Monday, July 31, 2006
Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them and sometimes it's those memories that give us the faith to go on.
I'm a first believer in the power of change. But there is one thing I've learned, and that's the hardest part of moving forward is not looking back.
Do what makes you happy.Be with those who make you smile & laugh as much as you breathe.
Life's about taking risks; You can't look back; You have to trust yourself; Keep believing you did the right thing; & in the end things might work out the way it's supposed to be.
Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fall in order to know. Sometimes our vision is only clear after our eyes are washed clear with tears.
It’s the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking.
I realize now, that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are & the pain you feel; it's life. The confusion and the fear that's there to remind you that, somewhere out there, there's something better and that something is worth fighting for.
High school changes people. Some for the better, some for the worst but if one thing is true; you find out who your real friends are.
Old enough to know better, young enough to do it anyways.
I wouldn't change the past for anything. I wouldn't change the way I felt, the things I did, or what I said. I wouldn't change who I was, or what you meant to me. The only thing I would change is the way you felt towards me...
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing upthese are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart & eventually you'll finally get it right.
What’s worse than having an enemy,is having a friend that doesn't care.
You will never
lose by loving ...
but you'll always
lose by holding back...
Sometimes whether you're ready or not, love strikes you & sometimes you have the answers & sometimes you're lost for words & sometimes you don't know what to do; but you can never make it disappear just cause you want it to & just cause its hard doesn't mean you can't deal with it, cause in the end, its always worth it.
RULE NUMBER ONE OF LOVE: You can never be "just friends" with someone that you’re in love with.
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect; it just means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections...
The fact that you broke me wasn't what was hard to deal with,it's knowing I'd go through it again.
We get in the biggest fights with the people we care about the most cause those are the relationships we're willing to fight for.
Maybe there are no right moments, right guys,right answers, maybe sometimes you.. just..have to do what your heart says.
I'm so pissed at myself. That's right pissed at myself, not you. I'm pissed for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, & most of all for not hating you, which I know I should, but I just can't.
Its weird to think about how different your life would be if you never met the person who changed it.
"I’m sorry's" do not fix broken hearts."Oopsies" do not dry tears."I'll be better next time's" are just a waste of time.& "I promise's" don't mean anything anymore.
Sometimes,goodbyes are actually intended to be forever.
Someone asked me if I knew you..a million memories flashed through my mind and I whispered, "..not anymore"
FATE decides who walks into your life YOU decide who stays. Who you let walk away & whom you refuse to let leave you.
Always tell someone how you feel mean what u say & say what u mean even when it's hard, because opportunities are lost in a blink of an eye but regrets can last a lifetime.
Happily ever afters are only in books,so wake up,'cause this life doesn't get any better.
The only thing harder than walking away... is never turning back.
We always believe our first love is our last, & our last love is our first.
Beginnings are scary, endings are sad it's the middle that counts the most so don't look so hard for happy endings..Cause you might miss the best part of the story.
Even though we aren't together,& we were never really official, it felt so real; so good. It will take awhile to adjust to the thought of not seeing you every day. I'm so afraid of forgetting the sound of your voice.
One day friendship and love met and love asked, "why do you exist when I'm already here?" friendship replied, "I'm here to bring smiles when you bring tears."
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry; show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
If we're truly meant to be we'll find a way back to each other.
Why waste your time getting hurt by someone, when there's someone else out there waiting to make you happy?
Letting go of someone special to you is hard. But holding on to someone who doesn't feel the same way is even harder.
I'm tired of pretending...that I don't love you anymore.
Everyone keep's telling me to just get over you & to move on,they obviously don't understand just how hard I've already tried.
It seems there will always be that one wish you cant have one thing you cant take back & one memory you'd do anything to have again.
Even though at times things arerough...You gotta keep your head up when it's tough.
People are fake& aren't what they seem.They put on an act & don’t say what they really mean.Through all of the drama you gotta SMILE,because it gets better. It looks BAD now...but it won’t be this way FOREVER.
I think sometimes, you have to lose someone completely before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
I sit at the computer waiting for you to get on but then you do and I realize...it doesn't matter, cause you don't talk to me and I can't talk to you because I’m afraid.
I hate how we never got our chance to see what we could have been. I hate how I know I’m not over you & how I pretend to be. I hate how you've totally moved on, & you have no idea that I haven't.
Have you ever just sat in the dark, blasted music and thought about the lyrics? Well I have and every song that comes on, I always find some way to relate to you.
And if one day you noticed we haven't talked in awhile, it's not because I don't care anymore; it's because you've pushed me away.
I just want a different ending to our same old story; let's try to make it last this time and prove them all wrong.
As you go through life you'll see there is so much that we don't understand & the only thing we know is things don't always go the way we planned..
Life is about trusting your feelings & taking chances, losing and finding happiness. Appreciating the memories and learning from the pain & realizing that people always change.
You can't just be friends with someone you're in love with; it's just not that easy.
I'm done trying, either you love me and want me, or you don't.
The future is in your hands.
LOVE is like a rumour everybody talks about it but hardly anyone really knows.
Love is a reason for living, a reason for trying, a reason for life.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
Issues, problems, drama all makes me really wanna stop the life I'm living all this effort I am giving trying to be glad & everything's making me sad. Why doesn't it all just stop? I kinda hate life a lot.
Sometimes the smallest decisions can change your life forever.
Don't try so hard because the good things come when you least expect them.
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Just some quotes that someone sent to me(Thanks Kel Li =P). Just read on.Its mostly about love.Helps you understand this thing called love,that seems to be the most powerful force on earth,but yet,the hardest and most complicated to understand.Always misunderstood and interpreted in the wrong way.
