Thursday, August 31, 2006
Crap.I've been tagged.Its all Linda's fault =P! I now know what it really feels to long for someone.A sensation that can't be satisfied,but by its source.Enjoying 1's company,loving every moment of it,feeling like cloud 9,and being on the top of the world,is when we miss someone,a feeling so great,it can hardly be described. Its just a feeling that kinda kills you slowly.Don't know how it feels?Try this!Next time you cut yourself,and you find yourself bleeding from a wound,squeeze some lime,rub it on the wound,and then,you'll truly understand what it means to miss someone. Its hardly enjoyable.Hmm,I think I'm just being emo I guess.Sigh,missing you badly.Maybe I'm being a bit selfish.Why have dinner out when you can eat in?Haha.Alright,I'll quit being selfish.I just hate missing you,and I can't do anything about it,but sit here and hope.
TAGGED!
6 Random Facts About Me!
1.I love being in the spotlight,to stand out!Attention seeker! Haha!
2.I love playing instruments; Drums,Bass,Guitar,and Piano.
3.I'll die without my handphone,and the internet.Can't live without it!Haha.
4.I treasure friends.There's nothing better than going out with the company of my friends.
5.I'm not that good-looking,and recently,I've found out,I'm a jerk.Its sad I know! =(
6.I have only 1 baby,and I love her with all my heart.She means the world to me! =)
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Pressure's building up.Tension's rise higher.And stress become an all too familiar foe to remember.2 more days to H.Y.P.E. and I'm starting to get a bit nervous.Looks like I've been given a new job.I gotta be the emcee for the concert as well.Had our sorta real final practise.Probably gonna have 1 more on Saturday.
Kinda tiring.I'm really worn out.Bushed out.Well,all the preparations for 1 night.This is gonna be big.I hope all you peeps who I've invited can make it.Support meh,even if my voice sucks!Haha!Hmm...I'm really tired.Need to get some rest,take a short nap.Not to mention I've got my accounts homework to do,and the stupid script to finish off.Assignments!What a bother!
Its kinda exciting though,as it all builds up to that moment.The adrenaline rush of it all,just gives me the thrill.Just gotta keep praying that everything goes out right.Well,2 more days peeps,and then,you get to see the best concert thats ever rocked Section 19 and beyond.Wanna know more?Leave me a tagline!Or message me on friendster or msn.
Oh,I almost forgot 1 more important thing!Happy 49th Independance Day Malaysia!Eventhough I don't show my love for you much,haha,but I love Malaysia!Proud to be a Malaysian,though I missed all the fireworks and whatever countdown they had yesterday night.Sigh...Sadz.
Well,the only highlight of the day was getting to see someone that I've been wanting to see.Nyeh!3 days is a long time to wait.Can you imagine if I only saw you once a week?Argh!Pain!Can't take it!Too long to wait.I miss you baby!Sigh...Need to see you more.Hahaha!Well,nothing much I can do about it,can I?
Well,its gonna be an exciting week! H.Y.P.E. Concert 06! Trailblazers are gonna rock the concert!Be there,or beware! Don't miss it! SEPT 2ND! 6.30PM! FREE ADMISSION! HCC,SECTION 19! ALTERED FREQUENCY FEATURING NARROWAY. TRAILBLAZERS INCLUDED! =P Peace out peeps!
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-Matt-
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Been through 2 days of pure suffering and torture.Still can't really forgive myself for what I did,but after seeing how things are,I know that we'll never be the same again.Its just hard,cause I don't hurt peeps.I just can't live with myself.When we were close,your company was much appreciated,and attention much loved,but I guess,it'll never be that way again.
After all,you want it that way.Been haunted by my guilt and my tendency to worry,sucks.Especially the 1st night,where the pain and agony was simply tremendous.But after making my decision,I don't regret.There ain't no room for regrets.Life's just too short for regrets.Just the consequences that are killing me.
My baby's been tremendous.You've helped me out,and you've been there for me,all the time.You've been great.Lets hope we can keep this up.Love you so much.If we keep this up,I'll be able to forget my guilt soon,hopefully.Still think I'll regret?Never!Not with you by my side.I'm still sorry for what I did though.Could never have seen this coming.
Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day,not to mention tonight as well.Got homework to do,plus assignments,responsibilities to see out,and peeps to call and confirm stuff and all.I hope you'll be able to go out tomorrow sweetie.
Last practise,and then,its H.Y.P.E. Concert 06!Gonna be a blast!Everyone's all hyped up for the concert,and so far,so good.Just hope all my buddy's who I've invited will be able to make it.Support peeps,support!Thats all I'm asking for.Even if you don't wanna hear me sing(Its not that my voice sucks or anything),at least go there to support me!
Today's the eve for Independance Day.Just heard that Sam's going to Ikano to countdown with Shuenz.How romantic!Sad.I wanna go out to countdown with you also can't.Guess I'll call you at 12?Hahaha...Well,guess there's nothing much to talk about.Will blog again later if I have to.
Learning to let go of my guilt.Help me baby!Need you to hold my hand and bring me through this.Need you so bad now!Miss you badly.
-Matt-
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Dear KR,
No words can sum up or even justify what I did to you.I know saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean a thing to you,but I really am sorry for what I did to you.I don't know how else I can say it to you.I've dragged you into a mess,and its all my fault.I wouldn't have expected things to turn out this way either.
I know you said you'll support me in whatever decision I make,but somehow or rather,I knew if I hurt you,that wouldn't be the case.Don't pretend that everything's okay,cause I know its not.I felt like a real jerk and an idiot yesterday.To be honest,I've never felt so bad in my life.Its cause its just not me.I don't wanna hurt anyone.
The decision I made yesterday,was a really tough decision.All the more so after what you told me in the evening.My guilt haunted me for the rest of the night,and still is haunting me.You can't pretend and tell me that you're okay,cause I know you well enough.You just can't be okay in this kinda situation.
I was so worried yesterday,that I didn't wanna tell you at 1st,but since I said that I would,I did.I thought telling you the truth would be the best.You really broke my heart when you said,that we shouldn't be close anymore.When I asked you whether we could still be good friends,you said "I dunno," which I guess,I can't blame you.Even I would have answered that if I were in your situation.
However,you were my best friend,and whether you see it differently or not,I'll never look at you differently.To me,you remain my best friend.You might even hate me now,and might never wanna talk to me again.You might think that we can't really be as close as we were before,and if you have your stand,then I guess there's nothing I can do.
I'm really gonna miss those times we had together,talking online,smsing,and even calling.I believe,you were 1 of the best friends,I could ever have in my life.I'm just sorry that its all gonna end just because I dragged you into this.I've behaved worse than a jerk,even worse than D*****.Would you believe me if I said,I never meant to hurt you in any way?
I lost 2 and a half hours of sleep yesterday,just cause I kept thinking about how sad you'll be.I even broke down in tears,thinking how badly I've hurt you.Its a really bad feeling,but I can't help it.I think too much?Definitely! I guess I'm just not used to hurting people,and I never wanna hurt anyone again.
I didn't give you a wake up call this morning,cause I thought that,you wanted some time away from me,after what I've done.I just wanna say,our friendship means the world to me,and if you wanna call it quits,I understand.I guess nothing I say,can ever justify my actions towards you.I'm just sorry I couldn't see the future,or I would have been able to avert hurting you.
