Sunday, October 29, 2006
Just looking at things,and I don't even know why small details like this can actually cause such downright disappointments.Its like I'm making a big issue out of something small,but heck,thats me.Live with it.Really,its so stupid,and I know it should be nothing,but can you blame me for desperately wanting time to spend?
Its not like we have all the time in the world.It hurts knowing that the feeling is not mutual.I just can't put into words how I'm feeling.Yeah,so I'm emo.Sue me!Don't friggin judge me.Yeah,I know how to describe myself.I'm an emo sucker,who has the worst feelings of insecurity,and constantly seeks for reassurance and attention.
Go ahead.Laugh at me if you will.It just hurts knowing that maybe I'm putting in so much friggin effort,and it all goes to waste.Maybe guys are hard to understand.Maybe I'm hard to understand,but at least make an effort?Am I really that hard to decode and decipher?Or maybe its just plain density?
I can just feel my heart,literally ripped into 2,right from the top,to the bottom.I've tried,I really have,but ever wondered why I'm always insecure?Its cause of times like this,that are wasted just like that,and maybe its cause I've always looked forward to it,that when it doesn't materialize,I end up in disappointments.
So,screw me.I don't know why,but maybe I'm just some idiot with too much sensitivity going on inside of me.Insecure!Die Matt,die.Think too much,and you get an emo freak.Whatever...So much to say,but wonder if explaining it all to you would even make any sense.It might sound foolish and pure stupidity,but yeah,thats why I keep it in.
Maybe when everytime I said I was 'alrite',you just accepted it without even asking twice,or even thrice.Perhaps I was just waiting for you to ask again.But I guess it never occured to you to ask again.Chucked aside.I can feel my heart beating slower,and slower,bleeding itself to oblivion.Pain...And just when I thought I'd changed my mindset,this was probably 1 of the few things in the world that changes it all.
How the heck am I gonna serve today?I don't feel like it at all.I think I wanna pull out,just for this week.I'm not in the right frame of mind,and I can't focus.I'll just mess and screw up so badly.Maybe I'll just make a quick call later,and asked to be excluded from this week's duty.Don't wanna serve with the wrong attitude.
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[Edited Post]
Suffering from the self-inflicted trauma,when I decided,enough is enough.I'm causing enough problems for myself.I've got to change my whole perspective,and that means,changing Matt.Never before has this been done successfully.Lets hope this will be a success,considering the fact that I've always caused myself to feel down,depressed,and hurt,just cause of expectations.
I guess,the biggest change would be my approach in this.Maybe I'm a lil too active,or agressive.I'm tired of constantly doing most of the work.Its time I be passive.Whatever comes,let it come.Being agressive means having to initiate stuff,and then end up disappointed when things don't go my way.
I'll just sit back and relax.Realized that I've been changing into more and more like a jerk ever since I personalized myself to be agressive in handling this.I guess I'm forcing too many things,and it just ain't the way.I've made myself tired for nuts,constantly worrying myself sick,and then ending up in tears.
Character evaluation; not so good.Its time to move on,and change for the better.Though it'll be amazing if I can even actually change once and for all,considering the fact that I've always fought against time,planned the next step,and then in the end.i end up with a whole basket full of disappoinments,hurts,and "Why's?" as well as "What if's?"
I'm done.This is wearing me out.Somehow,gotta learn to get my own life,instead of revolving my life all around it.Realized that somehow,things just gotta be done in another way,and looked at differently.I guess this wil be the last time you see emo Matt,hopefully.I'm done being Matt.Its time to change.Just too tiring carrying on,the way I'm leading my life.
Okay,enough of serious stuff.On a lighter note,just gonna recap what's been going on in life.Hmm,well,had youth cell yesterday night.Also had worship practise before that.Nothing much happened.We had an okay time.Got to know a few peeps better.Perhaps nothing much happened is a good thing ei?
Well,due to some problems I caused for myself yesterday night,I was in a bad mood this morning.SMSed Uncle Wai Yuen and even asked if he wanted me to play for him,cause I told him I wasn't prepared,but in the end,he knocked some sense into me,and I figured,"Yeah,serving Him is more important." So I shoved my problems aside.And somehow,during the service,I thought of the word change.
Hence,the new outlook on life.Just wished I had more friends.They'll probably help me to change for the better.Had mamak lunch at a mamak in Section 14.Drove Uncle Stanley's car(Without a 'P' sticker mind you).But it was nearby,so it was okay,I guess.Had youth service,with only 7 of us.How cool.And then,finally,carolling practise,and my weekends are over.
Econs exam coming up in 2 days,not to mention the dateline for the book review.Time to write down a thesis on the long synopsis of "The Alchemist." Hmph,and today marks the 1st day,of losing 1 of my besties.Ir hurts,but screw it.Its also the first day,of the new Matt.Welcome to my life.
-Matt-
Friday, October 27, 2006
The reason I always am online,is cause I'm waiting for the messenger alert to tell me you're online. --------------------------------------------------------- On another note,I would like to know what the heck is going on?This post might be irrelevant to most of my readers,but its directed to someone I thought I knew,someone who doesn't give up easily.Someone who promised me to persevere,and fight to the very end.Someone who I thought would never give up on everything she stood for. Even if you're ignoring me,at least be courteous enough to give me a friggin reply.I was even nice enough to tell you I wouldn't give up on you,cause I know I won't.But tell me this,is replying a sms so hard?Just tell me,whether its a yes,or a no.Do you know all the hard work and effort I put in to organize last minute meetings,and this is how you treat it? Don't even wanna friggin reply me?Even if you don't wanna ever talk to me,do me this favour and just reply me your answer.Then,you're not obligated to even bother about me,though like I've told you so many countless times,I've always been,and will always be here whenever you need me. Do you even know how worried I get?You at least owe me an answer.What the heck...I don't have any right to be angry at you though.I know you're hurting and all,and you're in the worst possible mood now,but you at least should reply to let me know whether its a yes,or a no.Damn it.I feel so bad now... -Matt- PS: Crap.This has turned into an emo post! Oh My Gosh!!!
The reason I always write you testi's,is cause I want the whole world to know how much I love you.
The reason I always stroke your hair,is cause I just love the way your hair runs through my fingers.
The reason I always blush when you're around,is cause I've lost my words,and whatever I've planned to say to you when you came into my view.
The reason I have mood swings and get all depressed,is cause I realized how badly I've missed you,and there's nothing more I rather see right then,than you.
The reason I always get you gifts,is to make you smile,and just enjoy the surprise look you have on your face thats so priceless.
The reason I SMS you everyday,is to let you know,that I still miss you and love you,even when everyone else seems to have stopped.
The reason I stare at you everytime we meet,is cause I realized that nothing else matters anymore when the most beautiful person enters the room.
The reason I tease you,is just to see how cute you look when you're 'angry' or when you sulk.
The reason I tell you that you're beautiful,is cause I mean it,and you're just the most beautiful person to me.So stop denying it,even if you think its not true.Cause I mean it!
The reason I tell you "I miss you" is cause you have no idea how badly I'm suffering,and I really wanna spend every second of my life with you.
