Tuesday, August 08, 2006
It was then that I realized,I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be to you.I've tried,I really have,but I guess,its just no use.Yesterday,it hit me like a brick.What was I thinking?Am I really fit to be called your friend?It was at that point,that point of your life,when you were hurting,sad,and depressed,that I wasn't able to be there for you.
I was hurt myself,because you were hurt.I just couldn't be there,or even to cheer you up for that matter.I felt useless,hopeless.The point where you needed me most to cheer you up,I couldn't.I really wanted to,I did,but for once,I couldn't.I have failed my duty,my obligations and my responsibility to you as a friend.Most of all,I have betrayed you.
It is with the deepest remorse and regret,that I blog this down.Saying sorry just doesn't mean a thing nowadays.I feel like its not good enough.Even my very own reason for not being able to be there for you didn't help justify my conscience.I realize that the reason I had for not being able to be there,seemed stupid at times,but I have to.If not,I'll complicate matters.
You might as well stop communicating with me,stop conversing.I feel so unworthy,that I'm just not good enough.You might as well take a revolver and blow my brains out.I wanna be always there for you,but when you're sad,it paralyzes me.I just can't show that concern and care,because I forget how everytime I see how sad you are.I'm scared I'll cross the line and make matters worse.What's the use if I can't be there when you need me?Shoot me...
I feel stupid,cause I can't help you even if I wanted to.I'm hopeless in this.You said I don't show that concern and care that I claim to have,but I've already explained myself that day.You know what might happen if I complicate matters.I just wish you'd hit me,wake me up from this syndrome.I feel like a spineless coward.I don't wanna face up to you.Whatever I do,its bound to complicate matters.
I don't even know if I deserve all those times,when you showed your concern,that I doubt anyone else has truly show to me.You were persistent during those times when I needed you.I feel undeserving of your friendship.I appreciate it.No words can describe my appreciation,but yet,I know,that if I went too far into my appreciation for you,it might turn out to be something else,if you know what I mean.
I really don't wanna be a burden to you.I feel like I'm being more of a burden than anything.Every lil thing I wanna do,I'm scared it might bring devastating consequences.Everytime I wanna calm you down,be there for you,comfort you,I back off,knowing I'm sure to cross the line.You said you needed a shoulder to cry on,I really wish I could be there when you needed to cry.
I can't be of any use,except be a listening ear to you.Anything more than that,and you'll see the other part of me that I've kept so long from revealing itself.I know I can't afford to show that part of me.Its the other side of me that will do anything,including crossing the lines and the boundaries that have been set.
Until I know for sure I've been given permission to cross the line,so to speak,I dare not even think of letting the other side of me come out.We both know,the line,is clear and evident.There's no possibility of that line being removed,and you know it won't either.A miracle?I don't see any sign of it coming anytime soon.
I've told you to abandon me,give up on me,to stop showing concern,cause I don't want you to show me that concern that I don't deserve,and show it to someone else more deserving of it.I'm scared you showing me that concern might let that other half of me come out as well.I don't think you want that to happen anytime soon.
You don't know what you're doing when you show me that concern.I've told you, "When you need me,I'm here.If you don't need me,forget I ever existed.Only when you need me,then you remember me." Instead,you show me that concern though I've told you not to.I appreciate it,I really do.However,I shouldn't be the cause of your worries.You have more important people and things to worry about.
I don't know if this will sink in.Its getting harder for me day by day.Its causing some kind of conflict within me.I've been so close so many times,where the other half of me almost took over.Its happened so many times,I'm afraid I can't keep 'him' in for long.As long as you continue on this way,its like feeding fuel to the fire.
I really don't know what to do.I'm in a fix.Trust me,its not as easy keeping 'him' in.I'm just afraid 'he' might offend you,and hurt our friendship.If he takes over,there's no holding back.He'll give you everything you've lacked.Yet at the same time,if it backfires,it could end up hurting you.By the way things are looking now,it looks more likely to hurt you.
Yet,if you're willing,if you somehow come to a conclusion to take it in,it could turn out to be the total opposite.You might actually find what you're looking for.This war still rages on.I've got a slight advantage,in the sense,that I've caged 'him' in.But if this goes on,I'm afraid I'll lose the war,and you'll see a totally different 'me'.
Thats why I'm sorry for letting you see through me.I became too transparent to you,till you could sense when I was feeling down.I don't know what to do now.You know what to do.I believe you do.You hold the key to everything,and I only can hope,that you'll make the right decision.
-Matt-