Friday, June 30, 2006
Its a Friday,and yes,its my off day.I think I gotta start planning what to do on Friday's to fill up my time.As usual,had nothing to do the whole day,except for piano class.If I hadn't been going out to 1U lately,I would have followed Linda to 1U.Darn...too bad.Mum had already cooked lunch,and I somehow knew,that she would say no,cause of the reason number of times I've been going out.
Anyway,just managed to get the song that I've been looking for.Took me a while to get it,but I managed anyway.Even got the lirics for the song.Its entitled "So Sick" by Ne-Yo.Heard it on my friend's radio and fell in love with it.Though I promise myself not to listen to anymore sad songs,but this is a really nice 1.Just had to get it.
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be
That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?
[So Sick by Ne-Yo]
Hmm...Tonight's game?Argentina Vs Germany!Gonna stay up and watch.Hopefully we'll be able to get a good spot to sit.Dad's coming along. =) Gonna go to the Mamak nearby to watch.Giant Screen TV!Excellent.Will be sleeping late though.Sigh...But its worth it.Rooting for Argentina all the way!Germany are on form now,no doubt about that,but who can deny Argentina a place in the finals with players like Lionel Messi,Juan Pablo Sorin,Riquelme,Crespo,and others,just to name a few.
Which team scored 6 goals against a team which only conceded 1 goal during the qualifying stages?Argentina of course,which was against Serbia & Montenegro!Though Argentina isn't the team I support,but they're 1 of the favourites.I still support England! =P Tonight's other match.Italy Vs Ukraine!Hmm...its possible for a surprise,but Italy should advance.
So much for my match predictions.Well,that'll be all.Nothing much to blog about.Seems like I'm still blogging every single day.Don't know.Still don't feel like going online nowadays.But I think,I'll just come on when I'm free.Was online for the whole day.Had nothing to do.Need to go online later.Need to see how Khye-Ren is doing.Poor thing.Don't know who to chat with.So,lazy to go online.That day also go online cause Karmen wanted me to go online.She also got her own problems.Sadz...
Hmm...ran out of things to crap about,and the weekends are here.Lets hope it'll be a good week.Peace out.
Signing out,
-Matt-
Thursday, June 29, 2006
As I opened my window,and glance upon the starry night sky,I felt a slight chill.As the night breeze came along,I just stood there,and enjoyed the cooling effect it brought upon me.As I sat there,it happened all over again.Thoughts started to reel through my mind. "Oh no,not again," was the thought that came to my mind.As my mind burst into acceleration,I went through the painful memories all over again.
I could do nothing,as I just sat there,and allowed my mind to run free,and,it was killing me,slowly.As I tried to change the focue of my mind,it ended up in futile,as I just sat in horror.There they were again,the same memories that haunted me.Over and over again,my mind went through a journey,a journey to the utter most deepest part of
me,the heart.A place,so demoralizing,that it hurt just to enter in.
I couldn't help,but I felt down again.It was just painful,as I quietly sat there,and hoped for it to be over.Though I have managed to put somewhat of a blockage around it,the "No Entry" sign seemed meaningless,as I seemingly went into the state of helplessness.It seemed my mind was a playground,or a replica of it.It was a complete utter mess as I fought against my will,to enter.
I had once told myself,never to enter in.Deleting the painful memories seemed like a mountain to climb.As I contemplated what to do,I had no choice,but to allow my mind to roam into my sub-conscience mind.As I prepared myself to go through the path before me,I just sat there,and let the memories soak me.It triggered off the 'weak' part of me.The pitiful character,that I cage inside me,was being let loose everytime I entered into the memories that I kept in me.
As I suffered in silence,it ended at a rather slow pace.Though the 'ordeal' had ended,the memories that I had delved into remained in my head.I couldn't help it,but it stayed there,ready to cause me further misery.All I could do was pray for it to go away.If it wasn't for the constant encouragement I was receiving,I would have reached the stage of breakdown point.Glad for it to be all over,it somehow brought up the memories that I had tried to block.
Whenever I travelled on this journey,when I went into a relapse,though I make it through,it was not over.The worst was yet to come,as the memories will be rekindled,and I have to fight an even longer period of time.As the memories reached my mind,it moved on to consuming my mind,with depression,and sadness.The journey,was the mere beginning,as I would suffer from the memories,which I had tried to imprison,but as it broke through the barrier I had put around my heart,and proceeded to my mind,it was impossible to stop its march towards my mind.
Even so,as I live my life on an everyday basis,I know that,it would be a matter of time,before I finally manage,to imprison,and to throw away the key to these memories forever.Seems like an eternity before anything happens.In the mean time,I'll just have to live with it,knowing,that I have fought the good fight of faith.I need to finish the race triumphantly,and not to let this seemingly impossible mountain to climb,hinder me in any way.
As I looked up once again at the night sky I made a wish,upon the night star,once again,a seemingly different wish,as I now go on my grave journey,on the road,to recovery...
Done by -Matt-
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Ever wondered how complicated the mind is?The mind's a powerful tool.Though there are many good things that come out of the mind,for example,the imagination,but the mind,has its own freedom,free to travel,free to wander,not to mention,it has the potential to corrupt and pollute the entire being,just cause,we can't control it.Sigh...
Anywayz,was just sitting in class,listening to the lecture,when my friend was fooling around.Sometimes I wonder to myself, "How did I get to mix with this kinda guys?" My friend's really amusing to watch,but then,I can't help but think to myself,why he's so childish sometimes?Not to say I'm overmatured,but there are times,I just feel like I take things more seriously.This could be bad,I know,but then,does that mean I'm overmatured for my age just cause I think too deep sometimes?
Bleah,my mind is wandering again.This is getting a bit too serious.Anyway,had a rather okay day.Though I was a lil mad at my dad earlier on for throwing away the Tokyo Drift car sticker that I got from the cinema's that day,but,thankfully,I'm not that angry anymore.Hmm...Had lunch dilemma again,like we always do everyday.So,I set a new personaly record for myself.4 times to 1U,in 3 consecutive days.Amazing isn't it?Ate at Burger King for lunch.
And had a nice short time of drama practise.Its getting better,so far.Next week's the last week.Oh crap.Stress!We haven't perfected it yet.Have Econs assignment over the weekends to do,as well as English and Business Maths exams to study for.Finals are less than a month away,excluding the weekly assessments that we have.Stress,stress and more STRESS as we enter the last few weeks of our 1st semester.How time flies.
Manage to find a quiet spot in college too,with a view of the field.Its just nice to go somewhere alone,and just get lost in your thoughts,though I have to admit,I don't really like what goes on in my mind now,as you can clearly see.Can't fit in with anyone,as in,finding a best friend,someone close who I can trust.No offence,but the guys that I hang out with,are nice guys,but maybe I'm a bit like ermm....a deep thinker?Or maybe just a level higher in terms of my priorities and maturity,though I still have a lot of growing up to do.
Sigh...bummer.Hence,the perfectly lousy feeling of loneliness has crept it.I think I've lost all my best friends.Now I'm left with 1 or 2 peeps that I consider good friends,and they're not even in college.Friends are friends.Friends can never be best of buddies.They can never take the place of a best friend.Just no one who I can sincerely even categorize,as a potential 'best buddy' candidate in college.None at all.
Really can't wait to finish my foundation year and go into degree year,but who knows?I might change my mind by then?Made a good friend or 2?Friends are easy to find.Best friends,are really like shooting stars.Rarely is there a friend that'll be there for you all the time.Friends sometimes,just aren't there for you like a best friend is.They'll just be there for you,if its convenient for them to be there for you.
Worship Team Gathering has been postponed.What a bother!Now we'll have even less time to practise for the youth concert,but we'll see how everything goes.We might even start right this week.Just gotta pray and think what song to choose.Just finished burning all the latest UNITED Live album's,as well as the latest PlanetShakers album entitled "Pick It Up." Gonna lend to some people in church.