The reason I tell you "I love you" is cause you've owned the key to my heart,that special podium in my heart,that tells me,I'll always love you,as long as you love me.
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Its been another routine-ish day.Went to college just to waste my time away.Did nothing but sit in class and talked away.Watched presentations.Sigh...What a day.Still got quite a lot of stuff to do,like preparing songs and all.Oh my gosh!Sigh...What a day.
Hmm,well,read a bulletin post on friendster that day,a sort of online survey,and I was touched that I was actually remembered. "6 people you can tell almost anything," and my name was listed.In a way,though we hardly talk,only met once,and only chat online,but at least there is someone out there who actually appreciates me.I hope you're reading this!
And everything kinda changed a lil yesterday after my recent post.Well,at least things are much better now,I hope.However,knowing me,goodness knows how long I'll be able to stay like this.There really is no telling.Mood swings can be a hassle,but then again,its part of me,no matter how hard I try to change myself.
Glad we're communicating again.Its been awhile.I somehow felt much better,and was extremely touched that you actually woke up to 'teman' me when I woke up at 5+.Much thanks.Hopefully we'll build on this and maybe things will be back to normal.
But yeah,I kinda miss those old times.Though everything else is different,but I hope that nothing changes.I know I can depend on someone else,but she can't hold up everything.She can't carry all the burdens.She can only do so much.I love her to bits,but then,I'll always have time for you.Always...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The start of a new day it seemed,or maybe,the start of more problems.Woke up at 4.30,and I'm seriously gonna drag myself through college.Feeling so demotivated,and not in the mood to do anything for that matter.Just so sick and tired of all the countless presentations,assignments and exams.
Once again,insecurity struck me with its bitter ballad,causing me to fall once again into that same abyss that I've managed to crawl out of the previous time.It seems like it never wants to let me go.And I just feel that I ain't good enough for anyone.Its funny how this should occur right now,but maybe I've been thinking too much.
Yet again,I am once again dumb-founded as to how it hits me again,no matter how hard I try to push myself from being like this.Just that,considering all factors,considering the possible near future,and considering how time is running out on me,I feel intimidated,and just the mere feeling of insecurity.
I ain't good enough for anyone.One of my bestie's have chosen to just be free from friendship.Choosing along to walk life's lonely path,I guess this signifies the end of yet another close friendship that I once shared.Gone,just like that.Adds to the fact,that I just ain't good enough for anyone.
I can actually count with my fingers,how many bestie's I have left in this world,and very soon,the figures will dwindle so much,that I'll probably be left with 1,or nothing.It doesn't help to know,that circumstances will always be there to get in between things.I wonder if I'm just not social enough,or that I don't deserve bestie's.
Maybe I'm not a good friend to anyone,no matter how hard I try.I just find the current place I'm studying in,almost impossible to find any best friend material,and its sad,but besides my family,if a question was posed to me,on how many peeps I would jump in front of a bullet for,there would only be 4,with a maximum of 5,excluding my family.
And yet,here I am,wondering what's the point of living,when the not-so-distant future arrives,and I'm left here,all alone.Things will never be the same.Losing a bestie to circumstances.Even worse,losing the closest person to me through circumstances.I don't know what I'll do.I don't even know what's the use in doing anything.
Just so sick of it all.Its nothing new that I'm feeling insecure.Somehow,only 1 person has managed to make me feel secure,and I know,she has her own life to live,and can't possibly be there all the time.Yet,I've dedicated my time,and everything else,just to know,that even if she can't be there all the time,I will.
Now,all I can do,is hang on for dear life,and live with feelings of insecurity.
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[Edited Post]
Instead of using the kind of language that normally requires deeper thinking,I'm just gonna rant it all out in simple language,cause I really can't think straight.Is this a weakness?Is it stupidity to depend on other peeps?College life is getting tougher by the moment.
Everywhere I look,I see the 'clicks' and groups,hanging out together.Me?I'm just a friggin loner,lost,all alone in a seemingly world of mine.However,I'm just so tired of going on anymore.There are times,when I just wanna give up,and let go.There are times,when I wished,I could go home,and that would be the loveliest thing in the world.
I miss my bestie's.I miss them so much.But yet,somehow,I don't seem to have them.I've been deserted,left to face this rotten world,all by myself.In constant need of attention and companionship,my life's a living hell without them.I feel like its all so pointless.
Call me an attention craving idiot for all I care.I'm just tired,of facing it all alone.I wished He'd answer my call for Him to be my bestie.I do missed the past,somewhat.I do miss having peeps who actually care for me.Now?Not many peeps do.There hardly is anyone who I can turn to.
Feel like a burden,that whoever who comes in contact with me,has to carry the load with me.I feel the pain on loneliness.When everything else falls,only friends stand there,supporting what's left of you,but what happens,when they desert you too?I wonder if this is some kind of desperate call for a bestie.
I'd give up everything,anything,just to have a bestie,who's always there,who'll always be there for me.Who'll always ask how I'm doing.Who'll always send me smses,just to let me know that they care.Who'll always be a sms away,and with 1 push of a button,I'll get reassurance,that I'm loved,and that I'm actually remembered.
Why is it so hard to get bestie's?Are they that rare?When everything is loss,they're all that will be standing.Life without friends,is like food without salt.Tasteless,blend,boring,and without a reason to live.It hurts so bad,knowing that I'm losing even the closest peeps to me.Will I be left all alone?
All alone.It seems...How long will it take,for someone to actually care?I guess,nobody wants bear the burden,of being a bestie to me.Guess I ain't the best person to be friends with.I'm too troublesome,too burdensome.Abandoned,left all alone.Kills...
-Matt-
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Just came back from another long day.Was at 1U for half the afternoon.Yesterday was already a long day.Met up with some old school buddies,and caught up with ermm,games.Went for 4 hours of gaming.Crazy stuff.Forgot how fun it is to Dota,as well as releasing tension,stress and etc. through the firing of guns.Unfortunately,we didn't get to play CS,which was a disappointment.
At night,went for a house warming.Was so friggin tired,I could have fallen asleep if it wasn't for the crampy-ness and we were all rather stuffed,in terms of food and space to move about.Managed to sleep until 7+,which was a miracle,considering I've been waking up at around 5.30 for the past few days.Hate waking up so early,cause my mind is empty,and ready to be attacked with negative thoughts.Sheesh...
Today,I was actually allowed to drive to 1U on my own.Wow,its a miracle.Met up with Sarah,her cousin,and my baby for a movie.Watched John Tucker Must Die.It wasn't at all a bad movie,though it was another chick flick.Been watching chick flicks lately,and just before this,watched Devil Wears Prada.My gosh.What am I turning into?
Hardly got to spend time though,due to yet again circumstances.Hmm,am really starting to get tired of circumstances.Don't think I've ever had a time,when circumstances worked out for me.Has always been against me.Time,time and time.Just as anticipated,time caught up with us.And there you have it...2 days,summarized in 4 paragraphs.
Having my friggin Business Communication presentation tomorrow.Like what the heck?I don't wanna go back to college.Heck,I don't even wanna do anything.Sigh...
Moments of joy;shortlived...
