Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Dear KR,
No words can sum up or even justify what I did to you.I know saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean a thing to you,but I really am sorry for what I did to you.I don't know how else I can say it to you.I've dragged you into a mess,and its all my fault.I wouldn't have expected things to turn out this way either.
I know you said you'll support me in whatever decision I make,but somehow or rather,I knew if I hurt you,that wouldn't be the case.Don't pretend that everything's okay,cause I know its not.I felt like a real jerk and an idiot yesterday.To be honest,I've never felt so bad in my life.Its cause its just not me.I don't wanna hurt anyone.
The decision I made yesterday,was a really tough decision.All the more so after what you told me in the evening.My guilt haunted me for the rest of the night,and still is haunting me.You can't pretend and tell me that you're okay,cause I know you well enough.You just can't be okay in this kinda situation.
I was so worried yesterday,that I didn't wanna tell you at 1st,but since I said that I would,I did.I thought telling you the truth would be the best.You really broke my heart when you said,that we shouldn't be close anymore.When I asked you whether we could still be good friends,you said "I dunno," which I guess,I can't blame you.Even I would have answered that if I were in your situation.
However,you were my best friend,and whether you see it differently or not,I'll never look at you differently.To me,you remain my best friend.You might even hate me now,and might never wanna talk to me again.You might think that we can't really be as close as we were before,and if you have your stand,then I guess there's nothing I can do.
I'm really gonna miss those times we had together,talking online,smsing,and even calling.I believe,you were 1 of the best friends,I could ever have in my life.I'm just sorry that its all gonna end just because I dragged you into this.I've behaved worse than a jerk,even worse than D*****.Would you believe me if I said,I never meant to hurt you in any way?
I lost 2 and a half hours of sleep yesterday,just cause I kept thinking about how sad you'll be.I even broke down in tears,thinking how badly I've hurt you.Its a really bad feeling,but I can't help it.I think too much?Definitely! I guess I'm just not used to hurting people,and I never wanna hurt anyone again.
I didn't give you a wake up call this morning,cause I thought that,you wanted some time away from me,after what I've done.I just wanna say,our friendship means the world to me,and if you wanna call it quits,I understand.I guess nothing I say,can ever justify my actions towards you.I'm just sorry I couldn't see the future,or I would have been able to avert hurting you.
You asked me to follow my heart,and I did.This is what my heart wants.If you never find it in your heart,to forgive me,I totally understand.I just want you to know,that whatever I said or did,was sincere.I meant every word I said.Its just that,it took me a long time,to really figure out,what I want.After much consideration,and giving it really careful thought,this is what turned out.
You may never forgive me,ever.I just want you to know,that I'll be here,once your best friend,but now,only a friend to you,because thats the way you want it to be.If this is goodbye,I wish you all the best in your life,and in your studies.Friends forever,thats what I think of us.Whether you believe in forever or not,this is what I think.I'll never forget you or the moments we've had together.Never!
Take care.Goodbye.
-Matt-