Tomorrow there's extra classes,but I can't make it,cause of my piano class.Darn,I'm gonna miss Econs.Missing 1 lesson of that,is like missing an entire week of syllabus for any other subject.Hard to understand if I don't go for the lecture,but it can't be helped.Just heard news that poor baby Dylan is down,possibly with Dengue Fever.Lets hope not.Gotta really pray for him.I saw him just 2 days ago,and he was healthy back then.Pray,pray,pray.
Anyway,tomorrow's my off day.Might possibly spend time doing the stupid Econs assignment.Bleah.Hate this kinda stuff.Reminds me of add maths project in high school.Hmm,think I'll turn in early tonight.Need to catch up on sleep.Really really tired.That'll be all peeps.Have a good weekend.Peace out!
Signing out,
-Matt-
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
"Bye mum.I'll catch you later.Love you too," as I hurried off to catch my bus to head downtown to meet up with my 'friend' for a movie. "He's all grown up.It happened so fast," said my mum to my dad who was struggling to straighten his tie. "I'm late for work honey.Could you give me a hand?" As my mum helped my dad with his tie,she couldn't help but think back of the time,when it all happened.An event that changed my life,forever.
5 years back...
As the clock ticked towards lunch hour,every move of the clockhand could be heard.It was pin-drop silence,as we sat for our 1st major exam.As I was busy writing,I looked at the time.I began to get sweaty palms,as time slowly went by."Time's up!" shouted my exam moderator.As I hastened my pace,I put the finishing touches to my already messy looking piece of paper that I had written my essay upon.
With a sigh of relief,I handed up my paper,and ajourned to my 'friend's' locker. "Hey,up for lunch?Today's special, Lamb chop with Black Pepper sauce at the cafe across the street." with a gleam on my face. "Sure.How was the exam?" she asked."It was alright." was my reply. Thankful for the long walk and the gentle breeze that blew against our faces,I cherished every single moment I spent with her.
I could tell,that she had a special effect,almost like a spell she put on me.Everytime I'm with her,its as if the world stopped.Everything around us cease to move.I got lost in our world.As she linked her hand with mine,I felt a surge of electricity,that flowed and hit me right in the heart.She was my everything,or so I thought.Suddenly,my cell phone began to vibrate. "Oh hold on a sec sweety,I think my phone's ringing." as I began to reach down into my beg for my phone. "What is it now?" I wondered,as it seemed to disrupt our lovely walk to the cafe.
It was my best friend,wondering whether I would like to tag along as they went to TGI Friday's for lunch. "Sorry pal,I'm in a lunch appointment.Maybe another time." As I bid my friend goodbye,we continued our walk down the street. Things went on pretty well.Life was going the way I wanted it to be.As long as I had her,it didn't matter what came up.I could always overcome whatever challenges that came at me,till it all changed,in a split second,everything was taken away from me.
All it took was for 1 rumour to spread,and my whole life fell apart.I was seen going to the movies with a close friend of mine,and the rumours started to spread. I noticed something was wrong.We were getting distant,colder everytime we tried to spend some time.She started conjuring up reasons for not wanting to go out.Until,she left me a note,in my locker,1 day.It went something like this.
Dear Matt,
I don't understand how you can do this to me.Was it not true?Did my feelings betray me?Or did you cheat me?Why?I don't understand.As I'm writing this very moment,I know,that those rumours were not true,but I just feel,like we'll never ever work out.Maybe I'm wrong,but I can't explain how I feel.I don't know how to.I'm
sorry,it had to end this way.
She ended the note,with her name on the bottom,next to a picture,of a broken heart.As I read that note,I couldn't believe it.I tried calling her for the next few days,but it seemed,she had changed her number.She even changed her sitting position in class with another classmate of ours,and she dared not look me in the eye.She took the initiative to change her locker position as well.
As I searched for answer,I fell into desperation.I never got an answer.I drew back.I isolated myself from the company of my friends.I finished my course within 4 years with a first class honours in a Bachelor of Business Administration,as well as a Masters to accompany the degree I now owned.I started to work,but my colleagues knew me as an unsociable person.I would not mix around,unless I had to.
I dreaded the thought of 'falling' for anyone else.I was in a state of trauma,and my parents knew it all too well.They tried to help me,but facing the wall of futility,they left me to sort it out,praying,hoping that I'll 1 day break out of the barrier that now surrounded me.My life however,took another turn.This time round,for the better.
A new employee,had just joined the company.She looked the shy type.Though at first,I took no notice to her,but for some reason,I had to work with her because of the projects I was involved in,and because our departments had to work together in completing this projects successfully.As time passed,we became best friends.I finally opened up to someone.And we became best of friends.I soon found out,she faced a similiar situation in her past.
It was a matter of time,before we actually decided to go out,but,in a discreet manner.She brought back the joy that I had lost.I found out,that she was such a nice,sweet,and caring person.She was always there for me,whenever I needed her.I discovered back,the passion to love again.A miracle,which I would never have anticipated.A miracle,that came,at the right time.
Thus,after that traumatizing time of my life,I have finally managed,to be me again.For it is with her only,that I find the true joy that I've lost.Its with her,that I can be me again,and never fear,of the consequences,for she has gained my full trust,as my love for her,grows stronger,day by day.
Present time...
"Hey baby,sorry I'm late.Woke up late," was the reply that accompanied the cheeky grin of knowing that I was late. "Its alright,the movie is just about to start." As we entered the cinema's,I was the happiest person on the planet at that very moment.I was happy,to be someone who understands,someone,where I can be...me...
Done by -Matt-
PS: Characters and the story are non-fictional.
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Hello peeps.Hmm...been having a rather tiring,but a rather good week so far.Just went through Accounts and IT exams.Thank God its over!! Think I might be having English exams today.And then next week got Business Maths exam.Sigh...every other week,there's bound to be an exam,or an assignment.Hectic kinda life.
Nothing special happened on Monday.But yesterday,was a full day,but it was like,the best.Haha.After finishing the 2 stupid essays we had for IT,went to 1U for lunch.Had Pizza Hut(They're getting terribly stingy,3 of us paid 30 bucks and I can honestly say,I wasn't completely stuffed).Then we had a game of pool!Real fun stuff.Went to buy tickets too,for the movie I was gonna watch with Linda and her friend.
Though I missed my football game,but it didn't matter.She came and fetched me at around 4.And then she couldn't open her boot for the security check,cause she couldn't find the button.Hehe,it was rather hilarious.But the guard was being terribly sarcastic.Acted like a jerk.Linda was clearly pissed,as she was pointing out how far he had crossed the line on the way to 1U.I couldn't agree more.If I wasn't patient,I would have gotten out of the car and hit the guy for being so rude.He probably didn't understand English as well,cause Linda tried to explain that she was driving a new car,and she's not used to it yet.What a stupid guy!!Sorry Linda! The guards in my college are rather rude.
Bought popcorn,and we went to watch,"The Fast and the Furious:Tokyo Drift." Finally got to watch it.Worth every sen.The movie was really cool.The cars were just the main attraction.Duh! Though it was kinda painful to watch the guy wreck his Evo!!Evo man! The drifting scene's? AWESOME!!! It was like, 'de bomb'.Never really watched this kinda shows,till now.Real cool stuff.Met up with some ex-school mates.
And then,we went to Rock World,and Linda went crazy over a CD she saw,and she just had to buy it.
Must be 1 heck of a good CD for her to go crazy over a CD to the extent of squealing in delight.It was funny watching her get so excited,but then again,I've never seen her this crazy over a CD before.It was nice.She finally let me pay for her tickets and the popcorn! =P It took a whole lot of convincing.
