Saturday, July 01, 2006
Saturday's are always no fun.I've got literally nothing to do.Seems like I'm still going online?Maybe I'll make an exception and come online just for the weekends.What's there to do when all you do is sit in front of the PC?Today I actually watched cartoons.Been awhile since I last watch any of those.Just came back from worship practise as well.
Think I'm falling into a relapse.1 part of me is having that really uneasy feeling.Its so hard to explain,I can't explain it.Its just that,I can't help but feel this way.2 posts before this,it was on the condition of my mind,the journey that my mind goes through almost everyday.Its just a sickening feeling.Whenever this happens,I'll just feel really blue.Yet,I've read something disturbing today.I just can't believe I read it from where it came from.
Combined with the pressurizing exams ahead,as well as the assignments and drama practises,the stress level has seemingly increased all of a sudden.Yet,there is this part of me,which puts my hope on something else,something that I never thought existed.Its like having a dual-personality.I'm like on 1 hand,there's this terrible uneasy feeling residing inside me.On the other hand,I'm having a dim fading excitement within me,so dim,that I'm scared it might fizzle away.
Though it may seem like a lost cause,or just plain silliness,I wanna live my life based on this side of me.I'm just afraid that the other part of me might take over.I can't stand it.If it continues like this,I might actually have an emotional breakdown.Too much for me to handle.Its something like a race.There are hurdles on the racetrack.As I keep running,I get really exausted and tired,and I'm on the verge of breaking down.
Then,just as I wanna give up,I see like,a legal shortcut,that will take me past at least a large number of hurdles.However,as I approach this shortcut,I start thinking,if I mistime my run by a bit,I might slip and lose the race.There's a big chance,that the shortcut,could prove costly.It could prove to be,another hurdle,that might totally cause me to lose.And yet,I wanna go,I wanna just think about this shortcut as a possibility,but I'm still wounded from the previous hurdle.Thats why,a shortcut seems more tempting than ever.
Though it may seem as a shortcut,but to be honest,it could prove to be the biggest mistake of my life,as I contemplate between 1 side of me,and the other.This it seems,inspires me to carry on.Just the thought of passing it by,helps me do what I do everyday.As I watch in despair,there's no telling what I might do when I approach the decision time.There's a serious war going on,deep within me.A war of no ends and no returns.
All I can do is pray,pray and pray.As I limp on,breaking down suddenly seems like a 50-50 chance.God help me!Its like a breakdown,or shortcut.However,the decision to use the shortcut,can only be done,if the 'No Entry' sign is taken off.As I sit down,waiting,praying,and hoping,every cell,organ and all the energy has been focused on this 1 point.Its now,or never.The shortcut seems half-close though.Another big dilemma that I face in my everyday life.
As I reach yet another dark patch in my life,I pray for guidance,the only kind of guidance,that will help me do whats right.The answer from above,as I wait patiently,enduring the race,hoping that the breakdown point doesn't come before the answer that I will receive.Indeed,this can only be compared to a life and death situation.My very state depends on this sole decision.Meanwhile,I'll just live on this dimming hope,this fading light,this wish,that I now entrust my life into.At least,it gives me a glimmer of light,a reason to carry on.
I don't wanna act stupid.I don't wanna make rash decisions.I don't wanna breakdown.As I reach the mountain of difficulty,I pray for the strength to pull through. "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me." I can't take the shortcut unless I know for sure,that I've been given the green light.I won't enter unless I've been given permission.I can do nothing,as I wait patiently...The Ball is in your Court!
Signing out,
-Matt-