You asked me to follow my heart,and I did.This is what my heart wants.If you never find it in your heart,to forgive me,I totally understand.I just want you to know,that whatever I said or did,was sincere.I meant every word I said.Its just that,it took me a long time,to really figure out,what I want.After much consideration,and giving it really careful thought,this is what turned out.
You may never forgive me,ever.I just want you to know,that I'll be here,once your best friend,but now,only a friend to you,because thats the way you want it to be.If this is goodbye,I wish you all the best in your life,and in your studies.Friends forever,thats what I think of us.Whether you believe in forever or not,this is what I think.I'll never forget you or the moments we've had together.Never!
Take care.Goodbye.
-Matt-
Monday, August 28, 2006
Its a Monday.Another new week.Hmm,my voice sounds rather gruffy.Probably due to the practise yesterday.Sigh,lacking the proper skill to sing properly.Guess I'm screaming more than I'm singing.Need to work it out.Hmm,its getting rather tiring.Taking a toll on me.Everything went smoothly yesterday in church.Nothing much happened.
Woke up with a rather confused mind,again.More confused than I ever was.I guess I can't deny it.I'm still torn.I can't believe it.I think I need to take the most drastic measure and decision possible.I really need to make the 1st move.Guess after reading her blog this morning,maybe I should stop thinking this way.I guess nothing is gonna come out of this.
My head! =( I can't handle it.This is too much pressure and stress.Eventhough I set a dateline last week while in PD,no moves were made,nor were any opportunities that was given taken.I know setting a time on this kinda stuff doesn't really work,but can you blame me?I can't just sit down and wait.Why did you have to bring this feelings back again if you're not gonna do anything??Damn it!!
I'm really sorry to someone else as well.I know you're gonna be reading this,but my mind's really confused now.Remember how I told you that if nothing came out of the trip,I'll know what to do.I'm so sorry,but,all the conversations I had told me otherwise,and convinced my heart so readily.I'm sorry dear.It looks like I still have not made up my mind either.I thought I had already,but it looks like I was totally wrong.I guess that makes the 2 of us.
But maybe,now its quite clear.Seems like I was really waiting in vain after all.I'm sorry.It'll take some time.I really wanna be true to you,but my heart is being seriously naive.Its going the opposite way.I guess it'll take time to be really true to what I feel.I can't believe I'm in this situation.Damn it damn it damn it!!
I was really sincere,but I can't take it anymore.Something's gotta give tonight.I'm gonna make a move either way.Darn it.This post sounds so emo!Argh,I hate myself!!I really ain't gonna sit down anymore.I can go either way.Seems like I'm heading more towards an unknown destination.I don't know.I just get so discouraged with what I read.
I know I'm on to something with you.I just know it.But yet,because of past memories,my heart is still more inclined towards her.Damn it!I can't even believe I'm posting this.I just gotta get this out of my system.I've been sincere.I know what I'm doing everytime I smsed you.I really do.I've meant everything I said.Its just that,my heart is playing a game on me.I'm gonna sort this thing out as soon as possible.
I'm revealing my weaknesses on my blog.Oh crap.I'm going nuts.I can't handle it.Why me? =( Bulldozing my way through it didn't work I guess.It was suppose to be a single path from then on,but it seems like,I've created another crosspath for me.Thus,the tough decision and the confusion that is running amok in my mind.I don't even recognize myself anymore.
Its really now or never.Its A,or B.My heart's still torn into pieces.Knowing my history,I shouldn't even be thinking twice,but I am.Shows I'm just a weakling,falling victim to my emoness.Taken advantage of,by its venemous sting.Its gonna be 1,or the other.I gotta make up my mind and make a move,or I'm gonna mess up my life again.I'm gonna solve this mess tonight.I ain't gonna wait anymore.Just hang in there dear,for me.
Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't
When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
[Chorus:]
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day
It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't
Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...
[Chorus:]
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...
Tomorrow it may change [4x]
-Matt-
Sunday, August 27, 2006
If waiting was a game,I'd be the biggest loser for sure.As hard as it may be,waiting is an essential part of life.Patience is a virtue.Just that,waiting sometimes leaves me with a whole load of uncertainty.Well,if waiting gives you the ultimate prize,wouldn't you want to wait?Its not easy,but it'll be worth it all.
For me,time is a game.Depends on how well you play it,and the deck of cards that you've been given.Hmm,been giving it alot of thought lately.Always wondered,what it would be like if I didn't have to wait everytime I wanted something.It would be pure ecstacy,cloud 9,7th heaven.Whatever you wanna call it.Guess everything has its own timing.
Meanwhile,I've learnt to enjoy the process.Getting to know a person more and more is indeed a process,but enjoyable nonetheless.Seems agonizingly long,like eternity,but well,with great rewards to be reaped,I'll take my chances.I must say,time has a liking for slowing things down.In our day and age of modern technology,everything must be instant,even matters like this.
Pushing myself through the boundaries,its not my 1st time venturing here.Been there,done that.I've been here before some time back.Just a different scenario.Shoot myself in the arm,and refuse to treat the wound.No matter.I'm young.I can spare the extra time.Meanwhile,I'll just enjoy the process,and keep myself contented.Time...
Self-torture.
-Matt-
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Defeat is what pulls you down,slaps you in the face,punches you in the belly,sends a note out to your brain,and teaches you a good lesson.Won't really consider it a defeat,but I guess,I've learned more about myself and other people.I guess I decided to end it 1 day earlier.Observation was tiring.
Even waiting,was really killing me.I guess some thing's in life aren't just meant to be.My decision has definitely been made up,though suddenly,my plan for the not-so-distant future has been dented,and probably won't be fixed,depending on what happens next.All that fiddling,observing,and waiting was in vain I guess.
Had a lot of time to think in PD,and observe.Guess I know what to do now.After all,I've been lenient enough,been nice enough,even been patient enough,but well,I guess there's no point in that.Decision day was even pushed forward to yesterday,but I decided,24 hours more couldn't hurt.So I waited till 3 days were over.
Well,opportunities are given,and taken.Have given out quite a lot in the past few days while my mind was making up its decision,and since they weren't taken,I guess I laboured in vain,and pushed my imagination too far.Well,it is a relief to get this weight off my shoulders.Its just a part of my life which has a never-ending saga,till a decision is made.
Was in a bad mood,particularly yesterday night.I just couldn't think straight.My plan for the not-so-distant future hit another dead-end.Depending on how things go for the next couple of days,I might have to call it off.Leaves me totally without a plan,and I guess,I'll be able to push this aside and concentrate on more important things.Reconstruct a new plan maybe?
Quite frustrated to be honest,but well,life has its fair share of victories and defeat.They both come hand in hand and are part and parcel of life.Sure victory is sweet,but defeat helps us to build character and brings us 1 step closer to understanding our weaknesses and downfalls.I guess I already know my weakness.Just gotta work on it.
If the not-so-distant future seems to be bleak,I guess,then I'll really be able to mold and reconstruct myself towards being a better person.Sigh,wished I could just get my life straight,know what's gonna happen,and work towards it.If not,I'll just take another path in 1 of life's crosspaths.
I guess doing all that thinking while I was having my holiday helped cleared my mind as well.I know what I want.Sadly,what I want doesn't really mean I'll be able to achieve it.Sigh,my head's still pretty much in a mess,only,less messier.With literally nothing at all,yesterday,I felt really down.I just looked at the circumstances,and allowed it to overtake me.
