Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Feelings of dejected-ness,rejected-ness and being unwanted.I've lost my place among the social hierachy,and found myself in wanting,of best friends.Is it just me,or am I being silly?I'm overly dependant,yes,I won't deny that.Life is too much to bear alone.Its weight would crush me to oblivion without anyone supporting me.
I've lost a best friend recently,and I've found out the hard way how much a best friend's support,company and advice can be the best gift I can ever receive.Lost one,but found another.I guess,I still need another best friend who's always by my side.Don't get me wrong.You're really the best friend I always wanted,and everything more.
Just that,feelings of loneliness continue to haunt me.Emptiness and all.What's wrong with me?Why are best friends so hard to find?They're never that easy to get,but easy to lose.Friends are everywhere,but what happened to all my best friends?I can't believe I'm feeling this way,probably due to the fact that I can't be there for you.
Best friends are suppose to be there for each other,but if I can't be there for you,it defeats my purpose.Feeling terribly down.I know I don't wanna be emo and all,but yeah,I've been hit again.It kills me seeing you like this.Agony beyond description.Pain beyond comparison.Watching helplessly,as you suffer without me,knowing that if only you'll let me help,I can.
Am I destined to be without many friends?I can't survive.I thought with you,I don't need anyone else.Its true,you're 1 of the greatest motivation in my life,and I feel as if even the sky is not my limit.As long as I have you,I can do anything.The thing is,you were there for me when I needed you.I can't even be there for you when you need me.
Its eating me up slowly.It feeds on this loneliness,and grows stronger in strength every moment I leave it to eat on me.I want real best friends.There are normally peeps who I thought would be my best friends.They start out well,but somewhere in the middle,they lose the concern for me,and they no longer show the kind of care they once did.
Where are you peeps?Why have I been abandoned?Am I too horrendous to behold?Am I really a jerk?Am I not good enough for anyone?I stand alone,facing a desert,with only a few support 'beams' to lean on.So far,I've only found 2-3 best friends in my entire life,capable of being there for me no matter what time,how busy, or how much trouble they'll take to be there for me.
I would say,the qualities of a best friend that means alot to me,is their constant concern showed,the willingness to listen,and just to be there.This are rare jewels.Its no wonder they're so hard to find.Without a doubt,I'm feeling this deep emptiness.Its like a big cave,with so much space to feel,but so little to fill it with.
I've had enough asking for more friends.I want best friends.Peeps that will stand for me,care for me,show concern to me,be there for me,listen to me rant and rant for all its worth,and most of all,to accept and understand me for who I am.Why must I actually feel this deep gap within me?I know I have God as my best friend.
I just want more peeps who really can be my best friends.Indeed,I do not even have 10 best friends at the moment.For someone who clicks easily,its surprising how I'm lacking of best friends.Supposedly a self-proclaimed social dude,I can't find friends who'll always ask how I'm doing and all.
I just wanna give up.Drop dead here.All my best friends,don't even trust me with their problems.I can't help at all.Helpless.Defeats my purpose as a friend.I'm not trustworthy enough.Just shoot me.I'm no use to anyone on this earth.On the verge of having a breakdown.Don't know whats gonna happen next.
Destined to be a loner?Only time will tell... =(
-Matt-