-Matt-
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I opened my handphone,and took a quick glance at the time stated at the top left. "Oh crap.5.20am." Tossing and turning,I struggled in vain for 10 minutes,which seemed like a long time.Finally,I took another peep,and found out,only 10 minutes had past.I got up from my bed,and went to the hall.
Glancing out from a window,I could see the twilight sky,as it seemed,that darkness still enveloped this part of the world during this time.The sound of morning prayers from a nearby mosque,echoed endlessly across the air.Constantly haunted by negative thoughts ever since I woke up,I was frustrated at how depression chose to attack me now.
The loss of sleep would not only make the rest of my day a bit tiring,but it'll totally kill me,as once again,the worries of the future once again flooded my mind.Gasping for air,I wished I could block out all these thoughts.Tormenting me endlessly,pushing me to the limits,I tried to fight all these thoughts,but realized,without His help,without a doubt,I'll fail.
I just realized how important you were to me.I realized,that the possibly of losing you,might seem even more imminent after hearing what I did about the education system.Really broken.I realized no one can ever love me the way you do,that I'm just gonna be all alone to face the world out there.I don't know whether the source of it all is my insecurities.
I thought I'd managed to put all these thoughts aside.It seemed not.I'm having 1 heck of a time trying to push aside this thoughts till the right moment for them to come out.Words unspoken.Thoughts irrelevant.Feelings that hurt so much.I will not let depression take over my system,and I'll fight it with all my might.It just seems easier to give in than to fight back.
Maybe its caused I'm too used to giving in,and therefore falling into it seems to be routine-ish.Must get all these negative thoughts out.I need you so bad right now.Oh crap.I can't believe I'm being emo again.Driving me insane.Don't wanna be brought down by mere frustration or concoctions of destructive thoughts of the mind.
-Matt-
Monday, October 23, 2006
It seems like only yesterday that we celebrated our 1 month anniversary.Time flies,and I'm fighting against time,but in vain.Anyway,I just wanna say Happy Anniversary baby! There really is nothing much to say.I've said everything already.You've been wonderful,and I can't put my feelings into words.
Thanks for everything.You've showed me what the word 'love' means.You've brought a whole new meaning of the word 'love' into my life.And since I've said most of what I wanted to say through the testi and smses,I'll just keep it until here.I love you so much!There really is no one who can replace you.Love you!
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There's a lil more joy to be spread around.I finally met my new baby cousin yesterday!Went and visited my uncle and aunt!Danielle,born on the 16th of October 2006,she's about 3-4 pounds.Yes,she's real cute,and so adorable.She's a darling.Today's exactly 1 week since she entered the world.Some pics of her! =)
Danielle...=)
Another pic of Danielle. =)
Hehe,so yeah.A new edition to the family.Hahaha,so happy!Hmm,I guess thats about it.Nothing much to blog about.Its too early in the morning.Hmm...Had problems sleeping again.Bleah....Woke up at 5.30 and have been awake ever since.Oh my gosh! I need caffeine!Have to drive to Rawang later some more! Yay! Oh well...Peace out!
Oh,and Happy Deepavali plus Happy Raya to whoever is celebrating!Hehe...Enjoy your hols peeps.Hopefully,I'll be able to enjoy mine. =/
PS: Never ever blog early in the morning,cause your brain has yet to wake up.Also,thanks Nic for the comments on my font colour.Haha...Hence the change in font colour to yellow. =P
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[Edited Post]
So we went all the way to Rawang to spend half the day eating.I didn't even get to drive,like what the heck man?What a way to spend an anniversary.I mean like,no privacy.Too many lamp posts!!What a waste of time.Did nothing but eat,eat and eat.I think I put on weight already.
I don't care.Just told my parents that for the next 2 days,I get to go out wherever I want.There's too much time to waste on stuff like that.Not to mentioned I purposely finished off my powerpoint presentation earlier,just to clear my schedule.So there had better be something good coming out of the next 2 days,or I'll hate myself.
Sheesh,like I'm so friggin bored.So the only thing I could do was sleep.Like,shucks.I couldn't even sleep properly cause of the incredibly high amount of 'noise pollution'.I was like so tempted to take the guitar,play whatever song they wanted to sing,and then we'll be able to go back home.Oh my goodness.Mere boredom.Drives me crazy!
Like,whatever man.A whole load of crap.What a day...
-Matt-
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I came,nearer and nearer,
But the harder I tried,the further I was pushed away,
And soon,my eyes became clearer,
I guess its time we went our separate ways.
When my world collapsed around me,
The enthusiasm of helping out dimmed,
No matter how hard I tried,you seem to flee,
And I noticed,that no matter what,the past was a dream.
Its just so routine to walk away,
When things are not okay,
I guess circumstances never permitted,
But I wanna remember you as someone I trusted.
The impact you made in my life,
Will always leave that significance,
Just like a scar that is left by a knife,
In my life,you made a difference.
Looking back at those moments,
They will always be cherished,
And now,how I lament,
That those moments have diminished.
Though things may never be the same,
I'm glad that in my life,God chose you,
Instead of wealth,power,or fame,
He gave me something money can't buy,
He gave me you.
Though we're never close,
There were countless times I wished we were,
You were like a rare jewel,a precious rose,
Now,its just a dream,wishing for more.
The future is uncertain,
The journey ahead,rough,
However,one thing is certain,
I wish you all the best,stay tough!
-Matt-
Friday, October 20, 2006
This section is dedicated to my dearest cousin,Ashley! Today's your birthday,and I just wanna thank God that I've got such a great cousin like you.Though we hardly see each other,but you're a great cousin.The best in the world,or at least to me.You know what I mean!
Happy Birthday girl! I wanna thank you for all those times you were there for me,all those long calls you made when I was down,all the times you tried to cheer me up(but didn't really work anyway).Hahaha...You've been a really really great cousin,and I couldn't ask for more.
So,this is a shoutout to my dearest cousin.May all your dreams and wishes come true.you'll be sorely missed when you go to Australia next year,and I hate thinking of that.Oh,and sorry I couldn't make it out with ya for the outing.Just no transport.So,all the best.Have a great day!
PS:I still need to pass you your prezzie soon! =P
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Hmm...a rather relaxing day.Nothing much happened.There wasn't even much lessons today.I friggin hate waiting for replies on sms,when they don't come at all.Added to that,it keeps me waiting all day.Maxis has to be stupid and disconnect all message reports! What's wrong with them?
So thus,begins my 3 day holiday(Weekends do not count at all),and I've got quite a bit of stuff to do.Have a few more assignments to pass up before the finals next month.I just realized its about a month away.Oh crap! Its amazing how time flies.
And I just turned down an invitation to a friend's surprise party,free of charge,just for the simple fact,of avoiding lousy company.Though its free,but then,I don't wanna go there,and be ditched,while everyone else is busy talking with themselves,or too busy with their girlfriends.Hypocrites!
Unfortunately,those peeps who are considered good friends,or even besties of mine,aren't invited,so I ain't going either.Its all nonsense when you're gonna go there just to eat,and be ditched.I don't really like all of you.The looks on your faces tell me that I'm not wanted,and I don't even give a damn anymore either.I'm ditching you guys before you ditch me,though its already been done.
