Friday, July 07, 2006
I was yet again haunted by a case of relapses.What's wrong with me?It should never even have happened.Was in an extremely bad mood,and still am.I can't believe this.I'm definitely in a fix now.Maybe next time,I'll just push aside whatever that comes from that source again,cause for all I know,it meant nothing.
Maybe its my fault.Impatient?How the heck would I know?I can't believe I feel into this,and just when I have drama practise later.Oh crap.Well,I'll need to push this aside,and just do my thing.I need holidays.I need breaks.And I don't need this now.I won't have any of it.
Maybe I should stick to my old self.Changing my frustration and depression into anger.It'll possibly drive me on.I know for a fact,that I'll be suffering from the trauma that comes with it.SCREW THIS!Ever changing moods suck.Especially when it comes back to haunt me.
Just feel so pissed off.Whats there to do when all I can do is suffer in silence.I need to go out.Emotions are playing with my mind.I'm gonna be messed up.What a bad timing for the stupid drama thing to happen.Go away!Let me live my life!I hate this emo-ness.
Perhaps he was right.My emo-ness does make me weak.Its the only weak point,that'll bring me down,and make me stay that way.I've gotta fight it.Against all logical sense,I will do what I have in my power to stop this march to inevitable defeat.But I doubt I can fight this alone.
No!I refuse to give up.I've had enough.Just leave my head.Get out!Get out!I won't succumb to being entangled and trapped by emo-ness.I simply will not let this emo thingy get to me.The way to conquer it?I think its time,to change my life a 180 degrees.Turn over a new leaf,but it ain't gonna be pretty,I can assure you.
On another note,I've had it.Its NOW,or NEVER!I will not sit here and let you control or dictate how my life is every single day.I will not have it.The time,is NOW!A decision must be made.Time will not wait any longer,and neither will I.Its high time,I took control of my life.I won't let emo-ness get to me.
Go away!I will not suffer in silence.Self-control from my temptation seems even harder to have right now.Breakdown,suddenly becomes a possibility.I believe I've reached that point.All the stress and depression has gotten to me.But I'm taking a stand.Get outta my head.I see no other way outta this,other than channeling my frustration and depression and disappointments into the other channel that I dare not say.
As someone once said,"I have stronger words to use,but I will not use them." I'm so close to muttering them out.No way man!Must be careful if I choose to channel all the emo out into this side of me,that has no turning back.Words may fly,and so well sparks.Gotta control my tongue.Won't let this get the better of me.
I'm gonna keep this all in.I'm so sure,I can predict what's gonna happen.Just a slight provocation,and I'll blow.Anytime now.I'm a walking time bomb.Oh crap.The side of me that I fear,seems to be out again.Out of rage,anger,jealousy,resentment,I've accidently let it loose.
Maybe I'll just let it out a while.It'll do me good.Though its the most negative and dangerous possible thing to put my trust on,but the bright side is,I can be driven by anger and frustration.They give me the best possible motivation for whatever I'm doing.
Driven by disappointments,hurt,and impatientness,I'll definitely do a better job in whatever I'm doing,even the drama,though I may hurt a lot of people in the process,but I can't help it.I will no longer contain this inside.Emotions are just not meant to be kept in.
I'm too dangerous to be around with.I'm afraid its gonna be a rough weekend for me.Who knows who I'll offend?While I'm still writing this,in my sane mind,trying to keep the 'beast' within me caged up,I wanna apologize if I may offend anyone during the duration of this week.
The voice keeps telling me to let it all out,and I fear,that I may lose control of myself,and it'll be a matter of time before I blow.I can't hold it in any longer.While I'm still in my sane mind,trying as much as possible not to let the frustration and that crap get to me,this may possibly be my last hours of being myself for a long while.
I know what can cure this,but its out of my grasp.I can't reach the cure.Its just something,that is beyond my reach.Only 1 person can cure this and cage up the 'beast' within me.As I contemplate giving up the war within me,I know for sure,I'll be losing the grip that I have very soon.
So here goes...Goodness knows how many people I would offend and how many times I have to apologize,if I ever regain this side of me again...I can only warn beforehand of what is to come.I don't know what I'm capable of doing,or incapable for that matter...I can only say,I'm fighting a losing battle,as I surrender,I hope I'll be able to recover this side of me.Its not for me to say,as what I become,or whether I recover,lies in the hands of another...
As the war rages on,I look at the world,for the last time,through my very own eyes,for I'm losing myself,not knowing if I'll ever make it back,as myself...The time has come,as I let go,and all hell breaks loose within me.
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What a day! Spent the entire day in college just for 1 practise session that ended in less than half an hour.What a waste of time.Hmm,there is a piece of good news though.I've managed to still keep the 'beast' in.I've not blown at anyone,yet,and I'm hoping I won't.
It doesn't look promising.I don't know what might happen.I could just go berserk anytime,at any given moment.Its hard to say,but I'm beginning to hate myself for feeling like this.It just leaves a deep guilt in me,after a while.I feel really really stupid,just cause I feel like this.I can't even define what I'm feeling now.So pathetic.
What has gotten to me?Why did I even go into such territory in the 1st place?I should have known better.But well,silly old me,never heeded to advice,as well as the fact,that I followed my emotions,instead of my gut feeling.Emotions,can be the biggest liars sometimes.You get carried away by the moment,and then,you tend to lose it all.
It could be just a feeling,but this ain't no joke.I feel so helpless,so lifeless,and still,loneliness haunts me again.What am I to do?Sit back and cry?I don't know what to do myself.Probably,I'm just a sucker for hope.The reason?Emotions...I'm living my life based on them.I'm too emo for my own good.
Just knowing the fact,that I can never feel secure,unless...It brings me to reality,that I'm really not good enough.I'm just so low in self-esteem,that I don't know whats gonna happen.This shouldn't be how I feel,but its a fact.Facing all these has made me lose confidence in myself,in my ability,whatever it is,I just feel like I can't perform.
Its just that sad feeling of never being good enough for other people.I guess,its true?That I'll never be good enough.Probably,besides my family,and my dear Daddy,I'm never good enough for other people.Its in this pit of low confidence,and of helplessness,that I end this post.
Signing out,
-Matt-