Sunday, October 08, 2006
As the days go by,everything becomes blur.Its like time whizzes so fast,time is not enough to stop and take a look around.Everyone has their own plans and agendas,and the longing for someone to be there sucks so bad.Just an invisible 'decor' to a black and white world that is seen through my eyes.
Though there is some colour,I can't help but ponder about how its all still haunting me.Going through daily routines,nobody notices me.Can't help but feel unloved,insecure.Everything goes on without me being in it,and I'm just a bystander,watching as things happened.I've known of only some peeps who actually asks whats wrong.Guess it shows how invisible I am.
I'm an attention craving idiot?You got that right,but who doesn't?Is it wrong to wanna feel loved,secure,and knowing that you're included into plans,that your opinions count,that your plannings count,that you're heard when you speak,that your feelings are taken into account,that you're actually cared for,that you're actually thanked when you do something,and given a pat on the back when you excel?
I guess not.I don't deserve it?Who knows.Only God knows how I feel right now,and man,its just downright depressing.Even time and circumstances are against me.I fight with every bit of strength in me,but how can I go against the winds of circumstances.Its like fighting an uphill battle,trying to win it.
It friggin hurts when nobody ever notices you.I'm so tired of wearing a mask and pretending that everything's okay.I'm so tired of fighting circumstances,and making plans that'll most probably be interrupted.I'm so tired of feeling this way.Wearing a mask everyday just ain't my style.Hiding my true self,its what I do.
And ever so often,there are only 2 or 3 peeps who actually can see through the mask and say,"Are you okay?I'll be here when you need me,kay?" Sometimes,its just so natural to answer,"Yeah I'm fine," when you're not.Its become a habit for me,to say that,and nobody,except my closest friends will actually know that something's wrong.
The most common response? "Oh,okay.Glad you're feeling alrite." So damn naive!You guys just take it in,and believe every word I say.Isn't my face and expressions a good enough clue to tell you I'm not okay?Either its not clear,or you guys are seriously densed and so friggin blur,that you don't know it.
Somehow or rather,those that are in similiar positions are the only peeps that truly understand.The rest of them,just ask,take in your answer,and walk away.There are times,when it becomes so bad,I just wished I could cry.I really do.I'm so thankful I did today,though it was a short one.But with a good friend who's willing to hear me out,and lend me a shoulder to cry on,it means a whole lot to me.Thanks Linda dear.I felt a lil better.
Yet,once again,I face another week.With exams and stress and assignments and presentations.The friggin list goes on.At the same time,I gotta deal with myself and fight the war that has raged and destroyed most of me.I just wished I could let it all out.
"Sometimes,the people we love,forget to love us back."
-----------------------------------------------------
Do you have any friends of the Opposite Sex :
[Yeap.I ain't gay]
Are you in a Relationship:
[Yeah.I love you!]
Who was the Last person you dated:
[Have not gone out on a date before.Still waiting]
What is the best quality:
[The way she says I love you.]
Have you ever been cheated on:
[Nope.]
Have you ever cheated on someone:
[Nope,never]
When was your First serious relationship:
[Now!]
Who with:
[Thats for me to know,and for you to find out]
Have you ever had Friends with Benefits:
[I'm sincere in friendship.I don't take it lightly]
What makes the opposite sex attractive:
[Her personality,and yes,looks does play a small part]
Do you have a crush:
[Nah,I love someone.]
Do you dream about your crush:
[I don't have a crush,but I do dream about her.]
Is there someone you want to kiss:
[Oh yeah...]
Have you ever kept a crush super secret:
[Yeah,but it never works.]
Have you ever done something you regret:
[Yeah]
Have you ever hurt someone:
[Its sad,but I've just found out the meaning of "hurting someone"]
Has someone ever hurt you:
[Yeah]
Do you care about money:
[Only fools will worship money.Thats my philosophy.]