Really,you guys are worse than jerks.When my birthday came,did any of you even wished me?Except for 1 or 2,the rest of you didn't even know.So like now,its ***'s birthday,and you're treating it like Hari Merdeka or something.A big celebration and all.What's this?31st of August?
Imagine spending so much on his birthday.Utter nonsense! And I really wanna say,I feel so sorry for Wei Binn,cause you jerks asked him to pay money,but he didn't really wanna go,and yet,he paid.And he works his friggin ass off on weekends,while you losers get money from your parents,and yet,he has to pay.What's worse,you didn't even wish him anything on his birthday,and now you expect him to feel wanted?
He even wanted me to go in his place,but I obliged,knowing I'll see all your loser faces there,and I'll be ditched and pushed aside.You knuckleheads! I don't even know you anymore.I'm so tempted to say worse things,but since I know its wrong,I shall go no further.
And don't even think inviting me,means I'll be nice to you.The fact is,you never invited me until 1 hour before you guys were about to leave.What kinda planning is that? "Oh well,since we got less 1 people,I guess we're gonna have to ask Matt to go for the party."
Thats probably what you're thinking.Well,I ain't gonna be ditched.I'm gonna ditch you guys.I'm gonna have my own life.You stay out of mine,and I'll stay out of yours.So don't come begging to me for anything next time,cause I ain't gonna even bother listening.
-Matt-
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Its getting incerdibly hard to live for the moment.Knowing the truth sucks so bad,its killing me,and eating me from the inside.Just feel like every moment spent apart,is a moment wasted,and never to be retrieved back again.So its killing me,and I can just feel the pain every single moment alone. Just a random post since I'm all alone,and ditched.Everyone's busy with their own superficial affairs.I'm just rotting at home,doing nothing about it.Screw it.Its just kinda sad all my bestie's can't be assessed to 24/7.Don't even know who's my bestie's anymore. Rot rot rot!Die damn it.I evny some peeps who's bestie's can be assessed any time of the day(This includes in the wee hours of the morning).Sucks so bad! Sucks so bad! I hate this! Die die die!What a way to end a Thursday night.
Still digesting this,and hopefully,it won't be long.Maybe an outing would do me good?Just waiting for the perfect moment to arrive.I've waited long enough,and there's no better moment than the present.Was reading a book,for my stupid English assignment,called "The Alchemist." Here's an extract of what really caught my attention.
"Because I don't live in either my past or my future.I'm interested only in the present.If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man.You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race.Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."
"...and he wanted to live it as he did the lessons of his past and his dreams of the future."
It just really hit me,and yes,though I've been sorta living in the present,but yet thinking about the future,but its because thats the way I am.Yet,somehow,I gotta accept this,get on with my life,live it to the fullest for now,and worry about the future when its time to face up to the cold hard truth.Its been tough this past few days,but hopefully,I'll recover and push it aside soon.I'll make this,and the next, the best year for the both of us,hun.
Enough of the emo stuff.Just gonna update what's been going on in this crazy life of mine.Finally finished my Business Comm. presentation today,and according to my lecturer,I was the best presenter among my group,and I got a 9/10,though I would have wished for at least a bit more,but who cares?Its over.The amazing thing is,I memorized my points just before I had to present.
Also got my phase exam 2 results for Business Comm. results back,and I only also got a 9/10.Sad right?I ain't the highest.I could cry.Life's like that.Gotta accept it and move on.On another note,I've got so much stuff to do.Been terribly occupied lately.Thank God for the hols next week.I just need it so badly.Need to go out with my baby.Miss you so much! Its killing me.
Hmm,and there's been a sudden surge in PDA's going on in class.Guys,I'm happy for the both of you,but what the heck's wrong with you guys?In fact,can't you guys like do it somewhere else?Its okay to even have that kinda stuff in class,but must you like do it in front of me?You trying to test my jealousy level?Its really testing my patience.
Pfft,fine.I admit,I'm friggin jealous,but thats just cause you guys get to see each other every other single day.Please,don't do it in front of me.Oh goodness! Its like,oh crap.I can't even say anything.Damn! I'm friggin jealous.I can't even believe I'm putting this down on my blog,so whatever.If you read this,DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Other than that,nothing much happened.Managed to play a good game of footie that day,though it rained halfway.Darn it.Oh well,can't wait for the hols to be here.Its just around the corner,and 1 more day of college,and I'm done for the week.Can't wait to get it over with.Have a quiz tomorrow as well.Sheesh.One after another.
Live for the moment.Must digest,and push it aside.Get out negative thoughts! I miss my baby so much! <3
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
For the 1st time,I'm speechless.
Lost for words.
Shattered dreams.
Probably the shortest post ever.
Just one word to summarize and continue from my previous post.
Broken.
-Matt-
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Crushed beyond recognition.Hurt beyond expressions.Depressed without limits.The very beating of the heart,stopped as soon as those words rang inside my head.The essence of the human being,the soul,stabbed to its very depths,contaminating its very core,bringing to effect,a severe and critical condition,called "breakdown."
Lost in this state of mind,I'm dumbfounded as I hear helplessly,those words,echoing inside my head,bouncing around,leaving a deadly mark,eating through my flesh,bringing the most painful of all pains.My first reaction to it,were the signals that were sent out by the brain,carried into motion by the neutron cells,and finally,causing breakdown to occur.
My whole world came crashing around me,as I stood helplessly,as circumstances once again reared its ugly head.Taking over my life,it ripped apart,bit by bit,as my life begin to reveal its further course that it was heading to.Slowly,circumstances showed how ruthless it can be when the time comes for it to strike and release its venemous poison as its teeth sank deep into my skin.
In a state of shock and disbelief,I found it almost entirely impossible to accept it.A dagger,pierced through,and there to stay,as I tried in vain to dislocate it from my heart,but it stayed there,stuck,as I cried out in agony and in frustration.The dark shadow of depression began to take its toll on me,causing all kinds of negative thoughts to flow through my head.
This time,I was paralyzed,paralyzed with fear.All of a sudden,gloom entered in,and corrupted the whole system.The beautiful melodious music that once ran in my head,began to fade away,and disappear,as I let nature run its course.Where were all my best friends?With only Eu Jin,and my dearest cousin by my side,I was wondering just what happened to the others.
As she tried in vain to calm me down,keep me back on the right track,I couldn't believe that in time,I might lose her.With nowhere left to turn,I resided to my bed,and turned to my other outlet,tears.I just let it all go freely,as the tears just came down,and rolled onto my cheeks,leaving a trail of moist.But above all,those were the tears of sadness,grief,pain,anguish and plain heartache.
Pushed to my limits,I have finally reached breakdown point.More than ever,I need you to reassure me,to be there to hold my hand,to spend whatever time left we have together,to receive all this love that I have for you,and just to be by my side,as time catches up.More than ever,I wished with all my heart,that time would just stop right now.
Pain,grief-striken,hurt,anxiety,anguish,depression,worries,the melancholic sounds of a broken heart.They all fill the air,as I cry this tears of plain sadness.Let them roll down freely,expressing them out through an outlet,knowing that its all momentary,before I have the need to let it all out again.I just need to love you more and more.