Kinda rushed when I came back.There was a change of plans.So instead of just going to visit Chris at his place,we met up with him at The Curve for dinner.Another 1st since I started college.Never been to The Curve before,can you imagine?Ate at "The Italianese."Had pizza twice in a day.Once for lunch,and then with Chris.I was stuffed to the max.Over ordered.Didn't know the portions were THAT big!Was pretty cool.I got to play with Dylan,undisturbed.He's so adorable.I wanna have my own kids next time.They're just the cutest things on the planet.
Hmm...didn't have a bad day at all today either.Drama is coming up in 2 weeks time.Argh!!Had free lunch today cause Larsson couldn't take the spicy dish he ordered,though after trying it,I couldn't taste any 'spicy-ness'.Poor guy.He paid for my lunch instead.Thanks.Oh,and we bought a new football too.Cool!Some stupid guy went and steal our football,and the guard saw it,but didn't to anything.Told you the guards in my college are brainless.
Bleah,been to 1U 3 times in 2 days.I must be nuts.But its fun.I'm actually enjoying just window shopping.Maybe its cause I'm out with friends.Well,its a long blog,but well,I won't be blogging that often.Doing this mainly cause someone loves to read my blog and requested that I keep it going.So,I'll blog once in awhile. =) You know who you are anonymus.This is for you!
Till we meet again next time,peeps.Have a good week! Peace out! =)
Signing out,
-Matt-
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Hello peeps.Its a Sunday,which means,tomorrow is a Monday.Crap!Now I know what someone meant when she told me she hated Sunday's cause the next day would be Monday,which means,stress,exams,and everything not nice.This week is truly gonna be a testing week,but I thank God He is here to pull me through.
Had our final practise today for the Worship Team Gathering this Saturday,and we're doing fine.Everything's set.Wanna take this opportunity to advertise and do some publicity!Harvest Community Church(HCC) is having a Youth Concert on the 2nd of September.Altered Frequency is gonna perform.Don't have much details yet,but its gonna be awesome.So whoever's interested,please let me know.Will fill you in on the details once I have them.Here's my contact.Do e-mail me if you're interested.Its gonna be great.
E-mail: mcool007@hotmail.com
Bleah,today I had my 1st taste of playing the bass in front of a congregation.Poor Uncle Yat Nam.Had a back ache,so he took over the drums,and I played the bass.Cool! Just realized tonight gotta study for the stupid accounts exam tomorrow.Tuesday got IT exams.Double Essays!The horror!Wednesday got English exams!What a bother.Exams every week.Datelines are popping up,fast! Oh well,at least today I managed to confirm an assumption,a suspicion that I had in my mind.I guess in a way,my parents were just plain suspicious,and I was just plain naive and hopeful.
Oh well,with that being solved,I've just made up my mind,that this is gonna be like my last blog in ages.Just made a decision to stop going online.Been giving this a lot of thoughts before I made this decision.Its like,going online doesn't bring me much joy and happiness anymore,and nobody actually bothers talking to me.Only a minority.Maybe thats why I feel lonely nowadays?Will still come online when I need to though.Maybe for assignments,projects,or for the youth,as long as its important stuff.Don't think I wanna come online everyday just for the sake of coming online.
What's the use of coming online when you've got nothing to come online for anymore?Used to be so crazily addicted to coming online.I'm probably 1 of the most frequent person online.My friend even told me,"Everytime I go online,sure see you online." Well,old habits die hard,but I'm gonna break it.In a way,I'll be able to concentrate more on my studies,as well as read the Word of God.Mum says in times like these,that I've gotta dig deep.I'll get to pray more too.
Hmm,will enjoy tonight as much as possible.Gonna miss blogging.Its like,an outlet,to vent out frustration,depression,loneliness,sadness,anger,everything thats in me.Really gonna miss it.As for friendster and stuff,I'll still check it out,once in a while.Gonna miss my games too,though I've lost interest in games since the end of SPM.As for those who still wanna contact me,my handphone will always be on.If its extremely important,then I'll take any special request to come online.Sound like celebrity like that. =P
Hopefully,I'll be able to concentrate fully on my other chores.Just keep thinking what I can do such a lot of extra free time that I'm gonna have,but,I'll find stuff to do.Going online was kinda practically what I did everyday,it was almost like,my life.Well,like the book said,I need to broaden my scope of life.Do more stuff.Keep my mind busy.Gonna be a challenge,but I think I can do it,with His help.
Thanks to those who made my day,who had a genuine conversation with me.Andrea,Jerusha,just to name a few.It somehow made me feel better.Tonight,gotta go out with grandparents for dinner.Sorta a belated Father's Day thingy.Oh well,better than staying at home right?Guess that'll be all.Have a good week peeps.Take care,and God bless all of you.Peace out!
Signing out,
-Matt-
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Like clockwork,the alarm clock rang,giving me the wake up call.As I glance out of the window,the blinding rays of sunlight pierced my eyes.In 1 quick motion,I turned off the alarm clock,and headed for the balcony,just outside my room.With each staggering step,I began to regain alertness.Looking at the sun,I realize,its the dawn of a new day.With feelings of uncertainty,I whispered a prayer to God,and headed for the bathroom,to prepare for the routine life in college.
As I grabbed a slice of toast,and shoved it into my mouth,I hurried towards my car,started up the engine,and sped off to college.Weaving in and out of traffic,I ran through my schedule for the day.Seemed like it was gonna be the same routine stuff to do.As I dashed towards my 1st class,I couldn't help but feel that something was amiss,that it wasn't gonna be any 'normal' day.
Brushing aside those thoughts as possibly just mere random thoughts,I started to shift my concentration on the lecture.As lunch hour approached,I turned to my friend and asked, "Hey,wanna go out for lunch together later?" To my surprise,he replied that,he was already going out with another friend of his.Disappointed that he should turn my offer down for the 1st time,decided to ask my other friend.
I got the same reply.Something was absolutely wrong.I started to think if I had accidently offended anyone.Lost in my world of thoughts,I had lunch on my own.Couldn't possibly figure out what was wrong.So I left it as that.Later on,I found out that something was wrong on an even larger scale.It was worse than I originally thought.My friends,were living their lives,and I was not included.
I seemed to be pushed aside,and ignored.I suddenly felt something I've never felt before,deep anguish,dejection,rejection and loneliness.It had such a devastating effect on me,that I lost all focus.I realized,that unknowingly,my friends had deserted me.I couldn't seem to mix with anyone like I used to.It was then,that I realized,that,my so-called friends,were just mere temporal friends.
I started to miss my high school buddy.However,1 fine day,as I walked alone,in eerie silence,I bumped into a girl. "Sorry,I didn't see you in front of me," was my 1st reaction to the incident.As I bent down to help her pick up the books,I introduced myself. "Hi,I'm Rick." After proper introductory was made,we parted ways and headed towards our respective classes.
During lunch,as I ate my lunch,she came and sat down on my table.I was surprised to see her again.Had an hour long chat,and found out,that she was going off to another college in 3 months time.It soon became a daily activity to meet up and chat.As time passed,we became close friends,so close,that we were literally unseparable.We became best of friends.Problems,secrets,you name it,we shared it.
The day came when she 'migrated' to the other college.It was with a heavy heart that I waved goodbye.Promised to keep in touch,and just knowing that made me feel happy.1 week passed.2 weeks passed.We messaged every night through Short Messaging Service(SMS).We kept in constant communication through the internet.She kept telling me how much she missed my company,and I felt likewise.
It came to a point,that I realized,I have crossed the line of being a normal friend.I realized how badly I missed her.I wanted to spend every second with her.When we talked online,or through SMS,I realized how happy it made me.It brought a smile across my face.It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.I realize,that I've fallen in love with her.However,I kept the matter pertaining her inside,as for fear of losing her as a friend.
