Sunday, August 20, 2006
I'm being patronized again.I just know it.Everyone treats me like trash,especially yesterday.I'm just an annoying jerk who gets in everybody's face,or at least it seems that way.It seems like everyone hates me.I'm not a good example.I'm just a loser,a nobody.Whatever I do falls into oblivion.A disaster in the making.
Ever reached a point where you wonder what's a loser like you doing on this planet?How God can even think of using you and forgiving whatever sins you've done in the past?Yeah,I've reached that point.I'm wondering if I really have any purpose here on earth.Since everyone looks down on me,how can I be of service to God?
I know He'll use me somehow,but I just feel not worthy.I'm a useless friend,not a good leader,and give bad impressions about my parents.I've reached the point,where I've questioned Him,whether He can take me back home.I'm sick and tired of living life.I don't wanna be the scapegoat anymore.I don't wanna be the extra burdens that everyone related to me has to carry.
I don't wanna cause problems for other people and get them into trouble.I just wished that I can go back home.I don't wanna be in people's way.Still wondering what to do.I'm just a side act.When I'm needed,then I'll be remembered,and when I'm not,I'm chucked aside,left on the shelve,to collect rust and what not's.
I don't get it.I really don't.What did I ever do to you people?Have I not been nice enough?Being nice doesn't pay?Maybe I should consider my secondary option,which has crossed my mind a thousand times.Try being mean?Never really worked though.I can't even put myself into that kinda position.What rottenness!
Today's Sunday.Am I gonna be patronized now because of what happened?I so don't know what to do.Gotta just chuck this aside,wear that 'everything's okay' mask,and just put it aside.How I'm gonna face up to it,only God knows.Just 1 of those days...
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Just reached back from church.If its a crime feeling low,then I'm guilty.Facing a dilemma.Seemed that my parents never really approved of my ear stud,and today,I got a sorta advice from the speaker.Its really complicated.My life's taken a turn again.His message was really good,and it spoke to me,but,now,I don't know what to do.
Told me that it should never appear on my ear again and stuff.I'm really torn into 2.I guess maybe I'm insecure.I have this feeling that I don't look good enough,that I look like shit?Thats why I wear it,I guess.Well,I've lost my confidence for a long time already.Don't know.Maybe I'll have to stop wearing it?
He kept telling me that I'm setting a bad impression for the other youths.Maybe he's right.This all the more confirms what I've said earlier.Feel like a loser,a nobody.Always can't do things right.I make my parents look as if they didn't teach me and educate me properly.
This endless feeling of uselessness and stuff,really tiring.I really wanna go home.My best friends seemed to have deserted me.I don't blame them either.Don't deserve it at all.Self-patronizing also has become a habit.Life without friends,can be really lonely,and not to mention,makes life not worth living.
Dear Daddy up above,I really hope you'll take me home.I miss Your presence,cause thats the only time I don't feel lonely.Its then that I experience your wonderful companionship.I miss you so.I wished I understood why all this happened to me.Without a clue.
I'm just following the flow of time,wherever it leads me.Looks like I'm heading for self-destruction...
-Matt-