Sunday, October 29, 2006
Just looking at things,and I don't even know why small details like this can actually cause such downright disappointments.Its like I'm making a big issue out of something small,but heck,thats me.Live with it.Really,its so stupid,and I know it should be nothing,but can you blame me for desperately wanting time to spend?
Its not like we have all the time in the world.It hurts knowing that the feeling is not mutual.I just can't put into words how I'm feeling.Yeah,so I'm emo.Sue me!Don't friggin judge me.Yeah,I know how to describe myself.I'm an emo sucker,who has the worst feelings of insecurity,and constantly seeks for reassurance and attention.
Go ahead.Laugh at me if you will.It just hurts knowing that maybe I'm putting in so much friggin effort,and it all goes to waste.Maybe guys are hard to understand.Maybe I'm hard to understand,but at least make an effort?Am I really that hard to decode and decipher?Or maybe its just plain density?
I can just feel my heart,literally ripped into 2,right from the top,to the bottom.I've tried,I really have,but ever wondered why I'm always insecure?Its cause of times like this,that are wasted just like that,and maybe its cause I've always looked forward to it,that when it doesn't materialize,I end up in disappointments.
So,screw me.I don't know why,but maybe I'm just some idiot with too much sensitivity going on inside of me.Insecure!Die Matt,die.Think too much,and you get an emo freak.Whatever...So much to say,but wonder if explaining it all to you would even make any sense.It might sound foolish and pure stupidity,but yeah,thats why I keep it in.
Maybe when everytime I said I was 'alrite',you just accepted it without even asking twice,or even thrice.Perhaps I was just waiting for you to ask again.But I guess it never occured to you to ask again.Chucked aside.I can feel my heart beating slower,and slower,bleeding itself to oblivion.Pain...And just when I thought I'd changed my mindset,this was probably 1 of the few things in the world that changes it all.
How the heck am I gonna serve today?I don't feel like it at all.I think I wanna pull out,just for this week.I'm not in the right frame of mind,and I can't focus.I'll just mess and screw up so badly.Maybe I'll just make a quick call later,and asked to be excluded from this week's duty.Don't wanna serve with the wrong attitude.
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[Edited Post]
Suffering from the self-inflicted trauma,when I decided,enough is enough.I'm causing enough problems for myself.I've got to change my whole perspective,and that means,changing Matt.Never before has this been done successfully.Lets hope this will be a success,considering the fact that I've always caused myself to feel down,depressed,and hurt,just cause of expectations.
I guess,the biggest change would be my approach in this.Maybe I'm a lil too active,or agressive.I'm tired of constantly doing most of the work.Its time I be passive.Whatever comes,let it come.Being agressive means having to initiate stuff,and then end up disappointed when things don't go my way.
I'll just sit back and relax.Realized that I've been changing into more and more like a jerk ever since I personalized myself to be agressive in handling this.I guess I'm forcing too many things,and it just ain't the way.I've made myself tired for nuts,constantly worrying myself sick,and then ending up in tears.
Character evaluation; not so good.Its time to move on,and change for the better.Though it'll be amazing if I can even actually change once and for all,considering the fact that I've always fought against time,planned the next step,and then in the end.i end up with a whole basket full of disappoinments,hurts,and "Why's?" as well as "What if's?"
I'm done.This is wearing me out.Somehow,gotta learn to get my own life,instead of revolving my life all around it.Realized that somehow,things just gotta be done in another way,and looked at differently.I guess this wil be the last time you see emo Matt,hopefully.I'm done being Matt.Its time to change.Just too tiring carrying on,the way I'm leading my life.
Okay,enough of serious stuff.On a lighter note,just gonna recap what's been going on in life.Hmm,well,had youth cell yesterday night.Also had worship practise before that.Nothing much happened.We had an okay time.Got to know a few peeps better.Perhaps nothing much happened is a good thing ei?
Well,due to some problems I caused for myself yesterday night,I was in a bad mood this morning.SMSed Uncle Wai Yuen and even asked if he wanted me to play for him,cause I told him I wasn't prepared,but in the end,he knocked some sense into me,and I figured,"Yeah,serving Him is more important." So I shoved my problems aside.And somehow,during the service,I thought of the word change.
Hence,the new outlook on life.Just wished I had more friends.They'll probably help me to change for the better.Had mamak lunch at a mamak in Section 14.Drove Uncle Stanley's car(Without a 'P' sticker mind you).But it was nearby,so it was okay,I guess.Had youth service,with only 7 of us.How cool.And then,finally,carolling practise,and my weekends are over.
Econs exam coming up in 2 days,not to mention the dateline for the book review.Time to write down a thesis on the long synopsis of "The Alchemist." Hmph,and today marks the 1st day,of losing 1 of my besties.Ir hurts,but screw it.Its also the first day,of the new Matt.Welcome to my life.
-Matt-