Soon,we were going out once every 1-2 weeks.1 day,I couldn't take it any longer.I was bursting with excitement,yet,nervousness was running throughout my entire being.My palms started to sweat.My heart was beating so fast,it felt like a bullet train.My knees were knocking together,and I was shivering in my shoes.I finally had the guts to tell her how I felt right after we had a movie together.
Expecting instant rejection and humiliation,she confessed to hiding those same feelings I had for her.It was an enormous relieve.That sparked off the best moment in my life.Though distance kept us apart,but the wonders of modern communication through technology ensured that we kept in constant touch.It seemed like everything was a bed of roses.I no longer felt the sense of loneliness that I once felt.
Just when everything was going well,I received a call from my girlfriend. "Baby,I need to speak with you.Is it possible to talk it over dinner tonight?" I replied with a simple "Yeah,sure." As we disengaged on the phone,I could sense something was wrong.Her voice sounded shaky on the phone.I started worrying.However,at exactly 7,I reached her house and picked her up for dinner.
As we enjoyed each other's company,we headed for a walk through the part after dinner.It was a full moon that night.The most possible romantic situation I could ask for.As we sat down on the bench,I held her in my arms,and posed her the question, "What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?" In the nicest way possible,she looked me in the eye,and told me straight, "I'm afraid this is our last date,I want a break-up."
Taken aback,I asked her why.With tears in her eyes,she ran off,and before I could follow her,she disappeared into the night.I was heartbroken.Yet,I tried to call her.She didn't want to answer my calls.My messages seem to go unanswered.And I never saw her online again.In frustration and anger,I let it all out.I cried every single night.It was heartwrenching.I became and introvert.I kept to myself.
Depression and loneliness took over again,the same feelings I had when I felt abandoned by my friends.I've just lost,my sunshine,my joy,and my best friend.I was afraid to open up to anyone again.I never did see her again....Until,6 months later,I received an e-mail from her.I hesitated to open it,and I was still so mad at her,that I wanted to delete it.However,my heart told me to go on and read it.
As I opened the e-mail,there before my very eyes,lay an exceedingly long letter.I soon found out,that she was in Australia.Her dad had accepted a job as an Executive Manager in a big company 6 months ago,and that was the reason she had to leave me.As I read the letter,tears came streaming down my face.I was in disbelief that she didn't tell me.All because she couldn't take leaving me and she was afraid I couldn't accept it.She had suffered a great deal,and had cried every single night.
That night,she finally came online.I wasn't satisfied.So I asked for her contact number,and I called her.After what seemed like eternity,we got to hear each other's voice.Over tears,she apologized.Right there,all the hatred and anger that I harboured left me.After the end of that long conversation,I told her, "I've forgiven you,and I miss you so." She too confessed her longing for my company.
From that day on,our friendship was restored.We became friends again.I still couldn't help but still feel lonely,as I missed her terribly.As I looked at the future,I realized,I had to start anew.I missed her still,with longings that cannot be expressed with words,but I knew,she was gone forever,to a world to distant from mine.It is now,that I understand what utter loneliness is...I still hoped that 1 day,I'll be able to find a friend,that'll always be there everytime I need someone to talk to...After all,life without friends,is a life of loneliness.
Done by -Matt-
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A story that I just thought of writing down.The characters are non-fictional.I find it the best way of expressing myself.Its when I have no outlet to pour out what I'm feeling or how I feel,when there's nobody to talk to,I'll just write whatever comes to my head.A new way to let out stuff?Yeah,by writing stories.
I thank God that He's always there for us.More than ever,I wish He would somehow comfort me,as I need it more than ever.We need friends and family more than anything else in the world.It is now,that I realize the importance of friends.As I venture deeper into college life,I hope to make more friends.
Not just mere friends,but best friends,who'll be there when you need them,who are always ready to lend their shoulder to cry on,who'll always be there to hear you out when you most need them,who'll rejoice with you when you have found happiness,and to add in the flavour and spice into my life.Without friends,we'll all die.Everyone needs a real and true friend.Only God can be the ultimate friend.He's always there for you,though you may not know it.
God's always my best friend,no doubt about that,but sometimes,He seems rather distant.But I know for sure,He's still here for me.Though I'm feeling lonely right now,and there's no one to talk to,I'll just keep praying,for in Him,I'll find rest,strength,and the will to carry on.For God,is my ultimate friend.
Here's a tip.Ditch those lame sad love songs.They don't help.Trust me.They make you feel all down and depressed.They made me cry everytime I listen to those.So just ditch those.Listen to upbeat songs.Say like Fall Out Boy!They totally rock.Music is 1 of my longest best friend that has NEVER EVER left me.
Signing out,
-Matt-
Friday, June 23, 2006
Hi peeps.Hmm,today had a rather funny day.Suppose to go for piano class,but guess what?The stupid car battery died.So,today became my off day as well.Darn,now gonna have to find a replacement class somewhere in my busy schedule.
Had lunch with Chris today.We had Vietnamese food.Yum!It was nice catching up with him.Discussed a lot of stuff,about the youth,and stuff.It was real cool.Too bad we couldn't spend the whole afternoon talking.I miss his company already. =)
Bleah...I still feel bored.Nothing to do today.I wanna go out for a movie. =S Maybe I'll wait till Pirates of The Caribbean 2 comes out in July.I've been enroled to babysit all the little kiddies this Saturday for Couple's Night.Wasn't planning to go,didn't want to,but finally,had to also.Poor aunt Pek See.She sounded desperate for people to babysit.Its like they're lacking people to babysit.Made my mum talk to her also,but then,she really sounded like she needed help.I finally conceded,and decided to help out.
Oh well,lets hope the parents will have a great night.Sounds like a challenge,cause of all the lil toddlers.Lets hope it'll all be alright.Hmm...got a call from Karmen yesterday.All her friends were talking(or yelling,whichever you prefer) to me,bad mouthing Karmen.It was kinda funny.A question was thrown at me. "How did Cheryl(Karmen's best friend) look in the pic ar?" All I said was "Okay la." What a funny thing to ask.Too much noise in the background.The thing that caught my attention was her best friend which kept teasing her, "Karmen slept with 2 guys before."
What a hilarious thing to say.Sounds like she has a bunch of crazy friends in a crazy class.I miss that kinda crazy time's though.Sigh...There's hardly anyone to go crazy with,though college guys are totally nuts,but there's no good friend to go crazy with,at least no one who I see daily.Absolutely miss my best friend.Its the only time I go crazy,and when I can be myself again.
Anywayz,manage to finish reading the books that mum lent to me.It was interesting,informative,but yet,it was kinda scary.There was like so much stuff that seemed to 'hit' me.Yet,personally,it was a good learning experience.The 1st was the book "How to Deal with your Broken Heart" by Susan Tang.The 2nd book is "Romantic Love" by Dr. James Dobson.Pretty good stuff.
Hmm...Well,that about wraps up my day.Lazy to blog.That'll be all.Peace out.
Signing out,
-Matt-
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The day when I was given the day off,was the day I had nothing to do.Managed to sleep later than usual yesterday,due to the thriller show that was on TV.Went to bed at 12.I forgot to off my alarm on the clock Linda gave me,so it kinda woke me up at 7.Bleah.Next time I'll double check before I go to sleep.
Hmm,was talking to a friend of mine this morning,who's had already 4 boyfriends,or was it 5?Just recently broke up with her boyfriend after less than 2 weeks,and now,my friend,who was her 4th boyfriend,who dumped her because he put his friends 1st,asked for a 2nd chance,and they're back together.Hmm...this world is getting stranger by the minute.I even asked her,"How can you take so many heartbreaks?" The reply I got? "I kena so many times already,kinda numb." That was kinda shocking.You can actually get numb on such occasions?She's pretty good.
