A Diary of Emoness and Such

Officially Stopping Blogspot!

2006-11-15T17:42:00.000+08:00

Okay,so like this is my last time using blogspot.Sad,but I'll be changing to Xanga.So here's the add,just for those of you who wanna add.Oh,and it might seem incredibly cheesy or something,but don't judge me.Take care everyone.Goodbye blogspot.You've served me well.

http://www.xanga.com/MattNSharmie

-Matt-

I'll Be Gone,But Not For Long...

2006-11-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

Hello peeps.Decided to start a blog,and do some blogging in Xanga,so I'll be gone for a while.But since I'm here,I'll just do a lil recap on my day.But there really is nothing to talk about.Went to college and all,and I've got good news.The stupid book review due date,which was supposed to be tomorrow,has been postponed to next week.Oh my gosh!What a relief!

So that means,I get to be lazy and do last minute work,and I don't have to rush it today,so at least I get 1 more week to prepare.Otherwise,I'll die rushing it tonight,and studying for PIO tomorrow.Sigh,like what the heck man.Guess I'll be able to concentrate on my PIO revision today,do a bit of the book review,and then I'll leave the rest for another day.Tomorrow gotta rush the Business Communications report.Sigh...Sad.So hectic.

Well,see ya peeps.Will be testing out Xanga for a while.See which is better,though I'll miss Blogspot when I won't be using it.Have a good week.Peace out!

-Matt-

Care And Friendship Lavished,Now Its All Diminished...

2006-11-06T12:25:00.000+08:00

Been a somewhat long day.I'm bored out of my wits.There's nothing to do,other than station my ass right here,in front of the comp.Been staring at the screen since almost 8 in the morning,and I'm still here.I hate Monday's.Suppose to be studying for my accounts exam tomorrow,but what the heck.Maybe later.

Been around lately,and sadly,there are so many peeps suffering from the negative side of love.Its so sad,that its getting more and more complicated.Its sad,but guys are the worst jerks sometimes.I admit,I'm quite a jerk.Its sad,but I never perceived myself in such an image,until this year.

Yeah,I know.Its crazy sometimes,I lose myself.I mean,whoever said there won't be rough times,but only good times?Comes in part and parcel I guess.Well,learning from my mistakes are the only way I'll progress.After getting fired by certain parties,it kinda sucks.Too much has been happening in a week.Just glad its a new week.Hopefully,there's something I can look forward to.

Hmm,probably gonna switch from postpaid to prepaid today.Gone are the long calls,or even the short ones,depending on situation.But more smses!Hehe...Already deducted 50 bucks from my monthly allowance to pay for my bill this month.Haha...Less 50 bucks to spend.Oh crap...Guess gotta plan more.

Just bored.Guess I gotta really go study my accounts now.Sigh,I'm missing her so much.Gosh,it hurts so bad.Spent the whole morning smsing,but yet,it ain't enough.Ugh,gotta go keep myself busy.Study.Damn...I'll be waiting for you.

I Can't Hate You Anymore by Nick Lachey
An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore
....I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore [x2]

-Matt-

Don't Nag,You Sound Like An Old Hag.

2006-11-05T16:40:00.000+08:00

Am so not in the mood for anything now.Dad keeps nagging me about listening to secular songs,like what the heck?What the heck's wrong with that?I mean like,sheesh,such a stupid thing to talk about.Totally ruined my mood.Like,shit,what's wrong with that?I still don't understand.Even threatened to disable certain multimedia functionsin my computer.Like,whatever la.

I don't give a damn anymore la.Confiscate my MP3?Go ahead la.Sheesh,I'm tired of hearing the same old thing without a proper reason.Its just not friggin acceptable.Why other people are doing it and I can't?Damn lame.Well,I still have respect,no doubt about that,but like what the hell man?I'll think about it.

Another week's come and gone.Glad the week's gone.Been having 1 hell of a week.Just glad that its all over.Another moment,and I would have died.A lesson learned the hard way.No better way to learn the lesson than to get hurt in the process,feel the pain,and then promise yourself never to do the stupidest thing in the world.

Feeling weird all of a sudden.Like something's missing.Its so weird,I can't actually describe it.Aftereffects?No friggin idea.Its not good,its not bad either.Just feels weird.Oh crap!This feeling's really bugging me now.I've lost all ideas for blogging.Like oh my gosh.This doesn't look good.I hope it doesn't develop into something worse.

-Matt-

Caught In My Own Self-Caused Scandal,Left In Shambles

2006-11-04T06:40:00.000+08:00

4 hours of sleep,a football match and a long day ahead,and what do you get?Sigh...Woke up to the sounds of the beating of my heart,telling me how broken it was,beating its slow rhythmically beat.The beats sounded out of proportions,as it no longer beat with that joy and happiness of a new day.

Pushed away like I never existed.Squeezed to the max.All my feelings are being drained,leaving me with 1 big mess,too much to clean up,that its hurting me.Left all alone,and I realized,that here's the part of life,thats evaded me for a long while,and now,its back to haunt me.I haven't felt this low for a long time.

However,came to a realization,that maybe its time to stop letting my emotions get the better of me.Enough is enough! Tired of constantly giving in to its seduction,and being endlessly emotionally drained.Fight to keep it out of me.A long day ahead it seems,but then again,the journey always seemed perilious.

Will fight to survive,and get this obsession off my back.This pain,well,live with it.I ain't gonna be a sucker for emoness anymore.Get outta my life! Emoness no more.Pushing everything aside,I'll travel on,not knowing what's in store for me.I'll just live life the way it was meant to be,hopefully,never in solitude.

A new start.Press on.

-Matt-

Incomprehensible Pain,Lost Without Any Aim...

2006-11-03T08:02:00.000+08:00

Dazeless,woke up without knowing my directions.Suffering from the lack of sleep,swollen eyes,and a broken heart.How am I gonna get through the day?Only God knows.Preparing to die in college.Gotta somehow scrap through today,and then,I'll have 2 days to recover.Incomprehensible pain.

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Been alone for most of the afternoon,and been reflecting on what's been going on,and yes,hooray,I'm turning into a jerk.I've become a monster.I screwed up big time,and now,its time to fix this mess,once and for all.There's really no time to lose.Things have deteriorated so badly,I blame myself for everything that has happened.

Once again,I own up to my own mistakes,and self-caused mess,and I know when I'm wrong,but just can't help but wonder,how did I turn into such a monster?I guess its up to me to correct this mess,or I'll die trying.Trying to become a better person.I never meant to hurt anyone.I guess it really is the most painful thing in the world.

I've learned a painful lesson,a lesson I'll remember for the rest of my life.Its so pain,I wished I'd never said anything in the 1st place.If I was able to turn back time,I turn it back and make things right.But I guess,words are sharper than any sticks and bones.If guilt didn't kill me,regret would.I hope I can make things better.I wish...

Is it really necessary?I don't know.By the looks of things,I'd be crazy to continue acting like a jerk,and treating her the way I'm going on now.I'll be a total idiot,not to mention failure,if I didn't stop how I'm going about.Drastic?Not really...Something minor,I hope.Hope for the best.

Traumatized,cringing back into my shell,where from the very 1st day,I've never dared to stay in.Suddenly,it feels more comfortable.Hidden by its pleasantly comfortable darkness,hiding behind an altered figure,afraid to come out.The sun looks more glaring than ever.Even the wind seems stronger than it ever was.

Pushed back into the very beginning,from where I came from,thats where I'll go back.The question is,do I really have the courage to do just that,considering that I've been living outside my boundaries for so long.I just never wanna hurt anyone anymore.I'm just so afraid of causing grievious harm to those I love.

From the very start,I've promised never ever to become who I am today,and yet,the end product has transformed me into the very person I despised and was fighting against.The irony of life.I've turned into something that I've never wanna be known as,ever,and the price,is too heavy to pay.

Stepping back,I'll just protect those around myself by retreating.Who knows whether I'll ever regain back the confidence of exploring once again.I'm a hazard,a danger to those around me.Its no wonder I can't socialize at all.I just hope I'll be able to adjust as soon as possible.Wanna take the least amount of time possible to get accustomed to my surroundings.

-Matt-

Craving For Attention,Till Its Become An Obsession...

2006-11-02T14:19:00.000+08:00

Mind's messed up.Starting to get a bit fickle minded.Watching for any signs of progress,pondering what to do.Just thinking so much.Hmm,wonder if I still should go back on my decision.Its still somewhat torturing me.Wonder just how bad a major 'overhaul' can take effect on everything?

Don't know.Will just give it a few more days of observation,take down mental notes,and see what I can do to solve this.Complicated matters of the mind.Wished I could actually shut down my mind for a while and just chill.But well,this kind of stuff goes into consideration a lot.Will definitely consider it.

Until then,will just sit back,and see what happens.This situation is way out of my control.Can't do anything much.Argh,feel so helpless and useless.Cross my fingers,hope for the best,close my eyes,and wish upon a star.Hope I won't have to take any action regarding this.I really hate to bulldoze my way through this shit.

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Did the stupidest thing I could ever do,and now I regret it so much.Its eating me up slowly,killing me.I never realized I could suddenly turn into an insensitive jerk,with no thoughtfulness at all.And now,I pay the ultimate price.A guilt trip.Carrying this guilt with me,it feels like I'm the worst jerk ever.

I wonder if I'll still be loved.I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself.Maybe only you can help me to forgive myself.Argh,feel so bad now.Really feel like shit.Emo breakdown.Self-conflict going on within me.It hurts so much,it feels like I'm bleeding on the inside.I've taken my own heart,and smashed it into a million pieces.

Hurting you is the worst pain possible.I rather hurt myself than hurt you.The pain,so unbearable.Just don't know what else to say,but sorry.I wished I could make it up to you somehow,and I want to,if you'll only tell me what I can do.Hurt.Depressed.Disappointed with myself.I could have kicked myself for being such an idiot.

Matt feels like an idiot.

-Matt-

The Dawning...

2006-11-01T18:19:00.000+08:00

Just at the breaking of dawn,when it seemed like the shadows will be obliterated by the rays of light,rising up in the east,you realize that deep down inside,you don't feel the same,cause you've somehow been covered up with darkness itself,and there ain't no simple solution as awaiting and hoping for a dawn.

Somehow,life's been getting a bit tougher.I ain't gonna say why.Its just the way things are.I wished I could just let out the dark side inside me,and just let it all out,but,I know my limits.Its temptation might I add,and added to the fact that I have obligations,and an image to reflect,it comes to no surprise that I keep it all in.

I wished I could say there really is something to celebrate,but lately,its like there's nothing happening anymore.If my life were to be put on a line graph,all you'll see is 1 horizontal line right now.Life's just going at a really slow pace now.Just realized that nothing nice happens anymore,except occasionally.

If I recall,everything is just a mere paradox.Taking to flight are my hopes and dreams,only to stumble back to earth,as it loses altitude.Pushing for what I really want,I strive to make my own dreams come true.It seems that a sudden realization has hit me,that if I were to become independant,its time I actually put some seriousness into my studies.

Lets just say I've always dreamt of having so many things,that I could only imagine having in my wildest dreams.Not to say He isn't good.He is,but I've really sometimes to be honest despised the life I'm living.There are just times when I wished I could have this,or wished I could do this.

And pondering my ass out,I realized,that I wanna achieve all this as soon as possible.In fact,going into a relationship,I wonder if I'll ever be able to do justice to my other half.Its then,that I realized,that if I don't work my ass out,I'll be stuck in some dump.Its not as easy as it looks.Nobody's gonna walk up to me and hand me a million dollars.

Just wanna push and persevere,pressing on towards the goals I've set for myself.I wanna have all those things I never got to have.I wanna do all those things I never got to do.I wanna go places I never got to go.I wanna just reach the pinnacle,to be able to achieve and to be the best I can.I'm surprised,that I actually thought of all this because I realized that I gotta work towards it,even for her.

Of course it seems early,and it'll be crazy making assumptions,but taking it seriously,I strive to push forward,improve myself,and change my fate.Working my way up the ladder is what I'll do.Hard work,effort,I'm gonna change and give a 110% and push for my goals.I've set my targets,my dreams,and until I achieve them,I'll just keep faith in myself,hopefully,it'll spur me on to work hard.

I guess added to the fact that I have really wierd timings for wanting to talk to someone close,like early in the morning.And just to feel wanted.Just feel so unwanted.Perhaps I was always uncertain with whether I was alrite.I'm so used to answering "I'm alrite," even when I'm not.There's only 1 person who truly understands me,who dares to question me a few times,to find out if I'm really okay.

Its so easy to answer you're alrite,when deep down inside,you ain't.There really isn't anyone who's ever interested whatever happens to me.I'm just existing.Whether I'm sad or not,its not like anyone really cares.Whether I'm hurt or not,it doesn't matter,does it?There are only 2 peeps who will actually ask me whether I'm alrite.I guess everybody's too busy with their own life to care.Or is it because I'm just invisible?

Its no wonder I feel like I'm disappearing off the face of the earth.Unwanted.Just another face to look at.Just another memory.Just another someone average.Just another annoying sound to listen to.Just another guy without bringing any significance into anyone's life.Just another guy out there.Existing for the sake of existing...

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Anyway,all that aside,just gonna recap a lil what's been happening.I know I've been neglecting my blog for 3 days,but I was testing myself to see how long before I'll actually blog.Besides,nothing has really been of happening.

Monday,spent the whole day at home,rotting and slugging my way through the day.Didn't have much to do.Not to mention was on the brink of restructuring Matt.Therefore,was a bit in the lows.Hmm...I guess that won't be happening now.

Tuesday,went to college,sat for my econs exam,and then,went to TTDI for lunch.Was raining cats and dogs.Came back with literally nothing to do.Somehow managed to escape punishment for not doing my accounts homework. *Leaps gleefully*

Finally,today was basically 1 of those stress free days.Nothing much to study.Went to the computer lab for econs to do some stupid quizzes,and ended up getting some really really dumb results.Whatever! Its just quizzes we do to check on our progress,so no marks there anyway.

Got my results for the People In Organisation quizzes I took earlier on,and was 1 of the 2 peeps in class to actually get full marks.Unexpected,but thank God.Saw some rather dramatic stuff over in McD today.Interesting,as I haven't seen those kind of dramas since high school.Good stuff.Not to say I'm a sadist or anything,its just that I haven't experienced those for a long time.

Book review and report assignments are due somewhere next week.I'm gonna die.Haven't started anything at all.Gotta do the whole damn synopsis for the book,and not to mention type out a 1500 words report.Crap! All at once.I wanna go out desperately.Maybe somewhere on the 2nd week of this month.Hopefully...

Gotta have dinner,and then do my friggin accounts work.Sigh...blackmailed by accounts lecturer,that if we fail to hand it up tomorrow,5 marks will be deducted.What do you take us for?Kids?She's the only lecturer that gives that amount of homework,and EXPECTS,thats right,expects us to hand it in.Crazy...

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TAGGED
Seven things that scare me:
1. Losing those closest to me.
2. Ending up a failure in life.
3. The future.
4. Losng all my bestie,and ultimately living a life of loneliness(So close to happening)
5. Losing myself completely.
6. Failing to live up to peoples expectations.
7. Feeling depressed,lonely,insecure,unloved,unwanted.

Seven things that I love:
1. God.
2. Family.
3. Her.
4. Handphone.
5. Internet.
6. Blog.
7. Football.

Seven important things in my room:
1. Matress.
2. Pillows.
3. Bolster.
4. Air-cond.
5. Air-cooler.
6. Handphone
7. Fan.

Seven random facts about me:
1. I'm emo.
2. I'm crazily addicted to my handphone and MSN.
3. I wished I had more understanding besties who'll always be there for me.
4. I'm a loyal person,and I don't backstab.
5. I actually hate college cause my friends are all pretenders.Most of them anyway.
6. I'm a diehard Liverpool fan.
7. I think,plan and worry a lot about the future.

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
1. Be successful in my life,career,marriage and etc.
2. Travel around the world.
3. Finish executing His plans for my life.
4. Experience a Liverpool game at Anfield.
5. See all my loved ones getting saved.
6. Retire in the countryside,with a lakeside view,away from stress,havoc,city noise.etc.
7. Experience 'stuff'

Seven things I can do:
1. Breathe
2. Sleep
3. Eat huge amounts of food.
4. Online for almost the whole day.
5. Skip lunch.
6. Go crazy when I have to.
7. Being emo.

Seven things I can't do:
1. Live alone without friends.
2. Be as outstanding as everyone else.
3. Live 1 day without my handphone/
4. Live 1 day without the internet.
5. Curse.
6. Drive to places I wanna go(For now)
7. Sing.

Seven things I say most:
1. I love you.
2. I miss you.
3. Omigosh.
4. What the heck?
5. Damn...
6. Crap.
7. Bored ler...

Seven people who will have to do this:
1. You.
2. Him.
3. Her.
4. They.
5. We.
6. It.
7. Whoever's reading my blog(If you want to,no obligations)

-Matt-

Plain Disappointments....

2006-10-29T06:11:00.000+08:00

Just looking at things,and I don't even know why small details like this can actually cause such downright disappointments.Its like I'm making a big issue out of something small,but heck,thats me.Live with it.Really,its so stupid,and I know it should be nothing,but can you blame me for desperately wanting time to spend?

Its not like we have all the time in the world.It hurts knowing that the feeling is not mutual.I just can't put into words how I'm feeling.Yeah,so I'm emo.Sue me!Don't friggin judge me.Yeah,I know how to describe myself.I'm an emo sucker,who has the worst feelings of insecurity,and constantly seeks for reassurance and attention.

Go ahead.Laugh at me if you will.It just hurts knowing that maybe I'm putting in so much friggin effort,and it all goes to waste.Maybe guys are hard to understand.Maybe I'm hard to understand,but at least make an effort?Am I really that hard to decode and decipher?Or maybe its just plain density?

I can just feel my heart,literally ripped into 2,right from the top,to the bottom.I've tried,I really have,but ever wondered why I'm always insecure?Its cause of times like this,that are wasted just like that,and maybe its cause I've always looked forward to it,that when it doesn't materialize,I end up in disappointments.

So,screw me.I don't know why,but maybe I'm just some idiot with too much sensitivity going on inside of me.Insecure!Die Matt,die.Think too much,and you get an emo freak.Whatever...So much to say,but wonder if explaining it all to you would even make any sense.It might sound foolish and pure stupidity,but yeah,thats why I keep it in.

Maybe when everytime I said I was 'alrite',you just accepted it without even asking twice,or even thrice.Perhaps I was just waiting for you to ask again.But I guess it never occured to you to ask again.Chucked aside.I can feel my heart beating slower,and slower,bleeding itself to oblivion.Pain...And just when I thought I'd changed my mindset,this was probably 1 of the few things in the world that changes it all.

How the heck am I gonna serve today?I don't feel like it at all.I think I wanna pull out,just for this week.I'm not in the right frame of mind,and I can't focus.I'll just mess and screw up so badly.Maybe I'll just make a quick call later,and asked to be excluded from this week's duty.Don't wanna serve with the wrong attitude.

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[Edited Post]

Suffering from the self-inflicted trauma,when I decided,enough is enough.I'm causing enough problems for myself.I've got to change my whole perspective,and that means,changing Matt.Never before has this been done successfully.Lets hope this will be a success,considering the fact that I've always caused myself to feel down,depressed,and hurt,just cause of expectations.

I guess,the biggest change would be my approach in this.Maybe I'm a lil too active,or agressive.I'm tired of constantly doing most of the work.Its time I be passive.Whatever comes,let it come.Being agressive means having to initiate stuff,and then end up disappointed when things don't go my way.

I'll just sit back and relax.Realized that I've been changing into more and more like a jerk ever since I personalized myself to be agressive in handling this.I guess I'm forcing too many things,and it just ain't the way.I've made myself tired for nuts,constantly worrying myself sick,and then ending up in tears.

Character evaluation; not so good.Its time to move on,and change for the better.Though it'll be amazing if I can even actually change once and for all,considering the fact that I've always fought against time,planned the next step,and then in the end.i end up with a whole basket full of disappoinments,hurts,and "Why's?" as well as "What if's?"

I'm done.This is wearing me out.Somehow,gotta learn to get my own life,instead of revolving my life all around it.Realized that somehow,things just gotta be done in another way,and looked at differently.I guess this wil be the last time you see emo Matt,hopefully.I'm done being Matt.Its time to change.Just too tiring carrying on,the way I'm leading my life.

Okay,enough of serious stuff.On a lighter note,just gonna recap what's been going on in life.Hmm,well,had youth cell yesterday night.Also had worship practise before that.Nothing much happened.We had an okay time.Got to know a few peeps better.Perhaps nothing much happened is a good thing ei?

Well,due to some problems I caused for myself yesterday night,I was in a bad mood this morning.SMSed Uncle Wai Yuen and even asked if he wanted me to play for him,cause I told him I wasn't prepared,but in the end,he knocked some sense into me,and I figured,"Yeah,serving Him is more important." So I shoved my problems aside.And somehow,during the service,I thought of the word change.

Hence,the new outlook on life.Just wished I had more friends.They'll probably help me to change for the better.Had mamak lunch at a mamak in Section 14.Drove Uncle Stanley's car(Without a 'P' sticker mind you).But it was nearby,so it was okay,I guess.Had youth service,with only 7 of us.How cool.And then,finally,carolling practise,and my weekends are over.

Econs exam coming up in 2 days,not to mention the dateline for the book review.Time to write down a thesis on the long synopsis of "The Alchemist." Hmph,and today marks the 1st day,of losing 1 of my besties.Ir hurts,but screw it.Its also the first day,of the new Matt.Welcome to my life.

-Matt-

Reasons...

2006-10-27T13:32:00.000+08:00

The reason I always am online,is cause I'm waiting for the messenger alert to tell me you're online.

The reason I always write you testi's,is cause I want the whole world to know how much I love you.

The reason I always stroke your hair,is cause I just love the way your hair runs through my fingers.

The reason I always blush when you're around,is cause I've lost my words,and whatever I've planned to say to you when you came into my view.

The reason I have mood swings and get all depressed,is cause I realized how badly I've missed you,and there's nothing more I rather see right then,than you.

The reason I always get you gifts,is to make you smile,and just enjoy the surprise look you have on your face thats so priceless.

The reason I SMS you everyday,is to let you know,that I still miss you and love you,even when everyone else seems to have stopped.

The reason I stare at you everytime we meet,is cause I realized that nothing else matters anymore when the most beautiful person enters the room.

The reason I tease you,is just to see how cute you look when you're 'angry' or when you sulk.

The reason I tell you that you're beautiful,is cause I mean it,and you're just the most beautiful person to me.So stop denying it,even if you think its not true.Cause I mean it!

The reason I tell you "I miss you" is cause you have no idea how badly I'm suffering,and I really wanna spend every second of my life with you.

The reason I tell you "I love you" is cause you've owned the key to my heart,that special podium in my heart,that tells me,I'll always love you,as long as you love me.

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Its been another routine-ish day.Went to college just to waste my time away.Did nothing but sit in class and talked away.Watched presentations.Sigh...What a day.Still got quite a lot of stuff to do,like preparing songs and all.Oh my gosh!Sigh...What a day.

Hmm,well,read a bulletin post on friendster that day,a sort of online survey,and I was touched that I was actually remembered. "6 people you can tell almost anything," and my name was listed.In a way,though we hardly talk,only met once,and only chat online,but at least there is someone out there who actually appreciates me.I hope you're reading this!

And everything kinda changed a lil yesterday after my recent post.Well,at least things are much better now,I hope.However,knowing me,goodness knows how long I'll be able to stay like this.There really is no telling.Mood swings can be a hassle,but then again,its part of me,no matter how hard I try to change myself.

