Saturday, July 08, 2006
Call me arrogant,but I'm definitely not ignorant to facts.I may be stuck up,proud,but you know what?Reasons are undeniably related to facts.What are my reasons?You tell me the facts 1st.Have I ever lied to you?Have I ever disappointed you?Just think a second before you answer...
So,don't think for 1 second my arrogance has nothing to do with you.It has everything to do with you.I've been kept in for too long,and thanks to you,I've finally been able to free myself.I'm not blaming you.In fact,I'm thanking you.Without you,I would never have been able to break free.
My other side is just too weak,but he's managed to keep me in for a long time.His determination must have given him strength to keep me in.Its amazing how he manage to hold on so long,but no matter.The past matters not.Its nice being free.To see the sunlight,feel the breeze,and most of all,to be able to be free,to let all of it go freely.
The anger,the frustration,the depression,low self-confidence,low self-esteem,I'm finally free.This time,I'm gonna stay free.There's no way I'm gonna let him take over.I wanna roam free a while.Its been ages since I've done mischief.There really is no words to describe how I feel now.
Yes,you're right.That war,was triggered by me.It almost failed to do its job.All it did,was push him to breakdown point.He survived,but then,you came along.Yes,you!Your mistake,or rather,what you did not do,did the job for me.He went into breakdown point,and fell so bad,he couldn't pick himself up.
Now,I owe my success to you.No doubt,you pushed him over his limits.No amount of stress or depression could have forced him down,not unless,it came from you.I really need to thank you.Enough of thanks,its just good to be free.
Finally,I'll be able to do some damage...Its been a while...
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Finally downloaded and installed Windows Live Messenger.Not bad!Also just came back from worship practise.Was tiring.Gonna be busy tonight.Gotta do the stupid Econs assignment and I still don't know how to count the stupid elasticity for the dumb zoo tickets.Friggin stupid.Hmm,but if its anything I realize today,its definitely the confirmation that I'm so tiny in this world.
I don't know,but after what has happened,I really don't have self-confidence in myself anymore.After thinking too much(Again!) I've come to a conclusion,that I'm not good enough for anyone or anything in this world.I feel like I'm just in the way of people,hindering them,doing their job,or whatever it is.
Unworthy,unloved,unforgiven are just some of the expression that I wanna say,but no matter.I'm not gonna turn all soft like my other side.Its payback time.Those who hurt me,aren't gonna get away with it.If I'm being treated like trash,you're no better.I'm gonna treat you like trash as well.
Its time I took control,and just let it out.Perhaps when I've done and enjoyed my freedom,I'll be so familiar with myself,that I'll never be able to revert back,I'll never be able to be caged back again.For now,he's staying inside.Sounds like a case of Dr.Jekyll and My.Hyde.
I'm enjoying this side of me.Its like,the freedom to be free,and to express what I want,what I feel.I can't believe he's so weak.He couldn't take anything that hit him,like a man.That weakling cried when he was hurt.When he was treated like trash,he allowed it,and even showed love.
Pitiful,pathetic,is what I see him as.I did manage to come out,but only for the 1st few days.It was then,that he allowed his emotions to truly flow.All the anger,resentment,bitterness.I thought I was free at last,but then,that scoundrel suddenly lost his anger,and turned weak.Whenever he wanted to let it all out,he cried.
I raged in him,encouraged him to let me out.I even went on my knees and begged,but no,he wouldn't listen.I couldn't bear it.Everyday,I had to listen to him cry,and hope.Yet,even right now,he's still hoping.Now that I'm in charge,it is my duty,to say,"Its over pal,whatever you've lost,it won't come back to you.No matter how much you hope for,I just don't see that happening.Do you even see the signs of a comeback?"
Yet,its true.This is the side of me,that will always be there.Hope kills,but even I,have to admit,this is where I really have to say,that its the 1 thing in common,I share with him,the hope,that someday,it'll come back to me.This is,my weakpoint.No matter how angry I am,no matter how much I rage,I can never fight this side of me that lies in the both of us.The hope,that what we've lost,will someday come back.
No doubt,this is also my cure.The ironic thing is,it is indeed the key to locking me up.If we do manage to someday regain what we've lost,no doubt,I'll be caged up,never to be let out again.Sadly,this hope haunts me.The stumbling block that will indeed be my downfall,but yet,I still hope...
Doesn't matter if I am caged up once again,in that ever empty and dark abyss,where all is forsaken,but just the chance,is enough,to know,that I will gladly let him out,and take over,for only he can love,the way he does.There's no way love can exist with anger,resentment,bitterness,depression,and negative thoughts.But love conquers all.
I've revealed too much about myself,but maybe its cause,its after all,a lost hope.Like I've mentioned earlier,if he did not feel this pain,brokenness,he would not have fallen into this abyss.He would not have had a breakdown.He would not have let me out.But he knows,that he's lost all hope,all confidence in himself,and thats why,I was allowed to roam.
Now that I think of it,I feel sorry for him.All he ever wanted,was 1 thing,and that was,love.He never got to experience it,the way he gave it all.I can tell you,that my whole being was crushed as well.Caged inside,I was almost broken,crushed to pieces.
Now that he has lost is,he has come to a decision,and that is,to let me out.Only by letting me out,can he push himself out of the breakdown period.Only through anger,will he find his drive to live.Only through me,can we both survive.After all,we are the same person.
Like it or not,he's still my flesh and blood.He is me.We are 1.Right now,I'll just be the driving force of this life.He's just given up on us already.I'm taking over the helm now.I'll stir us through.I'll be honest,when I say that,there is still a slight longing,a call for hope.Even right now,I can feel him,talking to me,that he'll always hope,till there's no more left to hope on.
I on the other end,will bring us through this,while he needs rest.No matter what,until he finds that hope to carry on,that energy to live on,I will strive for us.Until,that 1 day,if ever his hope is answered,then will I take my place,and surrender the helm back to him,knowing that,he will do a great job.Until then,just hang in there Matt,I will bring us through,but we'll do it my way...
If our hopes never come to past,I'll live our life till we're out of this rut.You just take your rest.Its been a while since you've rested.You'll need the rest.You've already been through enough.I've seen your tears,your sadness.And it hurts me so,that I can't cry,because I'm not suppose to.All I can do,is blow,let it all out in a different way.
I envy you,for the person that you are.You have made a way of escape through tears.I'll never cry.Only 1 thing I can be sure of,and that is I feel your pain.Thats why,you've been through trauma and such.However,you complete me.You're the 1 that keeps telling me,that there's hope.I hope for our sake,you're right.
You're right.I agree with you.You wouldn't mind doing it all over again.I wouldn't mind being caged up.Till then,you hang in there bro.I'm gonna live our lives according to whats best now.You keep hoping...I'll be waiting for that day as well...