Its wierd.It has the power to change a person,makes you do stuff for another person,that you wouldn't do for anyone else,gives you the best moments of your life,makes you laugh when you've lost all reason to love,puts you at the top of the world,gives you so much joy.In the same breath,it makes you cry,hurts you so bad,causes depression,and breaks your heart,and rips it out,shreds it into pieces.
Yet,it never ends.The only thing that last with it,is hope and peace.Together,love,hope and peace is the only thing that will last forever.Love is a beautiful thing,when shared with that special someone,who feels for you,the way you feel for that someone.Think carefully before going into any relationship,cause regrets can last a lifetime.
This is good stuff.Enjoy reading.Maybe,you'll get into a more deeper depth on this subject.Maybe it'll help you think carefully.Maybe,you'll think carefully about taking that step,that could either make you,or break you.I know I've been enlightened.Peace out!
-Matt-
PS: Thanks Aunty Josephine,for your support.It helped boost my confidence. =)
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Drama drama drama.Its a Sunday,and who would expect drama to happen?Too many things happened today in church.It was insane.Don't wanna talk about it,don't wanna bother.Just 1 of those days when mood swings hit an innocent guy like me.
I don't care.Nobody does anyway.So like,what do you mean by pretending to care?If the Grammy's were here,you'd probably win best actress!Who do you think you are?You think you know me well?Think again.How on earth did you get the idea that you could go in and out of my life like that,without even giving me a proper reason?
So I'm useless,you can chuck me away just like that?Wow,I'm surprised.More importantly,I'm surprised I held you with such high regard.What the?How can it come from such a person?You think by doing that,its good enough?Well I've got news for ya,there ain't no such thing as doing something just to please me for a moment.
How you've fallen from such a high position,such an important person in my life,to just someone who I hardly know anymore.Its amazing isn't it,how neglection can cause such a downfall.I'll be honest.You were 1 of the few people who has ever earned my trust,my respect,my friendship to the point where I would take a bullet for you,my concern,that I'd always be there and ask you how you were doing.
There's more.You also earned that special podium in my heart,for a short while,but you screwed it up anyway.Not only that,you were 1 of the 3 girls who I actually considered to be 'best friend' material in my entire life.Let me repeat,ENTIRE LIFE! No other girl could easily earn that kinda position so easily within such a short period of time.
But,I guessed it didn't matter to you.You probably never knew how important you were till you screwed it up nicely.You'll probably never ever find out.I guess my opinions don't matter,cause as far as I'm concerned,our friendship meant nothing after a while to you.It hurt me to lose you as friend more than it hurt you,cause after all,I was just a makeshift friend.
After all,you never really allowed me to help you.I told you everything,all my problems,all the nonsense I was going through.You were there,you gave me advice,you lent me your ear,you were even the peacemaker,you were everything I could ask for as a friend,but yet,after all my dark and gloomy skies were gone,I was chucked aside.
Of course I'm grateful,but what the?Friendship?No such thing to you?Fine,so I lied to you.I told you exactly the opposite when you asked me what was wrong and whether it was related to you.But so?After all,if you're too good to be my friend,then I guess I have the right not to tell you when things are wrong and when it has everything to do with you.
I wanna trust you,but I don't know whether I can confide in you again like I used to.You have taken away every reason for me to trust in you at all.There's a part of me that wants to trust you again,to be your best friend again,to be open to you,but well,I don't wanna tell you all the nonsense I'm going through,if I can't be sure that I can still look up to ya as my best friend.
You're gonna have to prove it,that you can reclaim the status of 'best friend' in my heart.I miss talking to you.I miss being opened to you.But,if I'm not gonna know for sure that you'll be my best friend again,then I won't.You won't even let me help you out in your problems.You can still tell me you're not facing any when your face is as long as a papaya.
At least let me carry your burdens just like you did for me.I don't know.I just felt like I've lost a huge part of me.Best friends are irreplacable.You were my shooting star,the 1 that came by only almost like once in a lifetime.You were always there for me,till now.I've never felt so neglected until now.
I miss having you as a best friend.I miss your concern.I miss the times we spent going out.I miss those nights of smses,and phone calls.I miss those times where we'd sit and chat.Most of all,I miss the thought of knowing,I could always talk to you anytime,anywhere.Sadly,all those didn't mean a thing to you.
I wish you the best anyway.You take care of yourself.I'm just sorry our friendship didn't mean anything to you,and I'm chucked away,as if you were bored.I'm just sorry it ended like this.1 thing's for sure,I'll still always be here when you need me.You face too many problems,and you face them alone.But unlike you,I'm here if you ever decide you need someone to talk to.
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On a different note,here are some pics of the buffet lunch we had at Eastin hotel.It was by far the best buffet in my life.There was so much food,we spent 2 and a half hours there.They had Vietnamese,Thailand,Singapore,Phillippines food.They had Sushi,Malaysian food,lamb,satay.
They had a whole table full of cakes and puddings for desserts,plus another table of buns.6 flavours of ice-cream.They had steamboat,fruits,all kinds of stuff.It was crazy.Enjoy drooling over the pics.
Some of the cakes and puddings
Ice-cream(Sweet corn,Yam,Chocolate,Chocolate chip,Mint,Strawberry)
Buns(Cinnamon,Oatmeal,Garlic bread,etc....)
More cakes and puddings
More desserts
Ice-cream with chocolate toppings and syrup.Yes,I had buffet with a sprained thumb.
Ice-cream with coffee.Excellent stuff.
Sushi! =P
Steamboat. Mmm...
Mushroom Pizza. Hehe...
Did I tell you that waffles and pancakes with maple syrup taste extremely good?
There was actually 3 different kinds of Spaghetti sauce.Only managed to get a shot of 2.
Apple Crumble.Something like apple pie.
5 different kinds of ice-cream with its toppings. Yum...
Desserts anyone? Chocolate cakes...
A sprained thumb,due to futsal,just cause some stupid guy didn't know how to shoot the ball.