Glad we're communicating again.Its been awhile.I somehow felt much better,and was extremely touched that you actually woke up to 'teman' me when I woke up at 5+.Much thanks.Hopefully we'll build on this and maybe things will be back to normal.

But yeah,I kinda miss those old times.Though everything else is different,but I hope that nothing changes.I know I can depend on someone else,but she can't hold up everything.She can't carry all the burdens.She can only do so much.I love her to bits,but then,I'll always have time for you.Always...

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On another note,I would like to know what the heck is going on?This post might be irrelevant to most of my readers,but its directed to someone I thought I knew,someone who doesn't give up easily.Someone who promised me to persevere,and fight to the very end.Someone who I thought would never give up on everything she stood for.

Even if you're ignoring me,at least be courteous enough to give me a friggin reply.I was even nice enough to tell you I wouldn't give up on you,cause I know I won't.But tell me this,is replying a sms so hard?Just tell me,whether its a yes,or a no.Do you know all the hard work and effort I put in to organize last minute meetings,and this is how you treat it?

Don't even wanna friggin reply me?Even if you don't wanna ever talk to me,do me this favour and just reply me your answer.Then,you're not obligated to even bother about me,though like I've told you so many countless times,I've always been,and will always be here whenever you need me.

Do you even know how worried I get?You at least owe me an answer.What the heck...I don't have any right to be angry at you though.I know you're hurting and all,and you're in the worst possible mood now,but you at least should reply to let me know whether its a yes,or a no.Damn it.I feel so bad now...

-Matt-

PS: Crap.This has turned into an emo post! Oh My Gosh!!!

Not Good Enough...

2006-10-26T08:32:00.000+08:00

The start of a new day it seemed,or maybe,the start of more problems.Woke up at 4.30,and I'm seriously gonna drag myself through college.Feeling so demotivated,and not in the mood to do anything for that matter.Just so sick and tired of all the countless presentations,assignments and exams.

Once again,insecurity struck me with its bitter ballad,causing me to fall once again into that same abyss that I've managed to crawl out of the previous time.It seems like it never wants to let me go.And I just feel that I ain't good enough for anyone.Its funny how this should occur right now,but maybe I've been thinking too much.

Yet again,I am once again dumb-founded as to how it hits me again,no matter how hard I try to push myself from being like this.Just that,considering all factors,considering the possible near future,and considering how time is running out on me,I feel intimidated,and just the mere feeling of insecurity.

I ain't good enough for anyone.One of my bestie's have chosen to just be free from friendship.Choosing along to walk life's lonely path,I guess this signifies the end of yet another close friendship that I once shared.Gone,just like that.Adds to the fact,that I just ain't good enough for anyone.

I can actually count with my fingers,how many bestie's I have left in this world,and very soon,the figures will dwindle so much,that I'll probably be left with 1,or nothing.It doesn't help to know,that circumstances will always be there to get in between things.I wonder if I'm just not social enough,or that I don't deserve bestie's.

Maybe I'm not a good friend to anyone,no matter how hard I try.I just find the current place I'm studying in,almost impossible to find any best friend material,and its sad,but besides my family,if a question was posed to me,on how many peeps I would jump in front of a bullet for,there would only be 4,with a maximum of 5,excluding my family.

And yet,here I am,wondering what's the point of living,when the not-so-distant future arrives,and I'm left here,all alone.Things will never be the same.Losing a bestie to circumstances.Even worse,losing the closest person to me through circumstances.I don't know what I'll do.I don't even know what's the use in doing anything.

Just so sick of it all.Its nothing new that I'm feeling insecure.Somehow,only 1 person has managed to make me feel secure,and I know,she has her own life to live,and can't possibly be there all the time.Yet,I've dedicated my time,and everything else,just to know,that even if she can't be there all the time,I will.

Now,all I can do,is hang on for dear life,and live with feelings of insecurity.

-----------------------------------------------------

[Edited Post]

Instead of using the kind of language that normally requires deeper thinking,I'm just gonna rant it all out in simple language,cause I really can't think straight.Is this a weakness?Is it stupidity to depend on other peeps?College life is getting tougher by the moment.

Everywhere I look,I see the 'clicks' and groups,hanging out together.Me?I'm just a friggin loner,lost,all alone in a seemingly world of mine.However,I'm just so tired of going on anymore.There are times,when I just wanna give up,and let go.There are times,when I wished,I could go home,and that would be the loveliest thing in the world.

I miss my bestie's.I miss them so much.But yet,somehow,I don't seem to have them.I've been deserted,left to face this rotten world,all by myself.In constant need of attention and companionship,my life's a living hell without them.I feel like its all so pointless.

Call me an attention craving idiot for all I care.I'm just tired,of facing it all alone.I wished He'd answer my call for Him to be my bestie.I do missed the past,somewhat.I do miss having peeps who actually care for me.Now?Not many peeps do.There hardly is anyone who I can turn to.

Feel like a burden,that whoever who comes in contact with me,has to carry the load with me.I feel the pain on loneliness.When everything else falls,only friends stand there,supporting what's left of you,but what happens,when they desert you too?I wonder if this is some kind of desperate call for a bestie.

I'd give up everything,anything,just to have a bestie,who's always there,who'll always be there for me.Who'll always ask how I'm doing.Who'll always send me smses,just to let me know that they care.Who'll always be a sms away,and with 1 push of a button,I'll get reassurance,that I'm loved,and that I'm actually remembered.

Why is it so hard to get bestie's?Are they that rare?When everything is loss,they're all that will be standing.Life without friends,is like food without salt.Tasteless,blend,boring,and without a reason to live.It hurts so bad,knowing that I'm losing even the closest peeps to me.Will I be left all alone?

All alone.It seems...How long will it take,for someone to actually care?I guess,nobody wants bear the burden,of being a bestie to me.Guess I ain't the best person to be friends with.I'm too troublesome,too burdensome.Abandoned,left all alone.Kills...

-Matt-

Moments of joy;shortlived...

2006-10-25T17:12:00.000+08:00

Just came back from another long day.Was at 1U for half the afternoon.Yesterday was already a long day.Met up with some old school buddies,and caught up with ermm,games.Went for 4 hours of gaming.Crazy stuff.Forgot how fun it is to Dota,as well as releasing tension,stress and etc. through the firing of guns.Unfortunately,we didn't get to play CS,which was a disappointment.

At night,went for a house warming.Was so friggin tired,I could have fallen asleep if it wasn't for the crampy-ness and we were all rather stuffed,in terms of food and space to move about.Managed to sleep until 7+,which was a miracle,considering I've been waking up at around 5.30 for the past few days.Hate waking up so early,cause my mind is empty,and ready to be attacked with negative thoughts.Sheesh...

Today,I was actually allowed to drive to 1U on my own.Wow,its a miracle.Met up with Sarah,her cousin,and my baby for a movie.Watched John Tucker Must Die.It wasn't at all a bad movie,though it was another chick flick.Been watching chick flicks lately,and just before this,watched Devil Wears Prada.My gosh.What am I turning into?

Hardly got to spend time though,due to yet again circumstances.Hmm,am really starting to get tired of circumstances.Don't think I've ever had a time,when circumstances worked out for me.Has always been against me.Time,time and time.Just as anticipated,time caught up with us.And there you have it...2 days,summarized in 4 paragraphs.

Having my friggin Business Communication presentation tomorrow.Like what the heck?I don't wanna go back to college.Heck,I don't even wanna do anything.Sigh...

Moments of joy;shortlived...

-Matt-

[Worries + Future] + Negative thoughts = Depression + Emo-ness

2006-10-24T07:19:00.000+08:00

I opened my handphone,and took a quick glance at the time stated at the top left. "Oh crap.5.20am." Tossing and turning,I struggled in vain for 10 minutes,which seemed like a long time.Finally,I took another peep,and found out,only 10 minutes had past.I got up from my bed,and went to the hall.

Glancing out from a window,I could see the twilight sky,as it seemed,that darkness still enveloped this part of the world during this time.The sound of morning prayers from a nearby mosque,echoed endlessly across the air.Constantly haunted by negative thoughts ever since I woke up,I was frustrated at how depression chose to attack me now.

The loss of sleep would not only make the rest of my day a bit tiring,but it'll totally kill me,as once again,the worries of the future once again flooded my mind.Gasping for air,I wished I could block out all these thoughts.Tormenting me endlessly,pushing me to the limits,I tried to fight all these thoughts,but realized,without His help,without a doubt,I'll fail.

I just realized how important you were to me.I realized,that the possibly of losing you,might seem even more imminent after hearing what I did about the education system.Really broken.I realized no one can ever love me the way you do,that I'm just gonna be all alone to face the world out there.I don't know whether the source of it all is my insecurities.

I thought I'd managed to put all these thoughts aside.It seemed not.I'm having 1 heck of a time trying to push aside this thoughts till the right moment for them to come out.Words unspoken.Thoughts irrelevant.Feelings that hurt so much.I will not let depression take over my system,and I'll fight it with all my might.It just seems easier to give in than to fight back.

Maybe its caused I'm too used to giving in,and therefore falling into it seems to be routine-ish.Must get all these negative thoughts out.I need you so bad right now.Oh crap.I can't believe I'm being emo again.Driving me insane.Don't wanna be brought down by mere frustration or concoctions of destructive thoughts of the mind.

-Matt-

Happy 2nd Month Anniversary!!!

2006-10-23T07:13:00.000+08:00

It seems like only yesterday that we celebrated our 1 month anniversary.Time flies,and I'm fighting against time,but in vain.Anyway,I just wanna say Happy Anniversary baby! There really is nothing much to say.I've said everything already.You've been wonderful,and I can't put my feelings into words.

Thanks for everything.You've showed me what the word 'love' means.You've brought a whole new meaning of the word 'love' into my life.And since I've said most of what I wanted to say through the testi and smses,I'll just keep it until here.I love you so much!There really is no one who can replace you.Love you!

------------------------------------------------------

There's a lil more joy to be spread around.I finally met my new baby cousin yesterday!Went and visited my uncle and aunt!Danielle,born on the 16th of October 2006,she's about 3-4 pounds.Yes,she's real cute,and so adorable.She's a darling.Today's exactly 1 week since she entered the world.Some pics of her! =)

Danielle...=)

Another pic of Danielle. =)

Hehe,so yeah.A new edition to the family.Hahaha,so happy!Hmm,I guess thats about it.Nothing much to blog about.Its too early in the morning.Hmm...Had problems sleeping again.Bleah....Woke up at 5.30 and have been awake ever since.Oh my gosh! I need caffeine!Have to drive to Rawang later some more! Yay! Oh well...Peace out!

Oh,and Happy Deepavali plus Happy Raya to whoever is celebrating!Hehe...Enjoy your hols peeps.Hopefully,I'll be able to enjoy mine. =/

PS: Never ever blog early in the morning,cause your brain has yet to wake up.Also,thanks Nic for the comments on my font colour.Haha...Hence the change in font colour to yellow. =P

----------------------------------------------------

[Edited Post]

So we went all the way to Rawang to spend half the day eating.I didn't even get to drive,like what the heck man?What a way to spend an anniversary.I mean like,no privacy.Too many lamp posts!!What a waste of time.Did nothing but eat,eat and eat.I think I put on weight already.

I don't care.Just told my parents that for the next 2 days,I get to go out wherever I want.There's too much time to waste on stuff like that.Not to mentioned I purposely finished off my powerpoint presentation earlier,just to clear my schedule.So there had better be something good coming out of the next 2 days,or I'll hate myself.

Sheesh,like I'm so friggin bored.So the only thing I could do was sleep.Like,shucks.I couldn't even sleep properly cause of the incredibly high amount of 'noise pollution'.I was like so tempted to take the guitar,play whatever song they wanted to sing,and then we'll be able to go back home.Oh my goodness.Mere boredom.Drives me crazy!

Like,whatever man.A whole load of crap.What a day...

-Matt-

Dedicated to a Best Friend.

2006-10-21T12:02:00.000+08:00

I came,nearer and nearer,
But the harder I tried,the further I was pushed away,
And soon,my eyes became clearer,
I guess its time we went our separate ways.

When my world collapsed around me,
The enthusiasm of helping out dimmed,
No matter how hard I tried,you seem to flee,
And I noticed,that no matter what,the past was a dream.

Its just so routine to walk away,
When things are not okay,
I guess circumstances never permitted,
But I wanna remember you as someone I trusted.

The impact you made in my life,
Will always leave that significance,
Just like a scar that is left by a knife,
In my life,you made a difference.

Looking back at those moments,
They will always be cherished,
And now,how I lament,
That those moments have diminished.

Though things may never be the same,
I'm glad that in my life,God chose you,
Instead of wealth,power,or fame,
He gave me something money can't buy,
He gave me you.

Though we're never close,
There were countless times I wished we were,
You were like a rare jewel,a precious rose,
Now,its just a dream,wishing for more.

The future is uncertain,
The journey ahead,rough,
However,one thing is certain,
I wish you all the best,stay tough!

-Matt-

Randomness...

2006-10-20T13:31:00.000+08:00

This section is dedicated to my dearest cousin,Ashley! Today's your birthday,and I just wanna thank God that I've got such a great cousin like you.Though we hardly see each other,but you're a great cousin.The best in the world,or at least to me.You know what I mean!

Happy Birthday girl! I wanna thank you for all those times you were there for me,all those long calls you made when I was down,all the times you tried to cheer me up(but didn't really work anyway).Hahaha...You've been a really really great cousin,and I couldn't ask for more.

So,this is a shoutout to my dearest cousin.May all your dreams and wishes come true.you'll be sorely missed when you go to Australia next year,and I hate thinking of that.Oh,and sorry I couldn't make it out with ya for the outing.Just no transport.So,all the best.Have a great day!

PS:I still need to pass you your prezzie soon! =P

-------------------------------------------------

Hmm...a rather relaxing day.Nothing much happened.There wasn't even much lessons today.I friggin hate waiting for replies on sms,when they don't come at all.Added to that,it keeps me waiting all day.Maxis has to be stupid and disconnect all message reports! What's wrong with them?

So thus,begins my 3 day holiday(Weekends do not count at all),and I've got quite a bit of stuff to do.Have a few more assignments to pass up before the finals next month.I just realized its about a month away.Oh crap! Its amazing how time flies.

And I just turned down an invitation to a friend's surprise party,free of charge,just for the simple fact,of avoiding lousy company.Though its free,but then,I don't wanna go there,and be ditched,while everyone else is busy talking with themselves,or too busy with their girlfriends.Hypocrites!

Unfortunately,those peeps who are considered good friends,or even besties of mine,aren't invited,so I ain't going either.Its all nonsense when you're gonna go there just to eat,and be ditched.I don't really like all of you.The looks on your faces tell me that I'm not wanted,and I don't even give a damn anymore either.I'm ditching you guys before you ditch me,though its already been done.

Really,you guys are worse than jerks.When my birthday came,did any of you even wished me?Except for 1 or 2,the rest of you didn't even know.So like now,its ***'s birthday,and you're treating it like Hari Merdeka or something.A big celebration and all.What's this?31st of August?

Imagine spending so much on his birthday.Utter nonsense! And I really wanna say,I feel so sorry for Wei Binn,cause you jerks asked him to pay money,but he didn't really wanna go,and yet,he paid.And he works his friggin ass off on weekends,while you losers get money from your parents,and yet,he has to pay.What's worse,you didn't even wish him anything on his birthday,and now you expect him to feel wanted?

He even wanted me to go in his place,but I obliged,knowing I'll see all your loser faces there,and I'll be ditched and pushed aside.You knuckleheads! I don't even know you anymore.I'm so tempted to say worse things,but since I know its wrong,I shall go no further.

And don't even think inviting me,means I'll be nice to you.The fact is,you never invited me until 1 hour before you guys were about to leave.What kinda planning is that? "Oh well,since we got less 1 people,I guess we're gonna have to ask Matt to go for the party."

Thats probably what you're thinking.Well,I ain't gonna be ditched.I'm gonna ditch you guys.I'm gonna have my own life.You stay out of mine,and I'll stay out of yours.So don't come begging to me for anything next time,cause I ain't gonna even bother listening.

-Matt-

Living For The Moment,Or Trying To...

2006-10-19T15:46:00.000+08:00

Its getting incerdibly hard to live for the moment.Knowing the truth sucks so bad,its killing me,and eating me from the inside.Just feel like every moment spent apart,is a moment wasted,and never to be retrieved back again.So its killing me,and I can just feel the pain every single moment alone.

Still digesting this,and hopefully,it won't be long.Maybe an outing would do me good?Just waiting for the perfect moment to arrive.I've waited long enough,and there's no better moment than the present.Was reading a book,for my stupid English assignment,called "The Alchemist." Here's an extract of what really caught my attention.

"Because I don't live in either my past or my future.I'm interested only in the present.If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man.You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race.Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."

"...and he wanted to live it as he did the lessons of his past and his dreams of the future."

It just really hit me,and yes,though I've been sorta living in the present,but yet thinking about the future,but its because thats the way I am.Yet,somehow,I gotta accept this,get on with my life,live it to the fullest for now,and worry about the future when its time to face up to the cold hard truth.Its been tough this past few days,but hopefully,I'll recover and push it aside soon.I'll make this,and the next, the best year for the both of us,hun.

Enough of the emo stuff.Just gonna update what's been going on in this crazy life of mine.Finally finished my Business Comm. presentation today,and according to my lecturer,I was the best presenter among my group,and I got a 9/10,though I would have wished for at least a bit more,but who cares?Its over.The amazing thing is,I memorized my points just before I had to present.

Also got my phase exam 2 results for Business Comm. results back,and I only also got a 9/10.Sad right?I ain't the highest.I could cry.Life's like that.Gotta accept it and move on.On another note,I've got so much stuff to do.Been terribly occupied lately.Thank God for the hols next week.I just need it so badly.Need to go out with my baby.Miss you so much! Its killing me.

Hmm,and there's been a sudden surge in PDA's going on in class.Guys,I'm happy for the both of you,but what the heck's wrong with you guys?In fact,can't you guys like do it somewhere else?Its okay to even have that kinda stuff in class,but must you like do it in front of me?You trying to test my jealousy level?Its really testing my patience.

Pfft,fine.I admit,I'm friggin jealous,but thats just cause you guys get to see each other every other single day.Please,don't do it in front of me.Oh goodness! Its like,oh crap.I can't even say anything.Damn! I'm friggin jealous.I can't even believe I'm putting this down on my blog,so whatever.If you read this,DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Other than that,nothing much happened.Managed to play a good game of footie that day,though it rained halfway.Darn it.Oh well,can't wait for the hols to be here.Its just around the corner,and 1 more day of college,and I'm done for the week.Can't wait to get it over with.Have a quiz tomorrow as well.Sheesh.One after another.

Live for the moment.Must digest,and push it aside.Get out negative thoughts! I miss my baby so much! <3

---------------------------------------------------

Just a random post since I'm all alone,and ditched.Everyone's busy with their own superficial affairs.I'm just rotting at home,doing nothing about it.Screw it.Its just kinda sad all my bestie's can't be assessed to 24/7.Don't even know who's my bestie's anymore.

Rot rot rot!Die damn it.I evny some peeps who's bestie's can be assessed any time of the day(This includes in the wee hours of the morning).Sucks so bad! Sucks so bad! I hate this! Die die die!What a way to end a Thursday night.

-Matt-

Of Brokenness and Shattered Dreams.

2006-10-18T08:07:00.000+08:00

For the 1st time,I'm speechless.

Lost for words.

Shattered dreams.

Probably the shortest post ever.

Just one word to summarize and continue from my previous post.

Broken.

-Matt-

Incomprehensible Pain!

2006-10-17T22:37:00.000+08:00

Crushed beyond recognition.Hurt beyond expressions.Depressed without limits.The very beating of the heart,stopped as soon as those words rang inside my head.The essence of the human being,the soul,stabbed to its very depths,contaminating its very core,bringing to effect,a severe and critical condition,called "breakdown."

Lost in this state of mind,I'm dumbfounded as I hear helplessly,those words,echoing inside my head,bouncing around,leaving a deadly mark,eating through my flesh,bringing the most painful of all pains.My first reaction to it,were the signals that were sent out by the brain,carried into motion by the neutron cells,and finally,causing breakdown to occur.

My whole world came crashing around me,as I stood helplessly,as circumstances once again reared its ugly head.Taking over my life,it ripped apart,bit by bit,as my life begin to reveal its further course that it was heading to.Slowly,circumstances showed how ruthless it can be when the time comes for it to strike and release its venemous poison as its teeth sank deep into my skin.

In a state of shock and disbelief,I found it almost entirely impossible to accept it.A dagger,pierced through,and there to stay,as I tried in vain to dislocate it from my heart,but it stayed there,stuck,as I cried out in agony and in frustration.The dark shadow of depression began to take its toll on me,causing all kinds of negative thoughts to flow through my head.

This time,I was paralyzed,paralyzed with fear.All of a sudden,gloom entered in,and corrupted the whole system.The beautiful melodious music that once ran in my head,began to fade away,and disappear,as I let nature run its course.Where were all my best friends?With only Eu Jin,and my dearest cousin by my side,I was wondering just what happened to the others.

As she tried in vain to calm me down,keep me back on the right track,I couldn't believe that in time,I might lose her.With nowhere left to turn,I resided to my bed,and turned to my other outlet,tears.I just let it all go freely,as the tears just came down,and rolled onto my cheeks,leaving a trail of moist.But above all,those were the tears of sadness,grief,pain,anguish and plain heartache.

Pushed to my limits,I have finally reached breakdown point.More than ever,I need you to reassure me,to be there to hold my hand,to spend whatever time left we have together,to receive all this love that I have for you,and just to be by my side,as time catches up.More than ever,I wished with all my heart,that time would just stop right now.

Pain,grief-striken,hurt,anxiety,anguish,depression,worries,the melancholic sounds of a broken heart.They all fill the air,as I cry this tears of plain sadness.Let them roll down freely,expressing them out through an outlet,knowing that its all momentary,before I have the need to let it all out again.I just need to love you more and more.

-Matt-

Playing The Waiting Game Never Got Anyone Any Gain...

2006-10-15T18:01:00.000+08:00

Confounded.I'm lost for words.Isn't the best opportunities in life always wasted just by the "sitback and watch" mentality?It doesn't work,does it?Opportunities come and go.If its not grabbed by the neck,regrets is all your pockets will be filled with,not to mention that stabbing thought in the mind,"What if I had done this?"

Its just plain stupidity,and though I've tried changing my mentality,I have,but its just that,golden opportunities not taken kills all my effort I've put in.I should just stab myself for being so dumb.Can't say I didn't try though.Things just don't work out the way it should friggin be.I've learned that life is a real *****.

I'm sick and tired of all this shit.I'm tired of breaking down into tears everytime this kinda shit happens.I'm tired of thinking about expectations and the friggin disappointments.I guess I always had this stupid thought that,things will somehow piece itself together to form that complete jigsaw puzzle that I've wanted to make.

Nothing's worse than a big expectation been extinguished,followed by an even bigger disappointment that really just pisses me off.Nothing seems to go my way now.What did I do to deserve such shit?I need a hug.I'm becoming emo again,and I can't let that happen.I just can't.Not after I've had that few days of change.

Discouraged.Ever notice how a pile of shit comes together with another?My dad had to choose to lecture me just when all this shit happened.Wow,what a friggin coincidence!What utter nonsense!Just really pissed off.I was in such a good mood today,but it all just disintegrated within moments.So pissed!

Go on!Rant your nonsense to me.Talking about forgiveness,I actually felt a release inside when I actually forgave a few certain party's who had annoyed the crap out of me.Now that I'm so annoyed,I don't feel like in a forgiving mood now if any dumb ass were to come to me and piss me off right now.