Yesterday,I actually went for prayer meeting.Mum suggested that it'll be good for me.Had to go extra early cause dad had a meeting to discuss about the Couple's Night thingy thats gonna be held this Saturday.For some reason,felt really really uncomfortable listening to them talking about all the activities they're gonna have.Couldn't concentrate or pray during prayer meeting,though I did come back a lil refreshed.Too many things going on in my head, I guess.Dad actually let me drive back yesterday night.1st time I was allowed to drive back at night.So happened,I left my driving license in my wallet,which was sitting at home.But I drove back anywayz.Oops..
Its been a really screwed up day.For some dumb reason,my parents INSISTED on having my dinner with them.Was suppose to go out with Linda and her friend to watch Too Fast Too Furious.Linda got stuck in KL because of the stupid weather,which caused a massive jam.The movie suppose to start at 5,and now,its 4.50.
Ask for permission to go for the other movie,which starts at 6 instead,and my parents said NO,just because they said its too late.Thats a whole load of crap!Coming back at 8 is late?Thats NONSENSE!!!Was so cheesed off,I had a BIG arguement with my mum.So freakin mad!Can't believe it.If only I had my car now,I wouldn't be facing this problem!!Just cause they want me to have dinner with them?Coming back at 8.30 doesn't mean I can't have dinner right?Its just later,thats all.
Sigh...My parents have been terribly overprotective lately,and its getting annoying.Suddenly,a lot of rules seem to pop out of nowhere.Just when I thought I can be open to them,then they 'hit' me back with all this kinda rules.Maybe I'll think twice next time,before letting them know anything. =( Even that day almost couldn't go for The Benchwarmers movie.Sigh...what a life...
Used to question them about all the rules,about why other people supposingly had more freedom.And the same reply will always be given. "We'll let you go as you show yourself to be more and more responsible." What's that mean?I'm not responsible enough and my other friends are?Unreasonable curfews when I'm 18?A quota for the number of outings I'm allowed to go out on?Who I'm going out with?
Thats the thing.Everytime when I wanna go out,there'll be a 101 questions being thrown at me.Well,you might say its normal to ask,how you're going there,or from what time to what time,but who you're going out with?Names?Are they good kids or not?Sometimes,I just wished that I could go out whenever I want,without being interogated or questioned as if I'm under arrest.This was the last straw.
I'm just so cheesed off right now.I don't know what to say.I just want at least the 'rightful' freedom that I should have.I just can't believe this is all happening.Time and time and again,I have asked myself this questions,but due,to being their son,I've learned to accept it.But when times like this happens,I get really really cheesed off.Don't know why some rules are still imposed even at this time.Its like I'm not responsible enough.Argh,hate this!
Signing out,
-Matt-
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Hello peeps.Hmm,suppose to be sleeping now,but,what the heck!I already managed to catch up with my sleep yesterday.Thank God I slept through.Needed to get some rest and sleep,to recover from the overdose of tiredness that I was injected with.Well,tomorrow's a holiday for me.College is having some staff motivation thingy or something.Poor lecturers.They must have lost their motivation to teach.
Wish I could go out for a movie tomorrow,since its my off-day.Maybe I should watch "Too Fast Too Furious:Tokyo Drift tomorrow?"But then,nobody to accompany me.I don't really fancy going out with the guys who invited me.No offence.Sometimes,to be honest,I get bored of seeing the same faces 4 days a week.Its not that bad,but then,I just feel bored.Don't know why.
Nowadays,been playing a game around in class.Spotting those who are portrayed as couples.Seems there are already 4 couples,and 1 in the making.There's of course Thye Wei and Pui Munn,which from the very 1st day,everyone knew already.Chee Mun and Jia Yeen,better known as 'friends only',as that was how they introduced themselves from the beginning of college.Who could forget Adrian and Anne.Adrian's been a naughty boy.Seen around holding hands and 'smooching'.Holding hands is alright,but smooching in class?Then of course there's the most recent 1,Wei Lun and Denise.Missing on the same day of class.And spotted at 1U together?Its obvious that they're together.Even came in to class with her today,carrying her bag for her(Aww,how sweet.)Gentleman! Respect!
1 more still in the making.Interesting to see people get together.Especially just spotting them,and being right when we finally see them together.Nothing better to do?You bet.Feel like we're matchmaking people.Wonder who's next.Speculation is so much fun.You'll never know who hooks up with who next.
Though I have the day off tomorrow,got lots of studying to do.Especially the stupid upcoming IT test.The only test so far that has essays,not to mention 2 essays!Bleah.The drama dateline is in 3 weeks time.Argh!Stress!Still can't get my group to 'become' their character,to assume the role of their characters.Getting better with each practise.But we gotta do a full dress rehearsal soon.So disorganized.We're so screwed!
Hmm...Nothing interesting to talk about.Guess I'm gonna stop right here.Lots of datelines coming up.This is when it all gets hectic and stressed up.Thankfully,I'm homework free for the week.Have a good week peeps!
Signing out,
-Matt-
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
As I closed my eyes,and prepared to 'depart' from the world momentarily,I kept my mind alert,half waiting for the reply.Though I was terribly drained,it seemed this was the only time to let it all out.After an ongoing sms conversation for about 1 and a half hours,I looked at the time.It stated clearly,12am.Time to get some shut eye.After bidding my best friend farewell,I turned in for the night,only to wake up 5 and a half hours later,unable to go back to sleep.
As I woke up,those cursed memories flooded my mind again.As I pondered upon it again,tears started to flow down.As I lay right there,I sobbed tears of depression,and heartbreaks.I wanted to pick up the phone so badly and call my best friend,but as it was 5.30 in the morning,I decided against that.At 6.30,I couldn't take it any longer.I didn't know who to turn to.I went straight to my parents room,where my mum was sleeping,and sobbed quietly.To my surprise,she heard me,and immediately put her arms around me and consoled me.
She prayed there and then.I don't really know how long I was in there,but I guess I was there for 40 minutes,cause when I looked at the clock,it showed 7.10am.Through tears,I somewhat felt better.In between tears,mum told me it was a spiritual battle now,and I had to fight it.I felt a sense of determination,that I'm gonna fight what the Devil's done to me.Now,I know what I have to do,to claim back the joy that I've lost,and to reject all those thoughts and memories that come to my mind.
Also managed to finish reading the book I was reading about.In the end,it all comes down to me,and God.I gotta work with Him to go through this.I enjoyed the book.Really spoke to my heart.I don't think I wanna summarize what I've read,cause its a bit too long,but it helped a lot.Don't wanna dwell on it too much,lets just say I'll do everything in my power to fight this mess,with God's grace,I'm gonna win this spiritual battle.
Other than that,nothing much happened today.The drama date is drawing closer and closer.I'm scared. =/ Just found out we have 3 exams next week,on 3 consecutive days.Its gonna be gruelling.Stressful.Not to mention the Econs assignment we're gonna get this week.The only good thing?This Thursday classes has been postponed.My friends are asking me to watch "Too Fast Too Furious:Tokyo Drift." Am wondering whether to go for it.Maybe I should stay at home and chill?But I need to go out more and keep my mind busy.
Maybe I won't go.See how.Already went out that day for "The Benchwarmers." It was good.A must see.Gave me a good laugh when I badly needed it.So if it could make me laugh,don't you think you should watch it?Anyway,have to help dad with some church stuff on Excel.What a bother.Hate excel.Hmm,I'm gonna learn how to read guitar tabs.Found something interesting to occupy myself.No mood to talk much today anyway.So I'll just stop right here.Have a good week peeps.
Signing out,
-Matt-
Monday, June 19, 2006
I blinked my eye in disbelief as I sat there with the half-eaten chocolate in my hand.It was a strange sensation,as I pondered and tried to regain my senses.How could something that tasted so sweet,turned so bitter all of a sudden?The chocolate bar that had once given me the sensational adrenalin rush,now turned out to be everything not so nice,the very nature of a taste,that kills all your senses.
