Thursday, May 18, 2006
Ever felt confused?Its like you don't know what to do?Or felt unloved?Its like,you have a loving family,great friends and all,people who care about you,and a Heavenly Father who loves you.But then,there are times,when I feel so distant.Its like everyone seems to "ignore" u,if you can use that word.Maybe its cause I think too much?
I have a friend,who's so terribly sarcastic and critisizing.He keeps telling me,I'm too emo.I think too much.I used to take it as a joke,tell him off.But maybe its true?Maybe I do think too much?Negative thoughts?Run through my head all the time.I must really find a solution to block all this nonsense that goes through my head.
Maybe thats why I'm so moody at times,depressed.Can't seem to shake it off.Whats worse,I can't sleep sometimes until early in the morning,just because I think too much.So many "What if's?" and "If this happened,what would I do?".I tend to plan far ahead.Before I do something,and what are the consequences.Maybe this is something good,but yet,maybe I think too much.
I've been told over and over again,"Chill la,don't take it so seriously" and "Don't worry la,stop taking it seriously." This seems to cure me for awhile,it never does help in the span of a long term.Sometimes,I feel like crap and there's nothing I can do.
And last week,Chris just spoke on the topic of "Not worrying for tomorrow".I just can't seem to keep that mentality for long.And all this nonsense I keep in,nobody knows.It just accumulates,and 1 day,when someone crosses path with me,Boom!!,I blow.Causing me to lash out,as thats my only outlet.Then I look back,and regret what I've done.Cause I never meant to offend or hurt anyone.Its just that,I keep everything inside.Depression,anxiety,worries and my failures.
I'm so thankful for people that stood by me all the time,giving me advice.People like Dines,and Jeff.I just met them recently,and its as if we know each other for such a long time.Jeff,even more amazingly,is in a diff course,but I trust him so much already,its like,I've known him for years.Some problems are just never meant to be told to anyone.Thats why,I don't trust anyone to help me.Its cause I can't even tell them what it is.
But maybe this problems are caused by myself.Maybe my thinking is what caused all this mess.Sigh...I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy life the way I should.Even smiles are fake.Laughter is conjured.Just to cover up,what nonsense I'm going through.Its like I lead a life,not of my own.An "actor",acting out a life thats not mine.Wearing a mask,a mask of joyfulness,happiness,and smile,that surely conceals,my innermost feelings,my hurts,my pains,my agony,and yet,I conceal them,long enough,before it finally surfaces,caged up like a lion,and then set free,devouring everything in its path,held in for too long.
Probably due to the fact of my past and the experiences that I went through,I'm losing my identity.I do not know who I am.Recovering from the trauma of the past,that continually haunts me.Wondering,if I'll ever recognize myself again,after going through all this,only to come out victorious,but lose myself.Only time will tell,whether I can truly recover from this mess inside.
Crushed and burdened by thoughts far too deep for myself,by worries,that might not even be true,and most of all,striving,to find the true "me" and whats left of me.But I know,that He has a plan for each and everyone of us.What I may be experiencing now,could very well be a test.But,sometimes,running the race seems so hard.The test seems impossible to pass,the finishing line,miles away,the prize,too high to obtain.But I'm thankful,"For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Whatever this is,I know for sure,I'll strive to solving this endless mess that keeps on coming from nowhere,knowing in the end,1 day,I'll truly be able to end this "play" and to finally take out this mask that I now wear,and to experience life to the fullest,the way He planned for me to live,to live for whats truly mine,to achieve my goals and dreams in life,and finally,to love from the inside.
Signing out,
-Matt-
PS:Ben Yi,you better shut up if you're reading this.Don't you dare tell me its too emo.Its my blog,so I get to write what I feel. =P