Hate all these roller coasters going round and round,as I sit helplessly,ravaged by its stabbing pain that its leaving in me.Circumstances can seriously piss off.Go die go die! I hate you! Ignorance is bliss.I wished I could have the luxury of having ignorance.It'll be so much more nicer.Stab stab stab!

Friggin tired.Tired physically,mentally,emotionally.I need a boost.Or I'll seriously breakdown for good.Just when I needed that extra boost,I got disappointed.Now,I gotta face another stupid week on my own.Life's treating me like shit.Circumstances suck so bad.And I'm a sucker dying for attention.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies by Panic! At The Disco

Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,

and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:

"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.

"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."

I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of...

Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved

Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne

Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved

Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne

I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Again...

I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"

No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Again...

-Matt-

Change for the Better!

2006-10-13T08:09:00.000+08:00

Suddenly,the world looks different alltogether.What's this?Maybe it ain't the same anymore.Change my friggin perspective on life,and a whole load of crap.Looking at things from a different angle,and I somehow feel lighter,and there ain't no burdens anymore.Its like,now,all I need to do,is deal with the basic problem I've been having.

Bulldozing my way through life,I feel as if I can take on anything.Weakening my grasp,and limiting it to just holding on so a single thread.Just to make sure I've got control on everything.Hanging by a thread,it feels like I was gasping for air all the time.Now,all I feel is,something else different.

Probably changing my point of view,and how it all should be,I've gained more strength to push over any friggin obstacle in my way,and just solve it easily.Never would I in my wildest dreams,have thought I'd become like this.Instead of being the same ole' sappy emo freak that I once was,I feel as light as a feather.

Life is hard,but changes can be for the better.My friend was right. "Life is short,you gotta learn to have fun,or you'll regret later on." Having said all that,it just ain't gonna be the same anymore.Wondering what the word 'fun' would mean to me,considering the fact,that I'm carrying so many heavy responsibilities,plus the burdens of studies.

However,looking at things differently definitely has helped lighten the load so much.I'll never be the same again.Thank God He "slapped" me and woke me up.I even thought that it was gonna be a hard decision to make,considering it would mean changing my whole lifestyle,but I guess I can't say I regret making such a contrast change.Just hoping this doesn't bring a change to anything major in life.

Now the only problem would be to keep this up,or the possibility of reverting back to the old miserable sappy self might just occur.Convincing myself was the hardest thing,and now,hanging on and continueing this 'routine' check-up would be the challenge.Whatever man,I'm ready to face it.

-Matt-

Vicious Contemplations.

2006-10-11T17:44:00.000+08:00

It isn't without a reason that we're placed where we are today.Everything happens for a reason.Our lives were predestined,and it all goes along like some kind of classical play,where we're just the actors and actresses,moving along,living our lives the way it was preordained.Almost as if by clockwork,its like watching a movie.

Do feelings,emotions,and how we feel all fall into the category of predestined as well?If it is,I wished that this feelings were more stabil and not so shaky.For some stupid reason,I've got extra active raging hormons.Constantly in an unstabil state,still learning to control the flow of things.Almost as if I'm a walking timebomb.

Did a simple test and found out,I'm quite average,and not that emo at all.What the heck???Why am I being emotionally unstabil then?What's up with me then?Going through a major phase of life,and I'm changing into someone I don't even recognize.The only thing I can be thankful is having the most important person in my life next to me to pull me through.

Just realized a very very weird trend thats going on in college.Why are some of the guys who are having a steady relationship,becoming gay at the same time?Is it some kind of chemical reaction towards love?Spending too much time with your girlfriend can turn you gay because you're lacking guy attention?Or maybe their progresteron and astrogen hormons that are the minority,which has been hibernating has been activated?What a horrible thought!!!

There's just so much touching around among the guys in class.I know its suppose to be 'play around' but doing all that in class?Its getting a bit disgusting as well as distracting.I can't help but watch pitifully as some of them wallow in distinct childishness.Its amusing,but at the same time,I just feel so sorry.Hmm...I guess I really am different.

Maybe I'm taking life too seriously?Or maybe my level of maturity is a few levels higher?I'm not boasting,but the fact that I don't find being gay,or touching around in class amusing kinda shows it all,doesn't it?All the symptoms show.If being a bit too mature means a harder inability to find a proper bunch of peeps to be called your friends,in other terms,being more towards a loner,doesn't it show?

The weird thing is,I never had this kinda problems during high school.In fact,I was more of a social person,or in other words,a 'people's person.' Having to suddenly deal with a sudden loss or inability to blend in and mix around with the crowd,its all just too strange for me.Maybe its cause of certain things that has happened.

I guess it has its pros and cons.Adapting to college life is harder than I expected.The perception that everything will be smooth sailing is definitely a deception.Heck,its only the 1st year of a long 4 years.This is only the beginning,and I somehow gotta find an alternative social life somewhere outside.This group of people I call friends,just can't be really depended on and fully relied on.

This burden that I carry,is unfathomable.How to resolve it?I really don't know.Its the worst kinda feeling when you feel all alone and there really is not many people who you can confide in.There really isn't much hope,if all I'm gonna do is stare the problem in the eye,without taking action,but there really isn't much choice than to bear with it.

Sigh...Growing up pains.Sucks so bad.I think I've been given too many raging hormons at the same time.I'll have to make do with whatever I have.Hang in there Matt.Don't die!Gotta constantly push and strive towards the end and hope for the best.Gotta keep all these hormons under wraps.Argh,such a major task to be accomplished.

Vicious Contemplations.

-Matt-

Happy Birthday Darling!

2006-10-10T10:25:00.000+08:00

On this very day,16 years ago,a lil girl was born.Today's her 16th birthday,and I'm so glad to have met her.She brings the colour into my world,which will otherwise be black and white.She puts the smile on my face,which will otherwise be gloomy.She's the pleasant thoughts that keep my mind from worrying.

She's the sweet taste in my life,which will otherwise be tasteless.She's the sunshine in my world when I'm feeling all alone and without hope,and the grey clouds seem to overcome me.She's the companion thats always there,that backs me up,supports me,and keeps me going.She's the inspiration,that inspires my heart,to write out and express my feelings through poems and such.

She's the one who'll lower my ego when it becomes too large.She's the one who'll keep me sane and in the right mind when I tend to go crazy.She's the sweet dreams that I have,that ensures I have a peaceful and a sound night.Her voice is the most pleasant sound to any human ears,or at least to mine.

Her eyes are the most beautiful eyes to die for,and it seemed as if I could get lost in them.Her lips are the most luscious lips I've ever seen(Hahaha,this might sound a lil wrong,but please do not get the wrong idea).Her hair,has the most sweet smelling aroma that seems to fill the room when she walks in,or at least,to me.She has the softest fingers,with the most delicate of touches.

She's just been a real blessing to me,and I really wanna thank God for her.She's just so sweet,kind,and caring,that I feel so blessed.She really is the biggest blessing that He's ever given to me,and for that,I'm so thankful.

So,to my dearest darling,I love you so much.Thanks for always being there.Happy Birthday baby! I hope you have a great one.You deserve it after your finals.Have a good day!

--------------------------------------------------

Coming out from the cinema,it seemed as if I was caught up in the world that was portrayed by the movie.Was dazed at how such a movie could make such an impact on me.Totally taken aback by the storyline that somehow captivated the essense of the human ethics and their tendency to conform to others,just to fit in with the 'in' croud.

Somehow,it left a stinging effect on me,a not too good feeling I might add.Suddenly felt lonely,and it couldn't get any worse with the ongoing situation.Yet,still gotta put on that familiar mask routinely,knowing that,if I don't,I would constantly be bombarded with questions which has no certain answers.

Instead of feeling better after the movie,I felt a lil sense of loneliness.Oh My Gosh!! What the heck's wrong with me?Sigh...Shall overcome this nonsense,once again,like I've always done.Must find a way,to stop all these thoughts from interferring with my life.

Good thing is,I managed to do some window shopping,checking out some stuff,preparing to buy some presents,especially for Christmas.Its funny,but the month of October has a lot of birthdays.Oh crap.Christmas will be another upcoming festive season.Gotta start planning my finances.

Other than that,had a good day.Watched the movie with a best friend who I've not seen in ages.Thanks a lot.You were probably the only person who was available,and willing to 'teman' me out for a movie.Thanks.Missed your company,though we hardly had any time to catch up.

Met a few old friends,classmates,ex classmates.A public holiday spent at 1U,you're definitely bound to meet someone familiar there.However,the environment was once again crowded.Packed with peeps,it was to no surprise that there were peeps everywhere.Sigh....

Get outta my head!!

-Matt-

Titleless...

2006-10-09T07:58:00.000+08:00

I'll let the pictures do all the talking.

Enough said.

---------------------------------------------------------

Judgement day! Towards the later part of the morning,did some rather deep thinking.As usual,found out where I've been misleading myself,and been causing too many problems.Looking deep right into the source and the reason why I'm still breathing,the heart,and attempted to unravel the misteries behind it,as to why I'm causing all the problems.

Found out quite a bit in a day.Just glancing deep into myself,realized where I've gone wrong,and how I've done her wrong.Sense of guilt just swept over me,causing me to just hit the ground,and ponder about all the mistakes I've done,all the 'crimes' I've commited.

Realized,that I've got to be commited to alter this personality,and change the perception of how things are suppose to be.Having pre-conceived ideas don't really help either.There's just too many aspects of my thoughts that I need to change.Covers a whole wide area of changing my lifestyle even.

Therefore,with this blog as my witness,this post as a guideline,and whoever's reading this,you're all witnesses.I solemnly vow,to change myself,for the better,and whatever mistakes I make,I'll bear the responsibility,and learn from them,for myself,and for us.I love you baby!And I'm sorry.

-Matt-

The Sunday Blues...

2006-10-08T16:40:00.000+08:00

As the days go by,everything becomes blur.Its like time whizzes so fast,time is not enough to stop and take a look around.Everyone has their own plans and agendas,and the longing for someone to be there sucks so bad.Just an invisible 'decor' to a black and white world that is seen through my eyes.

Though there is some colour,I can't help but ponder about how its all still haunting me.Going through daily routines,nobody notices me.Can't help but feel unloved,insecure.Everything goes on without me being in it,and I'm just a bystander,watching as things happened.I've known of only some peeps who actually asks whats wrong.Guess it shows how invisible I am.

I'm an attention craving idiot?You got that right,but who doesn't?Is it wrong to wanna feel loved,secure,and knowing that you're included into plans,that your opinions count,that your plannings count,that you're heard when you speak,that your feelings are taken into account,that you're actually cared for,that you're actually thanked when you do something,and given a pat on the back when you excel?

I guess not.I don't deserve it?Who knows.Only God knows how I feel right now,and man,its just downright depressing.Even time and circumstances are against me.I fight with every bit of strength in me,but how can I go against the winds of circumstances.Its like fighting an uphill battle,trying to win it.

It friggin hurts when nobody ever notices you.I'm so tired of wearing a mask and pretending that everything's okay.I'm so tired of fighting circumstances,and making plans that'll most probably be interrupted.I'm so tired of feeling this way.Wearing a mask everyday just ain't my style.Hiding my true self,its what I do.

And ever so often,there are only 2 or 3 peeps who actually can see through the mask and say,"Are you okay?I'll be here when you need me,kay?" Sometimes,its just so natural to answer,"Yeah I'm fine," when you're not.Its become a habit for me,to say that,and nobody,except my closest friends will actually know that something's wrong.

The most common response? "Oh,okay.Glad you're feeling alrite." So damn naive!You guys just take it in,and believe every word I say.Isn't my face and expressions a good enough clue to tell you I'm not okay?Either its not clear,or you guys are seriously densed and so friggin blur,that you don't know it.

Somehow or rather,those that are in similiar positions are the only peeps that truly understand.The rest of them,just ask,take in your answer,and walk away.There are times,when it becomes so bad,I just wished I could cry.I really do.I'm so thankful I did today,though it was a short one.But with a good friend who's willing to hear me out,and lend me a shoulder to cry on,it means a whole lot to me.Thanks Linda dear.I felt a lil better.

Yet,once again,I face another week.With exams and stress and assignments and presentations.The friggin list goes on.At the same time,I gotta deal with myself and fight the war that has raged and destroyed most of me.I just wished I could let it all out.

"Sometimes,the people we love,forget to love us back."

-----------------------------------------------------

Do you have any friends of the Opposite Sex :

[Yeap.I ain't gay]

Are you in a Relationship:

[Yeah.I love you!]

Who was the Last person you dated:

[Have not gone out on a date before.Still waiting]

What is the best quality:

[The way she says I love you.]

Have you ever been cheated on:

[Nope.]

Have you ever cheated on someone:

[Nope,never]

When was your First serious relationship:

[Now!]

Who with:

[Thats for me to know,and for you to find out]

Have you ever had Friends with Benefits:

[I'm sincere in friendship.I don't take it lightly]

What makes the opposite sex attractive:

[Her personality,and yes,looks does play a small part]

Do you have a crush:

[Nah,I love someone.]

Do you dream about your crush:

[I don't have a crush,but I do dream about her.]

Is there someone you want to kiss:

[Oh yeah...]

Have you ever kept a crush super secret:

[Yeah,but it never works.]

Have you ever done something you regret:

[Yeah]

Have you ever hurt someone:

[Its sad,but I've just found out the meaning of "hurting someone"]

Has someone ever hurt you:

[Yeah]

Do you care about money:

[Only fools will worship money.Thats my philosophy.]

Were you ever with someone completely opposite of you:

[Don't think so.Not completely la anyway.But opposites attract.]

Do you miss someone:

[Yeah,I do.I miss someone till its killing me]

Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex:

[Her face and hair,I guess.]

Have you ever had a crush on someone that was in a relationship:

[Can't recall.Maybe?]

Have you ever kissed a stranger:

[Why would I do that for?]

What would be your perfect date:

[Just me and her,on a hill,watching the stars,with the moon as our guide,and when times stops]

Do you prefer holding hands or making out:

[Holding hands I guess?]

Whats the best physical attribute:

[Does it even matter that much?]

Lost someone:

[Yeah,sadly.]

How do you feel about Long distance relationships:

[It might work,with loads of trust,effort,constant communication,and love]

Do you want them to be smart:

[Yeah?Who are we talkin about anyway?]

Last one of the opposite sex you talked to:

[Sharmein!!]

How many people have you dated since January:

[None]

Do you care if they share your religion:

[Its a must!]

Have you ever said I love you and meant it:

[Everytime]

Do you believe in love at first sight:

[Nah,thats called infatuation,or puppy love.]

Do you think internet relationships can really work:

[Depends on whether you actually see each other in the end.]

When was the last time you slow danced:

[Last December,during high school prom.]

Does anyone have a crush on you:

[I don't know.I wouldn't know now,would I?]

Do you want to get married:

[Sure,why not?At the proper time,of course]

Have you ever stalked someone:

[Maybe.Beware.]

Has someone ever stalked you:

[Yeah,I think]

Have you ever done the love calculator:

[Yeah,I felt especially stupid when they sent the results to the person who sent the stupid email]

Would you ever kiss someone in front of your parents:

[Not now]

Have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex:

[Nope]

Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex:

[Nope]

Have you ever been naked with the opposite sex:

[No!]

Have you ever had sex:

[Nah,I'm still a virgin,and proud of it.]

Do you bite when you kiss:

[Dunno.Haven't tried yet.]

Would you date someone from another state:

[Been there,done that.Why not?]

Would you be with someone with glasses:

[I don't mind]

Have you kissed someone in a restaurant:

[Nope]

Do you care if they drink:

[Yeah.Alcohol smells.]

Smoke:

[Nope.Hate smokers!]

Have you ever been called a tease:

[I guess so?]

Have you ever cried over someone who you were just "talking" with:

[Yeah.]

Have you ever liked someone from a different country:

[Not really.]

Would you play with their hair:

[Not if I don't really like that person]

Would you do anything for the person you like:

[No,but I would do anything for the person I love]

Do you miss a past relationship:

[Nope.I love the current 1.The best! <3]

Whats really important to have in a relationship:

[Trust,love,understanding,commitment,time alone.Too many to list down.]

Do you like getting massages:

[Totally love them.]

Would you date someone that doubled popped their collars:

[Doubble popped collars?Wht's that?]

Do you like to cuddle:

[Yeah]

7 Random Things About Me:
1.I love God!
2.I love my family.
3.I love my baby.
4.I love music.
5.I love my best friends.
6.I'm insecure.
7.I'm emo.

7 Random Songs:
1.Move Along by All-American Rejects
2.Saving me by Nickelback
3.But its better if you do by Panic! At the Disco
4.For you I will by Teddy Geiger
5.From the inside out by UNITED Live
6.I don't wanna close my eyes by Aerosmith
7.All I need is You by UNITED Live

7 Things I Like Most:
1.SMSing
2.Going online.
3.Going out.
4.Music.
5.Football.
6.Talking on the phone.
7.Eating.
(The rest that are not stated here,are because I love doing em)

7 Things That Scare Me:
1.Losing my loved ones.
2.Heights(A lil)
3.Becoming fat.
4.Offending other peeps.
5.Feeling depressed,insecure and unloved.
6.Not being able to pick myself up when I fall.
7.My loved ones won't be saved.

-Matt-

Relentless Disappointments!

2006-10-07T08:03:00.000+08:00

Overpowered by an outer source of seemingly endless doom.Compelled to reach out and embrace it,accepting the fact that its unavoidable.Proven that its alluring charm has a gravitational pull on me,entangling itself aroumd my entire being,slowly wrapping itself around me,corrupting my very system.

The essence of my being cries out for help,but is not heart.Wishing for it to end,it triggers off the sense of insecurity and unwantedness,of being unloved,just like a domino effect.One after another,it brings down its full weight of doom upon me,crushing whatever sanity I had and control of myself.

Pulled into a showdown between one side of the mind,and the other,I'm helpless,as I watch from the sidelines,the classic showdown between the good,and the bad.Torn between a decision of great outcomes,I stand alone,knowing that only I can make this decision on my own.As my mind masterminds my downfall,I'm defenceless.

Trying to comprehend where my true self lies,it only brings more unanswered questions than answers.Searching for the part of me that I have not ventured before.Do I even know what I'm looking for?Confused and bewildered,I stagger upon mystery after mystery,just looking for the end of the tunnel.

Another one of those times,when my understanding of myself blurs out,and I can't control this inner thoughts from getting to me.Self-patronize must be avoided at all cost.Once again,time proves to be the sole factor in controlling the flow of things.

Relentless disappointments

-Matyt-

Doing the Right Thing...

2006-10-06T15:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,I often pose myself this question,is doing the right thing worth it?Is it worth the humiliation?Is it worth the jeers and scorns?Is it worth the amount of $#!+ you get back?Sometimes,doing what's right may mean a certain embarassment,being laughed at,or even being looked down upon.

Well,I for one am glad I did something right today.Though it has nothing to do with the above statement,but sacrificing does count.Though I so much wanted to keep it for my own,as I had my own agenda and plans,but seeing the situation,I just couldn't help,but think,there's no better time to change than now.

It hurts,and if it means a delay in my plans,then I guess it'll have to be like that.But I'm proud of myself,cause I did the right thing.Standing up for your own stands and convictions,can be a real challenge.I've seen that especially in my life,and too many times,I've succumbed to the peer pressure that mounts up against me.

You think being the way you are means you're cool?Thats what you think,but for me,being myself is the best,even if its not cool to you.Know why?Cause as long as I know I don't change to fit in,or just to look cool,like the rest of you friggin pretenders and hypocrites do,I'll stay original.There's no other Matt in this world.So why bother changing?

Yes,I may dislike certain parts about myself,but who am I to argue that I shouldn't be like this,or I should be like that?I'm who I am today cause I was created that way.If a girl were to come to me right this instant,and tell me that she loves me for me,and not because I try to be someone else,I'll be the happiest guy in the world.

I ain't gonna wear a stupid mask just to fit in,or look cool.I'll just be myself.Don't change me.Don't act like you friggin know me,cause you don't.If I'm meant to be secluded from your so called group of peers,and to be chucked aside,by all means.If you can't accept me for who I am,then I don't care,cause your opinions or 'friendship',if you can call it that way,doesn't matter.

I appreciate best friends,cause they accept me for who I am.I appreciate everyone close to me,cause no matter what,I'm still loved,even if I don't feel it that much.To all you wanna-be's,instead of earning my respect by changing to be cool,you've totally lost it.You've changed your identity,so to speak.

If friendship was all about being cool,and relationships all about looks,then I can tell you,there isn't anything that will last.Excuse me,but even being rich means you're surrounded by friends?I should say not.You're probably surrounded by vultures,scavengers ready to eat up whatever extra's you drop.

Still,we all do wear masks,but at least,I don't wear a mask that totally isn't me.Everything I do,is a part of me.If you can't friggin accept me for who I am,then beat it! I don't need peeps like you.As long as I have my own life,and my closest peeps love me,I don't need you.Snap out of it!Wake up!This is reality!My respect is earned by peeps who can be themselves,and stand up for themselves.

Dare to be different!Dare to be yourself!

-Matt-

The Scent of Momentary Freedom!

2006-10-05T16:37:00.000+08:00

I smell the air of freedom.The biggest assignment(Or should I say harassment) is over.English assignment can die.Unfortunately,our presentation of the assignment wasn't that good,and we've been given the 3rd assignment already.What the heck???Crazy?Wanna kill us?Sigh...Unbearable.Month of October,must be a month of stress.

Not only that,that same jerk made unnecessary comments.I was so friggin pissed,and I could really have walked over and hit him in the face,but,well,I gotta learn to curb anger and forgive.So yeah,somehow,I managed to forgive and forget.Annoying lil jerk.You're fortunate I'm the forgiving type!You don't wanna go back with a disfigured face,trust me.

Anyway,the good news is,the stupid assignment is done with.Though I half screwed my accounts exam.For the 1st time after SPM,I couldn't balance the damn balance sheet! I can't believe it! Argh! This is utter nonsense! So sad! But I hope,the worst of the week is over,and the rest of the week shall be a breeze.

A long month ahead! Its either exams,or assignments,week in,week out.Sigh...Its friggin sad.Not to mention the haze is back.What a bother! The scent of smoke can be traced in the air,everywhere I go.What's happening?Who's the stupid knuckleheads who set the forest on fire?Irritating...Insensitive peeps.

Hopefully,I can use the end of that to jumpstart my week.Its faultering so bad.I need to pick myself up,and look for a better week ahead.Semester is going into overdrive! Stress stress stress! Persevere on! Looking onward with the hope of a better week up ahead!

The scent of momentary freedom.

-Matt-

PS: Malaysian drivers suck.You guys obviously don't know how to drive!

Screwed to Bits!

2006-10-04T08:11:00.000+08:00

Ever wondered just how nothing seems to fall in place,and you're thinking,"Oh crap,I'm having a bad day?" What happens when you have consecutive bad days and things just ain't looking up anymore.Well,if you haven't,I can tell you how sucky things can be,cause the whole friggin week's messed up!I can even list it down!

1.Personal problems that plagued me on Monday(Thank God its solved,somewhat).
2.An annoying guy calls me up,and annoys the @#$% outta me.
3.Assignment's pretty much screwed up,and we gotta improvise!

This all happened on Monday alone,and I had the whole stupid day off.Of all days,I had to have a bad day.Normally,rationally thinking,Monday's determine the week and how well it'll go and things like that.What happens if you start your Monday's that way?You would think thats the end?Wait,there's more.

4.My friggin shoelaces broke the minute I walked into college.
5.Couldn't find notes for my stupid Business Comm. presentation! Useless search engines!
6.My best friend(or was) indirectly insulted my baby(Screw you @#$%@$!). So we ain't talking!

Ah,that all happened yesterday.Lets see what happened today.