As I threw it down,onto the floor in disgust,emotions stirred up within me.Hatred,anger consumed my very being.As I looked at it,I realized,there was still something,inside me,that wanted to risk it all,just having 1 more bite.I've tried many a times to throw it away,but I looked at myself in disgust,unable to throw it all out,and forever turn my eyes away.
For what seemed like eternity,just the thought,of savouring that once sweet chocolate,haunted and tormented me to the very depths of my soul.In a state of confusion,I wanted,to give up.Then,1 fine morning,rushing about my daily errands,I came across,the most beautiful of wrappers,that seemed to contain the finest tasting chocolate in the world,or so it seemed from the outside.
Without hesitating,I took an instant immediate liking,and I took the liberty of the free samples.As I took,my 1st bite,that same feeling of excitement,came back again.I've forgotten how good chocolate tasted.With squeals and shrieks of delight,I savoured the taste,but as the saying goes,"All good things must come to an end." It finished within moments.There was a sudden craving within me. "I must have more," was the thought that ran through my head.
However,for some unlogical reason,I couldn't help,but have a sudden longing for the 1 that tasted so bitter.Why do I even go there? "I have something new to enjoy," was the thought that went through my head.And yet,it all threatened to fall apart again.Who knows how long this joy and satisfaction will last?Should I even dare to dream further?Should I even go the extra mile,to put my taste buds to the test?Who knows if it might turn bitter once more,just like the 1st time,which caused utter heartbreak?
The very same circumstances threaten to repeat itself,as I thought further.Maybe it won't ever go that far?Maybe I should risk it all again,and put everything on the line.With its possible benefits,comes the possibility,of another disappointment.Maybe it'll solve the past disappointments,but do I even want to risk it all?As I ponder upon this questions,I wait in silence,not wanting to make anymore mistakes,as all I can do is wait,as everything around me comes into focus,on that life-changing decision...
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Its true isn't it?Once bitten,twice shy?Anyway,its been terribly tiring,to say the least.Though the alarm was set,I woke up at 6.30.Just like the night before,I sobbed tears,tears that never seemed to stop.However,decided to get up,because,after all,it was a new day.
College only begun at 11am.So,I read the book my mum lent to me,entitled "How to Deal with Your Broken Heart?" by Susan Tang.It hit me real hard,when I read the 1st chapter,and I realized,that I've been living in the Devil's lies.The 1st being the lie that I have made something or someone else,my "Ultimate Reference Point" in which my whole life was based upon.I realized,that I was guilty of idolatry.
The 2nd lie,had equally the same devastating effect,to never experience that joy again.I won't mention in details,but those of you who are close to me,will know what I'm talking about.A commitment I made,after experiencing the trauma,and the lowest point of my life,a commitment I know resent,and to know,that it was a wrong thing to do.
Immediately,conviction came to my heart,and I repented,there and then.Realize,that only God could be the "Ultimate Reference Point" in my life.This was,the 1st chapter.Was so 'into' the book,that I read further.It was just an overwhelming experience,that someone else,understands what I'm going through.
The 2nd chapter,being about expressing the hurts.There were only 2 ways,1 of which was to cry.Its something I've gotten used to,but only seemed to provide momentary relieve,as I would go into a relapse.Learned,thats its an ongoing process,to cry,until there's no more tears to cry.The other way being communication,which further separated into 2 categories.The 1st,being with people,and the other,being with God.Both of which I've been doing.
The 3rd chapter,talked more detailed into the topic,of sharing the hurts,with other people.Its when during this times,that God will provide people,to carry the burdens and the hurts,people who will understand,who will lend their shoulders to cry on.Right there and then,a few people came to my mind; my parents,Linda...And I knew,that at the right moment,He gave me a great friend,a friend,I have never had before.
And finally,the 4th chapter spoke about extending the scope of life.To do other things,and not just to centre around 'it',which is a mistake I have already made.Need to find other things to do,to express my God-given talents,to take my mind off,what is haunting me.I immediately felt such a deep sense of remorse,and I locked myself in my room,and cried silently out to God,asking Him to take all the pain away.And all this happened right before my exam.Too much details to go into,but thats generally what I've been reading.
Reached college near 11,and felt a bit nervous and scared.Sat for the exam.The stupid computer lab was so cold.I was shivering the whole time.Started sneezing my nose out during accounts.I couldn't concentrate during accounts.I was just terribly tired.From every part of my body,I was drained.Drained physically,emotionally,mentally,and spiritually.It was a horrible feeling.I just couldn't do much during accounts,but sit there,hoping for the clock to reach 3.30.I've never felt so tired all at once.
Its like having a roller-coaster inside.Just so thankful I had my afternoon nap.Sigh...I need to talk to someone,its like I keep the whole day's ordeal in,and then,I let it out at night,to someone,who's always there for me.Its hard.Just when I thought it was all over,the relapse happened again.Whats wrong with me?Am I weak?Am I a wimp?Sometimes,I hate myself for being like this.
Anyway,hopefully,the book will help me through.Can't wait to finish it.Perhaps,its time,to think of the future.No more wallowing in depression.Gotta make a decision not to be this way.Being blessed with the most annoying brother in the world doesn't help.He can be so ignorant and insensitive sometimes,that I wish I could give him a piece of my mind.Sigh..I guess I just have to give him the benefit of the doubt,for being immature...
Sometimes,I ask myself this question,when I'm feeling down and depressed,its just so hard to live my life the way it should be,especially when Chris was talking the part about "When people see us happy although we're going through problems,they'll notice that there's something different." I feel guilty.Its like I can't show people that I'm happy although I'm going through the toughest time of my life.
Does that mean I have a bad testimony?Am I a hypocrite?I feel like I've sinned,cause I can't live my life the way it should be,and show the world the joy that I used to have.How am I gonna be an effective witness if I don't get my life on the right path?Sigh...Questions unanswered.No wonder I'm effectively down mentally.I just hope I don't reach the breaking point,which is already looming in the distance.Seems to be getting closer by every passing minute.
I need encouragement,support,just to carry through this phase of life.Dear Daddy,I need You so bad.I miss talking to someone,someone's who's been there for me.Someone,who has helped me through,and forget my problems everytime we're in a conversation.Just a small wish,from the bottom of my heart...
Signing out,
-Matt-
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Dear Daddy,
Today's Your special day,not just because its a Sunday(which is Your day),but because its also Father's Day.I can't really get You anything,but I'll be a good boy today,cause thats my only gift I can give to You.Happy Father's Day to you too anyway.I'm kinda tired today.But then,more than that,I think I'm having the blues,again!
I just can't help it.I feel so lost and lonely.I really don't know if I can hold on any longer.I feel like I'm lost in the youth.Don't know why. =( I can't communicate well anymore.Today,I 'gave out' a lot during the practises and all.I don't mind,cause I'm doing it all for You.But then,right after that,I began to feel spiritually and emotionally drained.Darn...Feel like crying again...=(
I really hope you'll take away all this negative thoughts.Daddy,I need You more than ever.Still need You to heal the 'wound'.It kinda sucks when all I do is think about this.Tomorrow I got IT exam some more.I know You'll be there to help,but I need to concentrate. =( I know its in the process,but I want it to go faster. You know the only time I'm trully happy now.
Its limited.But then,Daddy,I hope You'll give me more of those moments.Its the only time where I forget my problems and feel that sense of joy that I've lost over the past 2 months.Is that the answer to my problems?I don't even wanna think about it.I think its out of the question,unless its in Your divine plan for my life,then You're gonna have to open the doors for me.
You know what's best for me.Thats why,I'm glad that You're my Daddy.If this is the way I'm gonna regain my happiness back,I really hope it is,but I won't know,till You show me.But I doubt it is.Momentary happiness?Sigh...I want it to be permanent.Anyway,I'll just be patient,and try my best to move on.I know it hurts You to see me this way,but,I'll try my best,with Your help,to endure this.
