Thursday, July 27, 2006
Her name kept ringing in my head.I recalled the last words that was said to me,the words that now tormented me.Though I hated to admit it,I did to a certain extent feel a slight amount of jealousy.Yet,to my own amazement,my stubbornness,and probably my better judgement in this situation had the better of me.
Everytime,there is this inner voice,that tells me,the best thing for her right now,is for you to be there for her when she needs you.Yes,it hurt when everytime,it wasn't about me,it was about someone else.Nevertheless,the decision to be there was a decision I made on my own.It was not about how I felt,it was about how I could help,how I could be there for her when she needs me.
Controlling one's emotions are the hardest thing to do.As if it isn't hard enough,its terrible when your feelings overwhelm you.There is a saying that goes something like, "The worse way to miss someone,is sitting right beside them,and knowing you can't have them." Life's unpredictability bring it all into far more complication than a single soul can handle.
As I read through the messages over and over again,I can't help but feel a certain degree of hurt,as I realize,I could never own this heart that I seeked to conquer.It was like a scenario,where a key is given to you,but only if you can reach it,which in this case,is the key to unlocking the gates that stood before me,and taking hold of this heart that I now considered to be impossible to obtain.
Yes,its true,I've never had any expectations.I put myself into this dillema.I decided in my head,that I was just gonna be there for her,even if I could never obtain this key that I wanted so badly.I guess being there,cheering her up,and just making her smile again is more than I can ask for.I never expected anything anyway.It was with this sense of pride,that I could be there,to pick her up,to bring her through life's challenges,and ultimately,to be the person who she confides in.
Yet,somehow,I must now put away all expectations,and just be who I am suppose to be to her,and not who I want to be to her.Its no child's play.It hurts to know that whatever it is,I'll just be a friend.It somehow had a soothing effect,that though I couldn't be the guy of her dreams,I could be the one who's there for her,cause after all,seeing the other person happy is what matters most.
Satisfied being just as a friend to her?Never...but I enjoy just being there for her.No further thoughts has crossed my mind.I expect nothing else,cause I know,her heart,has been taken.As long as you're happy,I am for ya.Its seeing you smile that matters,more than anything else.For now,I'm just glad to be,your friend...
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Hello peeps.Just felt like writing out some stuff,just cause I haven't been blogging.Its been a while since I blogged.I have an important announcement to make. *Drum roll* Ahem ahem,MY FINALS ARE FINALLY OVER,AND ITS A 2 WEEK BREAK FOR ME!!
Haha,oh yeah.Just finished my Econs today.Turns out,it was the worse.Spent nearly an hour on the last section.Screw that,its over! Went for lunch after that at Old Asia Cafe in 1U! Haha,we went there in such a big group,that they had no place.So we had to sit outside. No air-con.Sadz...Its the 3rd consecutive time I've been to 1U in 3 days! Gosh,it has become my 2nd home. Haha...
Had a good time! Then we went for bowling.Oh yeah.Also had football after that.Been a long day,but oh yeah,it was fun.Released tension. =P Haha...now contemplating whether I should go to Genting for the class trip.Sounds like fun.Haha...
Hmm,nothing else to blog about though its been a while.Thats cause everyday also same thing,exam exam and exam.Now its holiday holiday and holiday! Yay! Also received the schedule for Semester 2.Crap,now off days are on Mondays.I liked it on Fridays better.
=( But we'll be having HR subjects next Sem. Cool,my favourite.
Well,planning to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 by this holiday.Must watch it!! Okay,I'm done.I'm bored.Gonna go play some games,and chill.Peace out peeps.Have a good week!
-Matt-