Thursday, October 26, 2006
The start of a new day it seemed,or maybe,the start of more problems.Woke up at 4.30,and I'm seriously gonna drag myself through college.Feeling so demotivated,and not in the mood to do anything for that matter.Just so sick and tired of all the countless presentations,assignments and exams.
Once again,insecurity struck me with its bitter ballad,causing me to fall once again into that same abyss that I've managed to crawl out of the previous time.It seems like it never wants to let me go.And I just feel that I ain't good enough for anyone.Its funny how this should occur right now,but maybe I've been thinking too much.
Yet again,I am once again dumb-founded as to how it hits me again,no matter how hard I try to push myself from being like this.Just that,considering all factors,considering the possible near future,and considering how time is running out on me,I feel intimidated,and just the mere feeling of insecurity.
I ain't good enough for anyone.One of my bestie's have chosen to just be free from friendship.Choosing along to walk life's lonely path,I guess this signifies the end of yet another close friendship that I once shared.Gone,just like that.Adds to the fact,that I just ain't good enough for anyone.
I can actually count with my fingers,how many bestie's I have left in this world,and very soon,the figures will dwindle so much,that I'll probably be left with 1,or nothing.It doesn't help to know,that circumstances will always be there to get in between things.I wonder if I'm just not social enough,or that I don't deserve bestie's.
Maybe I'm not a good friend to anyone,no matter how hard I try.I just find the current place I'm studying in,almost impossible to find any best friend material,and its sad,but besides my family,if a question was posed to me,on how many peeps I would jump in front of a bullet for,there would only be 4,with a maximum of 5,excluding my family.
And yet,here I am,wondering what's the point of living,when the not-so-distant future arrives,and I'm left here,all alone.Things will never be the same.Losing a bestie to circumstances.Even worse,losing the closest person to me through circumstances.I don't know what I'll do.I don't even know what's the use in doing anything.
Just so sick of it all.Its nothing new that I'm feeling insecure.Somehow,only 1 person has managed to make me feel secure,and I know,she has her own life to live,and can't possibly be there all the time.Yet,I've dedicated my time,and everything else,just to know,that even if she can't be there all the time,I will.
Now,all I can do,is hang on for dear life,and live with feelings of insecurity.
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[Edited Post]
Instead of using the kind of language that normally requires deeper thinking,I'm just gonna rant it all out in simple language,cause I really can't think straight.Is this a weakness?Is it stupidity to depend on other peeps?College life is getting tougher by the moment.
Everywhere I look,I see the 'clicks' and groups,hanging out together.Me?I'm just a friggin loner,lost,all alone in a seemingly world of mine.However,I'm just so tired of going on anymore.There are times,when I just wanna give up,and let go.There are times,when I wished,I could go home,and that would be the loveliest thing in the world.
I miss my bestie's.I miss them so much.But yet,somehow,I don't seem to have them.I've been deserted,left to face this rotten world,all by myself.In constant need of attention and companionship,my life's a living hell without them.I feel like its all so pointless.
Call me an attention craving idiot for all I care.I'm just tired,of facing it all alone.I wished He'd answer my call for Him to be my bestie.I do missed the past,somewhat.I do miss having peeps who actually care for me.Now?Not many peeps do.There hardly is anyone who I can turn to.
Feel like a burden,that whoever who comes in contact with me,has to carry the load with me.I feel the pain on loneliness.When everything else falls,only friends stand there,supporting what's left of you,but what happens,when they desert you too?I wonder if this is some kind of desperate call for a bestie.
I'd give up everything,anything,just to have a bestie,who's always there,who'll always be there for me.Who'll always ask how I'm doing.Who'll always send me smses,just to let me know that they care.Who'll always be a sms away,and with 1 push of a button,I'll get reassurance,that I'm loved,and that I'm actually remembered.
Why is it so hard to get bestie's?Are they that rare?When everything is loss,they're all that will be standing.Life without friends,is like food without salt.Tasteless,blend,boring,and without a reason to live.It hurts so bad,knowing that I'm losing even the closest peeps to me.Will I be left all alone?
All alone.It seems...How long will it take,for someone to actually care?I guess,nobody wants bear the burden,of being a bestie to me.Guess I ain't the best person to be friends with.I'm too troublesome,too burdensome.Abandoned,left all alone.Kills...
-Matt-