Anyway,thanks Daddy for being here for me.I still hope You're here for me all the time.I hope You'll reassure me.Thats the best thing.As for this matter,I won't pray for it,but I'll pray about it.Though it seems not likely,but I'll pray anyway.Its totally up to You dear Daddy.You decide.I leave it in Your hands.I won't have my own way anymore.Happy Father's Day to You.
Your ever-loving son,
-Matt-
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Well,the above letter,is sorta my prayer,a prayer that I blog,a prayer,that I hope,my dear Daddy up there,will answer.Just felt like putting out my 'cry' in my bloggie.So thought of using this way that I thought of.Due to complaints from come people,decided to use a bigger font.Happy now?Though there doesn't seem to be much difference.
Overall,had an ok week.Would have been a good week,if I wasn't feeling down now.Yesterday was the best,though a lil tiring.Wasn't feeling too good,so I called Linda out for a movie.So the 3 of us(including Andrew)went out for lunch,and when we went to watch "The Benchwarmers",just before the youth cell.It was great,as the comedy was worth every penny.Had us laughing for the whole 1 and a half hours.
It was like how Linda put it,a momentary comfort.Well,she was being extremely nice(or mean,whichever way you wanna put it).She wouldn't let me pay for the Baskin Robbins,or the popcorn and drinks.Which reminds me,yesterday was the 1st time I ate Baskin Robbins.Thanks to Linda.It was deliciously addictive.Ever since I started college,been creating history alot.Been to alot of places for the 1st time.
Met up for lunch.Had Burger King.Wanted to go bowling,but the prices on weekends suck.Its like 1 game for the price of 2 on a normal day.Crazy.Thats when we decided to have Baskin Robbins.Went to check out some stuff to get for my dad cause today is Father's Day.Couldn't find anything.Went to check out some books also.We just followed Linda.
Soon,had to go in for the movie.Again Linda paid for the popcorn and drinks,though I was pushing her to pay.Darn,she's too strong...So the next time we go out,all the bills are definitely on me.There wasn't many people watching the movie,but it was excellent.Had a good time laughing.Good stuff..
The movie finished at 5.So we continued walking around.Checked out the Tie-shop,but found nothing worth buying.Finally,Linda brought us to a gift shop(Girls are seriously good when it comes to directions in 1U).Got my dad a keychain,as well as my mum,for a Happy Belated Mother's Day thingy.Then,we had to head back home and go shoot off to Subang for the youth cell.
Had a blast.Aunt Licia's cooking was amazing.Especially the sambal that came with the nasi lemak.Had a great time of fellowship.After all the eating session,some of them played Twister.Then we went for walks.It was nice.A night of laughter and fun.Sent Sean back after that,and reached back almost 12.
Sigh...I guess all good things come to an end.Wished yesterday would have never ended.If only it stayed that way.Well,tomorrow's IT exam.Sigh...Will have to pray really hard.Guess thats about summed up my whole week.After being 'drained' today,don't know how I'm gonna make it through the week.I really need God's grace. =(
Oh,and today,I received a really really nice prezzie,given by dear Linda.Gave me a real cool-looking clock with really really nice features.Thanks loads.My favourite prezzie after my MP3 player that I got for my birthday.You didn't have to get me such a nice gift.Didn't really expect you to remember my birthday.Its really sweet and thoughtful of you.You're the best! =)
Well,I still thank God for everyday,good,or bad.Hopefully,He'll give me more great days than bad.Need to fight off all the negative thoughts and really somehow claim back the joy that I've lost,thats been stolen from me.Maybe I need to go out more often.Pray more.Hmm...mum just lent to me a book entitled "How to Deal with Your Broken Heart" by Susan Tang.Will be reading it soon.Sounds like the right book to read right now.Hoping for a good week.
Signing out,
-Matt-
Friday, June 16, 2006
Dear Daddy,
Today's my 1st bloggie just for You.Though I know that you've always been reading my bloggie,but I thought its time I started talking directly to You.You know I love You so very much.You've been with me ever since I was born.You made me.You shaped me.You planned my life.And most of all,You were there when I was born,there to nurture me,to hold my hand,and walk me through life.
I know You probably know what I'm going through right now.You've been with me for 18 years now.Thats a long time.In my earliar days,I never really experienced Your love for me.All I looked up to You as,was my Heavenly Father,someone,who I followed,and worshipped,just because I was so-called 'borned' into church.Was more like a ritual kinda thingy.A routine.A way of life.
I even did everything the other Christians did.Sing songs.Close eyes and pray.Devotion every morning.Everything my parents thought me to do.I've never really been hit with a crisis,till this year.Been through the worst crisis of my life.I know,there was a period of time,where I was rebellious,and I hurt You so bad.But now,more than ever,going through the crisis,You've held my hand,and You still are,even as I continue to make my way out of this mess.
I've never really felt Your love so deep before.Its now,that I know,that You love me so much.And You will forever be my best friend.I just wanna ask You for a favour,Daddy.I hope you'll continue to hold on to my hand and guide me through.I know for sure,that its all in Your plan.Though I don't know why this has happened to me,I still believe its for a reason.I may not see it now,but I'm sure,You'll show me 1 day.
Its Your comforting words that keep me going.I now know,that I have nothing to live for.I've lost 'everything',so to speak.But You're the only reason why I'm still living.There were so many times,where I wish You would just take me back to Heaven.I wished for Your return,when You'll come back for me.I wanna be in Your embrace.I wanna go back home,where there'll be no more tears.And I'll never remember this pain again.But I know,that in Your timing,You will return for me,someday.Obviously,You have a lot more for me to accomplish before I go back home.Thats why,You're the reason I'm living today.Without You,I would have lost all hope,all direction,all reason to live.
I just miss You so.That day,when I cried out to You,and I asked You,in tears,"This wonderful beach You have created,its so wonderful,so much bigger than me,but if You compare the awesomeness and the beauty of the beach with me,I'm nothing,but I wonder,do You still love me?" And I heard Your still small voice saying,"I'll always be here for You and will always love You.I'll be here to comfort You." Its then,that I realized,that Your love is unconditional.Men's love is always conditional,but Your love,has no limits,no boundaries.You've loved me all the while,whether I've been obedient,or defiant.
Daddy,I hope you'll take away all my hurts and pains,for I know,that You're the only 1 who can do so.I just pray that You'll be with me for the rest of my life.I'm tired of looking.I leave it in Your hands.All I need,is to excel in my studies and be successful in life,doing Your will.Then,I hope,I'll make You proud,cause thats all I live for now,is to make You proud,and to do what You want for my life.I'm so thankful You're my Daddy,who's always looking out for me.Here's a lil something I wrote for You.
When nobody was there for me,You were always there.
When I put on that smile,and laughed,and enjoyed Your creations,You smiled along.
When I was tired and worn-out,You carried me,gave me rest, and showed that You cared.
When I was depressed,broken,and sad,You collected my tears and cried along with me.
When I went through life's down's,You were always there for me though I didn't know it.
When I needed love,comforted me,and showed me Your love,which will never die.
You're my best friend,the reason I'm living,my everything.
Your son,
-Matt-
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Hello peeps!Today,Econs exam is finally over.1st time sitting for my econs exam.Bleah.I already have 2 mistakes.Darn.And 1 of em was careless.So angry at myself.Couldn't concentrate also.I somehow lost it while doing the exam.Crap.Can't leave my mind too free.It'll start thinking all over again.Sadz.Argh.Screw it.Its over.I'm done with it.Gosh.There's no rest to exams.Next week got Econs assignment plus IT exams.The week after next got accounts plus English exams.Oh gosh.This is crazy.Every week got exams.
