Wednesday, August 23, 2006
@#$%@#$@!!! Thats all I can say.I hope my self-control will hold me back.I'm having a real war with it.Its the friggin side of me that just wanna blow up.So pissed.My whole day's ruined.I hate this,I hate this!Why did I have to be like that? @#$%!#%@!!
So terribly disappointed in myself.I'm so sad.Got nothing to say.I screwed up my piano practical exam.What's there to say?I'm so worried now that I won't pass,what more get a merit,or a distinction.Argh.Ruined,ruined!In shambles.I wanted to cry.
I've never felt disappointed in myself this badly before.My mood's totally ruined today.Just before the PD trip as well.How stupid can this get?I can't think straight.Tomorrow,the 4 days period starts.Its just days away before I make that all important decision.
Gotta clear this outta my system.Peeps kept telling me its over,so relax and forget about it,but the truth is,I can't.This is my final piano exam,and if I don't pass,I'll seriously breakdown and cry.There's no way I'm gonna go for another year just to pass the exam.This is it!Must pass.If I don't,it'll be a waste,cause there's no way I'm going to resit that piano exam.
I'm so not in the mood to do anything.I'm sorry.I've let you down.Really.You've been really sweet.Wished me good luck and all.Called me up just before my exam to wish me good luck.Thanks.Appreciate it lots.I was in such a bad mood after the exam.Wanted to sms you,but was in a bad mood.You smsed anyway after my exam,and tried to cheer me up.Thanks,but I really can't.I'm sorry.I'm still so worried.
Well,somehow,I know its gonna be a rough week.Gotta make a big decision,gotta do this,gotta do that.Sigh...This 4 days will determine where I'll be heading.Its a crucial time.Just to observe,and to see what's gonna happen.I'm too young for this.I'm only 18.Too many trials and tribulations.Argh!!Why me??
4 days of observation.3 days of pleasure.2 whole days of food,food and food.And 1 crucial outcome,and then finally,decision time.Major mess.This is it.Its now or never.Just like a runner,focused on his goal,the finishing line,the medal that awaits him,so am I,focused,determining which path my life will take a turn for,looking forward,to what unfolds next.
Everything is channeled to this.All my energy,my thoughts,my focus,and we'll see,what happens next.Its a matter of time,but I ain't gonna play by the rules.As the dateline reaches nearer and nearer,I stand,ever so close,to that point of my life,where everything,hangs in the balance.Pushing towards the goal,my motivation,is unknown.Where such energy came from,I do not know.1 thing's for sure,this time,my decision stands.
God help me,even as I go through this phase of life.This is major.The rest,I leave it in your hands.I don't have to do much to make up my mind.Just gonna wait.Its gonna be 1 heck of a week.Out of the fire,and into the frying pan.The time begins now!
PD,here I come.
-Matt-