Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Are complications suppose to make life more fun?Build character?I really don't know.I thought I was doing everything right,but it seemed,that I have major flaws to correct as well.I tried to be perfect in one sense,but I guess,I just can't achieve that.Its all in the mind?I really don't know.Its all too real for me.
Expectations.I guess we all have them,whether another party expects from us,or we put our expectations on other peeps.I guess I expected way too much,and it was unreasonable?I'm sorry.All relationships have expectations,or at least thats what I was told.Its just that,I have my own reasons for expecting that from you.
You really have no idea how a message can change the entire course of my day,from going down the drain,to rocketing sky high.It gives me such a motivation,such a drive to conquer the day,and rise above the problems.I guess,it was too much to expect?Mindset just gotta change from now on.
Trust somehow came into the picture,and I realized,or rather someone made me realized that,maybe I really haven't trusted you enough.In the end,by doing all this,I could actually cause you to lose total confidence in me.When the fact hit me,I went straight down,realizing that I'm in the wrong after all.
I hate my friggin past.It haunts me ever so frequently.The emotional scars are there.The wounds may have healed,but the scars certainly do an excellent job of reminding me and messing up my life.Without a doubt,the inferior complex is back again.Feelings of insecurity,of being unloved,it all comes from the same source,the past that I'm trying so hard to put behind me.
Then again,someone once told me,that "let bygones be bygones.If you don't remove the past,how will you be able to accept the new relationship?" Argh! I feel incredibly stupid and foolish for acting the way I did.I feel guilty,yet a lil disappointed.Insecure and unloved.It all adds into the massive pile of trash that I've gotten myself into.
Time for a change?Definitely.I owe it all to a dear friend of mine,who counselled me,and knock some sense into me.Insensitive,and behaving like an idiot,I'm guilty.I'm sorry,from the bottom of my heart.It just made me realized,how far I've strayed from the right path,and I'm truly sorry.I'm hoping time will help me forget the past,and that maybe you can make it right.
I can't believe I'm causing so many problems,messing up big time.Maybe its my punishment,and the consequences I have to pay,for my past.I will accept it,alone.I'm just broken inside for what I did to you.I'm so sorry.This is definitely the cue for me to change.Bear with me.Time will tell.
I just want you to know,that I love you.Will always do.I never meant to hurt you,but instead,I let go my anger and frustration on you,in a way.I'm gonna correct this mess,and this dark side of me,for the better,for us.I'll make it up to you,somehow,even if my actions cannot be justified and used as an excuse for my attitude.With everything within me,I wanna say,I'm sorry.I love you so much,and I hope,you'll understand,and walk me through this.
Time for a change.
-Matt-