Monday, June 19, 2006
I blinked my eye in disbelief as I sat there with the half-eaten chocolate in my hand.It was a strange sensation,as I pondered and tried to regain my senses.How could something that tasted so sweet,turned so bitter all of a sudden?The chocolate bar that had once given me the sensational adrenalin rush,now turned out to be everything not so nice,the very nature of a taste,that kills all your senses.
As I threw it down,onto the floor in disgust,emotions stirred up within me.Hatred,anger consumed my very being.As I looked at it,I realized,there was still something,inside me,that wanted to risk it all,just having 1 more bite.I've tried many a times to throw it away,but I looked at myself in disgust,unable to throw it all out,and forever turn my eyes away.
For what seemed like eternity,just the thought,of savouring that once sweet chocolate,haunted and tormented me to the very depths of my soul.In a state of confusion,I wanted,to give up.Then,1 fine morning,rushing about my daily errands,I came across,the most beautiful of wrappers,that seemed to contain the finest tasting chocolate in the world,or so it seemed from the outside.
Without hesitating,I took an instant immediate liking,and I took the liberty of the free samples.As I took,my 1st bite,that same feeling of excitement,came back again.I've forgotten how good chocolate tasted.With squeals and shrieks of delight,I savoured the taste,but as the saying goes,"All good things must come to an end." It finished within moments.There was a sudden craving within me. "I must have more," was the thought that ran through my head.
However,for some unlogical reason,I couldn't help,but have a sudden longing for the 1 that tasted so bitter.Why do I even go there? "I have something new to enjoy," was the thought that went through my head.And yet,it all threatened to fall apart again.Who knows how long this joy and satisfaction will last?Should I even dare to dream further?Should I even go the extra mile,to put my taste buds to the test?Who knows if it might turn bitter once more,just like the 1st time,which caused utter heartbreak?
The very same circumstances threaten to repeat itself,as I thought further.Maybe it won't ever go that far?Maybe I should risk it all again,and put everything on the line.With its possible benefits,comes the possibility,of another disappointment.Maybe it'll solve the past disappointments,but do I even want to risk it all?As I ponder upon this questions,I wait in silence,not wanting to make anymore mistakes,as all I can do is wait,as everything around me comes into focus,on that life-changing decision...
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Its true isn't it?Once bitten,twice shy?Anyway,its been terribly tiring,to say the least.Though the alarm was set,I woke up at 6.30.Just like the night before,I sobbed tears,tears that never seemed to stop.However,decided to get up,because,after all,it was a new day.
College only begun at 11am.So,I read the book my mum lent to me,entitled "How to Deal with Your Broken Heart?" by Susan Tang.It hit me real hard,when I read the 1st chapter,and I realized,that I've been living in the Devil's lies.The 1st being the lie that I have made something or someone else,my "Ultimate Reference Point" in which my whole life was based upon.I realized,that I was guilty of idolatry.
The 2nd lie,had equally the same devastating effect,to never experience that joy again.I won't mention in details,but those of you who are close to me,will know what I'm talking about.A commitment I made,after experiencing the trauma,and the lowest point of my life,a commitment I know resent,and to know,that it was a wrong thing to do.
Immediately,conviction came to my heart,and I repented,there and then.Realize,that only God could be the "Ultimate Reference Point" in my life.This was,the 1st chapter.Was so 'into' the book,that I read further.It was just an overwhelming experience,that someone else,understands what I'm going through.
The 2nd chapter,being about expressing the hurts.There were only 2 ways,1 of which was to cry.Its something I've gotten used to,but only seemed to provide momentary relieve,as I would go into a relapse.Learned,thats its an ongoing process,to cry,until there's no more tears to cry.The other way being communication,which further separated into 2 categories.The 1st,being with people,and the other,being with God.Both of which I've been doing.
The 3rd chapter,talked more detailed into the topic,of sharing the hurts,with other people.Its when during this times,that God will provide people,to carry the burdens and the hurts,people who will understand,who will lend their shoulders to cry on.Right there and then,a few people came to my mind; my parents,Linda...And I knew,that at the right moment,He gave me a great friend,a friend,I have never had before.
And finally,the 4th chapter spoke about extending the scope of life.To do other things,and not just to centre around 'it',which is a mistake I have already made.Need to find other things to do,to express my God-given talents,to take my mind off,what is haunting me.I immediately felt such a deep sense of remorse,and I locked myself in my room,and cried silently out to God,asking Him to take all the pain away.And all this happened right before my exam.Too much details to go into,but thats generally what I've been reading.
Reached college near 11,and felt a bit nervous and scared.Sat for the exam.The stupid computer lab was so cold.I was shivering the whole time.Started sneezing my nose out during accounts.I couldn't concentrate during accounts.I was just terribly tired.From every part of my body,I was drained.Drained physically,emotionally,mentally,and spiritually.It was a horrible feeling.I just couldn't do much during accounts,but sit there,hoping for the clock to reach 3.30.I've never felt so tired all at once.
Its like having a roller-coaster inside.Just so thankful I had my afternoon nap.Sigh...I need to talk to someone,its like I keep the whole day's ordeal in,and then,I let it out at night,to someone,who's always there for me.Its hard.Just when I thought it was all over,the relapse happened again.Whats wrong with me?Am I weak?Am I a wimp?Sometimes,I hate myself for being like this.
Anyway,hopefully,the book will help me through.Can't wait to finish it.Perhaps,its time,to think of the future.No more wallowing in depression.Gotta make a decision not to be this way.Being blessed with the most annoying brother in the world doesn't help.He can be so ignorant and insensitive sometimes,that I wish I could give him a piece of my mind.Sigh..I guess I just have to give him the benefit of the doubt,for being immature...
Sometimes,I ask myself this question,when I'm feeling down and depressed,its just so hard to live my life the way it should be,especially when Chris was talking the part about "When people see us happy although we're going through problems,they'll notice that there's something different." I feel guilty.Its like I can't show people that I'm happy although I'm going through the toughest time of my life.
Does that mean I have a bad testimony?Am I a hypocrite?I feel like I've sinned,cause I can't live my life the way it should be,and show the world the joy that I used to have.How am I gonna be an effective witness if I don't get my life on the right path?Sigh...Questions unanswered.No wonder I'm effectively down mentally.I just hope I don't reach the breaking point,which is already looming in the distance.Seems to be getting closer by every passing minute.
I need encouragement,support,just to carry through this phase of life.Dear Daddy,I need You so bad.I miss talking to someone,someone's who's been there for me.Someone,who has helped me through,and forget my problems everytime we're in a conversation.Just a small wish,from the bottom of my heart...
Signing out,
-Matt-