Yeah,I shouldn't,but I just had to.God knows what He has for me.In the mean time,I just gotta work with what I have,and what I don't have.Things don't always work the way we like it,but then again,if it did,do we need God?Thats why He's a genius.I love Him,and I know when everyone else arounds me fades away,deserts me,pushes me away,He's the only one who loves me for the way I am.
Gotta keep telling myself,that well,He holds my future in His hands.Its been a pretty challenging week for me,especially when you think too much,it gets to ya.Just gotta trust Him.
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On another note,here are some pics I took at PD.Enjoy!
Brandon and me.
A view of the beach.
Part of the scenary when we trekked up to the lighthouse.
This tree is covered with thorns,literally,from top to bottom.
Tanjung Tuan lighthouse.
Another view of the lighthouse.
A magnificent view from the cliff.
Another view of the beach.
We trekked up to Tanjung Tuan lighthouse at 7.30.Its in Melaka.So I was in Negeri Sembilan and Melaka on that same day.Thats the thing that was cool.The food was excellent throughout.Thats about it,I guess.Not in the mood to talk about this,as you can plainly see.
Managed to drive back all the way from PD.Its a good feeling,to drive on a highway.Different from the normal roads I usually take.Get to drive faster than my usual speed.Got to catch up with Brandon,especially about Maple.Sigh,well,guess thats about it.Don't feel like going any further.
-Matt-
PS: H.Y.P.E. Concert is next Saturday.6.30pm.Harvest Community Church,Section 19.Message me for details.
H.Y.P.E. T-shirts are out! RM20 only! Get them while stocks last. =P
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
@#$%@#$@!!! Thats all I can say.I hope my self-control will hold me back.I'm having a real war with it.Its the friggin side of me that just wanna blow up.So pissed.My whole day's ruined.I hate this,I hate this!Why did I have to be like that? @#$%!#%@!!
So terribly disappointed in myself.I'm so sad.Got nothing to say.I screwed up my piano practical exam.What's there to say?I'm so worried now that I won't pass,what more get a merit,or a distinction.Argh.Ruined,ruined!In shambles.I wanted to cry.
I've never felt disappointed in myself this badly before.My mood's totally ruined today.Just before the PD trip as well.How stupid can this get?I can't think straight.Tomorrow,the 4 days period starts.Its just days away before I make that all important decision.
Gotta clear this outta my system.Peeps kept telling me its over,so relax and forget about it,but the truth is,I can't.This is my final piano exam,and if I don't pass,I'll seriously breakdown and cry.There's no way I'm gonna go for another year just to pass the exam.This is it!Must pass.If I don't,it'll be a waste,cause there's no way I'm going to resit that piano exam.
I'm so not in the mood to do anything.I'm sorry.I've let you down.Really.You've been really sweet.Wished me good luck and all.Called me up just before my exam to wish me good luck.Thanks.Appreciate it lots.I was in such a bad mood after the exam.Wanted to sms you,but was in a bad mood.You smsed anyway after my exam,and tried to cheer me up.Thanks,but I really can't.I'm sorry.I'm still so worried.
Well,somehow,I know its gonna be a rough week.Gotta make a big decision,gotta do this,gotta do that.Sigh...This 4 days will determine where I'll be heading.Its a crucial time.Just to observe,and to see what's gonna happen.I'm too young for this.I'm only 18.Too many trials and tribulations.Argh!!Why me??
4 days of observation.3 days of pleasure.2 whole days of food,food and food.And 1 crucial outcome,and then finally,decision time.Major mess.This is it.Its now or never.Just like a runner,focused on his goal,the finishing line,the medal that awaits him,so am I,focused,determining which path my life will take a turn for,looking forward,to what unfolds next.
Everything is channeled to this.All my energy,my thoughts,my focus,and we'll see,what happens next.Its a matter of time,but I ain't gonna play by the rules.As the dateline reaches nearer and nearer,I stand,ever so close,to that point of my life,where everything,hangs in the balance.Pushing towards the goal,my motivation,is unknown.Where such energy came from,I do not know.1 thing's for sure,this time,my decision stands.
God help me,even as I go through this phase of life.This is major.The rest,I leave it in your hands.I don't have to do much to make up my mind.Just gonna wait.Its gonna be 1 heck of a week.Out of the fire,and into the frying pan.The time begins now!
PD,here I come.
-Matt-
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Tagged! (again...)
Instructions:Name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 10 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative; try not to use things that someone else has already used.(In no particular order)
1.Football,football,and football.
2.Bowling.
3.Hanging out with peeps.
4.SMSing.
5.Blogging.
6.Eye-candy?(Those of you who understand me,you're smart!)
7.Chatting online.
8.Driving.(More like speeding...=P)
9.Eating.
10.Going to church!
As long as you're reading this,you're tagged,whoever you are.
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Ever had the feeling you've got a big decision on your hands,and you have no idea what to do cause your mind's in a mess?Divided by 2 choices,I'm baffled as to what to do now.Its crazy.You won't believe what's going through my head now.I can't concentrate even when I'm practising my piano.I'm losing my focus,and tomorrow's the stupid exam.Doom's day!!
For the 1st time in my life,I can't decide for myself what to do next.Time isn't that kind to me either.Its playing around with me.I know,I'm running out of time.What should I do?Argh.I can't decide.Following my heart ain't no use.Its undecided as well.The issues of the heart,can be terribly tiring at times.
My mind's totally useless when it comes to stuff like this.All the emo stuff belongs to my heart's department.I wish someone would knock me out and make the decision for me.Though I know 1 thing's for sure.With the kind of time remaining,a decision is imminent.It has to be made within this few days.Probably by the end of this week.
After my wretched exam,then I can concentrate on what to do next.I don't care.I can't stay uncertain this way.I must know what I want.Yet,its a 2 sided thing.I can't make this decision on my own.Damn it!Why must my life be so complicated?I'm only 18 for crying out loud.Oh crap.This is tough again.
Consequences are always there.I don't wanna face them for possibly making a wrong choice.Well,I know how devastating the consequences can be.I know it too well,but I'm not gonna allow it to overwhelm me,and sit on me.Its time,to make a decision.After the stupid piano exam tomorrow,I guess 4 days will be enough.
Shoot.My head!Man,if this doesn't kill,I don't know what will.Sigh.
Dateline set: 27th August.
Its important,and it needs time,but I don't wanna stay in the state of confusion,of not knowing what I want.I'm gonna have to rush it,so I can clear my mind,and get on with what I need to do,like assignments and studies.Can't let this drag me down for the rest of the month and even onwards.Exciting isn't it?
Stressful is what I can say. *Tick tock tick tock* As the clock ticks fatefully,to that day of decision,as well as tomorrow's piano exam!Prayer is what I need.Peace out.
-Matt-
Monday, August 21, 2006
I Can Still Vividly Recall by Matt
I can still vividly recall,
The day you walked out on me,
A day,I now call 'My fall',
And it seemed that it was done with glee.
So low and depressed back then,
With more than I can hold inside,
With the deception that "I can..."
I fell apart,without putting up a fight.
Paranoid I became,day by day,
'Trust' was a word seemingly misused,
On that fateful month of May,
Damage limitation,was all I could do to stop the blood that oozed.
Without a spark of hope,
I lost my sanity,
I heard you gloat,
As I now faced a massive calamity.
Trekking my way back uphill,
Seemed like a task impossible to achieve,
It was hard,with a big gap inside no one could fill,
Then came a voice,whispering, "Just believe."
After what seemed like eternity,
I made it to the peak of the hill,
I had conquered what seemed like insanity,
And was before,on the verge to yield.