After the exam,had English drama practise.Bother.Being a co-producer and director is so hard.Thank God though! Cause I've really got a cooperative group.Excellent.The problem is to get them to 'feel' their character,to 'become' their character,in a manner of speaking.The problem is motivating them to understand their character.Hopefully,it'll turn out well.Less than a month left to practise.With exams every week,its hectic.
Anyway,after that,for the 1st time,I went to Ikano for lunch.Sad right?After so long,only then I go.Went in 2 cars.After that,we all went walking around,exploring Ikano.Went to the pet shops.And they had the cutest kittens and doggies there.Took some pics,though they said no photography.But they didn't say no camera phones.
The pics may be abit blur.Sorry lor.My phone ain't the best camera in the world.Anyway,we had football after accounts class,in the rain.Quite sien.But I enjoyed the trip to Ikano very much.Got to know people like Andy and Yu Xiang a lil bit better.Really nice guys. Seeing all the cute lil pets they had at the pet shop,made my day.
The 1st pic is of course a racoon la.If you take a look closely at the 2nd pic,you'd notice that its some kind of a rat,with a feather-like tail,and it stands on its hind legs.Its kinda cute.The doggie pic is kinda a waste though.It looked like a stuffed toy.I didn't adjust my phone brightness properly.So cute.It even posed for me when I wanted to take its pic.Anyway,guess thats how my day went.Bleah.Just wished I was able to concentrate during the exams.Bleah.Thats the only part that messed up my day.My mind messes up my life everyday.It never stops thinking.And the problem keeps recurring,over and over again in my head.
Yesterday,a funny thing happened.I didn't notice that my cat just pissed in the bathroom.So I was playing with him.Suddenly,I was like,"Ei,why my face wet 1?Oh no!No way!" I checked the bathroom,and sure enough,I found out the truth.His pee is on my face.Faster washed my face.Then washed his legs.Yuck!What a disgusting thing to do.
Hopefully,I'll be fine soon.This is really bugging me.Sigh...Time will tell.Oh well,gotta go bath now.Guess that'll be all for today.Its been an okay day,except for the exam thingy.Sigh...Peace out!Have a good weekend!
Signing out,
-Matt-
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Just woke up from my sleep.Seems like Wednesday's are the only days that I can get some afternoon nap.Had English drama practise today.Darn,seems like its only 1 month before we actualy have to present it.Bleah!And we're so not ready for it.More stress has been added as well.Tomorrow Econs exam.Next Monday IT exam.Next next Wed English Exam.
Crazy ler.Suddenly everything so hectic.Every week got exams.Sigh.Can't believe this,but I still cried this morning.It sucks so bad. =( I kinda hate myself sometimes for being like this.When will it all end?Only God knows.Its terribly tiring.Drains all my energy emotionally.And when that happens,physically and mentally,I lose focus,energy,and suddenly concetration.
Kinda sucks,especially when the Econs teacher made it more worse.Her voice sounds like a lullaby.Everytime she opens her mouth to talk,I feel like sleeping.Then,there was just this thought of how good your friends were.There's a test that shows who's really your best friends,and those that pretend to be.Its quite obvious by how they were there for you.
When you go through problems,most of your friends will say this. "Chill ler,don't take it so hard." And to me,thats the stupidest thing to say,especially when you're down and depressed.Instead of saying "I'm here for you,anytime.If you need to talk,just sms or call me." In times of distress and all,when you've going through your lowest point in life,some people turned out to be your best friends.
What happened to those who I thought were my best friends?They give me their 'comforting' advice.Here's a word of advice,NEVER EVER ask people to chill when they're down.Instead,offer your shoulder for them to cry on.Cry with them.Just be there for them.Thats the best thing a TRUE friend can do for you.When I'm terribly down and depressed,there were only 1 or 2 people who really made an effort to be there for me.
I've looked at some people who were supposedly 'good' friends,where were you guys when I needed you?Was your handphone on when I needed someone to talk to?Were you there for me when I woke up in the middle of the night,crying?Where were the smses of concern?You guys didn't even make an effort to find out how I was doing.In fact,you couldn't be bothered.
I guess,when we go through hard times,its the only true test of friendship.I'm so thankful for those of you who were there with me,and still are here for me to help me go through this ordeal.I've made a new best friend,and I know,who was there for me,and who wasn't.I guess,you can't really judge a book by its cover.Those pretenders,or friends wanna-be,I'm sorry to say,that I look differently at you now.
Though I still don't know who I can call,or even sms somewhere in the middle of the night,but I know who'll be there everytime I need to talk.In fact,I know someone,who I only met once,and she offered her time,and told me,that anytime I needed someone to talk to,I can call her.What happened to the time I had with my other so-called friends?Led to nothing.Sigh...
You'll be surprised,but sometimes,people who tell you they understand what you're going through,are a bunch of liars.They don't know what its like to go through what you're going through.cause if they did,they wouldn't expect you to recover so fast,or in an instant.All I can say is,you guys are stupid for thinking that way.A true friend stands the test of trials and problems.
Through thick and thin,they're there for you.And to my dearest friend Linda,out of the blue,you were there for me.You were 1 of the few,who showed the most concern for me.You helped me out.You were there when I needed to talk to someone.You helped me out so much,that I couldn't possibly expect from someone who's close to me.You were EXTRAORDINARY,in the sense,you did more that what was expected of from you.
In a way,I'm so thankful to God for bringing you into my life during this crucial part of my life.Its amazing how you came at the right time.I'll never forget what you've done for me.You've suddenly put yourself at the top of my best friend list.You'll never be forgotten,and from now on,you have my friendship,which is the best thing I can give. =)
And of course,those of you who were trully there for me,you guys have been a blessing to me.I won't mention names,but you know who you are.Its been an honour knowing that you've stood with me,especially through this time.You guys are fantastic.I RESPECT you.
Now,I know for sure,that good friends,are so hard to find.Its almost impossible to find someone who'll stick with you through all the nonsense you're going through.I now know,who are my close friends,and those who just aren't worth talking to.Its funny,but,I've known some friends for such a long time,but its those that were there for me,that mattered.
Where would I be without friends today?Friends are the most important thing to me now,after God and my family.I don't know where I would be without them.I guess,1 of the few lessons I've learned from this ordeal is to cherish my friendships,especially those that are close to me.Perhaps,the best thing about true friendship,can be summarized in this short,but meaningful poem.
Friends are one of a kind,
They multiply the joy,
Divide the sorrow,
Subtract the past,
And add to tomorrow.
Most friends only will multiply your joy.But,rarely are those who divide the sorrow,subtract the past,nor add to tomorrow.Your best friends will do all those for you.Those who don't,are just there for you when you're experiencing moments of joy.But,they disappear when you need them the most,when you're going through the valley of despair and depression.
I've honestly learned to cherish friendship more than ever.Its been a traumatizing experience,still is,but the 1 good thing is,its given me an insight into friendship,and given me a great friend and a few others.Friends,can't live without them,and some say,can't live with them,lol.But thats not true,not if you find the closest friends.For they are the greatest treasure you can have on Earth,that money can't buy.
Oh goodness.What a long post!And most of it is on friendship.Thats how much it means to me now.I don't know where I'd be now,if it wasn't for friends.Here's a short poem I wrote about friendship.Its on my friendster profile,but I'll paste it here anywayz.
Friends always stand by you,
Even when you're going through the blues,
They stand steadfast,
Giving their support in whatever you do,
Knowing in the end,they were there for you.
It may not be the greatest poem on Earth,but,it helps remind me,that when you lose it all,there's 1 thing that will always be there,and thats friendship.Though I feel like I've lost everything,I'm glad,that its thought me,to appreciate friendship with all my heart.Peace out!
Signing out,
-Matt-
PS: Sorry for the extremely long post.I just feel like letting it all out.Took me almost an hour to write it all out. =P