Friday, August 11, 2006
Woke up to the sound of that familiar noise,ringing inside my head.With a sigh,and a small prayer from my heart,hoping that it won't be like any other day,I got up,uncertain,unprepared to face another day.I dread the feeling of having to face up to another day.It seems like I don't know where I'm headed,or what I'm doing.
Life's made a coward out of me.The once brave guy that once resided in this earthly body has considerably diminished out of sight.I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him anymore.Instead,I've developed an attitude,and that is,to run whenever I face up to such a problem again.You might have heard the saying "Once bitten,twice shy."
Here's a modified version. "Once beaten,twice shy,thrice,better go and die." I believe life's a journey,as I have always believed.A journey to be taken,with too many crossways,and bypaths,that its impossible to go through without making decisions.Decisions,are by far,the hardest requirements of life.Not knowing what lies ahead makes it even worse.Thank God that He holds my future.
Going through he same growing up pains might seem inevitable,even pure foolishness at times,but repeated mistakes,I believe,occur just because 1 has not learned from it the 1st time.Some deep thinking actually helped me realize,that I'm back to square 1.It was without a doubt,that I had ended back up at the very point where I was running from.
Disgusted with myself,I get the feeling that its pure stupidity.With a sense of melancholicness,I realize for once,I wasn't thinking straight.Running into that same brick wall that seemed all too familiar got me thinking. "I believe I'm developing some kind of a phobia." This can't be happening.I'll just face up to my problem,and thats the end of it.I'll just climb over like I did before.
But I noticed,something was amiss.This 'brick wall' seemed much smaller.It was easier to climb.With a sigh of relief,I proceeded to climb.The 1st thought that came to my mind was, "Wow,this is easier than expected." Just when I thought I've reached the peak,I tripped,fell,and I watched helplessly as my body tumbled towards the ground.
That wasn't the most nicest way to land,but who cares,I'm over it.As I tried to pick myself up,I couldn't get up.What the?I tried,over and over again.Something was definitely wrong.It was as if my body was too heavy to pick itself up.As I wondered why,I took a survey of the surroundings around me,and realize something.
WHAT THE HECK!!!
I can't believe it!As if it wasn't bad enough,tripping over the wall,I fell back instead of forward.How on earth did that happen.No way! I'm not gonna stay here.Life's too short.I tried getting up,pushing for all it was worth.I couldn't seem to pull myself up.I checked for any signs of a broken leg,or a rib,but everything was intact.
Then I realized, "Wait a minute.My body's feeling heavy,and I can't pick myself up.Its definitely not because I've broken anything." It was as if,I was on the planet Jupiter.Gravity had increased a 1000 times.Getting up would be impossible.In fact how did I survive if the gravity was so strong?Dropping an egg from waist length would cause it to be crushed to bits and pieces beyond recognition.
How did I survive,and with no damage whatsoever?God must have protected me.Yet,I'm still facing that same problem.How am I gonna pick myself up,climb over the wall,and not fall and break anything in the process.Right there and then,this thought came to my mind. "I'm sophistication personified." Why would anyone else even face the kind of problems I do?I realize that only God can help me.
I lied down there,praying,almost giving up hope,to pull myself up.Its like,I'm waiting for Him to answer my prayer.Then,came the gentle reminder,that He's always there for me.Suddenly,I realized something.It was right under my nose,screaming for attention,but I was too carried away,trying to climb that obstacle in front of me.
HEY STUPID! You control your world,your problems!
Well,to be honest,I felt like an idiot.I immediately realized,I could suddenly get up.It was as if my legs were given strength.Whispering a prayer of thanks to God,I looked at the wall,and said, "Be removed and be cast into the sea.Get outta my way!Get out! I yelled at the top of my lungs.To my amazement,it simply floated up into the air,and disintegrated.
Out of no where,a voice came, "Whatever mess you've gotten yourself into,whatever problems you've created,only you can make it go away.You have the power to do so,especially now,more than ever.This is something,you can overcome.Its all in your mind." I was in awe.I just thanked God He was always there.He never stopped believing in me.