Faced with the past,
Even to the point of being haunted,
I don't wanna ever end up last,
In life's race,and be taunted.
To say the least,
I face a dillema ahead of me,
And ignorance is definitely not bliss,
Only I hold the key.
Or maybe not,
Cause in the end,after a battle has been fought,
Me winning or losing,is not in my hands,
Its all in your hands,as fit for you to see it made amends.
I do not know what or why this happens,
It could be,my world darkens,
Yet,I really don't wanna fall,
Not again,because...
I can still vividly recall.
-Matt-
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I'm being patronized again.I just know it.Everyone treats me like trash,especially yesterday.I'm just an annoying jerk who gets in everybody's face,or at least it seems that way.It seems like everyone hates me.I'm not a good example.I'm just a loser,a nobody.Whatever I do falls into oblivion.A disaster in the making.
Ever reached a point where you wonder what's a loser like you doing on this planet?How God can even think of using you and forgiving whatever sins you've done in the past?Yeah,I've reached that point.I'm wondering if I really have any purpose here on earth.Since everyone looks down on me,how can I be of service to God?
I know He'll use me somehow,but I just feel not worthy.I'm a useless friend,not a good leader,and give bad impressions about my parents.I've reached the point,where I've questioned Him,whether He can take me back home.I'm sick and tired of living life.I don't wanna be the scapegoat anymore.I don't wanna be the extra burdens that everyone related to me has to carry.
I don't wanna cause problems for other people and get them into trouble.I just wished that I can go back home.I don't wanna be in people's way.Still wondering what to do.I'm just a side act.When I'm needed,then I'll be remembered,and when I'm not,I'm chucked aside,left on the shelve,to collect rust and what not's.
I don't get it.I really don't.What did I ever do to you people?Have I not been nice enough?Being nice doesn't pay?Maybe I should consider my secondary option,which has crossed my mind a thousand times.Try being mean?Never really worked though.I can't even put myself into that kinda position.What rottenness!
Today's Sunday.Am I gonna be patronized now because of what happened?I so don't know what to do.Gotta just chuck this aside,wear that 'everything's okay' mask,and just put it aside.How I'm gonna face up to it,only God knows.Just 1 of those days...
----------------------------------------------------
Just reached back from church.If its a crime feeling low,then I'm guilty.Facing a dilemma.Seemed that my parents never really approved of my ear stud,and today,I got a sorta advice from the speaker.Its really complicated.My life's taken a turn again.His message was really good,and it spoke to me,but,now,I don't know what to do.
Told me that it should never appear on my ear again and stuff.I'm really torn into 2.I guess maybe I'm insecure.I have this feeling that I don't look good enough,that I look like shit?Thats why I wear it,I guess.Well,I've lost my confidence for a long time already.Don't know.Maybe I'll have to stop wearing it?
He kept telling me that I'm setting a bad impression for the other youths.Maybe he's right.This all the more confirms what I've said earlier.Feel like a loser,a nobody.Always can't do things right.I make my parents look as if they didn't teach me and educate me properly.
This endless feeling of uselessness and stuff,really tiring.I really wanna go home.My best friends seemed to have deserted me.I don't blame them either.Don't deserve it at all.Self-patronizing also has become a habit.Life without friends,can be really lonely,and not to mention,makes life not worth living.
Dear Daddy up above,I really hope you'll take me home.I miss Your presence,cause thats the only time I don't feel lonely.Its then that I experience your wonderful companionship.I miss you so.I wished I understood why all this happened to me.Without a clue.
I'm just following the flow of time,wherever it leads me.Looks like I'm heading for self-destruction...
-Matt-
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Just feeling not right.Bewildered,confused.My mind's playing games again.I remember so vividly how this felt.Its that constant tagging at my heart.Its killing me.The pain is unbearable.I hold it in me,with no one to help me bear the burden.Its just so heavy,terribly overwhelming.I feel crushed.
Surrounded by my world of insecurity,I'm lacking that feeling of feeling secure,comforted, and loved.A thorn in the flesh,unwilling to release its venom from me.Destroying my capacity to think straight,I'm just a mindless slave,doing its bidding,without a will of my own,entangled in its tentacles that wraps itself around me.
Trapped in its lure,I'm unable to free myself,not by my own power anyway.Pushed to the limits at instances,I'm losing my sanity.Wearing a mask to hide its effects,and the toll it has taken on me,I'm unable to show myself for what I truly am.Afraid that 1 day,I'll no longer be able to be myself,and that of another person.
Until today,the source of my entanglement has yet to be revealed.I'm clueless as to why I'm caught in this,and why I'm fighting a war that I shouldn't be fighting.Trapped in a ghetto of heights beyond my reach,with no means to escape,damage limitation is all I can afford.I've resigned myself to facing this alone.
Its here that I stand,longing for that something extra,that something different,that something extraordinary.You may call this hope,but I call it,a wish,with near zero possibility.Its not wrong to make wishes is it?My definition of a wish,is a hope,that has almost no chance of coming true,and therefore,a wish,is hoping against hope,that it might come true.
Plagued by this kind of circumstances,I can just face it,and hope it'll damage me to the point of no recognition.There's nothing I can do.Just face it,and let time do the torturing.They say time kills the pain,but I feel otherwise.Weaponless,and unprepared,I stand here,facing this massive period,of solitude,as I suffer,in silence...
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Just gonna summarize what happened yesterday,as I'm in no mood whatsoever.After Healing Rally,we went off to Chris place,picked Barney and Phoebe,and went touring KL.As the coffeeshop only opens at 1am,we toured,looking for a place to chill,but unfortunately,we couldn't seem to find a place that was open at that kinda time.
It was history created,for I've never been allowed out of the house at that kinda time.Went touring around KL,before reaching the place at 1am.Had Nasi Kerabu,and the roti canai was the best I've ever tasted.It was excellent.I felt the true meaning,of being an 18 year old yesterday night.Thanks Chris for the wonderful supper,as well as the tour around KL.
Twin Towers,if you can spot it.
A better view of the twin towers.
Nasi Kerabu.Rather delicious.
And the amazingly delicious roti canai.
L-R:Barney,Eu Jin,Phoebe,and Chris.(Plus Linda and me,not in the pic)
Yeap.Thats about it.Reached home at about 2.40am.Hopefully Linda didn't get any sort of punishment for being late.Peace out.
-Matt-
Friday, August 18, 2006
Argh.I've been tagged.Gotta list 7 songs of any genre that I really enjoy now.Bleah.Alright alright.I'll do it.
1. Everywhere by Michelle Branch(I know its old,but I like it.Sue me. =P)
2. Goodbye for Now by P.O.D.
3. I'm not Okay(I Promise) by My Chemical Romance
4. Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy
5. Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy
6. A Little Less Sixteen Candles,A Little More Touch by Fall Out Boy
7. I Don't Wanna Know by Mario Winans(Featuring P Diddy)
Done.I don't know who to tag,cause I don't think my blog's so popular.No one ever reads it.So I won't bother.Whoever reads this,you're tagged.Hahaha!The last song isn't what I enjoy,but I still like it anyway.Just listen to it occasionally.Didn't know what to put.Lolz...As you can see,I'm an avid Fall Out Boy fan.So yeah.Love em.Rock on!
-Matt-
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Whats this I'm feeling?Insecurity?No wait,it can't be.Delving deeper,I became fed up,tired,and without wanting to go through the same thing again.It was all too routine.Everyday's the same day.The same thing happens to me over and over again.Even starting to accept it just as it comes by.Whats happening to me?