Were you ever with someone completely opposite of you:
[Don't think so.Not completely la anyway.But opposites attract.]
Do you miss someone:
[Yeah,I do.I miss someone till its killing me]
Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:
[Her face and hair,I guess.]
Have you ever had a crush on someone that was in a relationship:
[Can't recall.Maybe?]
Have you ever kissed a stranger:
[Why would I do that for?]
What would be your perfect date:
[Just me and her,on a hill,watching the stars,with the moon as our guide,and when times stops]
Do you prefer holding hands or making out:
[Holding hands I guess?]
Whats the best physical attribute:
[Does it even matter that much?]
Lost someone:
[Yeah,sadly.]
How do you feel about Long distance relationships:
[It might work,with loads of trust,effort,constant communication,and love]
Do you want them to be smart:
[Yeah?Who are we talkin about anyway?]
Last one of the opposite sex you talked to:
[Sharmein!!]
How many people have you dated since January:
[None]
Do you care if they share your religion:
[Its a must!]
Have you ever said I love you and meant it:
[Everytime]
Do you believe in love at first sight:
[Nah,thats called infatuation,or puppy love.]
Do you think internet relationships can really work:
[Depends on whether you actually see each other in the end.]
When was the last time you slow danced:
[Last December,during high school prom.]
Does anyone have a crush on you:
[I don't know.I wouldn't know now,would I?]
Do you want to get married:
[Sure,why not?At the proper time,of course]
Have you ever stalked someone:
[Maybe.Beware.]
Has someone ever stalked you:
[Yeah,I think]
Have you ever done the love calculator:
[Yeah,I felt especially stupid when they sent the results to the person who sent the stupid email]
Would you ever kiss someone in front of your parents:
[Not now]
Have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex:
[Nope]
Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex:
[Nope]
Have you ever been naked with the opposite sex:
[No!]
Have you ever had sex:
[Nah,I'm still a virgin,and proud of it.]
Do you bite when you kiss:
[Dunno.Haven't tried yet.]
Would you date someone from another state:
[Been there,done that.Why not?]
Would you be with someone with glasses:
[I don't mind]
Have you kissed someone in a restaurant:
[Nope]
Do you care if they drink:
[Yeah.Alcohol smells.]
Smoke:
[Nope.Hate smokers!]
Have you ever been called a tease:
[I guess so?]
Have you ever cried over someone who you were just "talking" with:
[Yeah.]
Have you ever liked someone from a different country:
[Not really.]
Would you play with their hair:
[Not if I don't really like that person]
Would you do anything for the person you like:
[No,but I would do anything for the person I love]
Do you miss a past relationship:
[Nope.I love the current 1.The best! <3]
Whats really important to have in a relationship:
[Trust,love,understanding,commitment,time alone.Too many to list down.]
Do you like getting massages:
[Totally love them.]
Would you date someone that doubled popped their collars:
[Doubble popped collars?Wht's that?]
Do you like to cuddle:
[Yeah]
7 Random Things About Me:
1.I love God!
2.I love my family.
3.I love my baby.
4.I love music.
5.I love my best friends.
6.I'm insecure.
7.I'm emo.
7 Random Songs:
1.Move Along by All-American Rejects
2.Saving me by Nickelback
3.But its better if you do by Panic! At the Disco
4.For you I will by Teddy Geiger
5.From the inside out by UNITED Live
6.I don't wanna close my eyes by Aerosmith
7.All I need is You by UNITED Live
7 Things I Like Most:
1.SMSing
2.Going online.
3.Going out.
4.Music.
5.Football.
6.Talking on the phone.
7.Eating.
(The rest that are not stated here,are because I love doing em)
7 Things That Scare Me:
1.Losing my loved ones.
2.Heights(A lil)
3.Becoming fat.
4.Offending other peeps.
5.Feeling depressed,insecure and unloved.
6.Not being able to pick myself up when I fall.
7.My loved ones won't be saved.
-Matt-