"What happened to my friends?" I questioned out loud,feeling incredibly stupid,talking to the air.There was no response.Tears welled up in my eyes. "I guess I really have no friends." It was then,that I saw you,a shining bright light,as if there was an aura of brilliance surrounding your very being.When you stepped nearer,I realized it was the reflection of light that made it seemed you were radiating light.
"Hey! I recognize that face.She seemed familiar." She offered me her hand.I reached for it,and I felt this strange but warm fuzzy feeling. "Don't worry,I'm here for you,even when everyone else disappears." I felt reenergized,revitalised.This time,when I looked into her face,I couldn't recognize it.
"Woah,back off.Who are you?" She just kept holding my hand,walking me through,life's journey,without answering my question.I followed helplessly,as if under a spell,unable to free myself.Thoughts of all kind ran through my head. "Who's this?My best friend?But I don't seem to know her."
Then she disappeared!Gone without a trace.And the same voice spoke,supposingly from nowhere. "That is your best friend.The reason,you don't recognize her,is simple.You do not know where to place her in your life right now.Therefore,her countenance changed.That's the reason why you recognize her from the start,and then,you couldn't later on."
The voice continued further. "You're not sure,whether you can take her as your best friend,or not.She gives you that warm fuzzy feeling,and you enjoy it.But do you really want her as your friend?You have to make up your mind.Then will you know for certain,where she stands,how she looks like,and how you're suppose to treat her.Your uncertainty,hides her identity to you.Remember the wall?She caused it,but you overcame it.She was also your best friend."
"Therefore,what I'm telling you is,there are 3 possibilities.She can be a 'wall' that will continue to haunt you,until you decide to push it aside.She can also be your best friend.Or,you can take a 3rd path,covered with its fair share of uncertainty.After all,if you recall,the future is uncertain.Anything can happen.Who knows what might happen?This 3rd path,I can't say for sure what you'll go through,but what I can say is,if this is the path you decide to choose,this is your future,and it messes with you,for all you know,you could end up hitting another brick wall."
"I also forgot to mention,there are no guarantees.If you do decide to choose this path,time is the deciding factor.Goodness knows what will happen,or how long before it breaks you,or makes you,but if you have decided,its a risk that you're gonna have to take.Farewell"
As I sat there,contemplating all that has happened,what has been said,it revealed,that the voice was actually the voice of my mind.I put 1 foot into the 3rd path,still not sure where to go.Another decision to make,and this,could be life changing...
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Just received some very disturbing news,and it crushed whatever mood I had left.Just not pleased with what I heard.It has totally changed my view and perspective about life and myself.I don't blame anyone.I really don't.I don't my parents,or even God.Its just that,after hearing the news,I've become so devastated,that I've begun to really start losing my self-worth.
I just feel that,in the current circumstances that I'm in,life's never gonna be easy.I just feel like,so helpless.I feel like I can never be good enough for anyone,except God.I can never be good enough,given my current situation.I'm just so fed up.This kind of situation can't be helped.I just know I'll be patronized.
I wanted my 'essay' above,but I just couldn't bear to do it,cause it took me 1 and a half hours to do it,and my posts are like masterpieces to me.Though the above is now not relevant,I didn't wanna delete it.I just feel that,I don't think I'll be able to run this time.Its a fact.
Something inside me tells me,that I can change all that.I shape my own destiny,and because God is in control of my future,I'll shape it with Him.I know that I might have a chance to change the way my life is,but whether its His will or not,is another thing.In fact,I've questioned Him.Why must it be like this?But I know,its an honour to serve Him.Yet,I somehow wished that it didn't have to be like this.I just feel so low now,that I'll never be good enough for anyone,especially people with expectations.
I just don't have the resources to deal with this kind of stuff anymore.Never really cared last time,but now,I just feel,that if I can't do it right,then I might as well not go on this way.I just wish for a normal life sometimes,or at least a simple wish,that it'll be better.I can only pray,and hope....
-Matt-