To live without a care in the world,is a luxury that only kids can afford to have.How I miss those days.There was nothing to worry about.Even offending people wasn't a big thing,as people would look on and not take it to heart,knowing that kids are being kids.Everything was provided.There was no earthly lust for things that we could not obtain.
Ignorance is bliss.Indeed,it is,but nowadays,I question this statement too often.As far as I know it,there's no such thing as bliss when it comes to ignorance.It looked more like ignorance is idiotic.This is the 3rd day in a row,and I'm still feeling that weight upon my shoulders.Gotta get it off somehow.But how?If there's no way,look to time,but time has always played me like a fool.
Never in my wildest dreams would I have reverted to this.My perspective changed so suddenly.I know that if I don't change this viewpoint,its gonna hurt me back.Life can't get any more complex than this.Added with the inferior complexity and the insecurity factor,you've got a disaster in your hands,a crisis.
I require major time off.Just need to put those bits and pieces together,and chuck it aside.Its gonna be hard work.My mind's a mess,and this could take time,again.Thinking straight now is an impossible task.Thinking rasionally,sounds extremely stupid.Trying to move into the path that I was in before this.
Too many decisions,too many problems,too many crosspaths,too many uncertainties,too many realities to face up to,too much unnecessary stress,too much stupidity in the air,and so many wounds to attend to.Striving forward seems a wee bit to hard.Pressure seems to be everywhere I go.Gone were the days of living life the way it should be.
I've strayed too far from where I should be,bringing me to a byway,where I've never travelled before.Its so small,and taking it would mean facing possible challenging tasks straight up ahead,or even nothing at all,leading to a total dead end.Why would I even consider this path?Cause I've reached a dead end before.I definitely don't wanna reach another.
Waiting can be so torturing.It kills just to leave it all into the hands of another,as well as time.Waiting was never my thing,but I've learned to be patient at times.Trials and testings come too often,and I can't afford to be impatient.Its just that,the future's been cast into doubt.The question remains avoided.
The topic suggests waiting for another long period of time.Its not that I can't,but,everyday,is like another day,before I can finally reach the destination that will decide it all.Whether or not its gonna be a bright future,or a bleak 1 remains to be seen.Its a risk everyone takes in life.Life treats me viciously,giving me too many things to wait for.
My patience truly is being tested to its limit.How far it'll go,only time will tell.Keeping it in seems the hardest task at hand.It could take even longer than I anticipate.The current timeframe seems all too short.It'll probably carry on even further.Its no surprise that I'm starting to feel tired.Only sheer willpower and commitment will keep me through.
Looking straight ahead,this time,I don't see any light up ahead.The tunnel it seemed,had no ending,but there is.However,it seems to be an exceedingly narrow and small tunnel.It does indeed cover a rather long distance,and only walking through it,as time goes by,will I know whether its an ending,or a dead end.Only time will tell.
Patience is all I need.How long I'll last,I'm not sure.How long I'll be able to keep this up,I'm uncertain either.This will be the ultimate test of patience indeed.Without a doubt,everything is on the line.Its all in your hands,whether you like it,or not.Time goes by,as second by second,ticks by,I can only watch,and wait.
Day by day,time goes,all too slowly...
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Hmm,today didn't turned out that bad after all,though I still think its kinda routine-ish.Well,it was different in the sense,that I got my 1st semester exam results.Well,I was rather satisfied with my results.Straight A's!Okay,so I admit,I'm rather estatic.Its a huge relieve actually,cause if I don't get straight,next year,no scholarship.
This new semester,is already rearing its ugly head.It looks rather tough already.Its like we got double our assignments and exams compared to last semester.Sigh.But well,I really thank God!He's the 1 who really helped me through.Besides my lecturers,He deserves all glory!Yeah!Thanks so much Daddy!
Yeah.And to think only 5 peeps out of 46 peeps in class got straight A's.Stiff competition man!Haha,its a great feeling.Yet,I was bullied.They wanted me to spend them all,since I got straight!Crazy!Some more can suggest Chilli's.Crazy la!Haha.Went to 1U for lunch.Ate my favourite,Chicken Rice!Yeah.Gotta love em.
Went to arcade for awhile after that.Woo,I can drift in Daytona.Wonder if I can still drift in real life,hahaha.Hehe.Was cool.Came back to college,and had Business Communication.1st day of lecture,and had to do research already.Well,thats why its getting tougher.Gotta up my standard by a notch.Competition gonna be tougher.Everyone suddenly seemed more determined to study harder.
Had football after that.Sigh.Tiring,but good.Well,been an okay day.Gotta keep reminding myself,got 2 more semesters left to go,before I move into degree year.Need consistency,to keep up the good results,and continue my scholarship. =) Gonna be challenging,but with God's grace,anything can be done.Piano exam in 6 days time.Doom's day!Pray for me!
-Matt-
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Sleepy.Tired.My eyes feel like closing up.And I feel so lifeless.Another day of college.The lack of sleep ain't gonna do me much good.Bother.I don't believe it,but yesterday,had a dream for the 4th time.Felt funny,cause I had like a 4 month break from the previous 1.Now,it came back.What has it got to do with me anymore?I shouldn't even have dreamt it.Darn it.My sub-conscious mind is playing games with me.
Still feeling extremely drained out.Hopefully I'll be better today.Wished my life wasn't that complicated.What started out as something simple and innocent,as turned my life upside down.Wasting my time even thinking of it.Just causes my head to whirl even more.I need an outlet.Gotta let all this crap out.Drats.
Struggling just to get through day by day.Maybe after next week,I'll be fine.With the upcoming final piano exam,its gonna kill me.I'm terrified.There's a possibility that I might fail,due to my lack of diligent practise and effort to even wanna practise.Was so tired yesterday,that I came back,and just went online,played guitar,and lazed around.Bummer.I'm becoming lazy.
Gotta do so many things this week.Reprint the songs,organize stuff,go college,face up to stress,carry burdens that I wanna throw away,and not to mention finding the time to practise for the stupid exam.Sigh...And the lecturers were talking about our final exams already.1st day of the new semester and they're talking about whats coming out for the finals,which is 3 months away.What are they trying to do?Intimidate us?Stress us up?
I've had enough.Still drained out and can't think straight.Bother.I need to go out.Must find the time,and 'kaki' to go watch Click.I need to release all the stress bottled up.Problems problems problems!Bleah.I need a breakthrough.Need something good to happen.Need a change of scenary.Well,its gonna be 1 long week ahead.Wished someone would call. =(
---------------------------------------------------------------
Woke up,going into that state of deep thought.It happened,again.After scrolling through some stuff online,I just realized,that I may be way out of my league.It just never occured to me,that I would feel this way,but can you blame me for being insecure?
The fact of the matter is,we live in 2 different worlds apart.You have yours,and I have mine.I can't help but think about a statement I heard not too long ago."We must create a world of our own,a combination of yours,and mine."It was a simple statement,but yet carried such meaning.
However,I've realized that I never could build a combination of your world,and mine.I don't see it happening in the near future.Its just hard to imagine how our 2 vastly different worlds can integrate,combine and just mold into a single world.I don't really think I could do it,without you doing your part.
Come to think of it,you're to caught up in your world,that I may never see how it your world looks like.Its just that,I may never get to see the possibility of creating a world of our own.I'm just so lost,cause I don't know if just hanging on would do me any good.Of course I would want to,but then again,is it gonna be worth any wait?