Well,its rather pricy,but thanks to Aunt Jo,we had free vouchers.Oh yeah.Yum.Had like 3-4 bowls of ice-cream.It was extremely good.Was planning to take a certain someone,but now,I'm not so sure.I think I better stop here,or I'll go on continuing from the 1st part of my post.Enough said already.
Peace out.Have a good week peeps.All the best to those having exams.Cheers!
-Matt-
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Opening my eyes,I found myself on the floor,stretching myself,I got up to my feet.For some reason,my knees were shaky,and a shot of nervousness sent a shockwave through my entire being.I got up,regained my sense of positioning,and tried to recall what had happened.
It was then that I realized,that I had entered your world without realizing it.It looked rather red here and there.Your whole world was in cracks,as if a massive earthquake had taken place.As I journeyed onwards,I was careful of my every step,that I won't cause another massive earthquake.It was hard,but I had to be very careful.
Slowly,I surveyed the remains of your world around me.It seemed destined to self-destruct at any given moment.It hurt me as well,as I understood what was really going on.Your world was in shambles,broken and torn.Yet,I could still see,that yes,there was still life in the midst of all these brokenness.
As I searched for answers,to why it was in such a mess,I came to the centre of it all,the heart.Pumping blood as if there was no tomorrow,it was still in good shape.As I walked around it,to get a closer view,I noticed a gleaming edge,that caught my eye,from 1 side of your heart.
To my horror,as I took a closer look,I saw a dagger pierced right through in the middle.Yet,I sensed that I should have anticipated this coming,but never in my wildest dreams,could I have imagined the condition of your heart.I just sat there,and tears streamed down my face.How could it be possible?Is it salvagable?
As time went by,I noticed,that the dagger was pushed by a constant movement,minor earthquakes if I might add.It just kept going deeper,and deeper.I tried with all my might,to pull it out,but I realized,it was in vain,as I tried but I couldn't seem to pull it out.I felt helpless,searching my mind,for a solution.
In the end,I gave up,knowing,I couldn't pull it out,but only you can.However,I noticed,that wherever I stepped on,out of care,it healed the cracks here and there.I could be of assistance after all.However,I noticed,that as I got deeper and deeper,I could no longer heal those cracks,but instead,I could be making it worse.Careful as to where I stepped on,I withdrew,and did what I can,never daring to enter further in.
I knew I could never take out that heart piercing pain,but all I know is,that I'll help out wherever I can,even if I can't pull out the dagger that was stuck.I know,that if given the chance,I could,but never in my wildest dreams,have I expected to be given that chance,and opportunity,to pull it out with every single ounce of strength in me,cause I know,its futile to even think that far.
What I can do now,I'll do it,no matter what the cause.Too small to take effect,but I wanna help in whatever way I can,even if I can't cure the source of it all.I now know,that inside a world of hurts,brokenness,the best thing I can do,is to be there.Hopefully,your world will cure itself 1 day.
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Been a tiring day.Woke up at 5.30am.Crazy!Everytime I wake up,I can't go back to sleep.Went for futsal competition,lost because of some lousy refereeing,and all the decisions seemed to be going to the other team.Sprained my thumb just cause someone didn't know hot to kick the ball.
Was spectating the match before us,and some stupid guy shot the ball,and it had to hit my thumb.Now its sprained. =( But well,stuff happens.Can't be helped.There was lots of curse words being shouted cause my whole team wasn't happy with the stupid referee.I took it calmly and rather collected.
Sigh,sad.Screwed the whole game just cause the referee wasn't up to standard,but I won't badmouth him.People make mistakes.Hmm,have to go out for lunch,go for worship practise,and then go for youth cell.Playing piano for tomorrow,and playing guitar for the youth cell,and my finger's sprained.Could it get any worse?Haiz...Lets hope lunch will be great.
Having buffet.Celebrating daddy's belated birthday at Eastin Hotel! Someone gave us free tickets for buffet. Yay!! Bleah,finger still hurts.What a day,what a day! Though someone made my day. And yes,Justina,thanks for calling me kor kor.I feel so much 'younger' now.Haha,but thanks for making my day.You're a doll! =)
Lets hope tonight's cell will be awesome.Not to mention I won't be going to Genting's for the whole trip,though we might be going just for a 1 day trip to the theme park! =( Have a good weekend everyone.Peace out!
-Matt-
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Her name kept ringing in my head.I recalled the last words that was said to me,the words that now tormented me.Though I hated to admit it,I did to a certain extent feel a slight amount of jealousy.Yet,to my own amazement,my stubbornness,and probably my better judgement in this situation had the better of me.
Everytime,there is this inner voice,that tells me,the best thing for her right now,is for you to be there for her when she needs you.Yes,it hurt when everytime,it wasn't about me,it was about someone else.Nevertheless,the decision to be there was a decision I made on my own.It was not about how I felt,it was about how I could help,how I could be there for her when she needs me.
Controlling one's emotions are the hardest thing to do.As if it isn't hard enough,its terrible when your feelings overwhelm you.There is a saying that goes something like, "The worse way to miss someone,is sitting right beside them,and knowing you can't have them." Life's unpredictability bring it all into far more complication than a single soul can handle.
As I read through the messages over and over again,I can't help but feel a certain degree of hurt,as I realize,I could never own this heart that I seeked to conquer.It was like a scenario,where a key is given to you,but only if you can reach it,which in this case,is the key to unlocking the gates that stood before me,and taking hold of this heart that I now considered to be impossible to obtain.
Yes,its true,I've never had any expectations.I put myself into this dillema.I decided in my head,that I was just gonna be there for her,even if I could never obtain this key that I wanted so badly.I guess being there,cheering her up,and just making her smile again is more than I can ask for.I never expected anything anyway.It was with this sense of pride,that I could be there,to pick her up,to bring her through life's challenges,and ultimately,to be the person who she confides in.
