Thursday, June 29, 2006
As I opened my window,and glance upon the starry night sky,I felt a slight chill.As the night breeze came along,I just stood there,and enjoyed the cooling effect it brought upon me.As I sat there,it happened all over again.Thoughts started to reel through my mind. "Oh no,not again," was the thought that came to my mind.As my mind burst into acceleration,I went through the painful memories all over again.
I could do nothing,as I just sat there,and allowed my mind to run free,and,it was killing me,slowly.As I tried to change the focue of my mind,it ended up in futile,as I just sat in horror.There they were again,the same memories that haunted me.Over and over again,my mind went through a journey,a journey to the utter most deepest part of
me,the heart.A place,so demoralizing,that it hurt just to enter in.
I couldn't help,but I felt down again.It was just painful,as I quietly sat there,and hoped for it to be over.Though I have managed to put somewhat of a blockage around it,the "No Entry" sign seemed meaningless,as I seemingly went into the state of helplessness.It seemed my mind was a playground,or a replica of it.It was a complete utter mess as I fought against my will,to enter.
I had once told myself,never to enter in.Deleting the painful memories seemed like a mountain to climb.As I contemplated what to do,I had no choice,but to allow my mind to roam into my sub-conscience mind.As I prepared myself to go through the path before me,I just sat there,and let the memories soak me.It triggered off the 'weak' part of me.The pitiful character,that I cage inside me,was being let loose everytime I entered into the memories that I kept in me.
As I suffered in silence,it ended at a rather slow pace.Though the 'ordeal' had ended,the memories that I had delved into remained in my head.I couldn't help it,but it stayed there,ready to cause me further misery.All I could do was pray for it to go away.If it wasn't for the constant encouragement I was receiving,I would have reached the stage of breakdown point.Glad for it to be all over,it somehow brought up the memories that I had tried to block.
Whenever I travelled on this journey,when I went into a relapse,though I make it through,it was not over.The worst was yet to come,as the memories will be rekindled,and I have to fight an even longer period of time.As the memories reached my mind,it moved on to consuming my mind,with depression,and sadness.The journey,was the mere beginning,as I would suffer from the memories,which I had tried to imprison,but as it broke through the barrier I had put around my heart,and proceeded to my mind,it was impossible to stop its march towards my mind.
Even so,as I live my life on an everyday basis,I know that,it would be a matter of time,before I finally manage,to imprison,and to throw away the key to these memories forever.Seems like an eternity before anything happens.In the mean time,I'll just have to live with it,knowing,that I have fought the good fight of faith.I need to finish the race triumphantly,and not to let this seemingly impossible mountain to climb,hinder me in any way.
As I looked up once again at the night sky I made a wish,upon the night star,once again,a seemingly different wish,as I now go on my grave journey,on the road,to recovery...
Done by -Matt-
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Ever wondered how complicated the mind is?The mind's a powerful tool.Though there are many good things that come out of the mind,for example,the imagination,but the mind,has its own freedom,free to travel,free to wander,not to mention,it has the potential to corrupt and pollute the entire being,just cause,we can't control it.Sigh...
Anywayz,was just sitting in class,listening to the lecture,when my friend was fooling around.Sometimes I wonder to myself, "How did I get to mix with this kinda guys?" My friend's really amusing to watch,but then,I can't help but think to myself,why he's so childish sometimes?Not to say I'm overmatured,but there are times,I just feel like I take things more seriously.This could be bad,I know,but then,does that mean I'm overmatured for my age just cause I think too deep sometimes?
Bleah,my mind is wandering again.This is getting a bit too serious.Anyway,had a rather okay day.Though I was a lil mad at my dad earlier on for throwing away the Tokyo Drift car sticker that I got from the cinema's that day,but,thankfully,I'm not that angry anymore.Hmm...Had lunch dilemma again,like we always do everyday.So,I set a new personaly record for myself.4 times to 1U,in 3 consecutive days.Amazing isn't it?Ate at Burger King for lunch.
And had a nice short time of drama practise.Its getting better,so far.Next week's the last week.Oh crap.Stress!We haven't perfected it yet.Have Econs assignment over the weekends to do,as well as English and Business Maths exams to study for.Finals are less than a month away,excluding the weekly assessments that we have.Stress,stress and more STRESS as we enter the last few weeks of our 1st semester.How time flies.
Manage to find a quiet spot in college too,with a view of the field.Its just nice to go somewhere alone,and just get lost in your thoughts,though I have to admit,I don't really like what goes on in my mind now,as you can clearly see.Can't fit in with anyone,as in,finding a best friend,someone close who I can trust.No offence,but the guys that I hang out with,are nice guys,but maybe I'm a bit like ermm....a deep thinker?Or maybe just a level higher in terms of my priorities and maturity,though I still have a lot of growing up to do.
Sigh...bummer.Hence,the perfectly lousy feeling of loneliness has crept it.I think I've lost all my best friends.Now I'm left with 1 or 2 peeps that I consider good friends,and they're not even in college.Friends are friends.Friends can never be best of buddies.They can never take the place of a best friend.Just no one who I can sincerely even categorize,as a potential 'best buddy' candidate in college.None at all.
Really can't wait to finish my foundation year and go into degree year,but who knows?I might change my mind by then?Made a good friend or 2?Friends are easy to find.Best friends,are really like shooting stars.Rarely is there a friend that'll be there for you all the time.Friends sometimes,just aren't there for you like a best friend is.They'll just be there for you,if its convenient for them to be there for you.
Worship Team Gathering has been postponed.What a bother!Now we'll have even less time to practise for the youth concert,but we'll see how everything goes.We might even start right this week.Just gotta pray and think what song to choose.Just finished burning all the latest UNITED Live album's,as well as the latest PlanetShakers album entitled "Pick It Up." Gonna lend to some people in church.
Tomorrow there's extra classes,but I can't make it,cause of my piano class.Darn,I'm gonna miss Econs.Missing 1 lesson of that,is like missing an entire week of syllabus for any other subject.Hard to understand if I don't go for the lecture,but it can't be helped.Just heard news that poor baby Dylan is down,possibly with Dengue Fever.Lets hope not.Gotta really pray for him.I saw him just 2 days ago,and he was healthy back then.Pray,pray,pray.
Anyway,tomorrow's my off day.Might possibly spend time doing the stupid Econs assignment.Bleah.Hate this kinda stuff.Reminds me of add maths project in high school.Hmm,think I'll turn in early tonight.Need to catch up on sleep.Really really tired.That'll be all peeps.Have a good weekend.Peace out!
Signing out,
-Matt-