Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Sleepy.Tired.My eyes feel like closing up.And I feel so lifeless.Another day of college.The lack of sleep ain't gonna do me much good.Bother.I don't believe it,but yesterday,had a dream for the 4th time.Felt funny,cause I had like a 4 month break from the previous 1.Now,it came back.What has it got to do with me anymore?I shouldn't even have dreamt it.Darn it.My sub-conscious mind is playing games with me.
Still feeling extremely drained out.Hopefully I'll be better today.Wished my life wasn't that complicated.What started out as something simple and innocent,as turned my life upside down.Wasting my time even thinking of it.Just causes my head to whirl even more.I need an outlet.Gotta let all this crap out.Drats.
Struggling just to get through day by day.Maybe after next week,I'll be fine.With the upcoming final piano exam,its gonna kill me.I'm terrified.There's a possibility that I might fail,due to my lack of diligent practise and effort to even wanna practise.Was so tired yesterday,that I came back,and just went online,played guitar,and lazed around.Bummer.I'm becoming lazy.
Gotta do so many things this week.Reprint the songs,organize stuff,go college,face up to stress,carry burdens that I wanna throw away,and not to mention finding the time to practise for the stupid exam.Sigh...And the lecturers were talking about our final exams already.1st day of the new semester and they're talking about whats coming out for the finals,which is 3 months away.What are they trying to do?Intimidate us?Stress us up?
I've had enough.Still drained out and can't think straight.Bother.I need to go out.Must find the time,and 'kaki' to go watch Click.I need to release all the stress bottled up.Problems problems problems!Bleah.I need a breakthrough.Need something good to happen.Need a change of scenary.Well,its gonna be 1 long week ahead.Wished someone would call. =(
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Woke up,going into that state of deep thought.It happened,again.After scrolling through some stuff online,I just realized,that I may be way out of my league.It just never occured to me,that I would feel this way,but can you blame me for being insecure?
The fact of the matter is,we live in 2 different worlds apart.You have yours,and I have mine.I can't help but think about a statement I heard not too long ago."We must create a world of our own,a combination of yours,and mine."It was a simple statement,but yet carried such meaning.
However,I've realized that I never could build a combination of your world,and mine.I don't see it happening in the near future.Its just hard to imagine how our 2 vastly different worlds can integrate,combine and just mold into a single world.I don't really think I could do it,without you doing your part.
Come to think of it,you're to caught up in your world,that I may never see how it your world looks like.Its just that,I may never get to see the possibility of creating a world of our own.I'm just so lost,cause I don't know if just hanging on would do me any good.Of course I would want to,but then again,is it gonna be worth any wait?
I just have this pre-conceived idea that you're always be 1 standard above me.The same idea that has been in my mind,that I'm never good enough for you.Its sad,but until you can convince me that I'm worth anything,its gonna stay like that.I don't think you're even gonna consider that.
Therefore,I have this inferior factor.Its blended in so well,that its become a part of me.Its become my personality,my character.It has become me.I myself am unable to convince myself that I'm worth anything to you.Only you can,but sadly,we're not even gonna reach that point.
Sure the future is uncertain.Sure anything can happen.I've heard that before.During the process,or the present,if you wanna call it that way,its hard to say what might happen as well.Where'd my self-confidence go?Where is that side of me,who can take on anything in the world?
Its slowly withering,disappearing from sight.I don't even know the person who I look into the mirror anymore.Its like a disfigured self-image.Maybe I'm really not good enough.I know where I stand,and waiting seems to be in vain,but at the end of the designated time,will I still be the same way I am today?
Time's slowly killing me.Just being able to watch from afar and never go near,it sucks.Live with it,is all I can do.I'm helpless to do anything much in my situation.With literally no hope whatsoever,its quite futile to wait and spectate.I can't deny the fact that its what I wanna do as well.
I'm just sitting here everyday,helpless.I sometimes don't know why I'm where I am today.I can turn back,and walk away,but no,I stick to my guns.I have no idea why.Do you think anything will change in the future?Its so uncertain.I can't do anything,but just watch in despair.Need I say more?I'll wait for you...
Do I make you proud by Taylor Hicks
I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall
My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning
[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved
[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?
-Matt-