I just have this pre-conceived idea that you're always be 1 standard above me.The same idea that has been in my mind,that I'm never good enough for you.Its sad,but until you can convince me that I'm worth anything,its gonna stay like that.I don't think you're even gonna consider that.
Therefore,I have this inferior factor.Its blended in so well,that its become a part of me.Its become my personality,my character.It has become me.I myself am unable to convince myself that I'm worth anything to you.Only you can,but sadly,we're not even gonna reach that point.
Sure the future is uncertain.Sure anything can happen.I've heard that before.During the process,or the present,if you wanna call it that way,its hard to say what might happen as well.Where'd my self-confidence go?Where is that side of me,who can take on anything in the world?
Its slowly withering,disappearing from sight.I don't even know the person who I look into the mirror anymore.Its like a disfigured self-image.Maybe I'm really not good enough.I know where I stand,and waiting seems to be in vain,but at the end of the designated time,will I still be the same way I am today?
Time's slowly killing me.Just being able to watch from afar and never go near,it sucks.Live with it,is all I can do.I'm helpless to do anything much in my situation.With literally no hope whatsoever,its quite futile to wait and spectate.I can't deny the fact that its what I wanna do as well.
I'm just sitting here everyday,helpless.I sometimes don't know why I'm where I am today.I can turn back,and walk away,but no,I stick to my guns.I have no idea why.Do you think anything will change in the future?Its so uncertain.I can't do anything,but just watch in despair.Need I say more?I'll wait for you...
Do I make you proud by Taylor Hicks
I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall
My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning
[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved
[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?
-Matt-
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I don't know what to say.It was all too much to bear in 1 single night.I couldn't place myself in the frame of mind.I'm even lost for words,speechless.How could this all happen again?Then I realize,that I didn't put myself into another mess,but rather,circumstances did.I wished it didn't have to happen the way it did. The Bullet, and my Princess Inspired by the circumstances that hit me,and also,by you,my dearest companion. --------------------------------------------------------------- Just reached back from college.Don't you just love the 1st day of semester's?Hardly any lectures,except for econs.Was good to meet up with some peeps.Good to get back to college,and just chat and laugh.It was nice. Had lunch in 1U,again.We're having terrible dilemma's and getting headache's due to the fact that we can't decide what to eat.Finally went to Yoshinoya.Food there was excellent,though rather pricy,but then again,what is cheap in 1U?Haha...Received a phone call that really cheered me up today. Still feeling all the crap that had happened yesterday.I'm not thinking too much,just that I need time to digest.It all happened too fast.Thanks for calling.You're the sweetest companion that I can ever have,and like I said,hearing your voice a minute everyday would make my day.You definitely did. =) Had football.Been awhile since we played.Was a decent game.Ended the day with ice-cream at McD.Well,its been a tiring day,but well,its not so bad.Really miss you.Wished you'd come online now.You're getting me through life,everyday.You're just simply the best.With you,I can face anything. -Matt- PS:Sorry about my phone battery.It had to die when I was smsing you.Take care. =)
I was so distraught,so confused,and there were too much going into my head,that if I kept it in,I would have cried the whole night.I'm so dumbfounded.Its like a mixture of feelings waiting to spring out,emotions beyond any control,and most of all I'm so emotionally drained out.It was too much for me to bear.Anger,frustration,confusion,hurt,and most of all,that same feeling of insecurity came back to haunt me.
As always,you were there when I needed you.That sweet comforting voice,sounded the most loveliest thing in the world to me.I loved every minute of it,and though I wished I could hear it everyday,I can't.Just hearing your voice for a minute everyday,will give me the confidence I need to go through whatever crap life throws at me.You made it so much easier for me to take it in,and handle it.
As always,there were more to be said,but refraining from saying anything that could possibly hurt and offend a person,is the best.I know now without a shadow of a doubt,where I stand.Whatever feelings I had left,if ever there was any,has been totally wiped out.Especially that 1 statement that truly hurt me.
To my dearest *******, you've truly motivated me and spurred me on,not to mention supporting me even if you were blur when I confided in you.Once again,you've no idea how much you mean to me.Everyday,I've learned so many new things about you,and I've grown to love them with all my heart.Now,more than ever,I'm convinced about who you are to me.
I long to hear your voice again.I really am in no mood to go to college today,what more to study,but in a way,I'm glad,cause it'll keep me busy.I've been carrying the burden with me all night,and still am this morning.I just feel so heavy,holding all this inside of me.I wish you were here with me.I wish I could hear your voice.I wish,I could see you now.
My mind's working overtime,thinking about everything that I went through yesterday.I can't help but just wonder about so many different things.Spending yesterday,just talking with you,I wish I could do it everyday.Its no wonder we went from 5 minutes-20 minutes. =) Yeah,but I really miss you now.I haven't fallen into an abyss for a long time,but this time,you were at the side,holding onto my hand,and never letting go of my hand.
The 1 thing I won't forget,is your sweet voice.It'll definitely spur me on,for today,and as long as its effect will last.Its in this moments,with thoughts too overwhelming,burdens too burdensome,and helplessness beyond me,I need you here.I know you're always here for me,though whatever I confide in you means nothing to you.
For now,you're what keeps me going.All I need to do,is think about you when I'm thinking too much,about stuff that shouldn't concern me.You're my main concern now,and more than ever,I wanna say to you...
Wounded with a bullet,
Buried deep within my soul,
This pain that it brought me,
Never seemed to go away.
As hard as I try,
The agony remains within,
I lay down, unable to get up,
With no trace of energy left residing in me.
It all happened too fast,
Before I knew it, my palm was covered in blood,
Could not move, until my lovely angel pulled me up,
A princess so beautiful, it was captivating.
I just let myself be helped by this being,
Blinded by her beauty,
Captivated by her loveliness,
Hypnotized by her sweetness.
You buried a kiss on my lips,
Leaving a fragrance so sweet,
Helping me to rise again,
And to move on looking to the future.
For you're what drives me towards my future.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Clouded thoughts.Hidden secrets.Unforeseen circumstances.Unpredictabilities.Life's full of them.There's no telling what you might find around the bend.We have no ability to predict what comes next.Thats the beauty about life.We have to depend on God,cause He's the only One who holds our future.I'm just glad He's in control over everything.
At times,I still am worried whats gonna happen next,especially this year.Its been a serious major roller-coaster for me this year.Its been crazy,to say the least.Its only human to hope for a glimpse into whats next.At times,I just freak out,cause I'm caught aback by circumstances that suddenly hit me.Before I can get up and recover,another wave hits me,and I'm down on my back again.What a life!As if it couldn't get any worse,it does.
Insecurity,is definitely a problem.A past that goes way back.Ordinary friends can never really help me.Best friends can only be confided in.Yet,I've found an earthly friend,who's always been there for me,who's always cared for me,who's always been worried for me.A friend unlike any other.You know who you are.And this is dedicated to you.
From the bottom of my heart,with every ounce of gratitude and thankfulness;
THANKS!!
You have no idea,how you've helped me through.Not many people can show the kind of concern that you have shown to me,and for that,I'm eternally grateful.I guess circumstances helped out as well.You scratch my back,I'll scratch yours.You've been more than a friend to me.Chatting buddy,going out buddy and even more.Thanks loads.