7.Woke up 1st thing in the morning,got scolded by my dad!
8.My stupid handphone's earpiece ain't working.I can't hear anything when a call is made or received.Guess what?I gotta use the handsfree!

I'm just waiting,expecting whats gonna happen next! Anything can happen.I've got another long day ahead of me.My stupid assignment dateline is due tomorrow,added with the annoying accounts exam.What can I say?I've been having a really bad week.All I can say is,I'm so fed up of all this @#$% thats happening.

I ain't gonna cry over this $#!+.Its not worth crying.I ain't no crybaby!Don't think that you were my best friend,you can simply insult my baby! I've forgiven you,though I'm still friggin mad.And I'll pretend like nothing happen,and drop the subject.But don't expect me to go begging for forgiveness from you.If you ain't gonna even talk to me,then screw you!

I can't stand the likes of you.Yes,I felt a real deep hurt when you insulted the both of us,but its all your friggin fault.You may say I can't think rationally because I'm angry and stuff,but were you ever thinking rationally when you insulted me and stuff?I don't think so.So,if you ain't gonna apologize,then really,get outta my life and hers.Leave us alone.

I don't wanna stoop down so low like you,and insult you back.It just ain't me.I'm not as malicious as that.I'm sorry,but you've just reinforced my mind,that friends,and not best friends are never trustworthy.I don't even know you now.The guy I knew,would never do such a thing.Who the heck are you?Leave us alone.

I'll still consider you as a friend,but if this is how you want things to be,then so be it.It all goes to show,that real best friends are more understanding,and will always be there for you.Now you see where my priorities lie.Thats why,she comes 1st before any of you.No offence,but I love her to bits,and nothing will change that.

If you ain't gonna apologize to me,I don't care.But if you wanna make things right,you better darn right apologize to her.You should know by now,that she comes right after God and my family in my list of priorities.Nothing will ever change that.She's my best friend.Nobody messes around with my best friend,and gets away with it.

Baby,I love you so much! Don't blame yourself for anything,kay?Its not your fault!

Lets see how my week progresses so far.I ain't giving up,and I'm trying to avoid breakdown!Persevere Matt,persevere.God help me as I go through this really really tough period.I need Your strength!Don't wanna breakdown and die in the midst of it all.Argh!

---------------------------------------------------

Hi you dear pretenders.You guys actually think you're so damn cool?Well well well,I've got news for you.You're not.You can pretend all you want,but I know whats hiding behind those masks'.You ain't fooling me.I'm not that stupid and densed to know whats hidden behind them.

Laugh at me for all I care.It never occurs to you that I have feelings does it?Well,if thats how you wanna play,two can play at this game.Ever heard the saying "You scratch my back,I'll scratch yours?" Here's something new,"You hit me,I'll hit you,TWICE!" Friend wanna-be's.Thats all you bunch of peeps ever were to me.

--------------------------------------------------

Here's something nice to talk about,away from all the tragedies and mishaps of my week.Gotta thank someone for always being there,though its not felt.Its just nice to see the care and concern showed and to know someone cares.Thanks for your smses.They really help me feel better.

PS: Don't worry about the dog bites! You'll be fine.Hahaha. =P Hope that you'll be able to keep in constant touch. =)

-Matt-

Time for a Change?

2006-10-03T06:46:00.000+08:00

Are complications suppose to make life more fun?Build character?I really don't know.I thought I was doing everything right,but it seemed,that I have major flaws to correct as well.I tried to be perfect in one sense,but I guess,I just can't achieve that.Its all in the mind?I really don't know.Its all too real for me.

Expectations.I guess we all have them,whether another party expects from us,or we put our expectations on other peeps.I guess I expected way too much,and it was unreasonable?I'm sorry.All relationships have expectations,or at least thats what I was told.Its just that,I have my own reasons for expecting that from you.

You really have no idea how a message can change the entire course of my day,from going down the drain,to rocketing sky high.It gives me such a motivation,such a drive to conquer the day,and rise above the problems.I guess,it was too much to expect?Mindset just gotta change from now on.

Trust somehow came into the picture,and I realized,or rather someone made me realized that,maybe I really haven't trusted you enough.In the end,by doing all this,I could actually cause you to lose total confidence in me.When the fact hit me,I went straight down,realizing that I'm in the wrong after all.

I hate my friggin past.It haunts me ever so frequently.The emotional scars are there.The wounds may have healed,but the scars certainly do an excellent job of reminding me and messing up my life.Without a doubt,the inferior complex is back again.Feelings of insecurity,of being unloved,it all comes from the same source,the past that I'm trying so hard to put behind me.

Then again,someone once told me,that "let bygones be bygones.If you don't remove the past,how will you be able to accept the new relationship?" Argh! I feel incredibly stupid and foolish for acting the way I did.I feel guilty,yet a lil disappointed.Insecure and unloved.It all adds into the massive pile of trash that I've gotten myself into.

Time for a change?Definitely.I owe it all to a dear friend of mine,who counselled me,and knock some sense into me.Insensitive,and behaving like an idiot,I'm guilty.I'm sorry,from the bottom of my heart.It just made me realized,how far I've strayed from the right path,and I'm truly sorry.I'm hoping time will help me forget the past,and that maybe you can make it right.

I can't believe I'm causing so many problems,messing up big time.Maybe its my punishment,and the consequences I have to pay,for my past.I will accept it,alone.I'm just broken inside for what I did to you.I'm so sorry.This is definitely the cue for me to change.Bear with me.Time will tell.

I just want you to know,that I love you.Will always do.I never meant to hurt you,but instead,I let go my anger and frustration on you,in a way.I'm gonna correct this mess,and this dark side of me,for the better,for us.I'll make it up to you,somehow,even if my actions cannot be justified and used as an excuse for my attitude.With everything within me,I wanna say,I'm sorry.I love you so much,and I hope,you'll understand,and walk me through this.

Time for a change.

-Matt-

Love,the Greatest Force on Earth...

2006-10-02T10:53:00.000+08:00

Yearning for that something special,
Wishing for an added spark,
Yet it all seems mere superficial,
Cause there just ain't no such thing as luck.

No amount of hoping,
Nor any amount of wishing,
Could suffice to satisfy,
What seemed like a life nullified.

Yet again,there seemed to be some ray's of sunshine,
A happiness I experienced,that I couldn't define,
Something beyond my expectations,
Due to being just a mere mortal and its limitations.

However,I've found it to be so true,
That love is somewhat in the air,
A picture over and over again,that I drew,
It gives you that something extra,that flair.

An emotion so deep,the heart beats intensely,
A feeling so wonderful,there's no price too much to pay,
Enabling a person,to love charismatically,
Like never before,and to lay down his life for the other,if he may.

Such an unearthly power to behold,
It almost seemed out of this world,
Perceived by many,as one of life's trap,
Travelling on life's journey,with love being the map.

However,what other people fail to see,
Is the beauty that lies within,
It sets the soul ablaze,setting it free,
Free to love,its almost impossible not to give in.

There's no doubt about it,
That love will always exist,
The greatest power that I see fit,
On Earth that will persist.

Whether through time and age,
It'll be pure stupidity not to engage,
On the journey of life,without any feelings of love,
Cause in the end,without love,you cease to have.

---------------------------------------------------

Another weekend has passed,and yes,its that time of the week again.Its the friggin weekdays.Stupid accounts exams coming up,plus the dateline due for my stupid English assignment.This is the stupidest assignment I have ever received in college.I'm so not in the mood to do it.

Hate this!Hate this!I don't wanna go through another week.I need something to look forward to.Argh!Depressing stuff!I hate it!Absolutely,totally,without a shadow of a doubt in my head,hate the week,especially with the wretched assignment dateline this Thursday.Die you assignment!Die!

I need motivation!Or I can't go on.Stress!White hair!Friggin hate it when the weekends end so fast!God,help me through this!I've had enough of all the stress,exams,assignments,and those friggin pretenders that I see in college everyday.I don't wanna see your faces,really.You guys are pathetic.Make me sick!

-Matt-

1st October...Love Letter #1.

2006-10-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

Dear Baby,

Its freezing cold here in Sydney.Its winter here,as you probably know.It really doesn't get any colder than this.Its like an average of -20 degree celcius.Having a cup of instant noodles every night before getting my rest does help,but I could use a better working heater instead of the current heater thats just ain't hot enough.

I guess nothing beats having you around to put my arms around,not just for the sake of body warmth,but I missed you so.It just ain't the same here all alone.My college buddies are hopeless.They don't care whether I'm alive,or whether I'm dead.It kinda sucks with my best friend half the world away.

Just imagine how lonely winter nights can be.However,the view is magnificent.Every morning,its like a land filled with cotton.Especially the view from where I live,its just so lovely,seeing snowflakes everywhere and all.Every morning,I see kids playing with the snow that the cold winter night wind has brought.

Its such a joy to see the smiles on their happy faces.How I wished I could be as carefree as them.A kid really is the happiest person in the world sometimes,don't you think?The only person who can actually make me feel carefree,is you.I've missed you so terribly,it kills knowing that it'll be a while before I actually see you again.

I missed those late nights at Starbucks,sipping our hot coffee.I missed holding your hands,walking along the park,lost in a world of our own.I missed the scent of your hair,the smell that so often lingered in the air.I missed the kisses that we once shared,knowing that time stopped everytime we were together.

Who could forget those movies we watched together,holding you in my arms,with your head on my shoulders,enjoying your company more than I was watching the movies.It seems like nothing else mattered anymore just having you in my arms.It seemed as if your eyes glowed with love,everytime I looked into them.I love you so much.

I know I can trust you to take care of yourself.You won't disappoint me will you?Wait for me.I know it won't be long,but it seems like eternity before I'll be back,but wait for me.I'll be back.I wanna share the rest of my life with you.Don't give up on me,cause I'll never give up on you.Wait for me,my dearest darling.

PS:Will drop you another letter soon.

-Matt-

Loneliness again?

2006-09-29T19:44:00.000+08:00

Ready to be BBQ-ed.

BBQ-ing the food.

Had lunch at 1U after college at this Korean BBQ place.Pretty good.Went for a movie with Linda right after college,after lunch.Watched Miami Vice,and to be honest,it was pure disappointment.18SG,violent at certain parts,but still,nothing to shout about really.Thanks Linda for the lunch.You're the best.

-------------------------------------------------

Loneliness creeps up and bites me in the neck.Its venom spreads through my body,running through my veins,and spreads its deadly effect on me.The unbearable pain and agony,the excruciating pain grips deep in,and refuses to let go of its deadly grip on me.Its fangs sinked deep down,oozing with deadly poison,killing me slowly,bit by bit.

MySpace Layouts

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I so hate lonely nights.It kills me so deep inside.Trapped in loneliness,like a rat,trapped in a mousetrap.The walls are closing in,I feel so small.Crushed,pushed into a corner,surrounded by empty rooms,only filled with echos,as I try to navigate my way out of it.Where's everyone?I don't wanna be alone.Am I too dependant on other peeps?

I don't care.To be honest,for the 1st time,I'm actually gonna say I hate you peeps.You guys sure are the best pretenders in the world.What's the use of having so many peeps on my friends list when all you guys is just shut yourself.Except for the few I constantly talk with,you pretenders never even bother to say hi.

MySpace Layouts

Myspace layouts

This goes out to particularly you @#%#@$ in my college! I hate you pretenders!Stop pretending to be my friends,and ditch me when you don't need me.Stupidity rules your brains.I don't mind if you come to me,and ask for help,or advice,but when you're fine,I'm pushed aside?Who the heck do you think you are?

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So I'm just a pillow to soften your landing,then you throw me away?Piss off!Seriously,get a life.I don't care about you anymore.Just walk away.Turn your back on me.You guys are the reason why my life in college is such a bore.You're the reason why I don't believe in friends.If you ain't no best friend of mine,then piss off.Friends can't be relied on.Best friends are the only peeps worth living for.

I'm tired of holding it all back in.You think cursing the whole day is cool?Let me tell you something.I'm disgusted with you peeps.Don't you friggin rope me in.I don't wanna be a part of you even if you paid me.Cursing are for wimps who have such a low friggin self-esteem.So you curse to look cool,but to me,you're just a bunch of losers.

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Left here without anyone to talk to.Viciously handicapped by this feelings that overwhelm and crush me.Been here,done that.Same old,same old.It all seems so familiar.Its like getting hit in the hand,and there's no friggin painkiller to sooth the pain.Just shoot me down.Hate me.Doesn't really matter anymore.

-Matt-

What the Heck is Friendship?

2006-09-26T08:07:00.000+08:00

Always wondered about the meaning of friendship.I never actually could grasp the meaning of friendship.Maybe because I had friends who only were there for me when I was down,and when I'm back up on my feet again,they seemed to have disappeared.Sounds familiar?You betcha!Chucked away just like that?I thought friends were suppose to be there all the time,not only when I'm needed.

I guess I was just a pillow to soften your fall,a listening ear to hear you out,and let you rant and rant about what you're going through,and the hand that finally supports you and pulls you up.After that what happens?I guess I disappeared?Pushed aside is more like it.I don't mind.Maybe I'm intruding?

layout for myspace

This is 1 good example.Friendship ain't no 1 sided-thing.I hate it when I can't be there for you either.It just doesn't work that way.Well,if I'm to be a "side-order" thingy,I should be informed,and not requested to be a best friend.To be honest,I can pretend like I don't care,but I do.I thought we were moving back on track,but I guessed it was only temporary.

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I guess the only thing I can say is,that I'll be here,even if I'm just a "side-order,"but if thats how things are going to be,then I'll have to settle for it.Maybe its the scars of the past thats getting in the way.I'll have to totally understand.Its just rather saddening to see the way how things are nowadays.

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If this statement were true,there'll never be those loners that are ditched by friends,used by them,and backstabbed.Betrayed,and even worse,trashed about.Why am I getting sentimental and all?Its cause knowing the fact that we were best of friends,and knowing that it just might never work again.

MySpace Layouts

Then,there's another part of friendship I don't get.Where did you disappear so suddenly?Without a trace at all?All I wanted was to be there for ya,but I guessed you never let me.We've even lost contact.What the heck?Maybe thats why I'm feeling a bit guilty.Have I been neglecting you?I really never meant to,but you made me feel guilty.

MySpace Layouts

If I have disregarded,neglected,and abandoned you in any way,then I'm truly sorry.However,I'm presuming you really can't consider me as someone who'll always be there for you yet.I don't blame you then.I only hope,I can make it up to you,by being there for ya when you need me,even if you don' consider me as anything close to a buddy.

-Matt-

Happy Anniversary!

2006-09-25T09:05:00.000+08:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.Don't feel like blogging much,so I'll just let the pics do the talking.Dedicated to my baby.I love you so much!Happy 1 month anniversary! =)

You've been awesome.Hopefully this will be the 1st of many to come.There are really too many things to say.No composition can contain what I have to say or how I feel.I'm just so thankful to God for you,because you're my biggest blessing I can ever have.Love you so much.

-------------------------------------------------------

Well,it is suppose to be a day to celebrate and stuff,but it got kinda messed up.Started out badly.Been thinking too much again.Can't really help it.Sorta went into depression,and so close to breaking down,but since its our special day,so I guess I have no right to stay this way.

Its gonna be a long day ahead.Monday's kinda suck cause there's literally nothing to do.Gotta do a bit of studying and all,I guess.Not only that,got scolding nicely from my dad 1st thing in the morning.Sigh...What a way to start the day.But its okay,since its our special day,I won't wanna spoil it.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABY!

-Matt-

Tagged!

2006-09-23T11:48:00.000+08:00

Tagged By Shar Mein!

1.Body: What's wrong with it?U got a problem?Talk to me!

2.Prefer black or blue pens? I don't really mind.Why do I care?

3.Dress up on Halloween? Nah,its all crap.

4.Like to travel? Yup yup!

5.Like someone? Love someone!

6. Does he/she know? Oh yeah!

7. Sleep on your side? All the time babe.

8. Think you're attractive? Don't know.Ask someone else.

9. Want to get married? Yeah,but not now. =)

10. With Who? Got la...

11. Are you a good student? Not really.I'm a serious lazy bum.Don't do nuts.

12. Are you currently in a relationship? Yeah...

13. Are you involved in sports? Of course!

14. Birthplace? Somewhere in Pee Jay!

15. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas.

16.Colored or black-and-white photo? Coloured!

17. Do long distance relationships work? Possibly.Takes a whole load of effort,trust and all.

18. Do you believe in astrology? Nope.Its all nonsense.

19. Do you believe in God? Yeah.Love Him!

20. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really.Doesn't happen.

21. Do you consider yourself the life of the party? My personal opinion?I'm not...

22. Do you drink? Shandy?Haha...

23. Do you have your own car? Nope...Soon,I hope.

24. Do you have a job? Yeah.Student.Go figure.

25. Do you make fun of people? All the time.Hahaha...

26. Do you think dreams eventually come true? Yeah,cause mine's already came to pass.

27. Fave thing to do? MSN-ing,SMS-ing,Going out and chilling,Music.

28. Fave breakfast food? Western style babe.

29. Fave Candy? I ain't no sweettooth.

30. Fave Vacation spot? None I can think of at the moment.

31. Favorite body part of the opposite sex? Hmm...Dunno.

32. Favorite cartoon? Justice League!

33. Go to the movies or rent? Movies...The real thing is better than any pirated crap.

34. Have you ever moved? Yeah.

35. Have you ever stolen anything(from a store)?? Nope...Don't intend to.

36. How's the weather right now? Its a bit sunny.Looks like good weather.

37. Hug or kiss? Both. =)

38. Last person you talked to on the phone? Hao Yuen.

39. Last time you showered? A while ago.

40. Loud or soft music? Loud baby!

41. McDonalds or Burger King? Both! I don't mind.

42. More romantic; baths or showers? Baths I guess...

43. Night or day? Huh???

44. Number of Pillows? 3.

45. Piano or guitar? Guitar.

46. PE or MaTh? PE.

47. Punk or Classic? For what?

48. Hangout or study?Hangout...Who actually studies?I ain't no friggin nerd.

49. yoghurt or milk? Yoghurt,unless its choc. milk...

50. Flowers or chocolate? Chocolate.

What is Love?

2006-09-21T07:54:00.000+08:00

Many a times,we peeps are confused about this thing we call love.In fact,love is a force so great,there really is no stopping it.Its rather complicated,that peeps(especially teenagers,including me) do tend to be confused sometimes.Not many people can say they've truly understand what it means.

I'm not that experienced,and I'm still learning,every single day.I guess the only way to actually find out what it means,is to love,and to be loved.Possibly,thats the only way to find out what it means,and that is to experience it for yourself.However,we do have some guidelines on what it actually is.

These are just guidelines,and I believe working around these guidelines,will help everyone understand more,what it means to love,and be in love.I was browsing this youth forum,and I came across this guideline.I have 2 outlines basically.1 is this guideline that I've found on the forum,and another,is based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(a),which I believe is the better way to based a relationship on.

The World's Guideline to Love

Does your heart ache and break when she's/he's sad?
Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?
Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her/him?
Do you accept her/his faults because it's a part of who she/he is?
Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret??
Would you give her/him your heart, your life, your death??
Would you cry just at the thought of losing him/her?
Then it's LOVE.

This is what I found on the forums.No harm done in evaluating a relationship based on this guidelines.I'm not saying its right or wrong,but have you ever thought of this questions?Don't get me wrong that if a relationship you're in doesn't fulfil all these requirements,you should call for a breakup or anything,but this is to help you have a more fulfilling relationship.

Next up,is a guideline from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8(a).This is what I think is truly a proper guideline to running a relationship,though at times,it may seem almost impossible to accomplish this,but with His strength,we can do all things.A relationship based on Him,as the pillar,will indeed last.I'm still learning in this aspect as well.Before I go into details,I'll quote out the verses.

The Biblical Guidelines to Love

1 Corinthians 13:4-8(a)

Verse 4: Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Verse 5: does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

Verse 6: does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

Verse 7: bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Verse 8: Love never fails.

Basically,sometimes,we gotta work towards achieving this.In every relationship that starts out,hopefully as it goes on,it'll work towards this.You might say the 1st point is much more easier to achieve.True enough,but then,in order to obtain a good relationship,in the long term,it must be worked towards this.

I'm not saying the 1st viewpoint is wrong,but the world's point of view is just to check on whether its love or not.From the Christian context,which is the 2nd viewpoint,its more towards working a relationship and perfecting it,so to speak.I believe no one can say they have a perfect relationship,but working towards it,is what we can do.

It may be hard to some of you peeps,but it takes time.Just thought I'd share a bit on what I think. =) Oh,and by the way,the extract taken from 1 Corinthians 13 can also be used to evaluate all kinds of relationships,depending on how you see it.I'll be honest when I say,I've hardly achieved any of those aspects yet,hahaha...But thats why,I'm still learning. =P

Hope this has helped to all you peeps looking for an answer,cause as far as I see,a lot of peeps are still confused,based on my constant visits to the youth forums,which I'm also a forumer as well.Hehe...Interesting stuff.Wanna check out or join the forum?Here's the add.Have fun!

http://absoluterage.com/forum/index.php

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Message:
[ ] You have over 10 bottles of nail polish
[ ] You have a designer purse
[ ] You have something from Abercrombie
[ ] You have had fake nails
[ ] You are promised or have a car for your 17thbday
[x] You have clothes or shoes or accesories foryour pet
[x] You have at least 1 designer item of clothes
[ ] Your pet is a chiuaua, pomeranian, orsiamese
[ ] You have a barbie doll
[] A pink comforter, walls or sheets.
TOTAL: 2.

ARE YOU:
[ ] Blonde
[x] Outgoing
[x] Fun
[x] Dumb at times
[x]Near your cell phone right now
[ ] using your cell phone right now
[ ] Listening to pop or top 40 music?
[ ] Wearing makeup now?
[ ] A shopaholic?
[ ] A shoe freak?
TOTAL: 4.

DO YOU LIKE:
[x] Puppies
[x] Kitties
[ ] Makeup
[ ] Glitter
[ ] Guys
[x] Money
[ ] Pink the color
[ ] Pink the brand by Victoria's Secret
[x] Shopping
[ ] Candy
[x] Talking
[x] Laughing
[ ] Jewelery
[x] Shoes
[x] Love
[ ] Chick flicks
TOTAL: 8.

DO YOU SHOP AT/ BUY:
[ ] Hollister
[ ] Abercrombie & Fitch
[ ] American Eagle
[x] Aeropostale
[] Claire's
[ ] Express
[ ] Gucci
[ ] limited 2
[ ] libby lu
[ ] Kitson
[ ] Jimmy Choo
[ ] Armani
[ ] Juicy Couture
[ ] Sephora
[ ] Versace
[ ] Fendi
[ ] Deb
[] Target
Total: 1.

DO YOU SAY:
[] S.lut
[] W.hore
[] B.itch
[] Biotch
[x] Whatever
[x] Oh my gosh
[ ] That is so fetch
[ ] I heart you
[] Fugly
[x] That's hot
[ ] Cali
[x] Babe
[ ] Plush
[] cutie
[] Hottie
TOTAL: 4.

OTHER:
[ ] In your school picture are you wearing something pink?
[ ] Do you type like this: // && ;; ::. __
[] Have you gone to a mall in the past 3 days?
[] Do you not play sports?
[ ] Do you wear jewelry every day?
[x] Do you dye your hair?
[] do you have nail polish on right now?
[ ] Do you take all those magazine quizzeslike "Does he like you?"
[ ] Is your favorite holiday Valentine's Day?
[ ] Do you have a crush on Brad Pitt?
[x] Have you met a celebrity?
[ ] Have you ever written your first name with his last name?
TOTAL: 2.