-Matt-
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Confounded.I'm lost for words.Isn't the best opportunities in life always wasted just by the "sitback and watch" mentality?It doesn't work,does it?Opportunities come and go.If its not grabbed by the neck,regrets is all your pockets will be filled with,not to mention that stabbing thought in the mind,"What if I had done this?" I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor, and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words: "What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter. "And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore." I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of... Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. Again... I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!" No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. Again... -Matt-
Its just plain stupidity,and though I've tried changing my mentality,I have,but its just that,golden opportunities not taken kills all my effort I've put in.I should just stab myself for being so dumb.Can't say I didn't try though.Things just don't work out the way it should friggin be.I've learned that life is a real *****.
I'm sick and tired of all this shit.I'm tired of breaking down into tears everytime this kinda shit happens.I'm tired of thinking about expectations and the friggin disappointments.I guess I always had this stupid thought that,things will somehow piece itself together to form that complete jigsaw puzzle that I've wanted to make.
Nothing's worse than a big expectation been extinguished,followed by an even bigger disappointment that really just pisses me off.Nothing seems to go my way now.What did I do to deserve such shit?I need a hug.I'm becoming emo again,and I can't let that happen.I just can't.Not after I've had that few days of change.
Discouraged.Ever notice how a pile of shit comes together with another?My dad had to choose to lecture me just when all this shit happened.Wow,what a friggin coincidence!What utter nonsense!Just really pissed off.I was in such a good mood today,but it all just disintegrated within moments.So pissed!
Go on!Rant your nonsense to me.Talking about forgiveness,I actually felt a release inside when I actually forgave a few certain party's who had annoyed the crap out of me.Now that I'm so annoyed,I don't feel like in a forgiving mood now if any dumb ass were to come to me and piss me off right now.
Hate all these roller coasters going round and round,as I sit helplessly,ravaged by its stabbing pain that its leaving in me.Circumstances can seriously piss off.Go die go die! I hate you! Ignorance is bliss.I wished I could have the luxury of having ignorance.It'll be so much more nicer.Stab stab stab!
Friggin tired.Tired physically,mentally,emotionally.I need a boost.Or I'll seriously breakdown for good.Just when I needed that extra boost,I got disappointed.Now,I gotta face another stupid week on my own.Life's treating me like shit.Circumstances suck so bad.And I'm a sucker dying for attention.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Suddenly,the world looks different alltogether.What's this?Maybe it ain't the same anymore.Change my friggin perspective on life,and a whole load of crap.Looking at things from a different angle,and I somehow feel lighter,and there ain't no burdens anymore.Its like,now,all I need to do,is deal with the basic problem I've been having.
Bulldozing my way through life,I feel as if I can take on anything.Weakening my grasp,and limiting it to just holding on so a single thread.Just to make sure I've got control on everything.Hanging by a thread,it feels like I was gasping for air all the time.Now,all I feel is,something else different.
Probably changing my point of view,and how it all should be,I've gained more strength to push over any friggin obstacle in my way,and just solve it easily.Never would I in my wildest dreams,have thought I'd become like this.Instead of being the same ole' sappy emo freak that I once was,I feel as light as a feather.
Life is hard,but changes can be for the better.My friend was right. "Life is short,you gotta learn to have fun,or you'll regret later on." Having said all that,it just ain't gonna be the same anymore.Wondering what the word 'fun' would mean to me,considering the fact,that I'm carrying so many heavy responsibilities,plus the burdens of studies.
However,looking at things differently definitely has helped lighten the load so much.I'll never be the same again.Thank God He "slapped" me and woke me up.I even thought that it was gonna be a hard decision to make,considering it would mean changing my whole lifestyle,but I guess I can't say I regret making such a contrast change.Just hoping this doesn't bring a change to anything major in life.
Now the only problem would be to keep this up,or the possibility of reverting back to the old miserable sappy self might just occur.Convincing myself was the hardest thing,and now,hanging on and continueing this 'routine' check-up would be the challenge.Whatever man,I'm ready to face it.
-Matt-
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
It isn't without a reason that we're placed where we are today.Everything happens for a reason.Our lives were predestined,and it all goes along like some kind of classical play,where we're just the actors and actresses,moving along,living our lives the way it was preordained.Almost as if by clockwork,its like watching a movie.
Do feelings,emotions,and how we feel all fall into the category of predestined as well?If it is,I wished that this feelings were more stabil and not so shaky.For some stupid reason,I've got extra active raging hormons.Constantly in an unstabil state,still learning to control the flow of things.Almost as if I'm a walking timebomb.
Did a simple test and found out,I'm quite average,and not that emo at all.What the heck???Why am I being emotionally unstabil then?What's up with me then?Going through a major phase of life,and I'm changing into someone I don't even recognize.The only thing I can be thankful is having the most important person in my life next to me to pull me through.
Just realized a very very weird trend thats going on in college.Why are some of the guys who are having a steady relationship,becoming gay at the same time?Is it some kind of chemical reaction towards love?Spending too much time with your girlfriend can turn you gay because you're lacking guy attention?Or maybe their progresteron and astrogen hormons that are the minority,which has been hibernating has been activated?What a horrible thought!!!
There's just so much touching around among the guys in class.I know its suppose to be 'play around' but doing all that in class?Its getting a bit disgusting as well as distracting.I can't help but watch pitifully as some of them wallow in distinct childishness.Its amusing,but at the same time,I just feel so sorry.Hmm...I guess I really am different.
Maybe I'm taking life too seriously?Or maybe my level of maturity is a few levels higher?I'm not boasting,but the fact that I don't find being gay,or touching around in class amusing kinda shows it all,doesn't it?All the symptoms show.If being a bit too mature means a harder inability to find a proper bunch of peeps to be called your friends,in other terms,being more towards a loner,doesn't it show?
The weird thing is,I never had this kinda problems during high school.In fact,I was more of a social person,or in other words,a 'people's person.' Having to suddenly deal with a sudden loss or inability to blend in and mix around with the crowd,its all just too strange for me.Maybe its cause of certain things that has happened.
I guess it has its pros and cons.Adapting to college life is harder than I expected.The perception that everything will be smooth sailing is definitely a deception.Heck,its only the 1st year of a long 4 years.This is only the beginning,and I somehow gotta find an alternative social life somewhere outside.This group of people I call friends,just can't be really depended on and fully relied on.
This burden that I carry,is unfathomable.How to resolve it?I really don't know.Its the worst kinda feeling when you feel all alone and there really is not many people who you can confide in.There really isn't much hope,if all I'm gonna do is stare the problem in the eye,without taking action,but there really isn't much choice than to bear with it.
Sigh...Growing up pains.Sucks so bad.I think I've been given too many raging hormons at the same time.I'll have to make do with whatever I have.Hang in there Matt.Don't die!Gotta constantly push and strive towards the end and hope for the best.Gotta keep all these hormons under wraps.Argh,such a major task to be accomplished.
Vicious Contemplations.
-Matt-
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
On this very day,16 years ago,a lil girl was born.Today's her 16th birthday,and I'm so glad to have met her.She brings the colour into my world,which will otherwise be black and white.She puts the smile on my face,which will otherwise be gloomy.She's the pleasant thoughts that keep my mind from worrying.