So much for all that appreciation.I've strayed away from the topic,but,I guess I'm done anyway.Just gonna add that,friends are everywhere,but best friends,are the hardest to find and aquire.It is without a doubt,that we all need friends in our lives.Most importantly,we need best friends,to pick us up,and bring us through,those times when we need someone.
-Matt-
PS:I just found out that National Resurrect Romance Week starts yesterday in the States.What the heck is that?Lolz...Got such thing?
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Just reached back from church.Practise lasted until so late,but we sound good.Trailblazers,here we come.Though it was tiring,but yeah,it was good.Sunday's are the only tiring days,where I don't feel so tired,due to the fact,that I enjoy my Sunday's.It was 1 of those really nice Sunday's.Its real good to be refreshed in the presence of God.At least it made up for those past 2 days.
Still feeling that feeling of worthlessness.Still angry at what I heard a few days back.This might stick with me for a long time.I'll never forget what has been said.Its just gonna stick with me for a long time.But well,at least I'm feeling better.Linda came back to church today.Was good to see her.Relieved.Don't need to explain yourself.I'm just glad you're alright.Its been awhile.Missed talking to you. =)
Just feel really really patronized.I know I'm being looked down on.I just know that as long as people know who I am,for who I really am,then there'll always be that feeling of "Poor kid,he's such a loser,a wimp..." and the list goes on and on.They might not say it,but deep inside,I can see it in their eyes,hear it from 3rd parties,and so on.
I don't blame anyone.I just get really mad.Then again,I self-patronize as well.Who can blame me?I don't think I'm that nice after all.What it feels like,to know that someone looks down on you,but doesn't tells you.I'm gonna tell you straight in your face.I don't care.You can stop pretending to be my friend.I really don't care.If you think I'm a loser,a wimp,a jerk,a dumb ass,be that way.
Its because of people like you,who put on masks,and pretend to be nice and all,when deep inside,you think something else.I really don't care.Its all cause of you,that I feel worthless,and I've lost any sense of feeling secure.For the 1st time in my life,I feel insecure.You've scarred me for life.Now I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone.Thank God He thinks I am.I just don't know if anyone can ever make me feel that I'm good enough.Scarred!No thanks to you.I've even reached the point,where I patronize myself so badly,and degrade and look down on myself.
Just leave me alone!Enough is enough.I've had it.I'll carry this scar with me.Its a reminder,definitely.Even if I could turn back time,I don't think that would have stopped what I was told that day.It'll still turn out this way.So yeah,leave me alone.I don't care what you wanna do,just don't do it to me.I'm done.Enough said,before I cross the line,and go as low as you by degrading you further.I'm not like you.
-Matt-
Friday, August 11, 2006
Woke up to the sound of that familiar noise,ringing inside my head.With a sigh,and a small prayer from my heart,hoping that it won't be like any other day,I got up,uncertain,unprepared to face another day.I dread the feeling of having to face up to another day.It seems like I don't know where I'm headed,or what I'm doing.
Life's made a coward out of me.The once brave guy that once resided in this earthly body has considerably diminished out of sight.I no longer wanted to have anything to do with him anymore.Instead,I've developed an attitude,and that is,to run whenever I face up to such a problem again.You might have heard the saying "Once bitten,twice shy."
Here's a modified version. "Once beaten,twice shy,thrice,better go and die." I believe life's a journey,as I have always believed.A journey to be taken,with too many crossways,and bypaths,that its impossible to go through without making decisions.Decisions,are by far,the hardest requirements of life.Not knowing what lies ahead makes it even worse.Thank God that He holds my future.
Going through he same growing up pains might seem inevitable,even pure foolishness at times,but repeated mistakes,I believe,occur just because 1 has not learned from it the 1st time.Some deep thinking actually helped me realize,that I'm back to square 1.It was without a doubt,that I had ended back up at the very point where I was running from.
Disgusted with myself,I get the feeling that its pure stupidity.With a sense of melancholicness,I realize for once,I wasn't thinking straight.Running into that same brick wall that seemed all too familiar got me thinking. "I believe I'm developing some kind of a phobia." This can't be happening.I'll just face up to my problem,and thats the end of it.I'll just climb over like I did before.
But I noticed,something was amiss.This 'brick wall' seemed much smaller.It was easier to climb.With a sigh of relief,I proceeded to climb.The 1st thought that came to my mind was, "Wow,this is easier than expected." Just when I thought I've reached the peak,I tripped,fell,and I watched helplessly as my body tumbled towards the ground.
That wasn't the most nicest way to land,but who cares,I'm over it.As I tried to pick myself up,I couldn't get up.What the?I tried,over and over again.Something was definitely wrong.It was as if my body was too heavy to pick itself up.As I wondered why,I took a survey of the surroundings around me,and realize something.
WHAT THE HECK!!!
I can't believe it!As if it wasn't bad enough,tripping over the wall,I fell back instead of forward.How on earth did that happen.No way! I'm not gonna stay here.Life's too short.I tried getting up,pushing for all it was worth.I couldn't seem to pull myself up.I checked for any signs of a broken leg,or a rib,but everything was intact.
Then I realized, "Wait a minute.My body's feeling heavy,and I can't pick myself up.Its definitely not because I've broken anything." It was as if,I was on the planet Jupiter.Gravity had increased a 1000 times.Getting up would be impossible.In fact how did I survive if the gravity was so strong?Dropping an egg from waist length would cause it to be crushed to bits and pieces beyond recognition.
How did I survive,and with no damage whatsoever?God must have protected me.Yet,I'm still facing that same problem.How am I gonna pick myself up,climb over the wall,and not fall and break anything in the process.Right there and then,this thought came to my mind. "I'm sophistication personified." Why would anyone else even face the kind of problems I do?I realize that only God can help me.
I lied down there,praying,almost giving up hope,to pull myself up.Its like,I'm waiting for Him to answer my prayer.Then,came the gentle reminder,that He's always there for me.Suddenly,I realized something.It was right under my nose,screaming for attention,but I was too carried away,trying to climb that obstacle in front of me.
HEY STUPID! You control your world,your problems!
Well,to be honest,I felt like an idiot.I immediately realized,I could suddenly get up.It was as if my legs were given strength.Whispering a prayer of thanks to God,I looked at the wall,and said, "Be removed and be cast into the sea.Get outta my way!Get out! I yelled at the top of my lungs.To my amazement,it simply floated up into the air,and disintegrated.
Out of no where,a voice came, "Whatever mess you've gotten yourself into,whatever problems you've created,only you can make it go away.You have the power to do so,especially now,more than ever.This is something,you can overcome.Its all in your mind." I was in awe.I just thanked God He was always there.He never stopped believing in me.
"What happened to my friends?" I questioned out loud,feeling incredibly stupid,talking to the air.There was no response.Tears welled up in my eyes. "I guess I really have no friends." It was then,that I saw you,a shining bright light,as if there was an aura of brilliance surrounding your very being.When you stepped nearer,I realized it was the reflection of light that made it seemed you were radiating light.
"Hey! I recognize that face.She seemed familiar." She offered me her hand.I reached for it,and I felt this strange but warm fuzzy feeling. "Don't worry,I'm here for you,even when everyone else disappears." I felt reenergized,revitalised.This time,when I looked into her face,I couldn't recognize it.
"Woah,back off.Who are you?" She just kept holding my hand,walking me through,life's journey,without answering my question.I followed helplessly,as if under a spell,unable to free myself.Thoughts of all kind ran through my head. "Who's this?My best friend?But I don't seem to know her."