Yet,somehow,I must now put away all expectations,and just be who I am suppose to be to her,and not who I want to be to her.Its no child's play.It hurts to know that whatever it is,I'll just be a friend.It somehow had a soothing effect,that though I couldn't be the guy of her dreams,I could be the one who's there for her,cause after all,seeing the other person happy is what matters most.
Satisfied being just as a friend to her?Never...but I enjoy just being there for her.No further thoughts has crossed my mind.I expect nothing else,cause I know,her heart,has been taken.As long as you're happy,I am for ya.Its seeing you smile that matters,more than anything else.For now,I'm just glad to be,your friend...
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Hello peeps.Just felt like writing out some stuff,just cause I haven't been blogging.Its been a while since I blogged.I have an important announcement to make. *Drum roll* Ahem ahem,MY FINALS ARE FINALLY OVER,AND ITS A 2 WEEK BREAK FOR ME!!
Haha,oh yeah.Just finished my Econs today.Turns out,it was the worse.Spent nearly an hour on the last section.Screw that,its over! Went for lunch after that at Old Asia Cafe in 1U! Haha,we went there in such a big group,that they had no place.So we had to sit outside. No air-con.Sadz...Its the 3rd consecutive time I've been to 1U in 3 days! Gosh,it has become my 2nd home. Haha...
Had a good time! Then we went for bowling.Oh yeah.Also had football after that.Been a long day,but oh yeah,it was fun.Released tension. =P Haha...now contemplating whether I should go to Genting for the class trip.Sounds like fun.Haha...
Hmm,nothing else to blog about though its been a while.Thats cause everyday also same thing,exam exam and exam.Now its holiday holiday and holiday! Yay! Also received the schedule for Semester 2.Crap,now off days are on Mondays.I liked it on Fridays better.
=( But we'll be having HR subjects next Sem. Cool,my favourite.
Well,planning to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 by this holiday.Must watch it!! Okay,I'm done.I'm bored.Gonna go play some games,and chill.Peace out peeps.Have a good week!
-Matt-
Monday, July 24, 2006
Hi dear peeps and faithful readers of Matt's blog.Just made a decision to quit blogging everyday.Its just too tiresome sometimes,and well,I won't be a regular,but will still blog,occasionally. =) Came to this decision,cause I'm afraid when I get too emo sometimes,I may say stuff that I don't mean to,and offend people.[You know who you are,sorry...=( ] Going through 2 months of recuperating,recovering,and rehabilitation sucked.There was just so much to the process,and the condition of the heart was broken.Well,so much for all that.I'm just glad,cause this is the end of all that pain and suffering and torment.Not to mention those sleepless nights,teary eyes,thoughts of sadness,depression,loneliness,and just that longing.I'm glad,cause its all gone.
Anyway,didn't have the chance to blog yesterday.This would be my 61st post.So fast! Yeah,and that day,I just noticed that I've reached 300 testimonials on my friendster(Congratulations to me...=P)So yeah,I've reached a milestone.Hmm...well,so far,the weekend's been great,though rather tiring.Asides from the movie on Saturday,I was out the whole of yesterday.
Had a great worship service(Worship Explosion rocks!).It was just excellent.Was so much refreshed after that.Yeah,and we all got to jump(Finally...=.=")This is a start of a revolution,I believe,that will sweep throughout HCC! Haha...We'll get everyone to jump,soon.Hmm...but yeah,my leg ached after that,and we straightaway took off for S.A.L.T. concert right after youth.
Hmm...unfortunately,we saved our voices and stamina for the concert,but turned out,all the bands sang their own songs,so we couldn't really jump along and all.Barney was probably the most energetic guy in the whole of the concert.He was constantly jumping,though he didn't know the songs,haha.But meeting up with Sean and all,it was really good.
The journey there was fun!Haha,we all ended up trying to me Malaysian Idol wanna-be's.We went crazy in Sarah's car,singing along to the songs. =P It was fun.Yes,and as usual,I was made the scapegoat to why we were late,cause apparently,I took too long to shower and to do my hair while we were in Sean's place! (I only took 2 minutes on my hair,maybe less!!)
Hmm...the most surprising thing was,the concert wasn't as big as we thought it would be,haha.Yes,but the loud music certainly made it all worth it.My eyes were constantly on the drummers! =) They were really good!! Oh,and Altered Frequency were excellent as well,and we're having them over for our youth concert on the Sept 2!! So cool!
Just came back from college,after finishing my accounts exam!Today's the 1st day of my finals! Crap! Gotta study like mad tonight.Oh,and by the way,sorry Karmen cause I couldn't talk to ya today.Was just about to go into the examination hall,and yeah,obviously we have to off our handphones,so yeah,sorry cause I didn't reply. =)
But anyway,accounts wasn't that bad,except for the theory questions.Hmm...ah,almost forgot.1 of my wishes on my wishlist has came true.So I took it off already.Yesterday was exactly 2 months since a life changing event took place in my life,and yeah,I believe,after that long 2 months that seemed like eternity,and I thought it would never end,might finally have ended.
Right now,I'm clueless still,to why it happened,or why I deserved it,but well,its time to look to the present and the future,and stop clinging on to the past.What I did learn is,that when all hope seems lost,and nothing seems to go right,when you don't see the light in the tunnel,when you're hoping for something that doesn't come your way,reevaluate whether its a possibility.If its not,just give up.No use waiting for something that won't happen.Let go,and let God!
