Thursday, July 20, 2006
As I sat there,covered in my deepest and darkest thoughts,surrounded by unfamiliarity,humbled by unworthyness,crushed by malicious thoughts,and screwed by my own feelings,I held a key in my hand,the key to opening the door that now stood before me.It was a door,that I have never thought of opening,till now.I mean,who wouldn't in my position,move on,for a better life.
But no,not me.You see,the mind works differently from the heart.However,the mind is often controlled by emotions,which the heart masterminds and controls,to do its bidding.Emotions,is the language of the heart.I've made up my mind to utilize the key that I have in my hand,but due to my emotions,I have been controlled by its menacing hold upon me.I longed to carry on,and forget the past,but my heart says "No!" Thus,I have been punished,and I lay a foothold in the past,not wanting,to walk through that door,simply for this reason.
Its because,my heart clings on to a hope,that has long faded away.Logically,one would push aside such dreams,and move on,but no,not my heart.Its too late now.I'm already in the biggest mess of my life.No doubt about that.Now,coming out seems the hardest thing to do.No amount of reasoning and pleading could get me out of this mess that I've gotten myself into.
Sometimes,I wonder,why it has to be like this?More than ever,what lays in front of me,amazes me.My heart has been hit with the worst kind of pain.Now,all I see are rows and rows of steel walls surrounding the very centre of my being.It has covered itself with some sort of a protection.Now,its self-defence mechanism has been activated,and no amount of weaponry or armoury in the world can pierce through it,but only the thing that has hurt me the most.
What's the use then if it can be pierced by the very thing its protecting itself from?The answer,I believe,that the only thing that can pierce it,is not the current pain now,but in future,when it happens to me again,that strange wonderful feeling.A feeling that has unleashed its magnificent side,as well,as its dark side,which now haunts me and taken me into its grasp,locked behind its self-made prison.
In a world where nothing makes sense,the best way to deal with hurt,is to protect yourself from the 1 thing that you care about the most.It is now,that I recall a phrase,that Bill Gates,the most richest and successful human on this place we call planet Earth. "Life is unfair,get used to it." Never has it crossed my mind that life can treat you with its most ill-fated treatment,that nothing seems to be fair.For 1,I have never experienced its devastating effects,till now...
Who can argue that life is fair?I dare you to tell me that you think life is fair.Twisted fates,tragedies of "could have been",ill-fortunes that never should have happened to so many people.You name it,there are so many reasons why life is unfair.You know what keeps me alive?The very fact that nothing is fair,except the God I believe in.He is in control of everything.
In a world of chaos and rules that exist,but are not taken heed to,I have something to believe in.I can name you so many times that I've felt like there's nothing worth living for.Everything I do,doesn't seem to match up to standards.I used to think,I'm a BIG failure,but what I've learned,is this.I may be the BIGGEST failure and loser on this planet,and I won't deny that,but I thank God,that He sees me as a success.Thats all that matters.
Even right now,as I have finally built a fortress of inpenetrable walls of steel around the 1 thing that controls my emotions,where nothing can enter,I know for a fact,that 1 day,it will once again be broken down by the very same reason why I built this fortress to protect me from all the hurts in the world.While I am still recuperating and recovering from this big piece of shit that I've fallen into,I know for a fact,that I will only recover,when I've fully been able to die to myself,and to hit it right into the very epicentre of all this jumbled up emotions,that its time,to open the door,and walk through.
It is a painful decision.Everything in me tells me,that I should hold on,and cling on to,this simple hope,that has never wavered even when battered against the storm of despair and doubts.However,against my so called 'better judgement',this time,I know for sure,that the longer I stay,the thicker the walls get,the worst the pain gets,the more depressed I will become,and ultimately,I'll end up living the process of self-destruction.
As I opened this door,that has so long evaded me,I close my eyes,as I can't bear to look into it.It seems like I've left myself behind in the past,because of its loyalty,and the hope that it still clings on to.But I know,walking through this door,there's no better time,than this.I don't know if I'll make it through.I've an inkling that it won't do me much more harm or damage,than what's already been done.
Just as in a battle,there's this struggle within me.A struggle so fierce,its reached its peak within moments of beginning.True,that this could be the most painful decision I've ever made in life,but I don't wanna cling on to a false hope,a hope that has diminished and dimmed to such a small glimmer,that I know,the longer I hope and expect and wait,the more painful its gonna be.Its just waiting for the right time to mislead me,and then *poof* it disappears.A lost hope...
If 'expecting' kills,you should see what 'hoping' does to you.Right now,I gotta kill the very thing thats holding me back.I gotta break down the defences surrounding the heart.My heart may refuse to let go of this hope,but my mind says,its time to let go.No use hoping in something,that has virtually little,or no chance of rekindling itself.For now,my mind seems stronger.
Weakened down by the terrible pain that it has endured,not to mention reaching breakdown point and coming out of it,it is indeed at the weakest state it has ever been.Therefore,there is no better time than now,to take this step,and walk through the door,that seems to be the only exit out.I only feel sorry for my heart,that has been broken down,time and time and again.It has endured much pain,and has finally reached its current state,where it doesn't deserve to be in.
Even right now,its telling me,how much it wants to stay back,and linger in whatever hope may be left.I may have no choice,but to abandon it in the past,and just take the next step,without it.I can't afford to have it slowing me down,and hindering me,from going through the door.But right now,I'll do everything within my power,to bring my heart along with me.It is a battle that I believe,my mind will triumph.It is now or never...
I end this post with a quote,and a poem that I composed,which I believe,sums up my entire post,even as I walk through the door of the present,and the future.
"Never dwell in the past,or you'll miss the present and the future."
Though sorrow and depression may be more than I can take,
And there's a sense of loneliness and sadness in me that I cannot fake,
I won't lose my present and my future,by dwelling and hoping on the past,
For only in God will I hope and put my trust,for He gives me peace that will last.
-Matt-