Then she disappeared!Gone without a trace.And the same voice spoke,supposingly from nowhere. "That is your best friend.The reason,you don't recognize her,is simple.You do not know where to place her in your life right now.Therefore,her countenance changed.That's the reason why you recognize her from the start,and then,you couldn't later on."
The voice continued further. "You're not sure,whether you can take her as your best friend,or not.She gives you that warm fuzzy feeling,and you enjoy it.But do you really want her as your friend?You have to make up your mind.Then will you know for certain,where she stands,how she looks like,and how you're suppose to treat her.Your uncertainty,hides her identity to you.Remember the wall?She caused it,but you overcame it.She was also your best friend."
"Therefore,what I'm telling you is,there are 3 possibilities.She can be a 'wall' that will continue to haunt you,until you decide to push it aside.She can also be your best friend.Or,you can take a 3rd path,covered with its fair share of uncertainty.After all,if you recall,the future is uncertain.Anything can happen.Who knows what might happen?This 3rd path,I can't say for sure what you'll go through,but what I can say is,if this is the path you decide to choose,this is your future,and it messes with you,for all you know,you could end up hitting another brick wall."
"I also forgot to mention,there are no guarantees.If you do decide to choose this path,time is the deciding factor.Goodness knows what will happen,or how long before it breaks you,or makes you,but if you have decided,its a risk that you're gonna have to take.Farewell"
As I sat there,contemplating all that has happened,what has been said,it revealed,that the voice was actually the voice of my mind.I put 1 foot into the 3rd path,still not sure where to go.Another decision to make,and this,could be life changing...
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Just received some very disturbing news,and it crushed whatever mood I had left.Just not pleased with what I heard.It has totally changed my view and perspective about life and myself.I don't blame anyone.I really don't.I don't my parents,or even God.Its just that,after hearing the news,I've become so devastated,that I've begun to really start losing my self-worth.
I just feel that,in the current circumstances that I'm in,life's never gonna be easy.I just feel like,so helpless.I feel like I can never be good enough for anyone,except God.I can never be good enough,given my current situation.I'm just so fed up.This kind of situation can't be helped.I just know I'll be patronized.
I wanted my 'essay' above,but I just couldn't bear to do it,cause it took me 1 and a half hours to do it,and my posts are like masterpieces to me.Though the above is now not relevant,I didn't wanna delete it.I just feel that,I don't think I'll be able to run this time.Its a fact.
Something inside me tells me,that I can change all that.I shape my own destiny,and because God is in control of my future,I'll shape it with Him.I know that I might have a chance to change the way my life is,but whether its His will or not,is another thing.In fact,I've questioned Him.Why must it be like this?But I know,its an honour to serve Him.Yet,I somehow wished that it didn't have to be like this.I just feel so low now,that I'll never be good enough for anyone,especially people with expectations.
I just don't have the resources to deal with this kind of stuff anymore.Never really cared last time,but now,I just feel,that if I can't do it right,then I might as well not go on this way.I just wish for a normal life sometimes,or at least a simple wish,that it'll be better.I can only pray,and hope....
-Matt-
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
It was then that I realized,I couldn't be the friend that I wanted to be to you.I've tried,I really have,but I guess,its just no use.Yesterday,it hit me like a brick.What was I thinking?Am I really fit to be called your friend?It was at that point,that point of your life,when you were hurting,sad,and depressed,that I wasn't able to be there for you.
I was hurt myself,because you were hurt.I just couldn't be there,or even to cheer you up for that matter.I felt useless,hopeless.The point where you needed me most to cheer you up,I couldn't.I really wanted to,I did,but for once,I couldn't.I have failed my duty,my obligations and my responsibility to you as a friend.Most of all,I have betrayed you.
It is with the deepest remorse and regret,that I blog this down.Saying sorry just doesn't mean a thing nowadays.I feel like its not good enough.Even my very own reason for not being able to be there for you didn't help justify my conscience.I realize that the reason I had for not being able to be there,seemed stupid at times,but I have to.If not,I'll complicate matters.
You might as well stop communicating with me,stop conversing.I feel so unworthy,that I'm just not good enough.You might as well take a revolver and blow my brains out.I wanna be always there for you,but when you're sad,it paralyzes me.I just can't show that concern and care,because I forget how everytime I see how sad you are.I'm scared I'll cross the line and make matters worse.What's the use if I can't be there when you need me?Shoot me...
I feel stupid,cause I can't help you even if I wanted to.I'm hopeless in this.You said I don't show that concern and care that I claim to have,but I've already explained myself that day.You know what might happen if I complicate matters.I just wish you'd hit me,wake me up from this syndrome.I feel like a spineless coward.I don't wanna face up to you.Whatever I do,its bound to complicate matters.
I don't even know if I deserve all those times,when you showed your concern,that I doubt anyone else has truly show to me.You were persistent during those times when I needed you.I feel undeserving of your friendship.I appreciate it.No words can describe my appreciation,but yet,I know,that if I went too far into my appreciation for you,it might turn out to be something else,if you know what I mean.
I really don't wanna be a burden to you.I feel like I'm being more of a burden than anything.Every lil thing I wanna do,I'm scared it might bring devastating consequences.Everytime I wanna calm you down,be there for you,comfort you,I back off,knowing I'm sure to cross the line.You said you needed a shoulder to cry on,I really wish I could be there when you needed to cry.
I can't be of any use,except be a listening ear to you.Anything more than that,and you'll see the other part of me that I've kept so long from revealing itself.I know I can't afford to show that part of me.Its the other side of me that will do anything,including crossing the lines and the boundaries that have been set.
Until I know for sure I've been given permission to cross the line,so to speak,I dare not even think of letting the other side of me come out.We both know,the line,is clear and evident.There's no possibility of that line being removed,and you know it won't either.A miracle?I don't see any sign of it coming anytime soon.
I've told you to abandon me,give up on me,to stop showing concern,cause I don't want you to show me that concern that I don't deserve,and show it to someone else more deserving of it.I'm scared you showing me that concern might let that other half of me come out as well.I don't think you want that to happen anytime soon.
You don't know what you're doing when you show me that concern.I've told you, "When you need me,I'm here.If you don't need me,forget I ever existed.Only when you need me,then you remember me." Instead,you show me that concern though I've told you not to.I appreciate it,I really do.However,I shouldn't be the cause of your worries.You have more important people and things to worry about.
I don't know if this will sink in.Its getting harder for me day by day.Its causing some kind of conflict within me.I've been so close so many times,where the other half of me almost took over.Its happened so many times,I'm afraid I can't keep 'him' in for long.As long as you continue on this way,its like feeding fuel to the fire.
I really don't know what to do.I'm in a fix.Trust me,its not as easy keeping 'him' in.I'm just afraid 'he' might offend you,and hurt our friendship.If he takes over,there's no holding back.He'll give you everything you've lacked.Yet at the same time,if it backfires,it could end up hurting you.By the way things are looking now,it looks more likely to hurt you.
Yet,if you're willing,if you somehow come to a conclusion to take it in,it could turn out to be the total opposite.You might actually find what you're looking for.This war still rages on.I've got a slight advantage,in the sense,that I've caged 'him' in.But if this goes on,I'm afraid I'll lose the war,and you'll see a totally different 'me'.
Thats why I'm sorry for letting you see through me.I became too transparent to you,till you could sense when I was feeling down.I don't know what to do now.You know what to do.I believe you do.You hold the key to everything,and I only can hope,that you'll make the right decision.
-Matt-