She's the sweet taste in my life,which will otherwise be tasteless.She's the sunshine in my world when I'm feeling all alone and without hope,and the grey clouds seem to overcome me.She's the companion thats always there,that backs me up,supports me,and keeps me going.She's the inspiration,that inspires my heart,to write out and express my feelings through poems and such.
She's the one who'll lower my ego when it becomes too large.She's the one who'll keep me sane and in the right mind when I tend to go crazy.She's the sweet dreams that I have,that ensures I have a peaceful and a sound night.Her voice is the most pleasant sound to any human ears,or at least to mine.
Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes to die for,and it seemed as if I could get lost in them.Her lips are the most luscious lips I've ever seen(Hahaha,this might sound a lil wrong,but please do not get the wrong idea).Her hair,has the most sweet smelling aroma that seems to fill the room when she walks in,or at least,to me.She has the softest fingers,with the most delicate of touches.
She's just been a real blessing to me,and I really wanna thank God for her.She's just so sweet,kind,and caring,that I feel so blessed.She really is the biggest blessing that He's ever given to me,and for that,I'm so thankful.
So,to my dearest darling,I love you so much.Thanks for always being there.Happy Birthday baby! I hope you have a great one.You deserve it after your finals.Have a good day!
--------------------------------------------------
Coming out from the cinema,it seemed as if I was caught up in the world that was portrayed by the movie.Was dazed at how such a movie could make such an impact on me.Totally taken aback by the storyline that somehow captivated the essense of the human ethics and their tendency to conform to others,just to fit in with the 'in' croud.
Somehow,it left a stinging effect on me,a not too good feeling I might add.Suddenly felt lonely,and it couldn't get any worse with the ongoing situation.Yet,still gotta put on that familiar mask routinely,knowing that,if I don't,I would constantly be bombarded with questions which has no certain answers.
Instead of feeling better after the movie,I felt a lil sense of loneliness.Oh My Gosh!! What the heck's wrong with me?Sigh...Shall overcome this nonsense,once again,like I've always done.Must find a way,to stop all these thoughts from interferring with my life.
Good thing is,I managed to do some window shopping,checking out some stuff,preparing to buy some presents,especially for Christmas.Its funny,but the month of October has a lot of birthdays.Oh crap.Christmas will be another upcoming festive season.Gotta start planning my finances.
Other than that,had a good day.Watched the movie with a best friend who I've not seen in ages.Thanks a lot.You were probably the only person who was available,and willing to 'teman' me out for a movie.Thanks.Missed your company,though we hardly had any time to catch up.
Met a few old friends,classmates,ex classmates.A public holiday spent at 1U,you're definitely bound to meet someone familiar there.However,the environment was once again crowded.Packed with peeps,it was to no surprise that there were peeps everywhere.Sigh....
Get outta my head!!
-Matt-
Monday, October 09, 2006
I'll let the pictures do all the talking. Judgement day! Towards the later part of the morning,did some rather deep thinking.As usual,found out where I've been misleading myself,and been causing too many problems.Looking deep right into the source and the reason why I'm still breathing,the heart,and attempted to unravel the misteries behind it,as to why I'm causing all the problems. Found out quite a bit in a day.Just glancing deep into myself,realized where I've gone wrong,and how I've done her wrong.Sense of guilt just swept over me,causing me to just hit the ground,and ponder about all the mistakes I've done,all the 'crimes' I've commited. Realized,that I've got to be commited to alter this personality,and change the perception of how things are suppose to be.Having pre-conceived ideas don't really help either.There's just too many aspects of my thoughts that I need to change.Covers a whole wide area of changing my lifestyle even. Therefore,with this blog as my witness,this post as a guideline,and whoever's reading this,you're all witnesses.I solemnly vow,to change myself,for the better,and whatever mistakes I make,I'll bear the responsibility,and learn from them,for myself,and for us.I love you baby!And I'm sorry.
Enough said.
---------------------------------------------------------
-Matt-
Sunday, October 08, 2006
As the days go by,everything becomes blur.Its like time whizzes so fast,time is not enough to stop and take a look around.Everyone has their own plans and agendas,and the longing for someone to be there sucks so bad.Just an invisible 'decor' to a black and white world that is seen through my eyes.
Though there is some colour,I can't help but ponder about how its all still haunting me.Going through daily routines,nobody notices me.Can't help but feel unloved,insecure.Everything goes on without me being in it,and I'm just a bystander,watching as things happened.I've known of only some peeps who actually asks whats wrong.Guess it shows how invisible I am.
I'm an attention craving idiot?You got that right,but who doesn't?Is it wrong to wanna feel loved,secure,and knowing that you're included into plans,that your opinions count,that your plannings count,that you're heard when you speak,that your feelings are taken into account,that you're actually cared for,that you're actually thanked when you do something,and given a pat on the back when you excel?
I guess not.I don't deserve it?Who knows.Only God knows how I feel right now,and man,its just downright depressing.Even time and circumstances are against me.I fight with every bit of strength in me,but how can I go against the winds of circumstances.Its like fighting an uphill battle,trying to win it.
It friggin hurts when nobody ever notices you.I'm so tired of wearing a mask and pretending that everything's okay.I'm so tired of fighting circumstances,and making plans that'll most probably be interrupted.I'm so tired of feeling this way.Wearing a mask everyday just ain't my style.Hiding my true self,its what I do.
And ever so often,there are only 2 or 3 peeps who actually can see through the mask and say,"Are you okay?I'll be here when you need me,kay?" Sometimes,its just so natural to answer,"Yeah I'm fine," when you're not.Its become a habit for me,to say that,and nobody,except my closest friends will actually know that something's wrong.
The most common response? "Oh,okay.Glad you're feeling alrite." So damn naive!You guys just take it in,and believe every word I say.Isn't my face and expressions a good enough clue to tell you I'm not okay?Either its not clear,or you guys are seriously densed and so friggin blur,that you don't know it.
Somehow or rather,those that are in similiar positions are the only peeps that truly understand.The rest of them,just ask,take in your answer,and walk away.There are times,when it becomes so bad,I just wished I could cry.I really do.I'm so thankful I did today,though it was a short one.But with a good friend who's willing to hear me out,and lend me a shoulder to cry on,it means a whole lot to me.Thanks Linda dear.I felt a lil better.
Yet,once again,I face another week.With exams and stress and assignments and presentations.The friggin list goes on.At the same time,I gotta deal with myself and fight the war that has raged and destroyed most of me.I just wished I could let it all out.
"Sometimes,the people we love,forget to love us back."
-----------------------------------------------------
Do you have any friends of the Opposite Sex :
[Yeap.I ain't gay]
Are you in a Relationship:
[Yeah.I love you!]
Who was the Last person you dated:
[Have not gone out on a date before.Still waiting]
What is the best quality:
[The way she says I love you.]
Have you ever been cheated on:
[Nope.]
Have you ever cheated on someone:
[Nope,never]
When was your First serious relationship:
[Now!]