DO YOU READ:
[] Seventeen
[] Cosmogirl
[ ] Teen people
[] Teen vogue
[ ] Teen
[ ] Justine
[ ] Prom magazines
[] Ellegirl
[ ] J-14
[ ] M
[ ] Ym
[ ] Cosmopolitn
[ ] Glamour
[] Marie Claire
[] elle
[] Vogue
[ ] Us weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Tabloids
[ ] Gossip Girl
[ ] The clique series
[ ] The a-list series
[ ] The mates, dates series
[ ] The Georgia Nicholson Series
[ ] The it girl series
[ ] The au pairs
[ ] The hookup artist
[ ] The dating game
[ ] South Beach
[ ] Ttyl
[ ] Ttfn
[ ] The lovely bones
TOTAL: 0.

HAVE YOU SEEN:
[ ] Legally blonde
[] Legally blonde 2
[] Mean Girls
[ ] American Pie
[] Not another teen movie
[] Josie and the Pussycats
[x] Never been kissed
[ ] Aquamarine
[x] the hot chick
[] Beauty shop
[] Miss congeniality
[] Miss congeniality 2
[ ] Crazy/Beautiful
[x] Just my luck
TOTAL: 3.

DO YOU WATCH:
[x] America's next top model
[] Project runway
[ ] Next
[] My super sweet 16.
[ ] Soaps
[] Hannah Montana
[] unfabulous
[ ] Zoey 101
[x] Lizzie Mcguire
[x] desperate Housewives
[x] The simple life
[] 8th & Ocean
[] Sex & the city
[] the suite life of Zack And Cody
[x] E!'s True hollywood story
[] The real world
[x] The O.C.
[] Laguna Beach
[x] Miss Universe
[ ] Miss Indonesia
[ ] Puteri Indonesia
TOTAL: 7.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO:
[] Bali
[ ] Lombok
[ ] The Bahamas
[] New York
[x] Singapore
[ ] Italy
[] Florida
[] Las Vegas
[ ] Russia
[ ] Alaska
[ ] Paris
TOTAL: 1.

-Matt-

A Bad Day?

2006-09-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

A day that was expected to be normal,turned out to be some sucky day.Was so terribly stressed and tired.Things couldn't be any worse.Started out with yesterday night being messed up.Electricity went off at 7pm and only got it back at 10pm.So friggin pissed.How can they do this to me?

I felt so lost without the internet,disconnected from the rest of the world,disconnected from you.Lost,without you.Just couldn't stand 1 night away from you.Disheartened.Continued on till the morning,and I went to college half-dead.It doesn't stop there.I was somehow made fun of jokingly,for my 'banana' status.

It sucks so bad.My self-confidence has been dashed to pieces again.When I started thinking of how bad a 'banana' I was,I just felt that I was not worthy of you.I always pushed myself to the max I can,and that was,to be as perfect as I could in your eyes,but I guess,I'm not that perfect.It just sucks cause of this.

I feel dejected,and I just couldn't get this feeling away.I feel so not perfect.As usual,I expect the best out of myself,and to give my best in whatever I do,and to be the best,especially to you.I feel like I've let you down,disappointed you,and I can't be as perfect as I want myself to be to you.Insecurity factors.I'm so sorry.

As if it wasn't bad enough,my brother had to be a jerk when I came back.Just kinda pissed me off so bad.Sigh...Just 1 of those days I suppose.It sucks kinda bad.Just 1 of those days when things aren't working out,and nothing seems to go right.I hope I'll be able to pull myself outta this. =/

-Matt-

What you are to me...

2006-09-19T08:11:00.000+08:00

What you are to me

Everytime I think of you,
I can't think straight,
Cause you're my dream come true,
When I asked God in faith.

I never thought I'd see the day,
When you'd come back to me,
Because now I know,come what may,
You yet again hold the key.

Its just so wonderful,
Living everyday of my life with you,
For I can never ever be fearful,
Of anything else,except losing you.

You give me the strength,
The extra push to go through anything,
Something I could only have dreamt,
You gave me hope,you're my everything.

-Matt-

Emo Overdrive!

2006-09-18T08:26:00.000+08:00

Sitting by the fountain,looking out at the green trees that somehow gave me a calming effect,and its rather soothing effect to my eyes caused me to just let my mind go free.Just kept thinking of you,even as the cold wind blew against my face,and the serenity and peacefulness that filled my entire being.

Just looking at ya,made me realize,how wonderful you made my life to be.Like the colours of my otherwise black & white world,you brought those beautilful moments into my life.In essence,you're irreplacable.You give me that picture,that everything in life is perfect.The other half that completes me.

The missing puzzle piece that I've been looking for.The reason this smile has never left my face eversince.The song that I sing.The key to unlock the very depths of my heart.The very essence of my happiness and joy.The constant drive and motivation,that drives me to face my problems with renewed energy,and to know,that I'm not alone.I love you...

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Its that time of the week again.Assignments,exams,stress,responsibilities,bla bla bla!Real stupid stuff!Just dreading the thought of it all happening again.Hate facing the weekdays.You know what's bugging my poor lil innocent mind right now?The stupid English assignment!I hate it so bad!So friggin dumb!

What the heck has it gotta do with English?Why invent a product?What's that gotta do with English?Argh,stupidity at its highest form.Its all crap!Argh...No kidding.There really ain't any good.How the heck is it gonna improve our English?By inventing a stupid product? What the @#$%? Anyone got any ideas? =(

Cameron's was heaven!The weather was dreamy.You were friggin gorgeous.And the break was godlike.Now what am I suppose to do?The minute I stepped back into Pee Jay,the 1st thing that came to my mind was this friggin assignment.Hate it so bad!Gotta come up with some stupid product or modify something that probably won't be able to do much,or marketed.Who's the knucklehead that asked us to do this assignment?Oh,I forgot.My English lecturer! @#$%@#!!!!

I'm so bored.I miss you so bad.It just sucks knowing that I can't see you.Its gonna be 1 heck of a long long day.Darn!Gotta really think properly.Probably gonna spend at least an hour just thinking of what to do for the stupid ass-ignment!Argh!Miss you miss you miss you!Darn darn darn!Emo overdrive!

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Surveying...Boredom...

LAYER ONE:

Spell your name with bands/artists.
M - My Chemical Romance
A - Aerosmith
T - Trailblazers(Hahahaha!)
T - Teddy Geiger
H - Hansen(I can't believe I'm putting this! >_<")
E - Elton John(Yuck! Gay gay gay!)
W - Westlife

LAYER TWO:

Name - Matthew Chang Keng Yan
Birthdate - 11 May 1988
Nickname - Matt,Maths,Matty,Mattie.
Current location - www.blogger.com
Eye colour - Black,I think.
Hair colour - Black,with a bit of light brown if you look carefully.
Righty or lefty - Righty.
Zodiac sign - I don't care about this nonsense.

LAYER THREE:

Shoes you wore today - Haven't wore any today.
Your weakness - Being emo.
Your fears - Losing my loved ones and best friends.
Your perfect pizza - I'm not that choosy.Anything goes.
Goal you'd like to achieve - Living my life for Him all the way.

LAYER FOUR:

Your best physical feature - No friggin idea.Ask someone I know.
Your bedtime - 11pm.Sadly,I have a friggin curfew.

LAYER FIVE:

Pepsi or coke - Neither.
Mcdonalds or Burger King - Mcd!
Nike or Adidas - Either will do.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea - Lipton Ice Tea.
Chocolate or Vanilla - Choc!
Cappucino or coffee - Either.

LAYER SIX:

Smoke - Where?I don't smell anything.
Curse - Not now.
Sing - Constantly.
Take a shower everyday - Of course!
Have a crush - Nope.
Do you think you've been in love - Yeah.
Want to go college - No!
Like high school - Miss it.
Want to get married - Yeah,but not now.
Believe in yourself - Hard to answer.I don't really know myself.
Get motion sickness - Not really.Does a quizzy tummy on the way up to Cameron's count?
Think you're a health freak - Okay okay.Not really.
Get along with your parents - More or less.
Play an instrument - A few.

LAYER SEVEN:

In the past month...

Drank alcohol - Nope.I don't drink!
Done a drug - Definitely not.
Gone to the mall - Yeap!
Eaten an entire box of Oreos - Nope.
Eaten Sushi - Nope.
Been on stage - Yeah man.
Been dumped - Nope.
Gone skating - Nope.
Made homemade cookies - Nope.
Gone Skinny Dipping - Nope.
Dyed your hair - Nope.
Stolen anything - Nope.

LAYER EIGHT:

Ever...

Played a game that required removal of clothing - Not yet!Haha...
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated - Think so?
Been called a tease - Maybe...
Been beaten up - Nope.Beat up peeps got.

LAYER NINE:

Age you hope to be married - Not too old.
Numbers and Names of Children - None at the moment.
Describe your Dream Wedding - Hmm...Somewhere cool.Not too elegant,not too simple either.Not too many peeps either.
Where you want to go to college - Australia!
What place would you most like to visit - Around the world!

LAYER TEN:

In the opposite sex..

Best eye color - Doesn't matter to me.
Best hair color - Black would be fine.
Short hair or long hair - Currently,long...
Height - Shorter than me.
Best weight - What kinda question is this?
Best articles of clothing - Really doesn't matter sometimes.

LAYER ELEVEN:

Number of people I could trust with my life - God,my family,Shar mein,Linda,Eu Jin,Sean Fabian,Chris,Unc Yat Nam.
Number of CDs that I own - Lazy to count,but its more than 1.
Number of piercings - Nil...
Number of tattoos - None...
Number of cars your family owns - 2.

-Matt-

1st Missions Trip to Cameron's!

2006-09-17T17:32:00.000+08:00

Wooosh! Back from missions trip to Cameron's.Its my 1st! Definitely opened my eyes to how fortunate I am.With all the luxury I have compared to the peeps there,I feel really fortunate.To think I used to complain about how I need this,and how I need that,(Its true,I still think I need them =P)but yeah,I'm feelin a lil more thankful for stuff that I have.

Got to share my testimony on the 1st night,with a bit of nervousness added into the atmosphere.Though I gotta admit,the journey there was a really long 1,but I enjoyed it all the same.Showered with rain the whole of Saturday while we were there,it was rather cold.I felt kinda warm inside for some reason,seeing all those Orang Asli's.Was pretty cool.Had dinner at 10.30.

Today,wasn't that bad either,except the fact that I had to lead in worship at 6.30 in the morning,with numb hands,and freezing conditions.Service was okay,though there was sad news.My condolences to you and your family brother David Ling! It was a pity really.Sigh,but all things happen for a reason I guess.

Got to hang out with some peeps and got to know them a lil more.Kamen was more than entertaining.Aunty Agnes is rather nice and friendly once you get to know her.Here comes the shocker!Carmen is actually so sweet and nice without a certain someone with her. *cough cough* Most of all,guess I was blessed by the smiles on the kids,and the warm smiles that the Orang Asli's had on their faces.Cool!

Got to spend loads of time with her.Sweet! Never got to spend the kinda quality time together before,till now.So it was great!Well,overall,the trip was pretty much not bad.A 5 star missions trip I might add.They're already talking about sending us to Dumai next,like what the heck???Time to suffer next?Madness.Just a lil tired.Haiz...

Back to friggin college again.I miss the cold weather up there.It was so nice.I hate stress! I hate college! I hate assignments! I hate exams! Die die die! Don't wanna face another week again.I think I'm gonna go into another mood swing and become emo.Just can't stand facing another friggin week. =(

-Matt-

100th Post!

2006-09-16T08:06:00.000+08:00

Today's a special day! My bloggie is celebrating its 100th post.Happy 100th Anniversary bloggie!

Managed to catch "Little Man" at the cinema's yesterday with Linda dear and Eu Jin! It was hilarious.Laughed till I cried.If you haven't seen it,I'm recommending you!Go watch it! It was cool.Got to spend time with the both of them,especially Linda dear.Haven't went out for a movie together for so long.

Anyway,asides from that,did nothing much.Was tired out,and really burned out.Whole day I was away from home.My day didn't end so well.Got a wee bit too touchy,and got pissed off.A very small matter,and things were unintentionally said,but I guess I was a lil too tired as well.It kinda hurt me coming from someone I love.

I don't know why I took it to heart,and got offended over a small thing.I was just so upset,till I neglected everyone there,especially her.I was just really pissed off.In fact,it hurt so bad,it broke my heart.I really couldn't handle it.I was so down in the dumps.I couldn't handle the fact that my ego was shot down.

They say the closest peeps hurt us the most,and that was proven to be so true.I had to cry before I could sleep.It was just so painful,and probably the activities and all during the day,just magnified the problem and the hurt to be 100 times bigger or something.I made a mountain out of a molehill.

Just wanna apologize to all my peeps for my rather bad mood yesterday,and a very special sorry to you.I should never have gotten mad at you,nor should I have made you apologize.I'm just so sorry.I really hope with all my heart that you'll be able to forgive me.I guess I was really extra sensitive due to my tiredness.

Guess I'll just have to correct this weakness in me.Got so many things to do this morning.Gotta get ready and pack and all for the missions trip.So tiring.Gonna be 1 heck of a busy morning.Gotta prepare my testimony in Bahasa as well. =/ Well,guess I won't be blogging for tomorrow.So if you peeps wanna reach me,you know my number.

What a way to celebrate my 100th post.Suppose to be a good kinda way,but I guessed I left my own blot in what was suppose to be a great day.My bad.Sorry peeps. =/

-Matt-

The Feeling of Being in Love!

2006-09-14T17:18:00.000+08:00

As the wind blew against my face,I trudged on,along this lonely road that now lay in front of me.Walking on the same road for some time,I hated this feeling of being all alone,yet I couldn't help it.It was just because of circumstances,and it was beyond me to do anything.I was helpless,yet,I seeked a profound truth to curing it.

Walking with my head down in deep thought,I bumped into someone as I turned the corner. "Oops,sorry dear.I didn't see you." As I helped the poor soul up,the light revealed that it was a 'her'. "I'm sorry,I was in deep thought and I really didn't see you coming." In her soft but sweet voice,she replied "Its okay.I wasn't looking carefully either."

I insisted on helping her carry her groceries to her apartment to make up for my mistake.As we went along,we introduced each other,and soon found out,that she wasn't living that far away from my place.Though it was a short and brief chat,I could tell she was a really sweet person.After bidding goodbye,we went our separate ways.

From then on,I've met her almost every single day,because circumstances required me to walk to the bus stop everyday on my way to work.We had brief and short conversations,and before long,we became fast friends.We started having conversations online,every single day.I learned to enjoy her company,and in time,she stated how much she enjoyed my company as well.

I no longer felt lonely,but yet,I felt this feeling tugging at my heart.It was a feeling I had never felt.A feeling so indescribable,I could not even put it into words.No composition could contain such a beautiful feeling.I learned,that I've fallen in love with her.It was a satisfying feeling,that made my heart feel warm.It kept me warm and fuzzy inside.

However,due to some stories I've heard,I kept my feelings at a distance,making sure,I never cross that line.Foolishly thinking I could hold such a powerful force inside of me,I tried with all my might,but 1 day,I felt like I could no longer hold it in.It wasn't really my fault to begin with,and I couldn't really understand what was happening.

I thought of her all day long.I missed her so much.And all I wanted to do,was to show this affection to her,and to care for her.This thing called love,certainly has an effect,and it changed my life totally.1 day,I knew,I had to do something about this feeling within me.I knew the risk I was taking in doing so.

I faced 2 possibilities.The most obvious fear,was the fear of rejection,a feeling so painful,its caused some people to go into depression.Then,I could lose her friendship.A consequence so painful,I shuddered at the thought of it.I had grown accustomed to her company,and just the feeling of losing all that in a blink of an eye,made me freak out.

Then again,what if she accepts me?What if it all works out?Seventh heaven?Cloud 9?Deliriously overjoyed?I faced with 2 such decisions.I pondered about it for a long time,taking my time to digest,and prepare myself for every possible outcome.Do I really want this?Can I really handle the pain of being rejected?

Finally,I mustered the courage to do all of it on 1 lovely Monday night.I walked over to her place,and was just about to ring the doorbell,when I withdrew. "You can do this man.Just go for it." Again I tried to mobilize my finger to the doorbell,but yet again,I withdrew.At my final attempt,I managed to at least ring the buzzer.

Opening the door,she gave me that smile that immediately melted my heart.My knees turned into jelly.My palms started to sweat.And my tongue decided to get tongue-tied.I could actually hear my heart pound against the walls of my being.It all happened suddenly.Why?What's the cause of all this?I later realized that this happened to all guys.Its a process.

As we went in,and settled down to a nice bottle of champagne,I mustered the courage to confess.An uncomfortable silence filled the air.I stared down uneasily at my feet.I squirmed uneasily in my seat.Finally,a reply was given in a soft but sweet voice that had become the very rhythm of my heart.

I was stunned! "I stared at her with that eyes that said "I love you." We both smiled sheepishly and she giggled in excitement.As time went on,I realized that she was my world,she was my everything,that I loved her with all my heart.There wasn't a moment that passed by without me thinking of her.

Every moment spent with her,was like the best time of my life.As we progressed on,I realized that in order to love the way I should,I had to sacrifice a part of my life to her,and then only will I be able to share her life.This much I've learned,and this is the best opportunity life has ever presented to me.

I've realized what it means,to be in love.

-Matt-

To the Death!

2006-09-13T18:50:00.000+08:00

Surrounded by thugs and man of ugly looking faces,it was a fight to the death.I stood in the middle,all alone,protecting you from the likes of these vicious savage uncivilized beasts.I was truly outnumbered,but I wasn't gonna let them hurt you,so I made up my mind to protect you,or die trying.

"Hand her over,or we'll tear you limb from limb," shouted a big burly man,who was obviously the guy calling the shots. "Never!I'll protect her even if it means losing my life," I replied in defiance.Without a moment's hesitance,the thugs caved in around me,as they attempted to grab the love of my life away.

I put up a fight,1 after another,as I battled vigorously and beat off 1 thug after another.Outnumbered,I had no chance whatsoever to fight this battle,but I was determined to pay for my own sins,rather than to give in,and let her be taken away from me,where I'll never forgive myself.

I still remembered,when she looked me in the eye,and uttered this few words, "Let them take me.I can't stand to see you perish in front of my eyes." But I stubbornly insisted on putting up a fight."Who knows what horrible plans they'll execute on you?" So,here I was,fighting off a whole group of thugs,just waiting to make me pay.

After awhile,I collapsed,unable to stand up again.With roars of laughter,they left me to rot and bleed to death.As I looked her in the eye once more,I had the satisfaction of knowing,that she loved me the way I loved her. "Baby,I just want you to know,that you mean the whole world to me,and I'll never let anyone take you away from me.Just tell me 1 more time,that you love me."

As she fumbled about my pockets for my handphone in between loud sobs,I uttered to her. "Its no use.You know its no use.Just look me in the eyes,and tell me that you really love me." As she looked,her tear-stained eyes locked into my gaze. "I love you," were the very last words that I heard,and as she put her lips to mine,I smiled,and closed my eyes with pure satisfaction."

-Matt-

12th September 2006!

2006-09-12T20:01:00.000+08:00

3 quarter of the year has passed.As I sat down and pondered upon what I've been through,it truly has been a radical year of happenings.I just recap sometimes of what I've been through.I'm still in amazement at what has happened so far.You may say its only been 9 months,but I've experienced so much in this 9 months thats enough to last me a lifetime.

I've been through the highest and the lowest point in my life.Its been pretty crazy.I've been in seventh heaven,and went through hell.Experienced so much more in 1 year than I have in my last 17 years of my life.Just can't wait to wipe out all those moments of hell I've been through.A past so painful,I don't wanna recall.

I'm just looking forward without ever glancing back.The scars remain,and it'll take a long time to heal.I've learned so many lessons though.I've learned what it means to love,and to be loved.I've learned what it means to be hurt so bad,life's not worth living anymore.I've learned how to cry my eyes out.

I've learned the true meaning of friendship.I've learned the pain of losing a best friend,and never regaining it back.Most of all,I've learned how to come out stronger.I've learned more about myself than anything else.When I fall,I fall down hard,but I know,that He's always there for me,though He may seem distant from me at times.

Maybe its cause I turned 18 this year.I thought I'll just be given more responsibilities and to some extent,more freedom.Instead,I got more than that.I've had the most life changing year I could ask for,and its not over yet.If my life were to be plotted down on a graph,you'll see it moving up and down,up and down.Literally like a yo-yo.

Just wanna thank God that things are looking up for me now,and there's even the added ingredient of more stress,exams and assignments,but I've got 2 things to lean on.I've got my Daddy up there,and also,my best friend in the whole wide world to lean on.I still kinda wished I had never hurt a really really good friend I had before this,and thats 1 of my biggest regret in life.

Friendship seems to mean a whole lot to me this year.This year,more than ever,I've learned that I can't survive without my best friends.Let me put it this way,from the way my view has changed about the word 'friendship'.Friends are there to temporarily fill the emptiness and the loneliness,but they can never feel the big gap,the void,the hole inside,which only best friends can accomplish.

I've learned to cherish my best friends more.We'll never know what we have till we've lost it,and I now know what it means to lose a best friend.Friendship means more to me now than just a plain word we use in our daily lives.The power of friendship can never be denied.I believe no one can live alone.

Moving on to another topic.1 of the greatest force on the planet,love.Hope,love and peace will be the only elements that last,and among the 3,love is the greatest.This word has brought on a dramatic change in my life.I've learned to give,sacrifice,and offer a part of me,to learn and know more about another person.

I've learned to trust,and to give unselfishly.I've given away a part of me,and I've never regretted it.Things can only get better.The more you sacrifice and give away,the more you'll learn about the other person.A principle,that contains the element of risk-taking,but I believe,is essential.

I've learned what it means to be in charge,to be a leader,to have responsibilities,to organize,and ultimately,to lead.There's just so much more to leadership than just leading,commanding,organizing,and delegating.I've learned,that as a leader,the feelings of those below you,count and leading is not about a person being in the limelight,but,a leader is 1,who integrates with the peeps below,and working together for the better of the team.

I've learned,never to underestimate what He has placed into your hands to manage.I've learned never to compare with others more superior than you,cause I know,that 1 day,we'll reach that kinda status.I'm proud of my youth group to say the least.You guys really are the best.I've learned so much from you peeps,and will continue learning.

I've learned to a certain degree,to cope with stress and all the nonsense that comes with it.College life has its share of exams and assignments,and how I hate them,but I've learned what it means to be stressed out and all.So far,I guess I'm doing fine.Things will always turn out alrite in the end,even if its sometimes last minute work.

Its been a life changing year indeed.I've got 3 more months to go.3 more months of more happenings I'm sure,but more convinced than ever,my future looks bright.Never looking back now!Though I've had my regrets,I can only correct them to a certain extent.Not gonna allow it to hold me back.I really hope,I'll be able to correct this mess that I've made.

Till then,cheers to a remaining good year!

PS: Here are some of the H.Y.P.E. pics of the Trailblazers! Thanks to Kel Li! Enjoy!

Lead Singer! Tada...

Sharmein - Backup Singer!

Barney - Guitarist!

Phoebe - Bassist!

Eu Jin - Drummer!

Andrew - Pianist!

Eu Wyn - Percussionist!

L-R: Claudia,Carmen,Felicia. My 3 additional Backup's!

-Matt-

The Emo Freak Strikes Again!

2006-09-11T13:07:00.000+08:00

Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed, you share with me.
This night is wild, so calm and dull,
these hearts they race from self control.
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine,
we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed, lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here, from all the stupid questions.
"Hey did you get some?". Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

---------------------------------------------

Sitting here,surveying my surroundings,wincing at the thought of a whole day without the faintest idea of what to do next.Pacing uneasily across the floor,with every footstep,I felt my heart jump a lil.Grimacing in pain as I held my half bleeding arm,I realized I gotta get out.

