Tuesday, July 04, 2006
As the night progressed on,I could feel a battle within me,a war,so intense,I came so close to breaking down.A war,that I wasn't sure why it took place,but it happened anyway.I suddenly went into the worst relapse yet,a relapse so bad,that it was possible,my condition became as bad as the state I was in,1 and a half months ago.A state so bad,that I almost went into tears.
This war,it seemed,was caused by my on doing.My mind took over the helm again,as it went from crazy,to insane.No amount of encouraging could help me.As it reached bedtime,the war intensified.I was going berserk.Suddenly,a thought came to my mind.If this goes on,I'll be doomed for tomorrow's Maths test.As if it wasn't bad enough,my hands were already full,and I couldn't accept this added worry.I just wasn't suppose to worry about it at this current time,but I had to yield to my increasingly rebellious mind that kept breaking free.
As I went to bed,I wanted to just cry,hoping that it'll be released,that it'll lessen my agony.However,to my relieve,my mind grew tired,and I fell asleep.As if an answer to my prayer,or probably a deep longing in me,I experienced a dream,in the midst of my sleep,that somewhat seemed to show me the root of all this,and why the war was going on so intensely within me.It was indeed a wonderful dream,but I can't be sure where it came from.
I was so hoping it was from God,but then again,assumptions are dangerous,and therefore,I approach whatever assumptions I make,with caution.It could also be because of my selfish desires,my wants,what I've dreamt of.This happy dream seemed to have lasted through the night,but I woke up at around 5.40am,startled that I could experience such a dream,where it seemed,I had experienced somewhere earlier in the year.
Then it really hit me,that it was possible,it was happening all over again.As I pondered what to do next,I realize,that I could not go back to sleep.During this half an hour that I was awake,my mind started to move in motion again.I finally knew,that if I did not let this out,I would regret once again that I never got to let it all out.With this decision firmly in my mind,I now await the right timing,to spill it all out.
I know,that if I keep it in,I may never get to express it out,ever again.While my confidence is running high,I need to take the next step.Whether or not anything comes from it,is another thing.But as for me,I just need to let it out,before it not,it'll cause any further damage and inevitably,destroy my very being.It could so much more damage,that it iltimately could lead to the point,where I literally came close to,so many times already.BREAKDOWN POINT.I realized,that I had fought the war,out of a selfish motive,that had arisen once again.
Why it came again?I really don't know.I'll probably never find out in this lifetime,but I know,what I have to do next.I know,its now,or never.Doesn't it all sound familiar?It all seems too familiar,as I ponder in disbelief,that I could be going down that same path again,but this time,with a different hope?I'm not so sure of myself.I don't know whether I should.I don't think I expect the kind of hope to just burst into life,cause all it looks like,is that its a hope,that might be a little too farfetched.An impossible dream,if you will.
All I know,is there's the task that lies ahead of me,a task,that I must do.As I pray about it,I realize,that I'll need His strength to do what I have to.As I've prayed about it,I'll just go along with the flow.The time has been set,as I muster up every ounce of confidence that I have(Doesn't this sound familiar too?) within me,to brave what lies ahead of me.I don't know,but my guess is,I'll feel better.
As the time draws nearer,I need to reshift my focus and attention now,to the more important task which lies ahead,while somehow pushing aside all this thoughts and to concentrate on the tasks,that comes 1st,my Maths exam.I can only pray,for the help,to focus and concentrate,as I once again,prepare myself,for what may seem,another rough patch,in life.Its just 1 of those times...
Signing out,
-Matt-