Friday, July 14, 2006
14th July,7.40 a.m. Just reached back from piano class.Got to drive to and fro today.Sweet...Managed to somewhat clear my thoughts.Feeling better.Sigh...Linda can't go out for the movie either.Khye-Ren's going to 1U later,so she can't go tomorrow either.Darn.Looks like I'll have to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 after my finals,probably on the Friday after my finals. Wondering what to do till then,besides studying.I shall find something to do.Having my 1 week study break now,before the FINALS!My blog's turning into my diary.Dad has hinted that he may finally let me drive around without anyone else supervising me in the car(Thank God!) Never thought I'll see this day arrive.Hmm,no plans for the day.Guess I'll be online for most of the day.Gonna play Gunbound,get some real good rest,and maybe I'll start studying a little.
Feelings and emotions overwhelmed me.It was going crazy all over again.My mind went from 1 possibility,to another.There was no end as I was once again tortured by this all too familiar feelings of uncertainty.There was a certain yearning in me for that something extra.I mean,who in their right mind wouldn't?
There were only 2 possibilities why I was feeling this way.The first,is that sense of insecurity.Its a feeling which has weaved its way into my life because of the past,a past so deep,and full of hurts,pain and rejection,that it has remained a constant pain in the ass inside of me.Whenever I do not get that attention,or the sense of being loved,it takes over.
Its like,I need the constant attention,reminders that I'm loved,that I'll never be pushed aside as if I was nothing.I suspect it has everything to do with the past.Its just a deep wound inside of me,and the only way it can be healed,temporarily,is by knowing that someone still loves me.It sounds stupid,even idiotic at times,but I can't help it.The past has made me feel this way.I just don't wanna feel this feelings of insecurity anymore,cause when I do,it leads to even more devastating feelings that I don't even wanna think about.
Then,there's the 2nd possibility,which comes from the source...my Mind.This possibility,is 1 that has haunted me time and time and again.It always resurfaces from somewhere within and it bugs me for the rest of the day.Sometimes,inevitably,causes me to lose sleep.Its a constant 'reminder' that my mind is running 24/7 and that I can't stop myself from worrying.I just think too much,and of all the possible scenarios and situations that might arise.
My mind never stops running.It thinks of "What if's" and then,it causes me to worry a lot.I have no idea what the heck is going on,or why my mind goes into this state of worrying about things,that could not happen at all.All I ever do to conquer this,is to let my mind run and worry my ass out.Its not the best way to solve it,but I'll just sit helplessly and worry till the time comes for me to turn in for the night,the only time I don't worry.Then in the morning,it starts running again.
Both this possibilities,I believe have the same cure,as mentioned above.I just need to be told that I'll be loved,just to feel safe.Its a friggin thing that hits me everytime.I think,combined together,insecurity and worrying about stuff becomes a deadly combo of emotions,that eats up the person within me.Right now,as I sit here,and try to clear my thoughts on an early Friday morning,the hope that this lingering feelings will go away remains inside of me.
Its just a menace when everytime they hit me,I'll just let it run its course.Ends up draining me spiritually and mentally.Its almost like a 1 sided battle with me no chance of winning it,without the help of an outside force greater than me.Its a losing battle.Even now,in my deepest thoughts,there are just so much stuff to think about,thats its almost impossible not to worry.
Hope...
I can only hope,that I'll strive to move on...If I do run out of steam,only God can help me...Right now,as I start a brand new day that He has given to me,I can only hope,that this feelings of insecurity and the crazy mind that I have inside of me,that never seems to get tired of worrying,will go away.
Even right now,I can only pray,and...hope...
14th July,11.55 a.m.
Just finished helping mum with the ironing.Bother.So tired.Gonna take a nap.Have a good rest.Wake up late,and then,tonight,I'll be in cell.Starting to get a lil nervous awaiting the worship team gathering tomorrow,but we'll be fine,hopefully.Will be praying real hard tomorrow.Never thought it would be so stressful.Maybe its cause its my 1st time,but,its gonna be fun.Gonna go get some sleep now.
-Matt-