Well,its been 1 heck of a journey.No doubt,I'll never forget it.The most painful and lowest moments in my life,buried,but still there as a constant reminder,to be careful with the choices you make,and to think through it over and over again.I've successfully ridden my camel! =P
Oh,and I wanna thank all those people who's been there for me while I was going through those times of depression.My parents,of course.Chris,Sarah,Linda,Khye-Ren,Ashley.There are just too many to name,but this are the major group of people,that I can remember.Sorry,but I know there are a lot more people I should thank,and to those who've helped me through this,you guys are the best.You know who you are.Of course,the biggest applause goes to My Heavenly Father,who's never let me down,and was always there for me.Thanks Daddy! You're always there when I needed ya,though it may seem you were far away at times. =)
Guess that'll be all peeps.All the best to those of you taking your exams.Happy studying.Cheers.Peace out!Oh,and here you go Kel Li.You wanted a bigger font,haha.
-Matt-
PS: I just feel like saying this to a certain person. ******,you're an idiot for letting go of her.I'm just sorry she wasted her love on you,and you never gave it back.You're a jerk!She still won't let you go.You lucky ass,and you don't appreciate it.JERK!!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Hold up, let me answer my phone
Some bitch callin me about some bullshit probably
I'ma call you right back
I'm doin' this mixtape right now
Now back to what I was sayin
Somebody said they saw you
The person you were kissing wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
Oh baby
I think about it when I hold you
When lookin in your eyes, I can't believe
I don't need to know the truth
Baby keep it to yourself
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
Did he touch you better than me (touch you better than me)
Did he watch you fall asleep (watch you fall asleep)
Did you show him all those things that you used to do to me (do to me baby)
If your better off that way (better off that way)
Baby what I like to say (all that I can say)
Go on and do your thing and don't come back to me(Stay away from me baby)
I don't wanna know where your whereabouts or how you movin
I know when you in the house or when you cruisin
It's been proven, my love you abusin
I can't understand, how a man got you choosin (yeah)
Undecided, I came and provided
My undivided, you came and denied it (why?)
Don't even try it, I know when you lyin (I know when you lyin)
Don't even do that, I know why you cryin (stop cryin)
I'm not applyin no pressure, just wanna let you know
That I don't wanna let you go (I don't wanna let you go)
And I don't wanna let you leave
Can't say I didn't let you breathe
Gave you extra G's (c'mon), put you in the SUV
You wanted ice so I made you freeze
Made you hot like the West Indies (that's right)
Now it's time you invest in me
Cause if not then it's best you leave
Holla, yeah
I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
If you're playin' me, keep it on the low
Cause my heart can't take it anymore
And if your creepin, please don't let it show
Oh baby, I don't wanna know
"I Don't Wanna Know" by Mario Winans Ft. P Diddy
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Hmm...Just came back from 1U.Went there to catch a movie with Khye-Ren and Yi Ping.Watched Just My Luck.The movie wasn't that bad.It was kinda awkward though.Cause its like 1st time meeting up with Yi Ping,and Khye-Ren didn't know like what to do,but it turned out okay.Glad to have finally met up with Yi Ping,and Khye-Ren as well.Promised to go out with her so long already.Today finally managed to go out.
It was nice going out,no matter who it is.It was good catching up with Khye-Ren.She seemed pretty okay today.She must have enjoyed herself at the swimming gala(I know why...=P).Yi Ping seemed a bit lost.In the end,we had a nice chat over ice-cream at McD after the movie.Talked about memories and stuff.Sad...We all faced the same problem.Life's friggin unfair...
They're both nice girls,but they got unfair treatment.Sad sad...You both deserve better.Enough of sad stuff.Disheartening to hear of such stuff.Wish the both of you all the best.Thanks for your company.Really needed it and appreciated it.Hmm...today's gonna be tiring.Gotta study later.Drats...Accounts paper on Monday.Hmm...Gotta go.
PS:Sorry Khye-Ren about the confusion and all.My bad.Will make it up to you. =(
-Matt-
Friday, July 21, 2006
Does the title sound familiar?Ever heard Simple Plan's "Still Not Getting Any?" Well,its exactly what it says.So you think you're all big shots now?Doesn't mean that I'm your friend,and I'm being nice to you and all,you can push me around.You think being mistreated is nice?Think again!! I could say more,but I'm not like you.I don't wanna hurt your feelings.I'm too nice for that.
There are times,when there's nothing else you can say.Ever had the feeling that everyone else hates you?That everything you do fail to reach up to its standards?That you're never good enough?That whatever you do,is bound to be screwed up?Well,all I can say is,I don't care anymore.I'm tired of being nice.I'm tired of being a friend who's always there,but when I needed you,there was not even a trace of you.I'm tired of being mistreated.
Life is unfair,isn't it?The nice people in this world,don't seem to get what they deserve.On the contrary,they get the worst possible treatment there is.If thats the price of being nice,I'm sick and tired of it.It almost makes me think,that being nice just isn't worth it anymore.If being nice means being taken advantage of,then I quit.Suddenly,the possibility of turning into a jerk seems like a reality.Maybe I should be selfish.Maybe I should be self-centered.
It friggin hurts when you're on the losing side.It sucks when you're disappointed.But you know what?I've been hit with the worst hurts I can ever take,so I'm used to it.Maybe I'll always be hated,and never loved.Maybe I'll always be disappointed,frustrated,and let down.But after enduring what I have in the past,getting hurt is a routine.I dare say,that none of you can ever be hurt the way I was.
It seems,that I'll always be on the end where I'll get hurt.Its no biggie.After all,everyone enjoys hurting me.This all seems like minor hurts,but deep inside,I know it has cut and sliced into my already broken heart.There are just so many 'knives' and 'daggers' sticking out of my heart now,that it looks more like a pin-cushion.It might even seem like a porcupine.I don't recognize it anymore.
Feels like everyone's out to hurt me.Everyone's out to desert me.Everyone's out to push me around.I'm sick and tired of it.Life is unfair,but then again,whoever said it was?Maybe its some kind of testing of faith?Maybe its suppose to build my character.Whatever it is,it sucks when everyone is against me,and everything I do,is screwed up.I don't even know who are my friends anymore.