Within a split second,thousands of possibilities crossed my mind,but it was now or never.With 1 quick movement of my arm,I snatched the chair,and knocked the guard unconscious.Dashing for the door,I found the tunnel that I had dug all this while,which led to the manhole that led to the sewers,my only hope was to make it to the exit before the alarm triggered,and set the entire prison household upon me.

"Baby,wait for me,I'm coming." That was the 1 single thought that ran through my head.Ducking under sewer pipes,and swimming across occasionally deep channels of water,I swam tirelessly.I could already hear the alarm ringing in my ears,as footsteps were heard above me.

Using whatever knowledge I had of the sewers,I took the nearest shortcut,and stopped dead in my tracks.Guard dogs were wandering,sniffing out my very scent.I backed off,knowing that as long as I stayed drenched,my scent wouldn't be traced.It was too late.There were guards everywhere.

I had to find another way to reach the exit.Lunging myself into a side entrance,I crawled through,taking occasional glances behind me.I knew,that the nearest exit lay just a few hundred meters in front of me,but I had to make 1 big round,avoiding any possible routes that may have been taken by the dogs that now roamed the sewers,on a mission to hunt me down.

With each step,I grew in determination and pushed and persevered on,knowing I had to make it out.After going through the dark and smelly tunnel that was filled with the stench of dead rats,I came out,unscathed,nearer to the exit.Peeping from behind the wall,I saw 3 guards looming around the exit.

I had no choice.Ambushing them,I knocked out 1,and put up a fight against the other 2.Fighting for all it was worth,I triumped,with a bruise leg,and some cuts,but with a very deep wound on my forehead.It seemed as if the whole sewers seemed to echo with the cries of the fallen men.I hurried up the stepladder,only to find the manhole,heavily locked,and barred.

Fighting to keep calm,I dived straight into a channel that led to another exit.I could hear,as there were footsteps constantly behind me.It seemed that my imagination was toying with me.To my relieve,I found the next exit,unguarded,and without a single soul within a mile radius.

Hastily,I climbed out.Tired,exhausted,I dragged myself to the corner of the stress,and sat there,injured. "I'm not giving up now.I need to see my baby 1 more time." I stopped a cab,told him the address,and asked him to hurry.He gave me funny stares,due to my current condition and state I was in.

Wrinkling up his nose because of the foul stench,he drove me there with such an urgency,to which I was grateful.As we reached the area,I still had 1 more final hurdle to climb before I reached my destination,8 flights of step.As I dragged myself up,I could feel all the remaining energy within me drained out.

I finally arrived in front of the door,and I rang the doorbell.The minute she opened the door,I collapsed into her arms.In between her tears and her sobbing,I told her the only thing I wanted to ever say to her. "I love you." And I closed my eyes,never to open them again,as I had accomplished what I had set out to do.

-Matt-

Self-patronize!

2006-09-10T16:55:00.000+08:00

Frame a portrait of myself and destroy it.Burn! Burn! I'm sorry for putting you in that situation.Didn't mean to.I really feel like @#$% for causing you so much trouble.I don't deserve anything.Screwed my day even more.Shoot me and leave me to bleed.Blood gushing out,will probably be left all alone.

Slap me in the face.Punch me in the nose.Hit me wherever you wish.I'm sick and tired of all this @#$%.Just push me down,and leave me there.As if it wasn't bad enough screwing up my own day,I screwed yours too.I'm sorry.Emo freak! Emo freak!A self-assigned label.Beat me up till there's no more life in me.

Yell the @#$% out of me.Left all alone again.Facing up to another friggin week.Might as well give up now and just rot.Shredded into 2,I lay down,with nowhere left to turn to.Nobody cares!Nobody gives a damn!Just leave me to die.I've become a monster.Turned into something I don't want to.A friggin burden.No words can describe the deep sincere apology I have to say to you.All I can say is,I'm sorry.

Tossed and turned like a bundle of clothing inside a washing machine.Shredded and torn like a pound of meat by a pack of ravenous dogs.Pierced and stabbed with daggers and knives,sharp enough to slice through steel as though it was some kinda cake.Butchered and clobbered till I'm sore and bleeding everywhere from its effects.

Smashed and crushed with emo thoughts,like there was no tomorrow.Beaten up,and dragging myself,living without energy to depend on.Branded a jerk,or at least self branded.Screwed up nicely.I messed things up nicely.I'm sorry.Don't know what to say to you.I let 1 careless split second ruin things up nicely.

I've wronged you.I'm guilty.I've put you in a wrong position,and I'm sorry for it.As if being emo wasn't bad enough,I had to do that to you.I'm in such a bad state now.I don't know how to say sorry to you.Damn me!What have I done?I can't believe it! I'm so sorry.I'm near to tears now.I've screwed up my whole day.

Self-patronize!

-Matt-

Live for the Moment.

2006-09-09T18:29:00.000+08:00

Matt's Current Status

Level of energy: 30%(And dropping)
Responsibilities: Uncountable
Things in his mind: Too many to list down
Emo-ness level: HAZARDOUS level
Stress level: Rather HAZARDOUS as well
Tiredness: Pretty tired

Been a long day.Was in church the whole day.Was there from 9 in the morning till 6.Had missions training as well as worship practise.I've got nothing to do,except rant and rave about my day.What a whole load of things to do.I can't even enjoy my weekend properly because of my stupid English assignment.Keep thinking what to do for the stupid project.

Just thinking of what to do.Nobody's online to talk to.I miss all my chatting buddies.Is it gonna be another lonely night?Who knows.Just can't bear to face another week once the weekends are over.Its always gonna be lonely weeks,1 after another.Can't seem to mingle and mix with the peeps in college.

All my best friends aren't from college,and are not easily accessible.Nobody seems to share same interests and stuff.What happened to all my best friends?Feeling unloved and insecure again.Damn it! I miss you so badly.Can't think straight.Don't wanna face another week again,with nowhere to go,no one to turn to,and facing all that pressure and stress alone.

Horrible horrible feeling!A deep gap just calling my name,yearning for me to give in,and fall into the abyss of loneliness.Don't wanna give in,but it's enticing me into its grasp.Keep me next to you.I don't wanna fall,and face the possibility of getting up again,which is a near zero percent chance of succeeding.

Gasping,seeking for some attention,for some love,and wanting to know,that I'm still loved in this world.Gives me a sense of security,and comfort,to know that somebody loves me.Why must I feel this way?Why insecurity?I have no reason to feel this way.I have everything I could ever ask for to make me feel loved and comforted.Why should I be feeling this way?

Or maybe I do.Maybe I have valid reasons.The pasts still leaves its scars although life's looking up for me now.Emotional scars that torment me.The scars are the reason why I've become the walking zombie that I am today.Need time for the wounds and the scars to heal.Believing that it'll be soon.I really shouldn't feel insecure,lonely or even unloved.

Executing a rather weird,but effective therapy right now.Gotta love,love and love to totally crush all these feelings of insecurity,and the feelings of being unloved.Of course,it doesn't hurt knowing the fact that I'm being loved.Those our added bonuses.Something like nitrous oxide to a car.An energy or a turbo boost.Scars...Gotta get rid of them.I guess,there's 1 phrase thats really ringing in my head right now.

Live for the moment.

-Matt-

Conform,or be Ostracized!

2006-09-07T18:14:00.000+08:00

Home by Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I'm fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
That this is not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

Just don't get how life runs around on its own.Perplexed,confused.Its so easy to be on the top of the world at 1 moment,and the next,you're so low in the dumps,you've forgotten what it is to experience joy.Still trying to win the war over my emo state.Just a matter of time I believe.

Slowly progressing day by day.I wished you knew,how much I needed you to be there for me when I'm in the low's.I just don't wanna put all that expectations on you.I'm scared you'll feel pressured,and I'll be a burden to you,and thats something I never want to happen.

I never want you to feel pressured,and thats why I keep it to myself.Your company is missed every single second of everyday,but you have other obligations and other responsibilities,and I don't wanna be in the way of you living your life.It'll just be too selfish of me.

Climbing up this mountain,and then falling down again halfway.I wished you knew,but I guess,I wanted you to take the initiative to find out whats wrong.Still,I don't wanna be a hindrance to you.I wished I could face this alone,but I can't,because I'm lacking companionship and friendship.

If only someone would care,if only someone would call,if only someone would take the time to talk,if only someone can be there when I need them.Am I becoming too dependant on peeps?Maybe I am,but what the heck's wrong with that?I'll die without any friends.

I'm dying in college.There's no one to connect with.Surrounded by temptation,its either to conform,or to be ostracized.What the heck's wrong with this?The situation is so bad,that if I don't conform,I'm all alone.Just gotta work through another 8 months of loneliness.,hopefully not another 4 years.

Facing the world all alone,I feel like *beep*.I can't take it.I don't wanna breakdown.Just give me the strength to carry on.I need you so bad.I really do.I'm not afraid to say I miss you.I'm not afraid to say that I need you.I just can't do it alone.The world looks at me with those cruel eyes,and laugh and scorns at me.

Its so tough living the life that I live.Just gotta persevere and push on,and I hope,you'll always be by my side as we both go through life's perilious journey.I'll be there to hold your hand,and I hope,you'll be there to hold mine.I just need your support more than ever.Need to know that you'll always be there for me.

Argh,I'm being emo!What the heck????Pathetic!

To conform or be ostracized.I need you to walk me through life.Help me,or I'll slowly fade away.

-Matt-

Destined to be a Loner?

2006-09-05T22:24:00.000+08:00

Feelings of dejected-ness,rejected-ness and being unwanted.I've lost my place among the social hierachy,and found myself in wanting,of best friends.Is it just me,or am I being silly?I'm overly dependant,yes,I won't deny that.Life is too much to bear alone.Its weight would crush me to oblivion without anyone supporting me.

I've lost a best friend recently,and I've found out the hard way how much a best friend's support,company and advice can be the best gift I can ever receive.Lost one,but found another.I guess,I still need another best friend who's always by my side.Don't get me wrong.You're really the best friend I always wanted,and everything more.

Just that,feelings of loneliness continue to haunt me.Emptiness and all.What's wrong with me?Why are best friends so hard to find?They're never that easy to get,but easy to lose.Friends are everywhere,but what happened to all my best friends?I can't believe I'm feeling this way,probably due to the fact that I can't be there for you.

Best friends are suppose to be there for each other,but if I can't be there for you,it defeats my purpose.Feeling terribly down.I know I don't wanna be emo and all,but yeah,I've been hit again.It kills me seeing you like this.Agony beyond description.Pain beyond comparison.Watching helplessly,as you suffer without me,knowing that if only you'll let me help,I can.

Am I destined to be without many friends?I can't survive.I thought with you,I don't need anyone else.Its true,you're 1 of the greatest motivation in my life,and I feel as if even the sky is not my limit.As long as I have you,I can do anything.The thing is,you were there for me when I needed you.I can't even be there for you when you need me.

Its eating me up slowly.It feeds on this loneliness,and grows stronger in strength every moment I leave it to eat on me.I want real best friends.There are normally peeps who I thought would be my best friends.They start out well,but somewhere in the middle,they lose the concern for me,and they no longer show the kind of care they once did.

Where are you peeps?Why have I been abandoned?Am I too horrendous to behold?Am I really a jerk?Am I not good enough for anyone?I stand alone,facing a desert,with only a few support 'beams' to lean on.So far,I've only found 2-3 best friends in my entire life,capable of being there for me no matter what time,how busy, or how much trouble they'll take to be there for me.

I would say,the qualities of a best friend that means alot to me,is their constant concern showed,the willingness to listen,and just to be there.This are rare jewels.Its no wonder they're so hard to find.Without a doubt,I'm feeling this deep emptiness.Its like a big cave,with so much space to feel,but so little to fill it with.

I've had enough asking for more friends.I want best friends.Peeps that will stand for me,care for me,show concern to me,be there for me,listen to me rant and rant for all its worth,and most of all,to accept and understand me for who I am.Why must I actually feel this deep gap within me?I know I have God as my best friend.

I just want more peeps who really can be my best friends.Indeed,I do not even have 10 best friends at the moment.For someone who clicks easily,its surprising how I'm lacking of best friends.Supposedly a self-proclaimed social dude,I can't find friends who'll always ask how I'm doing and all.

I just wanna give up.Drop dead here.All my best friends,don't even trust me with their problems.I can't help at all.Helpless.Defeats my purpose as a friend.I'm not trustworthy enough.Just shoot me.I'm no use to anyone on this earth.On the verge of having a breakdown.Don't know whats gonna happen next.

Destined to be a loner?Only time will tell... =(

-Matt-

Emo Attack!

2006-09-04T09:25:00.000+08:00

*Bang* Another bullet tears through my flesh,pierces the skin,and gets lodged inside.Sensing a pain,I collapsed on the ground.Looks like I've been further decapicated by life's friggin circumstances.It didn't look so bad at 1st,but now,it looks like,I'm down on the ground,picking up myself,with a wounded limb.

Without a doubt,circumstances sometimes SUCK!They torture the crap outta you.I'm down and injured,and the only thing I can think about is...you.I know you're gonna be there for me,cause we're both in this together.How you can just sit back and endure,I really can't comprehend.Once-twice a week opportunities are just to little to withhold,withdraw,keep a distance and stay away.

Its anticipated,looked forward to with such an exuberance of energy and excitement,and then,when the day comes,I gotta backoff?Its like there's gonna be an invincible wall just between us.What the heck?It hurts me so bad.There's so many restrictions and "don't do's" that seems to unveil itself in a neverending list.

This is the latest setback yet.A major drawback.Its wounded me so bad,that it'll take me a few days just to recuperate from this.What do you do when love is restricted to just words,and not transmitted through actions?Its unbelievable pain and torture.So close,yet so far.Life doesn't really treat me kindly,by adding all these unnecessary circumstances.

They say "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." True,but its extreme pain,and it sucks when finally,your hear grows fond,and you can't do anything to satisfy it.Its gonna be 1 heck of a long time more before the next school holidays are actually here.A long wait to test my patience,and how strong the bond is.

Definitely,my feelings,or my emotional pulses from my beating heart,as how I like to put it will never change.Not only do I have to wait till the next school holidays come,but now,on a weekly basis,I can't even satisfy this deep longing?An emotion so deep,it cuts right through the heart; an emotion I term as,insatiable deep longing,and to miss someone.

Is this some kinda test?Sigh...What can I say?Improvise?I can't think of anything.Gonna just take time to swallow this pill in.Its bitter,and painful to say the least,but well,I've gotta think of whatever positives I can get from this situation.At least I've got you.I guess you're the real motivation,a real drive that pushes me to do what I need to do.

Maybe that'll be able to steady this emo crap that seems to get worse by the minute.Looking forward,I'm gonna start looking for a short-term solution,or some kinda provision just to get us through till the next school holidays come.Till then,I guess this is some kinda preparation for the upcoming hurdles we might face in the future.

I guess the biggest positive is that I've learned to appreciate whatever little time we've had and we'll have.Without a doubt,it has made me love you more.I'm so sure,that whatever may come our way,I've got you,and the future looks brighter than ever.This minor setbacks,will be a sample,of what we may have to go through for us.

I tend to make a mountain out of a molehill.Its like,the emoness amplifies the problems we face.Add insecurity,and you've added oil into the fire.I just thank God for you.I can always lean on you.You're my biggest supporter.I hope I'll be able to accept this fact soon,and just really find at least a temporary solution.I've already found a possible 1.Just waiting for the right time to execute it,and to obtain your opinion.

Are things gonna be different now?I hope not.Just gonna tone it down a lil I guess,if thats okay with you.Things are really going well,and I don't wanna lose it.Gotta keep up the momentum.I love you too much to change the way things are going,but it'll definitely be toned down a lil.

Wait for me...

-----------------------------------------------------

Been a long day.Recorded the stupid radio program thingy at the recording studio.Spent 4 friggin hours there doing nothing but recording.What a bore!Well,at least its done with.So glad!Been doing a bit of thinking.Was considering a 180 degree change.Maybe I'll consider changing myself in this aspect.

Being emo sucks.Someone once told me,that being emo,in a way,is rather good as well.Its being different from the norm,standing out from everyone else.I see it does more harm than good.Been trying not to be emo,but when it happens,it sucks real bad.The after-effects can be devastating.

I think by being emo,I'm being an extra burden.After doing some major pondering and thinking,I guess I'll change,for the better,for us.Still trying to digest it.Will take some time.Perhaps,by changing,I can counter this faster,and it won't affect me that badly.

Who knows?Then again,the challenge lies in changing myself from who I am.Its gonna be tough,but I'll definitely try.Nobody likes changes.I for 1 hate it,but I've got a motivation so huge,I feel I can do so much more stuff I would never have thought of.This will be interesting.

An interesting tagline I found. "Love transcends any boundaries."

-Matt-

Awesome Weekend!

2006-09-03T16:52:00.000+08:00

Finally,all the practises paid off! H.Y.P.E 06 was a success! Yesterday,went early to church for practise,at 1 pm,but in the end,ended up spending 3 hours doing nothing,cause the whole system wasn't set up.Wasted our time there,and no last practise actually added all that extra stress and tension I already had.

It was no joke!Waiting for the event can be a nail-biting experience.It just adds on to the pressure and all.Managed to calm down and chill.Few of us then headed back to freshen up before an early dinner,and our final sound check.Sounded pretty okay.The music was really loud,just how I like it.

Started half an hour late because of the rain,but the party soon started at slightly over 7.The amount of people made it even harder to calm my nerves.Hmm,found another weakness.As a leader,showing your nervousness can be fatal.Gotta keep calm even when I'm feeling the pressure.

In the end,turned out that we did rather well.Haha,we had all the adults and mummy's and daddy's to support us! It was an awesome experience! To the Trailblazers,you guys rock! So proud of all of ya!It was definitely a night to remember,as well as our 1st stepping stone,to greater and bigger things to achieve!

Everyone's already asking,when's the next time we're gonna perform.Haha!Amazing stuff.I'm just sorry that none of my college friends turned up to support me.I'm so friggin disappointed to be honest!Not even a single 1!You guys totally let me down! =( Only had 1 friend who came,and I haven't seen him for a long time.Great to meet up with ya Elisha!

Basically,we chilled for the rest of the night.Sean came over to my place for a sleepover!Cool!Talked till 3am,woke up at 8am,and then had to serve today.Tiredness!Well,not to mention I've gotta do the recording for the radio programme tomorrow.Sigh...Stressfulness!Not in the mood to do anything at the moment.

What a weekend.But yeah,this is the start of something new,and the Trailblazers are gonna rock the youth of this generation!Hmm,here's some pics to end my lil post on my weekend.

Trailblazers lighting the way at H.Y.P.E. 2006!

Altered Frequency!

Kysern on the lead from Altered Frequency!

Pastor Chris Long with the message! "Its Tell the World la,not Terrible,or Tamil!"

In the end,there were either peeps getting leg cramps,losing voices,or exausted to the point of lifelessness.It was worth it.Jumped for all my worth,and shouted like there was no tomorrow.Can't wait for H.Y.P.E. 2007! Yeah!

PS:Do send me the other pics that I don't have! Thanks!

----------------------------------------------------

A point where I achieved seventh heaven,went on the high end,and then plummeted helplessly towards the ground,as my mood swang from high,to low.Insane mood swings you might add,and all due to my tendency to worry about unnecessary matters and to think beyond what I should.

A really bad habit,that can be hazardous.Being emo adds oil to the fire.Killer mood swings.Realized that I gotta set myself in the right frame of mind,even when it seems impossible.Almost lost concentration this morning,just cause I was worried sick.Realized I had sinned later on,and apologize to my dear Daddy.

Gotta set my priorities right.Think straight.Focus on the current task at hand.Need to know exactly how to keep my cool when circumstances like this hit me!Hopefully I'll learn as time goes on.Till then,lets hope this thingy swings back the other way round.Its very tiring.

-Matt-

Walk me Through this Tunnel!

2006-09-01T07:52:00.000+08:00

Tagged! =)

Things About My Perfect Lover

- The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different things about his/her perfect lover
- Must mention the gender of his/her perfect lover.
- Tag 8 other victims and add a heart on their blog.
- If you are tagged a second time, there is no need of doing this.
- Lastly, most importantly, have fun doing it.

1.Loving - She must love me for me,and not because of other stuff.

2.Caring - She must care for me,be there when I'm down,and show concern everytime.This is especially needed cause I'm a bit insecure. =P

3.Sweet - Who doesn't like pampering?I don't know how to say this,but well,girls are naturally sweet,aren't they?

4.Taker - Someone,who'll receive and take,when I give something or spend her something.When I say can,means can.When I say I wanna spend,means I wanna spend.

5.Supportive - Someone who's always there to support me when I fall.As long as I'm on the right track,she should be my biggest supporter.

6.Short - Short as in someone shorter than me.I don't fancy girls taller than me.It would be quite embarassing.

7.Jealous - Haha,okay,I'm running outta traits.Don't know what else to put.A lil jealousy won't kill.Just a lil. =)

8.Pretty - Looks are only half of a perfect lover.Outer beauty doesn't last.Inner beauty does.Character is more important I would say.

I tag whoever's reading this.Haha.Nyeh! =P By the way,there's no such thing as a perfect lover.Here's something for you to ponder on.

"Nobody's perfect,till we fall in love with them."

----------------------------------------------------

Surrounded by feelings of insecurity.Pushed to the limits.Tested beyond my patience.And changed beyond my recognition.Definitely,its gonna be a weekend of testing,as I try to put this aside,and outta my life,and move on to greater things in store for me.I know more than ever,my future's brighter than it was before.

Without a doubt,the only thing holding me back is this,and the longer I hang on to it,the worse it becomes.Gotta really make an effort to just push this aside.Easier said than done,but who said challenges in life would be easy anyway?Being emo doesn't really help.It only serves to make things worse.

Blocking all these thoughts will be a challenge,but I believe I can do it.Sometimes,being too easy going takes its toll on me too.Just gotta put my foot down firmly,and say,"I'm gonna overcome this."The challenges of life,always present to really shape and mold me into the person He wants me to be.

The future is definitely uncertain,and more than ever,I believe that now,after my life took a drastic turn,but for the better.A change can happen anytime.A constant reminder that my future's in His hands is definitely needed.This weekend will probably prove to be the most hectic and stressed up yet.Then again,its all part and parcel of life's journey.

There's always that time when we feel stressed up,and pressure squeezes you till there's really no juice left in you.Moments like this,create a sort of tension that builds up within.Its like being placed in a pressure cooker,and the heat is turned on,where you gotta do everything in your power to survive.

For now,I'd say I'm hoping for strong support,someone to fall back on when I need you there.I hope its not too much to ask for.Just get me through this weekend,and then,I promise you,I'll never look back on this matter again.Can you promise me that you'll always be there to hold my hand,and to walk the way with me?

I know I can count on you.I just need a constant reminder.Sigh,being insecure doesn't really help my situation.I really gotta say,you've been the most understanding person close to me,thats really taken the time to help me through.I'll definitely give you my 100% once this weekend is over,and I can finally devote it all to you.

Till then,you gotta bear with me for this week.I'm in the process,and its getting tougher,but I think with your help,I'll be able to make it through this weekend.The end of the tunnel is near.Just need you to hold my hand,and walk with me,as I grasp my way through.You've been the best I could possibly ask for.

Just bear with me until this week is over.I know that as long as you're there to pull me up,we'll make it through.Slowly,you'll help me feel secure again,and regain that self-confidence that has been crushed to the point of no recognition.Walk me through this tunnel...

-Matt-

H.Y.P.E. Concert 06! Countdown Begins! 2 Days to Go!

2006-08-31T14:53:00.000+08:00

Crap.I've been tagged.Its all Linda's fault =P!

