astrogen hormons that are the minority,which has been hibernating has been activated?What a horrible thought!!!
There's just so much touching around among the guys in class.I know its suppose to be 'play around' but doing all that in class?Its getting a bit disgusting as well as distracting.I can't help but watch pitifully as some of them wallow in distinct childishness.Its amusing,but at the same time,I just feel so sorry.Hmm...I guess I really am different.
Maybe I'm taking life too seriously?Or maybe my level of maturity is a few levels higher?I'm not boasting,but the fact that I don't find being gay,or touching around in class amusing kinda shows it all,doesn't it?All the symptoms show.If being a bit too mature means a harder inability to find a proper bunch of peeps to be called your friends,in other terms,being more towards a loner,doesn't it show?
The weird thing is,I never had this kinda problems during high school.In fact,I was more of a social person,or in other words,a 'people's person.' Having to suddenly deal with a sudden loss or inability to blend in and mix around with the crowd,its all just too strange for me.Maybe its cause of certain things that has happened.
I guess it has its pros and cons.Adapting to college life is harder than I expected.The perception that everything will be smooth sailing is definitely a deception.Heck,its only the 1st year of a long 4 years.This is only the beginning,and I somehow gotta find an alternative social life somewhere outside.This group of people I call friends,just can't be really depended on and fully relied on.
This burden that I carry,is unfathomable.How to resolve it?I really don't know.Its the worst kinda feeling when you feel all alone and there really is not many people who you can confide in.There really isn't much hope,if all I'm gonna do is stare the problem in the eye,without taking action,but there really isn't much choice than to bear with it.
Sigh...Growing up pains.Sucks so bad.I think I've been given too many raging hormons at the same time.I'll have to make do with whatever I have.Hang in there Matt.Don't die!Gotta constantly push and strive towards the end and hope for the best.Gotta keep all these hormons under wraps.Argh,such a major task to be accomplished.
Vicious Contemplations.
-Matt-