I don't even know,where I'm headed anymore.I wonder what its like to hurt someone so bad?I can only wonder,cause I just can't bear hurting people.Even the slightest thought of offending someone,makes me lose my sleep.What kinda crap is that?As if it was a tsunami,1 wave after another hits me.Before I can stand up,another wave hits me.When you're at the weakest point in your life,it takes a turn for the worst.Just when I needed friends,I can't find any.Makes me wonder,what the heck did I do wrong?
The good news is,I've accepted that I guess I have to put up with it.Maybe I'll always be hurt,let down,frustrated,disappointed and deserted in life.I'll take it as a character building process.Maybe everyone will always be against me.It doesn't matter anymore.It doesn't even matter when anyone cares anymore.How would I know you're just pretending to be that caring person that you are,when deep down inside,you're thinking to yourself, "What a pathetic loser!Just a small matter,and he's acting like a baby."
How would I know that?I wouldn't,would I?So screw y'all.If I never was worth your friendship,then maybe I should start evaluating who are my real friends,and who are the one's who're faking it.Lets see.Current scoreline.Best friends = unknown? Friends = unknown? Enemies = Infinity? Maybe I'm exaggerating.Maybe I have friends.But whats the use of friends,who just claim the title as 'my friend' but are never really there for me.
Of course 1 would say,that friends should never be expected too much of.True,I only expect from those deemed as best friends.But right now,I don't know where any of you who claim to be my friend stand at all.I'm not even sure if I have any left.So screw it.I'm gonna have to get used to it.
Go ahead.Live your lives.If I meant anything to you as a friend,I don't think it matters now.After all,I'm not even worthy to be called your friend.I was never up to your standards.So screw it.Its me against the world...
I wonder what its like to be like you,
To never really care how bad it hurts,
So go ahead and lie and,
Keep moving on,
Its all about yourself and,
You're never wrong,
I watched you crash and burn.
A section of "Crash and Burn" by Simple Plan.
Maybe, I'm just not good enough for you
And maybe, I just don't wanna be like you
And maybe I just don't wanna know
How low you're ready to go
I'm not gonna change, you can't make me, WHOA
[Chorus]
You don't, You don't, You don't, You don't
You don't mean anything to me [x2]
You're what I never wanna be
Tell me, does it feel good to be like you
And tell me, why should I waste my time with you
Cuz maybe you always bring me down
And I'm sick of being pushed around
I'm not gonna change, you can't make me, WHOA
[Chorus]
I know you think you know me
You don't know anything
I know you wanna help me
I don't need anything
Don't tell me where to go
I don't need you to know
You don't, you don't, you dont, you don't
You don't mean anything to me
You don't you dont, you don't, you don't
You don't me anything to me
[Chorus]
You Don't Mean Anything To Me by Simple Plan.
-Matt-
Thursday, July 20, 2006
As I sat there,covered in my deepest and darkest thoughts,surrounded by unfamiliarity,humbled by unworthyness,crushed by malicious thoughts,and screwed by my own feelings,I held a key in my hand,the key to opening the door that now stood before me.It was a door,that I have never thought of opening,till now.I mean,who wouldn't in my position,move on,for a better life.
But no,not me.You see,the mind works differently from the heart.However,the mind is often controlled by emotions,which the heart masterminds and controls,to do its bidding.Emotions,is the language of the heart.I've made up my mind to utilize the key that I have in my hand,but due to my emotions,I have been controlled by its menacing hold upon me.I longed to carry on,and forget the past,but my heart says "No!" Thus,I have been punished,and I lay a foothold in the past,not wanting,to walk through that door,simply for this reason.
Its because,my heart clings on to a hope,that has long faded away.Logically,one would push aside such dreams,and move on,but no,not my heart.Its too late now.I'm already in the biggest mess of my life.No doubt about that.Now,coming out seems the hardest thing to do.No amount of reasoning and pleading could get me out of this mess that I've gotten myself into.
Sometimes,I wonder,why it has to be like this?More than ever,what lays in front of me,amazes me.My heart has been hit with the worst kind of pain.Now,all I see are rows and rows of steel walls surrounding the very centre of my being.It has covered itself with some sort of a protection.Now,its self-defence mechanism has been activated,and no amount of weaponry or armoury in the world can pierce through it,but only the thing that has hurt me the most.
What's the use then if it can be pierced by the very thing its protecting itself from?The answer,I believe,that the only thing that can pierce it,is not the current pain now,but in future,when it happens to me again,that strange wonderful feeling.A feeling that has unleashed its magnificent side,as well,as its dark side,which now haunts me and taken me into its grasp,locked behind its self-made prison.
In a world where nothing makes sense,the best way to deal with hurt,is to protect yourself from the 1 thing that you care about the most.It is now,that I recall a phrase,that Bill Gates,the most richest and successful human on this place we call planet Earth. "Life is unfair,get used to it." Never has it crossed my mind that life can treat you with its most ill-fated treatment,that nothing seems to be fair.For 1,I have never experienced its devastating effects,till now...
Who can argue that life is fair?I dare you to tell me that you think life is fair.Twisted fates,tragedies of "could have been",ill-fortunes that never should have happened to so many people.You name it,there are so many reasons why life is unfair.You know what keeps me alive?The very fact that nothing is fair,except the God I believe in.He is in control of everything.
In a world of chaos and rules that exist,but are not taken heed to,I have something to believe in.I can name you so many times that I've felt like there's nothing worth living for.Everything I do,doesn't seem to match up to standards.I used to think,I'm a BIG failure,but what I've learned,is this.I may be the BIGGEST failure and loser on this planet,and I won't deny that,but I thank God,that He sees me as a success.Thats all that matters.