Who with:
[Thats for me to know,and for you to find out]
Have you ever had Friends with Benefits:
[I'm sincere in friendship.I don't take it lightly]
What makes the opposite sex attractive:
[Her personality,and yes,looks does play a small part]
Do you have a crush:
[Nah,I love someone.]
Do you dream about your crush:
[I don't have a crush,but I do dream about her.]
Is there someone you want to kiss:
[Oh yeah...]
Have you ever kept a crush super secret:
[Yeah,but it never works.]
Have you ever done something you regret:
[Yeah]
Have you ever hurt someone:
[Its sad,but I've just found out the meaning of "hurting someone"]
Has someone ever hurt you:
[Yeah]
Do you care about money:
[Only fools will worship money.Thats my philosophy.]
Were you ever with someone completely opposite of you:
[Don't think so.Not completely la anyway.But opposites attract.]
Do you miss someone:
[Yeah,I do.I miss someone till its killing me]
Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:
[Her face and hair,I guess.]
Have you ever had a crush on someone that was in a relationship:
[Can't recall.Maybe?]
Have you ever kissed a stranger:
[Why would I do that for?]
What would be your perfect date:
[Just me and her,on a hill,watching the stars,with the moon as our guide,and when times stops]
Do you prefer holding hands or making out:
[Holding hands I guess?]
Whats the best physical attribute:
[Does it even matter that much?]
Lost someone:
[Yeah,sadly.]
How do you feel about Long distance relationships:
[It might work,with loads of trust,effort,constant communication,and love]
Do you want them to be smart:
[Yeah?Who are we talkin about anyway?]
Last one of the opposite sex you talked to:
[Sharmein!!]
How many people have you dated since January:
[None]
Do you care if they share your religion:
[Its a must!]
Have you ever said I love you and meant it:
[Everytime]
Do you believe in love at first sight:
[Nah,thats called infatuation,or puppy love.]
Do you think internet relationships can really work:
[Depends on whether you actually see each other in the end.]
When was the last time you slow danced:
[Last December,during high school prom.]
Does anyone have a crush on you:
[I don't know.I wouldn't know now,would I?]
Do you want to get married:
[Sure,why not?At the proper time,of course]
Have you ever stalked someone:
[Maybe.Beware.]
Has someone ever stalked you:
[Yeah,I think]
Have you ever done the love calculator:
[Yeah,I felt especially stupid when they sent the results to the person who sent the stupid email]
Would you ever kiss someone in front of your parents:
[Not now]
Have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex:
[Nope]
Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex:
[Nope]
Have you ever been naked with the opposite sex:
[No!]
Have you ever had sex:
[Nah,I'm still a virgin,and proud of it.]
Do you bite when you kiss:
[Dunno.Haven't tried yet.]
Would you date someone from another state:
[Been there,done that.Why not?]
Would you be with someone with glasses:
[I don't mind]
Have you kissed someone in a restaurant:
[Nope]
Do you care if they drink:
[Yeah.Alcohol smells.]
Smoke:
[Nope.Hate smokers!]
Have you ever been called a tease:
[I guess so?]
Have you ever cried over someone who you were just "talking" with:
[Yeah.]
Have you ever liked someone from a different country:
[Not really.]
Would you play with their hair:
[Not if I don't really like that person]
Would you do anything for the person you like:
[No,but I would do anything for the person I love]
Do you miss a past relationship:
[Nope.I love the current 1.The best! <3]
Whats really important to have in a relationship:
[Trust,love,understanding,commitment,time alone.Too many to list down.]
Do you like getting massages:
[Totally love them.]
Would you date someone that doubled popped their collars:
[Doubble popped collars?Wht's that?]
Do you like to cuddle:
[Yeah]
7 Random Things About Me:
1.I love God!
2.I love my family.
3.I love my baby.
4.I love music.
5.I love my best friends.
6.I'm insecure.
7.I'm emo.
7 Random Songs:
1.Move Along by All-American Rejects
2.Saving me by Nickelback
3.But its better if you do by Panic! At the Disco
4.For you I will by Teddy Geiger
5.From the inside out by UNITED Live
6.I don't wanna close my eyes by Aerosmith
7.All I need is You by UNITED Live
7 Things I Like Most:
1.SMSing
2.Going online.
3.Going out.
4.Music.
5.Football.
6.Talking on the phone.
7.Eating.
(The rest that are not stated here,are because I love doing em)
7 Things That Scare Me:
1.Losing my loved ones.
2.Heights(A lil)
3.Becoming fat.
4.Offending other peeps.
5.Feeling depressed,insecure and unloved.
6.Not being able to pick myself up when I fall.
7.My loved ones won't be saved.
-Matt-
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Overpowered by an outer source of seemingly endless doom.Compelled to reach out and embrace it,accepting the fact that its unavoidable.Proven that its alluring charm has a gravitational pull on me,entangling itself aroumd my entire being,slowly wrapping itself around me,corrupting my very system.
The essence of my being cries out for help,but is not heart.Wishing for it to end,it triggers off the sense of insecurity and unwantedness,of being unloved,just like a domino effect.One after another,it brings down its full weight of doom upon me,crushing whatever sanity I had and control of myself.
Pulled into a showdown between one side of the mind,and the other,I'm helpless,as I watch from the sidelines,the classic showdown between the good,and the bad.Torn between a decision of great outcomes,I stand alone,knowing that only I can make this decision on my own.As my mind masterminds my downfall,I'm defenceless.
Trying to comprehend where my true self lies,it only brings more unanswered questions than answers.Searching for the part of me that I have not ventured before.Do I even know what I'm looking for?Confused and bewildered,I stagger upon mystery after mystery,just looking for the end of the tunnel.
Another one of those times,when my understanding of myself blurs out,and I can't control this inner thoughts from getting to me.Self-patronize must be avoided at all cost.Once again,time proves to be the sole factor in controlling the flow of things.
Relentless disappointments
-Matyt-
Friday, October 06, 2006
Sometimes,I often pose myself this question,is doing the right thing worth it?Is it worth the humiliation?Is it worth the jeers and scorns?Is it worth the amount of $#!+ you get back?Sometimes,doing what's right may mean a certain embarassment,being laughed at,or even being looked down upon.
Well,I for one am glad I did something right today.Though it has nothing to do with the above statement,but sacrificing does count.Though I so much wanted to keep it for my own,as I had my own agenda and plans,but seeing the situation,I just couldn't help,but think,there's no better time to change than now.
It hurts,and if it means a delay in my plans,then I guess it'll have to be like that.But I'm proud of myself,cause I did the right thing.Standing up for your own stands and convictions,can be a real challenge.I've seen that especially in my life,and too many times,I've succumbed to the peer pressure that mounts up against me.
You think being the way you are means you're cool?Thats what you think,but for me,being myself is the best,even if its not cool to you.Know why?Cause as long as I know I don't change to fit in,or just to look cool,like the rest of you friggin pretenders and hypocrites do,I'll stay original.There's no other Matt in this world.So why bother changing?
Yes,I may dislike certain parts about myself,but who am I to argue that I shouldn't be like this,or I should be like that?I'm who I am today cause I was created that way.If a girl were to come to me right this instant,and tell me that she loves me for me,and not because I try to be someone else,I'll be the happiest guy in the world.