TAGGED!

6 Random Facts About Me!
1.I love being in the spotlight,to stand out!Attention seeker! Haha!
2.I love playing instruments; Drums,Bass,Guitar,and Piano.
3.I'll die without my handphone,and the internet.Can't live without it!Haha.
4.I treasure friends.There's nothing better than going out with the company of my friends.
5.I'm not that good-looking,and recently,I've found out,I'm a jerk.Its sad I know! =(
6.I have only 1 baby,and I love her with all my heart.She means the world to me! =)

-------------------------------------------------------

Pressure's building up.Tension's rise higher.And stress become an all too familiar foe to remember.2 more days to H.Y.P.E. and I'm starting to get a bit nervous.Looks like I've been given a new job.I gotta be the emcee for the concert as well.Had our sorta real final practise.Probably gonna have 1 more on Saturday.

Kinda tiring.I'm really worn out.Bushed out.Well,all the preparations for 1 night.This is gonna be big.I hope all you peeps who I've invited can make it.Support meh,even if my voice sucks!Haha!Hmm...I'm really tired.Need to get some rest,take a short nap.Not to mention I've got my accounts homework to do,and the stupid script to finish off.Assignments!What a bother!

Its kinda exciting though,as it all builds up to that moment.The adrenaline rush of it all,just gives me the thrill.Just gotta keep praying that everything goes out right.Well,2 more days peeps,and then,you get to see the best concert thats ever rocked Section 19 and beyond.Wanna know more?Leave me a tagline!Or message me on friendster or msn.

Oh,I almost forgot 1 more important thing!Happy 49th Independance Day Malaysia!Eventhough I don't show my love for you much,haha,but I love Malaysia!Proud to be a Malaysian,though I missed all the fireworks and whatever countdown they had yesterday night.Sigh...Sadz.

Well,the only highlight of the day was getting to see someone that I've been wanting to see.Nyeh!3 days is a long time to wait.Can you imagine if I only saw you once a week?Argh!Pain!Can't take it!Too long to wait.I miss you baby!Sigh...Need to see you more.Hahaha!Well,nothing much I can do about it,can I?

Well,its gonna be an exciting week! H.Y.P.E. Concert 06! Trailblazers are gonna rock the concert!Be there,or beware! Don't miss it! SEPT 2ND! 6.30PM! FREE ADMISSION! HCC,SECTION 19! ALTERED FREQUENCY FEATURING NARROWAY. TRAILBLAZERS INCLUDED! =P Peace out peeps!

--------------------------------------------------------

I now know what it really feels to long for someone.A sensation that can't be satisfied,but by its source.Enjoying 1's company,loving every moment of it,feeling like cloud 9,and being on the top of the world,is when we miss someone,a feeling so great,it can hardly be described.

Its just a feeling that kinda kills you slowly.Don't know how it feels?Try this!Next time you cut yourself,and you find yourself bleeding from a wound,squeeze some lime,rub it on the wound,and then,you'll truly understand what it means to miss someone.

Its hardly enjoyable.Hmm,I think I'm just being emo I guess.Sigh,missing you badly.Maybe I'm being a bit selfish.Why have dinner out when you can eat in?Haha.Alright,I'll quit being selfish.I just hate missing you,and I can't do anything about it,but sit here and hope.

Not to mention I've lost a best friend within 1 night.How the heck did that happen?I'm still feeling sad that I've lost my best friend.Not to say I haven't had the best thing that can ever happen in my life,but yet,losing a friend of that stature really sucks.Sigh...Baby,I'll have to lean on you more now.You don't know how badly I've missed you.

-Matt-

Learning to Let Go!

2006-08-30T15:27:00.000+08:00

Been through 2 days of pure suffering and torture.Still can't really forgive myself for what I did,but after seeing how things are,I know that we'll never be the same again.Its just hard,cause I don't hurt peeps.I just can't live with myself.When we were close,your company was much appreciated,and attention much loved,but I guess,it'll never be that way again.

After all,you want it that way.Been haunted by my guilt and my tendency to worry,sucks.Especially the 1st night,where the pain and agony was simply tremendous.But after making my decision,I don't regret.There ain't no room for regrets.Life's just too short for regrets.Just the consequences that are killing me.

My baby's been tremendous.You've helped me out,and you've been there for me,all the time.You've been great.Lets hope we can keep this up.Love you so much.If we keep this up,I'll be able to forget my guilt soon,hopefully.Still think I'll regret?Never!Not with you by my side.I'm still sorry for what I did though.Could never have seen this coming.

Tomorrow's gonna be a busy day,not to mention tonight as well.Got homework to do,plus assignments,responsibilities to see out,and peeps to call and confirm stuff and all.I hope you'll be able to go out tomorrow sweetie.

Last practise,and then,its H.Y.P.E. Concert 06!Gonna be a blast!Everyone's all hyped up for the concert,and so far,so good.Just hope all my buddy's who I've invited will be able to make it.Support peeps,support!Thats all I'm asking for.Even if you don't wanna hear me sing(Its not that my voice sucks or anything),at least go there to support me!

Today's the eve for Independance Day.Just heard that Sam's going to Ikano to countdown with Shuenz.How romantic!Sad.I wanna go out to countdown with you also can't.Guess I'll call you at 12?Hahaha...Well,guess there's nothing much to talk about.Will blog again later if I have to.

Learning to let go of my guilt.Help me baby!Need you to hold my hand and bring me through this.Need you so bad now!Miss you badly.

-Matt-

A Special Apology...

2006-08-29T07:25:00.000+08:00

Dear KR,

No words can sum up or even justify what I did to you.I know saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean a thing to you,but I really am sorry for what I did to you.I don't know how else I can say it to you.I've dragged you into a mess,and its all my fault.I wouldn't have expected things to turn out this way either.

I know you said you'll support me in whatever decision I make,but somehow or rather,I knew if I hurt you,that wouldn't be the case.Don't pretend that everything's okay,cause I know its not.I felt like a real jerk and an idiot yesterday.To be honest,I've never felt so bad in my life.Its cause its just not me.I don't wanna hurt anyone.

The decision I made yesterday,was a really tough decision.All the more so after what you told me in the evening.My guilt haunted me for the rest of the night,and still is haunting me.You can't pretend and tell me that you're okay,cause I know you well enough.You just can't be okay in this kinda situation.

I was so worried yesterday,that I didn't wanna tell you at 1st,but since I said that I would,I did.I thought telling you the truth would be the best.You really broke my heart when you said,that we shouldn't be close anymore.When I asked you whether we could still be good friends,you said "I dunno," which I guess,I can't blame you.Even I would have answered that if I were in your situation.

However,you were my best friend,and whether you see it differently or not,I'll never look at you differently.To me,you remain my best friend.You might even hate me now,and might never wanna talk to me again.You might think that we can't really be as close as we were before,and if you have your stand,then I guess there's nothing I can do.

I'm really gonna miss those times we had together,talking online,smsing,and even calling.I believe,you were 1 of the best friends,I could ever have in my life.I'm just sorry that its all gonna end just because I dragged you into this.I've behaved worse than a jerk,even worse than D*****.Would you believe me if I said,I never meant to hurt you in any way?

I lost 2 and a half hours of sleep yesterday,just cause I kept thinking about how sad you'll be.I even broke down in tears,thinking how badly I've hurt you.Its a really bad feeling,but I can't help it.I think too much?Definitely! I guess I'm just not used to hurting people,and I never wanna hurt anyone again.

I didn't give you a wake up call this morning,cause I thought that,you wanted some time away from me,after what I've done.I just wanna say,our friendship means the world to me,and if you wanna call it quits,I understand.I guess nothing I say,can ever justify my actions towards you.I'm just sorry I couldn't see the future,or I would have been able to avert hurting you.

You asked me to follow my heart,and I did.This is what my heart wants.If you never find it in your heart,to forgive me,I totally understand.I just want you to know,that whatever I said or did,was sincere.I meant every word I said.Its just that,it took me a long time,to really figure out,what I want.After much consideration,and giving it really careful thought,this is what turned out.

You may never forgive me,ever.I just want you to know,that I'll be here,once your best friend,but now,only a friend to you,because thats the way you want it to be.If this is goodbye,I wish you all the best in your life,and in your studies.Friends forever,thats what I think of us.Whether you believe in forever or not,this is what I think.I'll never forget you or the moments we've had together.Never!

Take care.Goodbye.

-Matt-

Don't Lose It. Emo Crap!!

2006-08-28T08:48:00.000+08:00

Its a Monday.Another new week.Hmm,my voice sounds rather gruffy.Probably due to the practise yesterday.Sigh,lacking the proper skill to sing properly.Guess I'm screaming more than I'm singing.Need to work it out.Hmm,its getting rather tiring.Taking a toll on me.Everything went smoothly yesterday in church.Nothing much happened.

Woke up with a rather confused mind,again.More confused than I ever was.I guess I can't deny it.I'm still torn.I can't believe it.I think I need to take the most drastic measure and decision possible.I really need to make the 1st move.Guess after reading her blog this morning,maybe I should stop thinking this way.I guess nothing is gonna come out of this.

My head! =( I can't handle it.This is too much pressure and stress.Eventhough I set a dateline last week while in PD,no moves were made,nor were any opportunities that was given taken.I know setting a time on this kinda stuff doesn't really work,but can you blame me?I can't just sit down and wait.Why did you have to bring this feelings back again if you're not gonna do anything??Damn it!!

I'm really sorry to someone else as well.I know you're gonna be reading this,but my mind's really confused now.Remember how I told you that if nothing came out of the trip,I'll know what to do.I'm so sorry,but,all the conversations I had told me otherwise,and convinced my heart so readily.I'm sorry dear.It looks like I still have not made up my mind either.I thought I had already,but it looks like I was totally wrong.I guess that makes the 2 of us.

But maybe,now its quite clear.Seems like I was really waiting in vain after all.I'm sorry.It'll take some time.I really wanna be true to you,but my heart is being seriously naive.Its going the opposite way.I guess it'll take time to be really true to what I feel.I can't believe I'm in this situation.Damn it damn it damn it!!

I was really sincere,but I can't take it anymore.Something's gotta give tonight.I'm gonna make a move either way.Darn it.This post sounds so emo!Argh,I hate myself!!I really ain't gonna sit down anymore.I can go either way.Seems like I'm heading more towards an unknown destination.I don't know.I just get so discouraged with what I read.

I know I'm on to something with you.I just know it.But yet,because of past memories,my heart is still more inclined towards her.Damn it!I can't even believe I'm posting this.I just gotta get this out of my system.I've been sincere.I know what I'm doing everytime I smsed you.I really do.I've meant everything I said.Its just that,my heart is playing a game on me.I'm gonna sort this thing out as soon as possible.

I'm revealing my weaknesses on my blog.Oh crap.I'm going nuts.I can't handle it.Why me? =( Bulldozing my way through it didn't work I guess.It was suppose to be a single path from then on,but it seems like,I've created another crosspath for me.Thus,the tough decision and the confusion that is running amok in my mind.I don't even recognize myself anymore.

Its really now or never.Its A,or B.My heart's still torn into pieces.Knowing my history,I shouldn't even be thinking twice,but I am.Shows I'm just a weakling,falling victim to my emoness.Taken advantage of,by its venemous sting.Its gonna be 1,or the other.I gotta make up my mind and make a move,or I'm gonna mess up my life again.I'm gonna solve this mess tonight.I ain't gonna wait anymore.Just hang in there dear,for me.

Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

[Chorus:]

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

[Chorus:]

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change [4x]

-Matt-

Self-torture.

2006-08-27T17:30:00.000+08:00

If waiting was a game,I'd be the biggest loser for sure.As hard as it may be,waiting is an essential part of life.Patience is a virtue.Just that,waiting sometimes leaves me with a whole load of uncertainty.Well,if waiting gives you the ultimate prize,wouldn't you want to wait?Its not easy,but it'll be worth it all.

For me,time is a game.Depends on how well you play it,and the deck of cards that you've been given.Hmm,been giving it alot of thought lately.Always wondered,what it would be like if I didn't have to wait everytime I wanted something.It would be pure ecstacy,cloud 9,7th heaven.Whatever you wanna call it.Guess everything has its own timing.

Meanwhile,I've learnt to enjoy the process.Getting to know a person more and more is indeed a process,but enjoyable nonetheless.Seems agonizingly long,like eternity,but well,with great rewards to be reaped,I'll take my chances.I must say,time has a liking for slowing things down.In our day and age of modern technology,everything must be instant,even matters like this.

Pushing myself through the boundaries,its not my 1st time venturing here.Been there,done that.I've been here before some time back.Just a different scenario.Shoot myself in the arm,and refuse to treat the wound.No matter.I'm young.I can spare the extra time.Meanwhile,I'll just enjoy the process,and keep myself contented.Time...

Self-torture.

-Matt-

Defeat,but then again....

2006-08-26T18:57:00.000+08:00

Defeat is what pulls you down,slaps you in the face,punches you in the belly,sends a note out to your brain,and teaches you a good lesson.Won't really consider it a defeat,but I guess,I've learned more about myself and other people.I guess I decided to end it 1 day earlier.Observation was tiring.

Even waiting,was really killing me.I guess some thing's in life aren't just meant to be.My decision has definitely been made up,though suddenly,my plan for the not-so-distant future has been dented,and probably won't be fixed,depending on what happens next.All that fiddling,observing,and waiting was in vain I guess.

Had a lot of time to think in PD,and observe.Guess I know what to do now.After all,I've been lenient enough,been nice enough,even been patient enough,but well,I guess there's no point in that.Decision day was even pushed forward to yesterday,but I decided,24 hours more couldn't hurt.So I waited till 3 days were over.

Well,opportunities are given,and taken.Have given out quite a lot in the past few days while my mind was making up its decision,and since they weren't taken,I guess I laboured in vain,and pushed my imagination too far.Well,it is a relief to get this weight off my shoulders.Its just a part of my life which has a never-ending saga,till a decision is made.

Was in a bad mood,particularly yesterday night.I just couldn't think straight.My plan for the not-so-distant future hit another dead-end.Depending on how things go for the next couple of days,I might have to call it off.Leaves me totally without a plan,and I guess,I'll be able to push this aside and concentrate on more important things.Reconstruct a new plan maybe?

Quite frustrated to be honest,but well,life has its fair share of victories and defeat.They both come hand in hand and are part and parcel of life.Sure victory is sweet,but defeat helps us to build character and brings us 1 step closer to understanding our weaknesses and downfalls.I guess I already know my weakness.Just gotta work on it.

If the not-so-distant future seems to be bleak,I guess,then I'll really be able to mold and reconstruct myself towards being a better person.Sigh,wished I could just get my life straight,know what's gonna happen,and work towards it.If not,I'll just take another path in 1 of life's crosspaths.

I guess doing all that thinking while I was having my holiday helped cleared my mind as well.I know what I want.Sadly,what I want doesn't really mean I'll be able to achieve it.Sigh,my head's still pretty much in a mess,only,less messier.With literally nothing at all,yesterday,I felt really down.I just looked at the circumstances,and allowed it to overtake me.

Yeah,I shouldn't,but I just had to.God knows what He has for me.In the mean time,I just gotta work with what I have,and what I don't have.Things don't always work the way we like it,but then again,if it did,do we need God?Thats why He's a genius.I love Him,and I know when everyone else arounds me fades away,deserts me,pushes me away,He's the only one who loves me for the way I am.

Gotta keep telling myself,that well,He holds my future in His hands.Its been a pretty challenging week for me,especially when you think too much,it gets to ya.Just gotta trust Him.

------------------------------------------------------

On another note,here are some pics I took at PD.Enjoy!

Brandon and me.

A view of the beach.

Part of the scenary when we trekked up to the lighthouse.

This tree is covered with thorns,literally,from top to bottom.

Tanjung Tuan lighthouse.

Another view of the lighthouse.

A magnificent view from the cliff.

Another view of the beach.

We trekked up to Tanjung Tuan lighthouse at 7.30.Its in Melaka.So I was in Negeri Sembilan and Melaka on that same day.Thats the thing that was cool.The food was excellent throughout.Thats about it,I guess.Not in the mood to talk about this,as you can plainly see.

Managed to drive back all the way from PD.Its a good feeling,to drive on a highway.Different from the normal roads I usually take.Get to drive faster than my usual speed.Got to catch up with Brandon,especially about Maple.Sigh,well,guess thats about it.Don't feel like going any further.

-Matt-

PS: H.Y.P.E. Concert is next Saturday.6.30pm.Harvest Community Church,Section 19.Message me for details.

H.Y.P.E. T-shirts are out! RM20 only! Get them while stocks last. =P

Out of the Fire,and Into the Frying Pan...

2006-08-23T17:34:00.000+08:00

@#$%@#$@!!! Thats all I can say.I hope my self-control will hold me back.I'm having a real war with it.Its the friggin side of me that just wanna blow up.So pissed.My whole day's ruined.I hate this,I hate this!Why did I have to be like that? @#$%!#%@!!

So terribly disappointed in myself.I'm so sad.Got nothing to say.I screwed up my piano practical exam.What's there to say?I'm so worried now that I won't pass,what more get a merit,or a distinction.Argh.Ruined,ruined!In shambles.I wanted to cry.

I've never felt disappointed in myself this badly before.My mood's totally ruined today.Just before the PD trip as well.How stupid can this get?I can't think straight.Tomorrow,the 4 days period starts.Its just days away before I make that all important decision.

Gotta clear this outta my system.Peeps kept telling me its over,so relax and forget about it,but the truth is,I can't.This is my final piano exam,and if I don't pass,I'll seriously breakdown and cry.There's no way I'm gonna go for another year just to pass the exam.This is it!Must pass.If I don't,it'll be a waste,cause there's no way I'm going to resit that piano exam.

I'm so not in the mood to do anything.I'm sorry.I've let you down.Really.You've been really sweet.Wished me good luck and all.Called me up just before my exam to wish me good luck.Thanks.Appreciate it lots.I was in such a bad mood after the exam.Wanted to sms you,but was in a bad mood.You smsed anyway after my exam,and tried to cheer me up.Thanks,but I really can't.I'm sorry.I'm still so worried.

Well,somehow,I know its gonna be a rough week.Gotta make a big decision,gotta do this,gotta do that.Sigh...This 4 days will determine where I'll be heading.Its a crucial time.Just to observe,and to see what's gonna happen.I'm too young for this.I'm only 18.Too many trials and tribulations.Argh!!Why me??

4 days of observation.3 days of pleasure.2 whole days of food,food and food.And 1 crucial outcome,and then finally,decision time.Major mess.This is it.Its now or never.Just like a runner,focused on his goal,the finishing line,the medal that awaits him,so am I,focused,determining which path my life will take a turn for,looking forward,to what unfolds next.

Everything is channeled to this.All my energy,my thoughts,my focus,and we'll see,what happens next.Its a matter of time,but I ain't gonna play by the rules.As the dateline reaches nearer and nearer,I stand,ever so close,to that point of my life,where everything,hangs in the balance.Pushing towards the goal,my motivation,is unknown.Where such energy came from,I do not know.1 thing's for sure,this time,my decision stands.

God help me,even as I go through this phase of life.This is major.The rest,I leave it in your hands.I don't have to do much to make up my mind.Just gonna wait.Its gonna be 1 heck of a week.Out of the fire,and into the frying pan.The time begins now!

PD,here I come.

-Matt-

My Life's Gonna be Determined in 4 days.

2006-08-22T11:25:00.000+08:00

Tagged! (again...)

Instructions:Name 10 of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 10 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative; try not to use things that someone else has already used.(In no particular order)

1.Football,football,and football.

2.Bowling.

3.Hanging out with peeps.

4.SMSing.

5.Blogging.

6.Eye-candy?(Those of you who understand me,you're smart!)

7.Chatting online.

8.Driving.(More like speeding...=P)

9.Eating.

10.Going to church!

As long as you're reading this,you're tagged,whoever you are.

----------------------------------------------------

Ever had the feeling you've got a big decision on your hands,and you have no idea what to do cause your mind's in a mess?Divided by 2 choices,I'm baffled as to what to do now.Its crazy.You won't believe what's going through my head now.I can't concentrate even when I'm practising my piano.I'm losing my focus,and tomorrow's the stupid exam.Doom's day!!

For the 1st time in my life,I can't decide for myself what to do next.Time isn't that kind to me either.Its playing around with me.I know,I'm running out of time.What should I do?Argh.I can't decide.Following my heart ain't no use.Its undecided as well.The issues of the heart,can be terribly tiring at times.

My mind's totally useless when it comes to stuff like this.All the emo stuff belongs to my heart's department.I wish someone would knock me out and make the decision for me.Though I know 1 thing's for sure.With the kind of time remaining,a decision is imminent.It has to be made within this few days.Probably by the end of this week.

After my wretched exam,then I can concentrate on what to do next.I don't care.I can't stay uncertain this way.I must know what I want.Yet,its a 2 sided thing.I can't make this decision on my own.Damn it!Why must my life be so complicated?I'm only 18 for crying out loud.Oh crap.This is tough again.

Consequences are always there.I don't wanna face them for possibly making a wrong choice.Well,I know how devastating the consequences can be.I know it too well,but I'm not gonna allow it to overwhelm me,and sit on me.Its time,to make a decision.After the stupid piano exam tomorrow,I guess 4 days will be enough.

Shoot.My head!Man,if this doesn't kill,I don't know what will.Sigh.

Dateline set: 27th August.

Its important,and it needs time,but I don't wanna stay in the state of confusion,of not knowing what I want.I'm gonna have to rush it,so I can clear my mind,and get on with what I need to do,like assignments and studies.Can't let this drag me down for the rest of the month and even onwards.Exciting isn't it?

Stressful is what I can say. *Tick tock tick tock* As the clock ticks fatefully,to that day of decision,as well as tomorrow's piano exam!Prayer is what I need.Peace out.

-Matt-

I Can Still Vividly Recall...

2006-08-21T11:53:00.000+08:00

I Can Still Vividly Recall by Matt

I can still vividly recall,
The day you walked out on me,
A day,I now call 'My fall',
And it seemed that it was done with glee.

So low and depressed back then,
With more than I can hold inside,
With the deception that "I can..."
I fell apart,without putting up a fight.

Paranoid I became,day by day,
'Trust' was a word seemingly misused,
On that fateful month of May,
Damage limitation,was all I could do to stop the blood that oozed.

Without a spark of hope,
I lost my sanity,
I heard you gloat,
As I now faced a massive calamity.

Trekking my way back uphill,
Seemed like a task impossible to achieve,
It was hard,with a big gap inside no one could fill,
Then came a voice,whispering, "Just believe."

After what seemed like eternity,
I made it to the peak of the hill,
I had conquered what seemed like insanity,
And was before,on the verge to yield.

Faced with the past,
Even to the point of being haunted,
I don't wanna ever end up last,
In life's race,and be taunted.

To say the least,
I face a dillema ahead of me,
And ignorance is definitely not bliss,
Only I hold the key.

Or maybe not,
Cause in the end,after a battle has been fought,
Me winning or losing,is not in my hands,
Its all in your hands,as fit for you to see it made amends.

I do not know what or why this happens,
It could be,my world darkens,
Yet,I really don't wanna fall,
Not again,because...

I can still vividly recall.

-Matt-

A Disaster in the Making...

2006-08-20T07:56:00.000+08:00

I'm being patronized again.I just know it.Everyone treats me like trash,especially yesterday.I'm just an annoying jerk who gets in everybody's face,or at least it seems that way.It seems like everyone hates me.I'm not a good example.I'm just a loser,a nobody.Whatever I do falls into oblivion.A disaster in the making.

Ever reached a point where you wonder what's a loser like you doing on this planet?How God can even think of using you and forgiving whatever sins you've done in the past?Yeah,I've reached that point.I'm wondering if I really have any purpose here on earth.Since everyone looks down on me,how can I be of service to God?