Even right now,as I have finally built a fortress of inpenetrable walls of steel around the 1 thing that controls my emotions,where nothing can enter,I know for a fact,that 1 day,it will once again be broken down by the very same reason why I built this fortress to protect me from all the hurts in the world.While I am still recuperating and recovering from this big piece of shit that I've fallen into,I know for a fact,that I will only recover,when I've fully been able to die to myself,and to hit it right into the very epicentre of all this jumbled up emotions,that its time,to open the door,and walk through.
It is a painful decision.Everything in me tells me,that I should hold on,and cling on to,this simple hope,that has never wavered even when battered against the storm of despair and doubts.However,against my so called 'better judgement',this time,I know for sure,that the longer I stay,the thicker the walls get,the worst the pain gets,the more depressed I will become,and ultimately,I'll end up living the process of self-destruction.
As I opened this door,that has so long evaded me,I close my eyes,as I can't bear to look into it.It seems like I've left myself behind in the past,because of its loyalty,and the hope that it still clings on to.But I know,walking through this door,there's no better time,than this.I don't know if I'll make it through.I've an inkling that it won't do me much more harm or damage,than what's already been done.
Just as in a battle,there's this struggle within me.A struggle so fierce,its reached its peak within moments of beginning.True,that this could be the most painful decision I've ever made in life,but I don't wanna cling on to a false hope,a hope that has diminished and dimmed to such a small glimmer,that I know,the longer I hope and expect and wait,the more painful its gonna be.Its just waiting for the right time to mislead me,and then *poof* it disappears.A lost hope...
If 'expecting' kills,you should see what 'hoping' does to you.Right now,I gotta kill the very thing thats holding me back.I gotta break down the defences surrounding the heart.My heart may refuse to let go of this hope,but my mind says,its time to let go.No use hoping in something,that has virtually little,or no chance of rekindling itself.For now,my mind seems stronger.
Weakened down by the terrible pain that it has endured,not to mention reaching breakdown point and coming out of it,it is indeed at the weakest state it has ever been.Therefore,there is no better time than now,to take this step,and walk through the door,that seems to be the only exit out.I only feel sorry for my heart,that has been broken down,time and time and again.It has endured much pain,and has finally reached its current state,where it doesn't deserve to be in.
Even right now,its telling me,how much it wants to stay back,and linger in whatever hope may be left.I may have no choice,but to abandon it in the past,and just take the next step,without it.I can't afford to have it slowing me down,and hindering me,from going through the door.But right now,I'll do everything within my power,to bring my heart along with me.It is a battle that I believe,my mind will triumph.It is now or never...
I end this post with a quote,and a poem that I composed,which I believe,sums up my entire post,even as I walk through the door of the present,and the future.
"Never dwell in the past,or you'll miss the present and the future."
Though sorrow and depression may be more than I can take,
And there's a sense of loneliness and sadness in me that I cannot fake,
I won't lose my present and my future,by dwelling and hoping on the past,
For only in God will I hope and put my trust,for He gives me peace that will last.
-Matt-
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
As the title suggests,what does come 1st in your life?What are your priorities?Hehe,the reason for this discussion?Its cause I've been reading "The Purpose Driven Life." I've reached chapter 17 now.But I read a really really good part of the book in chapter 16,and it starts rather interestingly. "Life is all about love." Came back from SS2 just now with mum.Took a picture of this signboard with the funny caption on it.
Hehe.I'm free now,so I'm gonna summarize what I've read.Basically,the chapter speaks about putting relationships 1st in life and learning how to love in life,cause God has given us the entire lifetime to learn how to love.Just look at it this way,when you're on your deathbed,and you're about to breathe your last,you won't ask for your diploma's,your degree's,your car keys,or anything else in the world,except to see your loved one's.
What's the point of working your ass out your whole life,neglecting your relationships,whether be it with God,your family,your friends when in the end,its those friendships that you're suppose to treasure the most,especially those in your spiritual family,for they are the one's,who'll last forever.I've learned that we must learn how to love unselfishly,no matter how irritating,how annoying,how retarded,or how incredibly stupid some people can be,love has to be shown,for it is the main focus,life is about.
There are 3 important truth's I've learned from the book.
THE BEST USE OF LIFE IS LOVE
There is no other meaning to life,then love.Its by learning how to love,first God,and then other people,that we truly have lived our lives the way it should be.3 subthemes? Life without love is really worthless.Sometimes,we squeeze in relationships only when we have the time for it.But life is short,and time can never be earned back.So love while you still can.Use this equation. [Life-love=0] =P They even teach maths in the book.How interesting.
Love will last forever. Who can deny it?Its the only thing besides hope and peace that will last forever.Love is the greatest among these 3.In the end,its not what you've earned that you'll bring up there,but its your character,and your love for Him,that will last forever.
We will be evaluated on our love. This I believe is a very important truth.God will ask us not for our back accounts,or how many cars we have,how many titles we have,how much money we've made,but instead,he'll ask us how we've treated others,especially those in need. "The only thing that counts is faith in expressing itself through love."
THE BEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE IS TIME
The best you can ever give is not money,or material things,but it is the TIME that has been given.Love isn't what we give,or what we provide for others,but how much we give of ourselves.Love concentrates so intently on another,that you forget yourself at that moment.By giving your time,you're actually giving a part of you,that can never be taken back. "You can give without loving,but you cannot love without giving." Love is all about sacrificing for the other,basically,being unselfish.
THE BEST TIME TO LOVE IS NOW
It is indeed the best time to love,for life is short,and we'll never know when circumstances will change.People die.Children grow up.Tomorrow holds no guarantees.The best use of life is love.The best expression of love is time.The best time to love is now.
I'll end with this beautiful verse. "No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. (1 Corinthians 13:3b) Written by the apostle Paul himself. =)
Hehe.I've learned a lot from this chapter.Hopefully,it'll apply to all of you who are reading this.It made me realize once again,that nothing else really matters,but the people around you.It made me realize,that I gotta learn how to love God,and consequently love others.