I ain't gonna wear a stupid mask just to fit in,or look cool.I'll just be myself.Don't change me.Don't act like you friggin know me,cause you don't.If I'm meant to be secluded from your so called group of peers,and to be chucked aside,by all means.If you can't accept me for who I am,then I don't care,cause your opinions or 'friendship',if you can call it that way,doesn't matter.
I appreciate best friends,cause they accept me for who I am.I appreciate everyone close to me,cause no matter what,I'm still loved,even if I don't feel it that much.To all you wanna-be's,instead of earning my respect by changing to be cool,you've totally lost it.You've changed your identity,so to speak.
If friendship was all about being cool,and relationships all about looks,then I can tell you,there isn't anything that will last.Excuse me,but even being rich means you're surrounded by friends?I should say not.You're probably surrounded by vultures,scavengers ready to eat up whatever extra's you drop.
Still,we all do wear masks,but at least,I don't wear a mask that totally isn't me.Everything I do,is a part of me.If you can't friggin accept me for who I am,then beat it! I don't need peeps like you.As long as I have my own life,and my closest peeps love me,I don't need you.Snap out of it!Wake up!This is reality!My respect is earned by peeps who can be themselves,and stand up for themselves.
Dare to be different!Dare to be yourself!
-Matt-
Thursday, October 05, 2006
I smell the air of freedom.The biggest assignment(Or should I say harassment) is over.English assignment can die.Unfortunately,our presentation of the assignment wasn't that good,and we've been given the 3rd assignment already.What the heck???Crazy?Wanna kill us?Sigh...Unbearable.Month of October,must be a month of stress.
Not only that,that same jerk made unnecessary comments.I was so friggin pissed,and I could really have walked over and hit him in the face,but,well,I gotta learn to curb anger and forgive.So yeah,somehow,I managed to forgive and forget.Annoying lil jerk.You're fortunate I'm the forgiving type!You don't wanna go back with a disfigured face,trust me.
Anyway,the good news is,the stupid assignment is done with.Though I half screwed my accounts exam.For the 1st time after SPM,I couldn't balance the damn balance sheet! I can't believe it! Argh! This is utter nonsense! So sad! But I hope,the worst of the week is over,and the rest of the week shall be a breeze.
A long month ahead! Its either exams,or assignments,week in,week out.Sigh...Its friggin sad.Not to mention the haze is back.What a bother! The scent of smoke can be traced in the air,everywhere I go.What's happening?Who's the stupid knuckleheads who set the forest on fire?Irritating...Insensitive peeps.
Hopefully,I can use the end of that to jumpstart my week.Its faultering so bad.I need to pick myself up,and look for a better week ahead.Semester is going into overdrive! Stress stress stress! Persevere on! Looking onward with the hope of a better week up ahead!
The scent of momentary freedom.
-Matt-
PS: Malaysian drivers suck.You guys obviously don't know how to drive!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Ever wondered just how nothing seems to fall in place,and you're thinking,"Oh crap,I'm having a bad day?" What happens when you have consecutive bad days and things just ain't looking up anymore.Well,if you haven't,I can tell you how sucky things can be,cause the whole friggin week's messed up!I can even list it down!
1.Personal problems that plagued me on Monday(Thank God its solved,somewhat).
2.An annoying guy calls me up,and annoys the @#$% outta me.
3.Assignment's pretty much screwed up,and we gotta improvise!
This all happened on Monday alone,and I had the whole stupid day off.Of all days,I had to have a bad day.Normally,rationally thinking,Monday's determine the week and how well it'll go and things like that.What happens if you start your Monday's that way?You would think thats the end?Wait,there's more.
4.My friggin shoelaces broke the minute I walked into college.
5.Couldn't find notes for my stupid Business Comm. presentation! Useless search engines!
6.My best friend(or was) indirectly insulted my baby(Screw you @#$%@$!). So we ain't talking!
Ah,that all happened yesterday.Lets see what happened today.
7.Woke up 1st thing in the morning,got scolded by my dad!
8.My stupid handphone's earpiece ain't working.I can't hear anything when a call is made or received.Guess what?I gotta use the handsfree!
I'm just waiting,expecting whats gonna happen next! Anything can happen.I've got another long day ahead of me.My stupid assignment dateline is due tomorrow,added with the annoying accounts exam.What can I say?I've been having a really bad week.All I can say is,I'm so fed up of all this @#$% thats happening.
I ain't gonna cry over this $#!+.Its not worth crying.I ain't no crybaby!Don't think that you were my best friend,you can simply insult my baby! I've forgiven you,though I'm still friggin mad.And I'll pretend like nothing happen,and drop the subject.But don't expect me to go begging for forgiveness from you.If you ain't gonna even talk to me,then screw you!
I can't stand the likes of you.Yes,I felt a real deep hurt when you insulted the both of us,but its all your friggin fault.You may say I can't think rationally because I'm angry and stuff,but were you ever thinking rationally when you insulted me and stuff?I don't think so.So,if you ain't gonna apologize,then really,get outta my life and hers.Leave us alone.
I don't wanna stoop down so low like you,and insult you back.It just ain't me.I'm not as malicious as that.I'm sorry,but you've just reinforced my mind,that friends,and not best friends are never trustworthy.I don't even know you now.The guy I knew,would never do such a thing.Who the heck are you?Leave us alone.
I'll still consider you as a friend,but if this is how you want things to be,then so be it.It all goes to show,that real best friends are more understanding,and will always be there for you.Now you see where my priorities lie.Thats why,she comes 1st before any of you.No offence,but I love her to bits,and nothing will change that.
If you ain't gonna apologize to me,I don't care.But if you wanna make things right,you better darn right apologize to her.You should know by now,that she comes right after God and my family in my list of priorities.Nothing will ever change that.She's my best friend.Nobody messes around with my best friend,and gets away with it.
Baby,I love you so much! Don't blame yourself for anything,kay?Its not your fault!
Lets see how my week progresses so far.I ain't giving up,and I'm trying to avoid breakdown!Persevere Matt,persevere.God help me as I go through this really really tough period.I need Your strength!Don't wanna breakdown and die in the midst of it all.Argh!
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Hi you dear pretenders.You guys actually think you're so damn cool?Well well well,I've got news for you.You're not.You can pretend all you want,but I know whats hiding behind those masks'.You ain't fooling me.I'm not that stupid and densed to know whats hidden behind them.
Laugh at me for all I care.It never occurs to you that I have feelings does it?Well,if thats how you wanna play,two can play at this game.Ever heard the saying "You scratch my back,I'll scratch yours?" Here's something new,"You hit me,I'll hit you,TWICE!" Friend wanna-be's.Thats all you bunch of peeps ever were to me.
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Here's something nice to talk about,away from all the tragedies and mishaps of my week.Gotta thank someone for always being there,though its not felt.Its just nice to see the care and concern showed and to know someone cares.Thanks for your smses.They really help me feel better.
PS: Don't worry about the dog bites! You'll be fine.Hahaha. =P Hope that you'll be able to keep in constant touch. =)
-Matt-