I know He'll use me somehow,but I just feel not worthy.I'm a useless friend,not a good leader,and give bad impressions about my parents.I've reached the point,where I've questioned Him,whether He can take me back home.I'm sick and tired of living life.I don't wanna be the scapegoat anymore.I don't wanna be the extra burdens that everyone related to me has to carry.

I don't wanna cause problems for other people and get them into trouble.I just wished that I can go back home.I don't wanna be in people's way.Still wondering what to do.I'm just a side act.When I'm needed,then I'll be remembered,and when I'm not,I'm chucked aside,left on the shelve,to collect rust and what not's.

I don't get it.I really don't.What did I ever do to you people?Have I not been nice enough?Being nice doesn't pay?Maybe I should consider my secondary option,which has crossed my mind a thousand times.Try being mean?Never really worked though.I can't even put myself into that kinda position.What rottenness!

Today's Sunday.Am I gonna be patronized now because of what happened?I so don't know what to do.Gotta just chuck this aside,wear that 'everything's okay' mask,and just put it aside.How I'm gonna face up to it,only God knows.Just 1 of those days...

----------------------------------------------------

Just reached back from church.If its a crime feeling low,then I'm guilty.Facing a dilemma.Seemed that my parents never really approved of my ear stud,and today,I got a sorta advice from the speaker.Its really complicated.My life's taken a turn again.His message was really good,and it spoke to me,but,now,I don't know what to do.

Told me that it should never appear on my ear again and stuff.I'm really torn into 2.I guess maybe I'm insecure.I have this feeling that I don't look good enough,that I look like shit?Thats why I wear it,I guess.Well,I've lost my confidence for a long time already.Don't know.Maybe I'll have to stop wearing it?

He kept telling me that I'm setting a bad impression for the other youths.Maybe he's right.This all the more confirms what I've said earlier.Feel like a loser,a nobody.Always can't do things right.I make my parents look as if they didn't teach me and educate me properly.

This endless feeling of uselessness and stuff,really tiring.I really wanna go home.My best friends seemed to have deserted me.I don't blame them either.Don't deserve it at all.Self-patronizing also has become a habit.Life without friends,can be really lonely,and not to mention,makes life not worth living.

Dear Daddy up above,I really hope you'll take me home.I miss Your presence,cause thats the only time I don't feel lonely.Its then that I experience your wonderful companionship.I miss you so.I wished I understood why all this happened to me.Without a clue.

I'm just following the flow of time,wherever it leads me.Looks like I'm heading for self-destruction...

-Matt-

Uneasiness...

2006-08-19T10:52:00.000+08:00

Just feeling not right.Bewildered,confused.My mind's playing games again.I remember so vividly how this felt.Its that constant tagging at my heart.Its killing me.The pain is unbearable.I hold it in me,with no one to help me bear the burden.Its just so heavy,terribly overwhelming.I feel crushed.

Surrounded by my world of insecurity,I'm lacking that feeling of feeling secure,comforted, and loved.A thorn in the flesh,unwilling to release its venom from me.Destroying my capacity to think straight,I'm just a mindless slave,doing its bidding,without a will of my own,entangled in its tentacles that wraps itself around me.

Trapped in its lure,I'm unable to free myself,not by my own power anyway.Pushed to the limits at instances,I'm losing my sanity.Wearing a mask to hide its effects,and the toll it has taken on me,I'm unable to show myself for what I truly am.Afraid that 1 day,I'll no longer be able to be myself,and that of another person.

Until today,the source of my entanglement has yet to be revealed.I'm clueless as to why I'm caught in this,and why I'm fighting a war that I shouldn't be fighting.Trapped in a ghetto of heights beyond my reach,with no means to escape,damage limitation is all I can afford.I've resigned myself to facing this alone.

Its here that I stand,longing for that something extra,that something different,that something extraordinary.You may call this hope,but I call it,a wish,with near zero possibility.Its not wrong to make wishes is it?My definition of a wish,is a hope,that has almost no chance of coming true,and therefore,a wish,is hoping against hope,that it might come true.

Plagued by this kind of circumstances,I can just face it,and hope it'll damage me to the point of no recognition.There's nothing I can do.Just face it,and let time do the torturing.They say time kills the pain,but I feel otherwise.Weaponless,and unprepared,I stand here,facing this massive period,of solitude,as I suffer,in silence...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Just gonna summarize what happened yesterday,as I'm in no mood whatsoever.After Healing Rally,we went off to Chris place,picked Barney and Phoebe,and went touring KL.As the coffeeshop only opens at 1am,we toured,looking for a place to chill,but unfortunately,we couldn't seem to find a place that was open at that kinda time.

It was history created,for I've never been allowed out of the house at that kinda time.Went touring around KL,before reaching the place at 1am.Had Nasi Kerabu,and the roti canai was the best I've ever tasted.It was excellent.I felt the true meaning,of being an 18 year old yesterday night.Thanks Chris for the wonderful supper,as well as the tour around KL.

Twin Towers,if you can spot it.

A better view of the twin towers.

Nasi Kerabu.Rather delicious.

And the amazingly delicious roti canai.

L-R:Barney,Eu Jin,Phoebe,and Chris.(Plus Linda and me,not in the pic)

Yeap.Thats about it.Reached home at about 2.40am.Hopefully Linda didn't get any sort of punishment for being late.Peace out.

-Matt-

Tagged.

2006-08-18T16:05:00.000+08:00

Argh.I've been tagged.Gotta list 7 songs of any genre that I really enjoy now.Bleah.Alright alright.I'll do it.

1. Everywhere by Michelle Branch(I know its old,but I like it.Sue me. =P)
2. Goodbye for Now by P.O.D.
3. I'm not Okay(I Promise) by My Chemical Romance
4. Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy
5. Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy
6. A Little Less Sixteen Candles,A Little More Touch by Fall Out Boy
7. I Don't Wanna Know by Mario Winans(Featuring P Diddy)

Done.I don't know who to tag,cause I don't think my blog's so popular.No one ever reads it.So I won't bother.Whoever reads this,you're tagged.Hahaha!The last song isn't what I enjoy,but I still like it anyway.Just listen to it occasionally.Didn't know what to put.Lolz...As you can see,I'm an avid Fall Out Boy fan.So yeah.Love em.Rock on!

-Matt-

Viciously Mistreated...

2006-08-17T07:41:00.000+08:00

Whats this I'm feeling?Insecurity?No wait,it can't be.Delving deeper,I became fed up,tired,and without wanting to go through the same thing again.It was all too routine.Everyday's the same day.The same thing happens to me over and over again.Even starting to accept it just as it comes by.Whats happening to me?

To live without a care in the world,is a luxury that only kids can afford to have.How I miss those days.There was nothing to worry about.Even offending people wasn't a big thing,as people would look on and not take it to heart,knowing that kids are being kids.Everything was provided.There was no earthly lust for things that we could not obtain.

Ignorance is bliss.Indeed,it is,but nowadays,I question this statement too often.As far as I know it,there's no such thing as bliss when it comes to ignorance.It looked more like ignorance is idiotic.This is the 3rd day in a row,and I'm still feeling that weight upon my shoulders.Gotta get it off somehow.But how?If there's no way,look to time,but time has always played me like a fool.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have reverted to this.My perspective changed so suddenly.I know that if I don't change this viewpoint,its gonna hurt me back.Life can't get any more complex than this.Added with the inferior complexity and the insecurity factor,you've got a disaster in your hands,a crisis.

I require major time off.Just need to put those bits and pieces together,and chuck it aside.Its gonna be hard work.My mind's a mess,and this could take time,again.Thinking straight now is an impossible task.Thinking rasionally,sounds extremely stupid.Trying to move into the path that I was in before this.

Too many decisions,too many problems,too many crosspaths,too many uncertainties,too many realities to face up to,too much unnecessary stress,too much stupidity in the air,and so many wounds to attend to.Striving forward seems a wee bit to hard.Pressure seems to be everywhere I go.Gone were the days of living life the way it should be.

I've strayed too far from where I should be,bringing me to a byway,where I've never travelled before.Its so small,and taking it would mean facing possible challenging tasks straight up ahead,or even nothing at all,leading to a total dead end.Why would I even consider this path?Cause I've reached a dead end before.I definitely don't wanna reach another.

Waiting can be so torturing.It kills just to leave it all into the hands of another,as well as time.Waiting was never my thing,but I've learned to be patient at times.Trials and testings come too often,and I can't afford to be impatient.Its just that,the future's been cast into doubt.The question remains avoided.

The topic suggests waiting for another long period of time.Its not that I can't,but,everyday,is like another day,before I can finally reach the destination that will decide it all.Whether or not its gonna be a bright future,or a bleak 1 remains to be seen.Its a risk everyone takes in life.Life treats me viciously,giving me too many things to wait for.

My patience truly is being tested to its limit.How far it'll go,only time will tell.Keeping it in seems the hardest task at hand.It could take even longer than I anticipate.The current timeframe seems all too short.It'll probably carry on even further.Its no surprise that I'm starting to feel tired.Only sheer willpower and commitment will keep me through.

Looking straight ahead,this time,I don't see any light up ahead.The tunnel it seemed,had no ending,but there is.However,it seems to be an exceedingly narrow and small tunnel.It does indeed cover a rather long distance,and only walking through it,as time goes by,will I know whether its an ending,or a dead end.Only time will tell.

Patience is all I need.How long I'll last,I'm not sure.How long I'll be able to keep this up,I'm uncertain either.This will be the ultimate test of patience indeed.Without a doubt,everything is on the line.Its all in your hands,whether you like it,or not.Time goes by,as second by second,ticks by,I can only watch,and wait.

Day by day,time goes,all too slowly...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm,today didn't turned out that bad after all,though I still think its kinda routine-ish.Well,it was different in the sense,that I got my 1st semester exam results.Well,I was rather satisfied with my results.Straight A's!Okay,so I admit,I'm rather estatic.Its a huge relieve actually,cause if I don't get straight,next year,no scholarship.

This new semester,is already rearing its ugly head.It looks rather tough already.Its like we got double our assignments and exams compared to last semester.Sigh.But well,I really thank God!He's the 1 who really helped me through.Besides my lecturers,He deserves all glory!Yeah!Thanks so much Daddy!

Yeah.And to think only 5 peeps out of 46 peeps in class got straight A's.Stiff competition man!Haha,its a great feeling.Yet,I was bullied.They wanted me to spend them all,since I got straight!Crazy!Some more can suggest Chilli's.Crazy la!Haha.Went to 1U for lunch.Ate my favourite,Chicken Rice!Yeah.Gotta love em.

Went to arcade for awhile after that.Woo,I can drift in Daytona.Wonder if I can still drift in real life,hahaha.Hehe.Was cool.Came back to college,and had Business Communication.1st day of lecture,and had to do research already.Well,thats why its getting tougher.Gotta up my standard by a notch.Competition gonna be tougher.Everyone suddenly seemed more determined to study harder.

Had football after that.Sigh.Tiring,but good.Well,been an okay day.Gotta keep reminding myself,got 2 more semesters left to go,before I move into degree year.Need consistency,to keep up the good results,and continue my scholarship. =) Gonna be challenging,but with God's grace,anything can be done.Piano exam in 6 days time.Doom's day!Pray for me!

-Matt-

Burned out...God help me...

2006-08-16T07:58:00.000+08:00

Sleepy.Tired.My eyes feel like closing up.And I feel so lifeless.Another day of college.The lack of sleep ain't gonna do me much good.Bother.I don't believe it,but yesterday,had a dream for the 4th time.Felt funny,cause I had like a 4 month break from the previous 1.Now,it came back.What has it got to do with me anymore?I shouldn't even have dreamt it.Darn it.My sub-conscious mind is playing games with me.

Still feeling extremely drained out.Hopefully I'll be better today.Wished my life wasn't that complicated.What started out as something simple and innocent,as turned my life upside down.Wasting my time even thinking of it.Just causes my head to whirl even more.I need an outlet.Gotta let all this crap out.Drats.

Struggling just to get through day by day.Maybe after next week,I'll be fine.With the upcoming final piano exam,its gonna kill me.I'm terrified.There's a possibility that I might fail,due to my lack of diligent practise and effort to even wanna practise.Was so tired yesterday,that I came back,and just went online,played guitar,and lazed around.Bummer.I'm becoming lazy.

Gotta do so many things this week.Reprint the songs,organize stuff,go college,face up to stress,carry burdens that I wanna throw away,and not to mention finding the time to practise for the stupid exam.Sigh...And the lecturers were talking about our final exams already.1st day of the new semester and they're talking about whats coming out for the finals,which is 3 months away.What are they trying to do?Intimidate us?Stress us up?

I've had enough.Still drained out and can't think straight.Bother.I need to go out.Must find the time,and 'kaki' to go watch Click.I need to release all the stress bottled up.Problems problems problems!Bleah.I need a breakthrough.Need something good to happen.Need a change of scenary.Well,its gonna be 1 long week ahead.Wished someone would call. =(

---------------------------------------------------------------

Woke up,going into that state of deep thought.It happened,again.After scrolling through some stuff online,I just realized,that I may be way out of my league.It just never occured to me,that I would feel this way,but can you blame me for being insecure?

The fact of the matter is,we live in 2 different worlds apart.You have yours,and I have mine.I can't help but think about a statement I heard not too long ago."We must create a world of our own,a combination of yours,and mine."It was a simple statement,but yet carried such meaning.

However,I've realized that I never could build a combination of your world,and mine.I don't see it happening in the near future.Its just hard to imagine how our 2 vastly different worlds can integrate,combine and just mold into a single world.I don't really think I could do it,without you doing your part.

Come to think of it,you're to caught up in your world,that I may never see how it your world looks like.Its just that,I may never get to see the possibility of creating a world of our own.I'm just so lost,cause I don't know if just hanging on would do me any good.Of course I would want to,but then again,is it gonna be worth any wait?

I just have this pre-conceived idea that you're always be 1 standard above me.The same idea that has been in my mind,that I'm never good enough for you.Its sad,but until you can convince me that I'm worth anything,its gonna stay like that.I don't think you're even gonna consider that.

Therefore,I have this inferior factor.Its blended in so well,that its become a part of me.Its become my personality,my character.It has become me.I myself am unable to convince myself that I'm worth anything to you.Only you can,but sadly,we're not even gonna reach that point.

Sure the future is uncertain.Sure anything can happen.I've heard that before.During the process,or the present,if you wanna call it that way,its hard to say what might happen as well.Where'd my self-confidence go?Where is that side of me,who can take on anything in the world?

Its slowly withering,disappearing from sight.I don't even know the person who I look into the mirror anymore.Its like a disfigured self-image.Maybe I'm really not good enough.I know where I stand,and waiting seems to be in vain,but at the end of the designated time,will I still be the same way I am today?

Time's slowly killing me.Just being able to watch from afar and never go near,it sucks.Live with it,is all I can do.I'm helpless to do anything much in my situation.With literally no hope whatsoever,its quite futile to wait and spectate.I can't deny the fact that its what I wanna do as well.

I'm just sitting here everyday,helpless.I sometimes don't know why I'm where I am today.I can turn back,and walk away,but no,I stick to my guns.I have no idea why.Do you think anything will change in the future?Its so uncertain.I can't do anything,but just watch in despair.Need I say more?I'll wait for you...

Do I make you proud by Taylor Hicks

I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall
My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning

[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved

[CHORUS:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?

-Matt-

Helplessly Confused...

2006-08-15T07:43:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say.It was all too much to bear in 1 single night.I couldn't place myself in the frame of mind.I'm even lost for words,speechless.How could this all happen again?Then I realize,that I didn't put myself into another mess,but rather,circumstances did.I wished it didn't have to happen the way it did.

I was so distraught,so confused,and there were too much going into my head,that if I kept it in,I would have cried the whole night.I'm so dumbfounded.Its like a mixture of feelings waiting to spring out,emotions beyond any control,and most of all I'm so emotionally drained out.It was too much for me to bear.Anger,frustration,confusion,hurt,and most of all,that same feeling of insecurity came back to haunt me.

As always,you were there when I needed you.That sweet comforting voice,sounded the most loveliest thing in the world to me.I loved every minute of it,and though I wished I could hear it everyday,I can't.Just hearing your voice for a minute everyday,will give me the confidence I need to go through whatever crap life throws at me.You made it so much easier for me to take it in,and handle it.

As always,there were more to be said,but refraining from saying anything that could possibly hurt and offend a person,is the best.I know now without a shadow of a doubt,where I stand.Whatever feelings I had left,if ever there was any,has been totally wiped out.Especially that 1 statement that truly hurt me.

To my dearest *******, you've truly motivated me and spurred me on,not to mention supporting me even if you were blur when I confided in you.Once again,you've no idea how much you mean to me.Everyday,I've learned so many new things about you,and I've grown to love them with all my heart.Now,more than ever,I'm convinced about who you are to me.

I long to hear your voice again.I really am in no mood to go to college today,what more to study,but in a way,I'm glad,cause it'll keep me busy.I've been carrying the burden with me all night,and still am this morning.I just feel so heavy,holding all this inside of me.I wish you were here with me.I wish I could hear your voice.I wish,I could see you now.

My mind's working overtime,thinking about everything that I went through yesterday.I can't help but just wonder about so many different things.Spending yesterday,just talking with you,I wish I could do it everyday.Its no wonder we went from 5 minutes-20 minutes. =) Yeah,but I really miss you now.I haven't fallen into an abyss for a long time,but this time,you were at the side,holding onto my hand,and never letting go of my hand.

The 1 thing I won't forget,is your sweet voice.It'll definitely spur me on,for today,and as long as its effect will last.Its in this moments,with thoughts too overwhelming,burdens too burdensome,and helplessness beyond me,I need you here.I know you're always here for me,though whatever I confide in you means nothing to you.

For now,you're what keeps me going.All I need to do,is think about you when I'm thinking too much,about stuff that shouldn't concern me.You're my main concern now,and more than ever,I wanna say to you...

The Bullet, and my Princess

Wounded with a bullet,
Buried deep within my soul,
This pain that it brought me,
Never seemed to go away.

As hard as I try,
The agony remains within,
I lay down, unable to get up,
With no trace of energy left residing in me.

It all happened too fast,
Before I knew it, my palm was covered in blood,
Could not move, until my lovely angel pulled me up,
A princess so beautiful, it was captivating.

I just let myself be helped by this being,
Blinded by her beauty,
Captivated by her loveliness,
Hypnotized by her sweetness.

You buried a kiss on my lips,
Leaving a fragrance so sweet,
Helping me to rise again,
And to move on looking to the future.

For you're what drives me towards my future.

Inspired by the circumstances that hit me,and also,by you,my dearest companion.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Just reached back from college.Don't you just love the 1st day of semester's?Hardly any lectures,except for econs.Was good to meet up with some peeps.Good to get back to college,and just chat and laugh.It was nice.

Had lunch in 1U,again.We're having terrible dilemma's and getting headache's due to the fact that we can't decide what to eat.Finally went to Yoshinoya.Food there was excellent,though rather pricy,but then again,what is cheap in 1U?Haha...Received a phone call that really cheered me up today.

Still feeling all the crap that had happened yesterday.I'm not thinking too much,just that I need time to digest.It all happened too fast.Thanks for calling.You're the sweetest companion that I can ever have,and like I said,hearing your voice a minute everyday would make my day.You definitely did. =)

Had football.Been awhile since we played.Was a decent game.Ended the day with ice-cream at McD.Well,its been a tiring day,but well,its not so bad.Really miss you.Wished you'd come online now.You're getting me through life,everyday.You're just simply the best.With you,I can face anything.

-Matt-

PS:Sorry about my phone battery.It had to die when I was smsing you.Take care. =)

An earthly friend,unlike any other...

2006-08-14T11:13:00.000+08:00

Clouded thoughts.Hidden secrets.Unforeseen circumstances.Unpredictabilities.Life's full of them.There's no telling what you might find around the bend.We have no ability to predict what comes next.Thats the beauty about life.We have to depend on God,cause He's the only One who holds our future.I'm just glad He's in control over everything.

At times,I still am worried whats gonna happen next,especially this year.Its been a serious major roller-coaster for me this year.Its been crazy,to say the least.Its only human to hope for a glimpse into whats next.At times,I just freak out,cause I'm caught aback by circumstances that suddenly hit me.Before I can get up and recover,another wave hits me,and I'm down on my back again.What a life!As if it couldn't get any worse,it does.

Insecurity,is definitely a problem.A past that goes way back.Ordinary friends can never really help me.Best friends can only be confided in.Yet,I've found an earthly friend,who's always been there for me,who's always cared for me,who's always been worried for me.A friend unlike any other.You know who you are.And this is dedicated to you.

From the bottom of my heart,with every ounce of gratitude and thankfulness;

THANKS!!

You have no idea,how you've helped me through.Not many people can show the kind of concern that you have shown to me,and for that,I'm eternally grateful.I guess circumstances helped out as well.You scratch my back,I'll scratch yours.You've been more than a friend to me.Chatting buddy,going out buddy and even more.Thanks loads.

So much for all that appreciation.I've strayed away from the topic,but,I guess I'm done anyway.Just gonna add that,friends are everywhere,but best friends,are the hardest to find and aquire.It is without a doubt,that we all need friends in our lives.Most importantly,we need best friends,to pick us up,and bring us through,those times when we need someone.

-Matt-

PS:I just found out that National Resurrect Romance Week starts yesterday in the States.What the heck is that?Lolz...Got such thing?

Self-patronize...

2006-08-13T16:50:00.000+08:00

Just reached back from church.Practise lasted until so late,but we sound good.Trailblazers,here we come.Though it was tiring,but yeah,it was good.Sunday's are the only tiring days,where I don't feel so tired,due to the fact,that I enjoy my Sunday's.It was 1 of those really nice Sunday's.Its real good to be refreshed in the presence of God.At least it made up for those past 2 days.

Still feeling that feeling of worthlessness.Still angry at what I heard a few days back.This might stick with me for a long time.I'll never forget what has been said.Its just gonna stick with me for a long time.But well,at least I'm feeling better.Linda came back to church today.Was good to see her.Relieved.Don't need to explain yourself.I'm just glad you're alright.Its been awhile.Missed talking to you. =)

Just feel really really patronized.I know I'm being looked down on.I just know that as long as people know who I am,for who I really am,then there'll always be that feeling of "Poor kid,he's such a loser,a wimp..." and the list goes on and on.They might not say it,but deep inside,I can see it in their eyes,hear it from 3rd parties,and so on.

I don't blame anyone.I just get really mad.Then again,I self-patronize as well.Who can blame me?I don't think I'm that nice after all.What it feels like,to know that someone looks down on you,but doesn't tells you.I'm gonna tell you straight in your face.I don't care.You can stop pretending to be my friend.I really don't care.If you think I'm a loser,a wimp,a jerk,a dumb ass,be that way.

Its because of people like you,who put on masks,and pretend to be nice and all,when deep inside,you think something else.I really don't care.Its all cause of you,that I feel worthless,and I've lost any sense of feeling secure.For the 1st time in my life,I feel insecure.You've scarred me for life.Now I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone.Thank God He thinks I am.I just don't know if anyone can ever make me feel that I'm good enough.Scarred!No thanks to you.I've even reached the point,where I patronize myself so badly,and degrade and look down on myself.

Just leave me alone!Enough is enough.I've had it.I'll carry this scar with me.Its a reminder,definitely.Even if I could turn back time,I don't think that would have stopped what I was told that day.It'll still turn out this way.So yeah,leave me alone.I don't care what you wanna do,just don't do it to me.I'm done.Enough said,before I cross the line,and go as low as you by degrading you further.I'm not like you.

-Matt-