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As for my day,had a relatively ok day.Hardly studied.Haha...probably gonna study later on tonight.Sigh,was suppose to go out tonight with Linda to watch "Just my Luck," but then,no tickets.So I managed to pull out of serving this week.I don't know how to play percussions anyway.So this Saturday,no practise. =) Hehe...so we're going out for the movie this Saturday.
I get to fulfill my promise to Khye-ren.Haha,promised to watch with her Just my luck.=P Maybe we'll watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2 after that as well.Kill 2 birds with 1 stone.Yay! So cool! Haha...The only thing is I wanted to go out tonight.Oh well...that means gotta study more throughout the week. Sadz...
This is what the signboard said. "You have taken my car park,please take along my disability." Haha...we were parked on the spot for disabled people,only for a short while though.Lolz...it was hilarious.Did I mentioned that Simple Plan rocks?Took out their album today,"Still Not Getting Any" and was listening to them.Missed their songs so bad.Haha...Oh well,that'll be all.Gotta help mum with the ironing. =) Cheers.Peace out!
-Matt-
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
For You I Will
Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyesLike a water bed
Do I seem familiar, I've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you
If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room
I would
That's what I'd do,
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
To get through to you
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
-Teddy Geiger-
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What's Left of Me
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
Yeah...
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me
I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still
It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head
Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
-Nick Lachey-
Monday, July 17, 2006
For a day that looked as just another weekday,turned out to be $#!+. Well,you get what I mean.I was hoping I wouldn't be down in the dumps.I was alright.Its just a on and off thing.The Devil's trying to make my life a living hell.Giving me all kinds of nasty thoughts.Hmm...but well,I gotta fight back.Probably I need to pray more.Get outta my head!!I don't need you messing around my head,with my thoughts. Hmm...Just woke up from a rather nice nap.Starting to hate this naps though.Oversleep a bit,and you feel extra tired.Listening to the whole list of Fall Out Boy songs I could find.You guys are still the best.Cheered me up.And my mind ain't thinking anymore,for the moment.Received a sms that day,and it was rather funny.Don't know if it was a joke,but this is how it went. What would I do without music?What would I do without Fall Out Boy?I know what to do if I start to think too much like earlier on.Unnecessary thoughts that waste up my time,as well as worries me,and not to mention puts me in the worst possible mood.Though I have to say,their song names are rather hilarious.Haha. Hmm...Later gotta study again.Don't know what to do till then.Still waiting for Linda to tell me when she's free.Khye-Ren can't go out except weekends.As much as I wanna go out with her,but then,this Saturday got practise. =( Probably gonna be on a weekday,since this week is my study leave.Only thing I'm worried about,is that there's so much free time,and I might go into this relapse every single day.Pray pray pray. Oh yeah,have to serve this week for the worship explosion.Know what that means?No break!Lolz...That would mean I would be serving in all 5 weeks this month.Haha.Another amazing record.Gonna be tiring.Gotta start practising for the youth concert as well.Already have my songs.Shouldn't be a problem.Hmm... Well,may you guys have a better week than me. =) Cheers.Peace out!
Sigh...did my fair share of driving today.It was nice.But my thoughts are really bugging me.Gotta seriously consider banging my head on the wall.Its just 1 of those days,where you were doing really fine 1 moment,and the next,your thoughts just hit you down like a wave of immense force.Then there's this reassuring thoughts that fight on my behalf,but seemingly,victory is short-lived.
I hate holidays,with nothing to do.It is a good rest,mind you.Basically,when there's nothing to do during your holidays,whats there to do?A word of advice.To all emo freaks out there,and to people who daydream and think a lot,never EVER leave your mind free for even a moment.The mind is a powerful tool indeed.It can either make you,or break you.In the hands of the Enemy,the mind is in the worst possible situation.
I should seriously consider finding some other stuff to do,or maybe,look through other future prospects and possibilities.Its just mind blowing,how far the mind can wander.At times,my body is where its suppose to be,but I'm out 'travelling'.It makes no sense.I need to do something.I need my best friend.Linda,where are you?I still don't want to burden you,cause everytime we talk,I always seem to make you carry my burdens.
Chris,I need your prayers!I seriously feel down for no apparent reason.This is too much for me to handle.Yet,I don't dare to go to anyone,simply because my phone bill has shot up tremendously.Dad will kill me if the bill continues at this rate.Does anyone care?Does anyone give a damn?Aren't my friends suppose to be there for me?Where are you?What happened to the part where you show concern and find out whats wrong?
Is there anyone at all who can hear me?God,where are You?I need you so bad.I need someone to lean on.Someone who can guarantee,a 24/7 listening ear.Where are You?It may seem like You're far away,I know You're not,but this thoughts don't look like they're gonna go away.Please,help me.I don't even know why I should be feeling like this.Moments ago,I was fine.
Why doesn't anyone care?Am I meant to be without a friend?Am I meant to be lonely?Is it true,that even the best of friends can never be there for you 24/7 when you need them?Its times like these,when friends are most needed,and you can never seem to find any.Someone to keep me company.Someone to talk to.I guess,it is true then.True friends are hard to find.I've yet to find mine.I may have found many friends,but where's my true friend?
Maybe all I need is a good nap.Maybe all I need is someone to talk to.Don't we all need someone to be there when we don't feel too good?I'm waiting for that friend...
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Definitely feeling better now.It really is an on and off thing.The Devil must be working overtime.Guess that prayer before my nap really helped.Hmm...maybe another mistake was hearing Kelly Clarkson's songs.Never hear sad songs.They'll totally kill you.But for what's worth,Beautiful Disaster is a nice song,just too sad to hear sometimes.I love Breakaway as well,but its just not worth hearing and feel all sad for nothing,especially when you're an emo person.Haha.